Trying my very best to be sensitive here

Based on my experience with Cale, grief comes in waves.  Some waves are small, easy to deal with, just barely getting your toes wet.  Other waves can be huge, enveloping your whole body and churning you underneath the water until you feel like you can't hold your breath for one more second.  And other waves are simply waves; they roll in, get you wet, and then roll back out again.

I never thought losing a baby to miscarriage would be anything like that.  I just assumed it would be one of those huge waves that takes you under water until you feel like you can't hold your breath for one more second, and then it would release you into the fresh, oxygenated air.  This weekend, though, I realized that even this type of grief can show up at any time, in any form, completely unannounced.

On Saturday my friend had a baby shower for her new baby boy that is to arrive at the end of October.  I've known about the shower for quite some time and have had multiple discussions with my husband, and even my therapist about whether or not I should go.  They both agreed that it would be healthy for me to go, and maybe even easy.  The whole night before the shower and then the morning of, I had a huge pit of anxiety rolling around in my stomach.  I was irritable and snappy towards my husband and kids and I couldn't really pinpoint an exact good reason.  I just wanted to go to the shower and get it over with.

The shower itself was fine.  My best friend who hosted it did a wonderful job and everything was beautifully set up.  The mother-to-be looked glowing and everyone was excited to finally celebrate this baby boy she has been carrying for nine months.  Naturally, I am a very compassionate, empathetic, and cheerful person but I know none of those qualities exuded themselves that day.  For reasons I can't even explain, I started tearing up while the mom began opening up her gifts.  Seeing the tiny clothes and fun teething toys just hit me and no matter how hard I tried to stop them, the tears started welling in my eyes.

"I hate this, Erica.  Stop it!  You're here to support your friend, not be the downer of the party."  I truly was embarrassed by my emotions and after I realized that I wasn't going to be able to fake my way through the rest of the shower, I quietly made my exit.

As soon as I got home I decided to go for a run because exercise generally makes me happy.  And it did, for a brief moment.

Sunday must have been the compilation of everything that had gone on the day before.  I was exhausted; not just tired, but completely and utterly lacking of any reserve of energy.  I cried multiple times throughout the day and never could quite fully explain to my husband what was going on.  How can you explain something to someone when you yourself don't even understand it?  I hate the person I was yesterday and to be honest, I just want the sadness to go away so I can go on being the Erica I am proud of.  I don't want to have to go to bed at 7:00 just to escape the sadness.

I just want my life back, as if that baby never started to grow inside of me in the first place...as if I never had the chance to start loving it before it was taken from us.

If at first you don't succeed...

As many of you know, my little Cale is non-verbal.  He can say a few words but they are probably only recognizable to Alex or me.  He uses sign language to communicate, but again, his signs are only recognizable to a very small group of people.  When I think about this and the fact that he is almost four years old, I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that he is generally an incredibly happy boy that is easy to please.  If I could only communicate with a few people and regardless of how hard or how long I tried to get people to understand me, and they just couldn't, I would probably become a bitter, sad, lonely woman.  Not my Cale, though.  He just keeps persevering and constantly has the mindset of "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again".

My mind has really been focusing on his communication lately.  Cale has been making some incredible gains in his speech, which is probably why I'm so infatuated by it.  He is starting to form sentences with his signs and becoming outrageously creative in trying to get us to understand his specific wants and feelings.  For example, he is obsessed with technology and his most recent love is a green iPod Nano that Alex and I no longer use.  We gave it to Cale to play with and ever since then he has become attached to the silly thing.  He asks to sleep with it, hold it in the car, etc..  He used to use the sign for "phone" when he wanted it but since he also likes to play with our cell phones, he realized that he wasn't being specific enough to get what he wanted when he wanted it!  Therefore he came up with  another way of asking.  During speech therapy, his teacher uses an activity with turtles to practice his vowel sounds.  With the vowel "I", there is a picture of a turtle stretching one arm straight up into the air and the goal is for Cale to mimic the turtle and say "IIIIIIIIIII" for as long as he can.  It's a silly game but it works.  Anyway, we have been practicing his vowel sounds for months and months and months because there are still a few he cannot say.  Well, we recently started noticing him sticking one arm in the air and randomly saying, "IIIIIII".  It took me a few tries to figure out what he was saying but once he paired the arm in the air with the sign for "green", I immediately knew he was asking me for the green iPod.  Another example, when we were driving to Alex's parents' house last weekend Cale kept giving us the sign for "home".  He is usually very excited to go to Grandma and Grandpa's and so we were puzzled with why he would want to stay home.  After a few tries of trying to communicate with him, he finally pointed out the car window and we realized that we had just passed Home Depot.  Still puzzled, we asked him, "Do you want to go to Home Depot?".  An instant smile flashed across his face and he signed, "yes".  

This may seem small to most of you, especially for those of you with children that can just tell you exactly what they want when they want it, but for Alex and me it has made a huge difference in how we are able to communicate with him.  He needs less prompting and I'm starting to realize more and more how very normal he truly is.  He acts, and even thinks, like a typical three year-old.  Just the other day he got mad at me for telling him that he needed to wait for something and so he marched down the hall, into his bedroom and "slammed" the door;  typical toddler behavior and let me tell you, I couldn't have been more proud. :)  

Even though Cale is very different from his peers, I'm starting to feel like life is normalizing for us.  I was trying to explain this to Alex last Sunday after coming home from church and I'm not sure I can best summarize my feelings in words, but I'll give it a shot.  I used to get embarrassed when people realized that Cale was different.  "Embarrassed" isn't the right word because I'm not embarrassed by Cale, but maybe anxious is a better term to use.  I was anxious because I never wanted people to judge him, and by taking him to restaurants, out to the mall, or to church, he would become a prime subject for judgment.  In my heart I knew that people would love him if they just gave him a chance, but unfortunately for most people with disabilities, they are never given that first chance.  I'm sure any parent would not want other people to think anything less of their child than the overflowing pride you have for them, and I certainly am no different.

I just want people to love Cale as much as I do and to realize that he truly is more normal than he is different.  

First Day of School

Last Wednesday was Cale's first day of his second year in preschool!  Cale has literally been asking to go back to school since the last day of school this past spring.  On the rare occasion that I would have both kids and myself ready to walk out the door before nine o'clock in the morning on any given day, Cale would automatically assume we were headed to school, because we ALL know that without an incredibly good reason to be showered, dressed, fed, and still sane, there was no possible way to be so prudent.  We would head to the car and Cale would clap his hands together twice, therefore asking me if we were going to school.  Sorry, Dude.  You have three long months stuck with ME.  How awful.  


The night before his first day we laid out his clothes that he was to wear in the morning and packed his backpack with everything a preschooler needs: a change of clothes, diapers, wipes, and a snack.  I'm pretty sure Cale would have slept in his clothes with his backpack strapped to his back if we would've let him.  He woke up bright-eyed and ready to go!  Alex and I took an unnecessary amount of pictures at the house and I proceeded to embarrass him even further by making him stand in front of his school while I snapped even more.  I thought for sure I would shed at least a little tear but after I took him to his classroom and saw that he was too excited to even wave good-bye to me, I couldn't help but be anything but just as excited for him.  I drove away a very proud momma!

This school year is a little different from last year.  For one, he goes three days a week as opposed to just two.  Second, I'm letting him ride the bus.  I feel a little embarrassed and a little guilty by the latter change.  I'm embarrassed because I'm a stay-at-home mom and I feel it's my JOB to take my kids to and from school.  I can't help but wonder if his teachers think I'm lazy because I won't even drop off my own kid - I'm making someone else do it for me.  I feel guilty because Cale wants to take the bus, and my selfish need as a mother to be in control of every aspect of his life is already rearing its ugly head.  Watching the bus drive away from our house is like having everything thrown into the wind.  How am I ever going to survive his teenage years???

Other than those changes, everything is pretty much the same.  He has the same teacher and the same classroom.  On his first day all of the teachers and therapists were outside greeting the kids, and when they saw Cale everyone seemed to light up!  I'd like to think they were more excited to see him than any other student, but that's probably just me. :)

While Cale is at school I try and do something fun with Riley.  I thoroughly enjoy my alone time with her and this year I'm treasuring it even more as I realize how fast time is flying by.  If we decide to put Riley in preschool she will start next school year.  AAAHHH!  I've heard a million times from older and more experienced parents, "Enjoy these days because you'll never get them back."

As cliche and redundant as that statement sounds, it is so true and makes me a little sad.  If I survive the toddler years I'm sure I'll look back at these days with nothing but happy memories.

It's the little things that make us smile!

I can hardly believe summer is coming to an end.  Missoula had a handful days of sweltering heat but other than that I can't really remember feeling like it was actually summer.  We spent a few weekends at the lake, went to Denver for a week, but other than that it was a pretty quiet, and very short, three months.  Last summer was full of buzz and busyness which made this year seem a bit dull.  We are planning a last-minute trip to Billings this Friday for the Labor Day weekend but I think that will be the end of any spontaneity before winter traps us in our homes for the next six months. <sigh>

Alex has been EXTREMELY busy at work the last few months which has probably contributed to our quiet summer.  He finally closed a deal last week which has him breathing a huge sigh of relief.  He has an extraordinary work ethic and as much as I'd like to complain about him working so much and not being as available to our family as he usually is, I'm grateful he's willing to work so hard to provide for us.  I definitely got lucky when he chose me to spend his life with.

Cale and Riley continue to be loads of work and some days I've considering trading them in for new ones, but at the end of each day when they finally fall asleep and look seemingly innocent on all accounts, I remember how lucky I am to have these two wonderful kids.

Riley is a constant stream of entertainment, always making me laugh and marvel at how fast she is growing up.  She's talking in full sentences and developing her own personality.  She's reached the independent I-can-do-it-myself stage.  She refuses help even when she clearly needs it, which usually results in lots of tears and frustration...taking after her mother, I'm afraid.  She asks what seems like hundreds of questions within a matter of twenty minutes, usually while we're in the car, and when I catch myself becoming irritated after hearing the same question over and over again, I remind myself that it's a blessing she can process her thoughts and voice them into questions.  I do find myself taking her normalcy for granted from time to time, which is both disappointing and sad, because I told myself I would never do that.  It's heartbreaking to realize that I sometimes forget what a giant miracle she is.

Cale continues to be my Little Engine That Could.  He amazes me almost every day with his never-ending supply of determination and patience.  He's walking better, which is one thing I can confidently say I have NOT taken for granted, and his sense of balance seems to be improving as well.  He still falls from time to time but he's better at catching himself and staying upright when his sister crashes into him.  He's able to walk up and down the stairs holding onto the rail while someone holds his other hand, which is honestly something I never thought I would see.  I'm hopeful that he will one day be able to go up and down all on his own!  He's also been able to crawl/walk up the stairs at the playground to go down the slide, all by himself!  He's mastered "scooting" which has allowed him to do the whole process of going down the slide completely on his own, which I must admit has lifted much anxiety about going to the park.  Last summer I can remember dreading going there because it was so depressing to watch a child not be able to play on toys that were created for him, but this summer that all changed.  I enjoyed going to the park and watching Cale overcome his fears and conquering obstacles.  On a more impressive note, after nearly three years of hard work, he is finally allowing solid food in his mouth!!!  He's never been a fan of pureed textures and usually pushes them out with his tongue.  He's always had his eye on whatever we are eating: steak, bread, corn on-the-cob...you know, the easy stuff.  (yeah right!)  About a month ago we were at the dinner table eating tacos.  After we were all finished and just sitting around the table talking, Cale leaned over and grabbed a black bean off my plate.  He fumbled with it in his hands while trying to get it into his mouth.  This wasn't unusual because we always give him things off our plate to suck on and taste.  I asked him if he wanted me to help him and by some miracle he let me put the little black bean in his mouth!  Once in his mouth, rather than freaking out and immediately pushing it out with his tongue, he kept his mouth closed and started making a chewing motion!  Now this was indeed a miracle!  He had never done this in his nearly four years of living!  He calmly moved the little bean around in his mouth and after a few minutes I watched him swallow it!  Alex and I were practically doing backflips in the kitchen, clapping and praising Cale with everything we had.  He continued to eat SIX more little black beans before he finally decided he was full. :)  He was so proud of himself, probably because Alex and I were acting as if he had just won an Olympic event, but the smile and sense of satisfaction on his face was priceless and probably a moment I will never forget.  After the little black bean, he has since allowed more things into his mouth.  He's since tried watermelon, pancakes, baked beans, cake, and a few other things.  He is still very far from being at a point where he could eat enough to actually gain nutrition from it, but we are incredibly encouraged and hopeful that his days on a liquid diet may soon be over.  Aside from advances in his eating, he is also getting more efficient with his communication.  He learns signs as fast as I can say them and probably has a vocabulary of more than 100 different signs.  His vocal communication is getting better, too.  He can now SAY the words dada, papa, purple, hi, ball, football, and bye-bye.  These words are relatively easy for Alex and I to understand but are probably harder for other people to decipher.  Either way, we are also very encouraged and hopeful by these gains.  He shows an incredible amount of patience and grace towards us when we have a difficult time understanding what he's trying to say.  He rarely shows any signs of frustration and instead continues to try different ways to get his point across.  He probably thinks his parents are a couple of dummies. :)  It's really neat because since Riley knows every sign Cale knows, she is sometimes able to vocally tell us what Cale wants.  We will be driving near the mall and Cale will do the sign for "train", meaning that he wants to go play on the train in the mall, and pretty soon Riley will say, "Mama, Cale wants to go to the choo-choo!".  It's a huge blessing that Cale and Riley are able to communicate with each other!

There are so many other things I could write about now, including the several doctor appointments Cale has been to this summer, but I think I've shared enough for now. :)  All in all, we seem to be doing well the past several weeks.  My spirits are lifted and I feel pretty positive and hopeful about life.  Cale starts preschool next Wednesday and so I'm sure I'll be sharing about that soon!

This is so hard for me to admit...

...but I have officially become a "Twilight Junky".

This is hard for me to admit because for years, ever since the first book was released, I scoffed at all the people who had become lovers of vampires.  I never read fiction books, only non-fiction, and so I didn't dare try and see what all the fuss was about.  I was flabbergasted by the "Team Edward" and "Team Jacob" shirts that girls all across the country started wearing.  How stupid, I thought.  I was especially skeptical of my sister because, for any of you reading this that know her, she can read the same book twenty times and never get bored.  She was a Twilight junky, always buying the books on their release date and seeing the movies on opening night.  I thought to myself, "isn't she a little old to be so engrossed in this enormous teeny bopper fad?"  I'm not sure how many times she's read the books but I'm guessing she's read through all four more than once .  What a waste of time, I thought.

It wasn't until a few months ago, while the third movie was still in theaters, that my mom told me I should watch the movies.  Pfff, yeah right!  I have zero interest in vampires.  She countered me by telling me that the movies were more romance than anything else.  Okay, she had perked my interest a little.  I'm not one to resist a good love story.  So it was on a Friday night that Alex and I drove around to every movie store in Missoula looking for the first Twilight movie.  With the invention of Redbox I'm surprised movie stores even exist.  We had zero luck and I was genuinely disappointed.

 "Why on earth was I so set on watching this stupid movie?"

Thank goodness I married a problem-solver because once we got home and Alex realized I wasn't going to give up pouting, he bought the movie on iTunes so that we could watch it after the kids went to bed.

I was surprised at how fast I became enthralled with it and the characters.  "Okay, so this is what all the fuss is about!"

We finished the first movie around 11:00 and I knew that I wouldn't be able to sleep until I saw the second one.  Alex rented that movie on iTunes, not bothering to buy it, too.  We finished the second one and as if I didn't already know this after watching the first one, I was hooked.  I needed to see the third movie in theaters or I wouldn't be able to go on.  Dramatic, I know.

Our next available date night was spent watching Eclipse.  I felt like a total loser sitting in the movie theater but I didn't care.  I didn't care that I had become such a hypocrite.

I just finished the first book last night and have started in on the second one.  I have stayed up far past my bedtime, which is usually right after the kids go to bed around 9:30, and Alex has caught me with my light on well past one o'clock in the morning, my eyes glued to the pages of these silly books.  It's still a little hard for me to believe.

You can bet that once the fourth movie is released in theaters, I will be there on opening night wearing my "Team Edward" tee-shirt, unashamed and totally excited.

My heart

Yesterday I found the ultrasound picture of our third child stuck to the bottom of our big blue garbage can. I opened the lid to throw away one of Riley's toxic diapers and that familiar photo of black and white caught my eye.  In shock, I just stared at it for a few seconds.  Knowing that if I looked at it any longer, or worse, dared to retrieve it from the bottom of the garbage can, I would have burst into tears and scared my in-laws who are currently visiting us from Washington.  Even now, sitting here typing this, I'm sad to know that the only picture we have of our lost baby is stuck on the bottom of a nasty, smelly, big blue garbage can.

I don't know how or why that ultrasound picture made it into the garbage.  Perhaps it's because I have enough to fill an entire scrapbook that I thought I would wait to keep the ones that actually showed somewhat of a resemblance of a baby.  Those first glimpses of babies just look like itty-bitty blobs.  Precious blobs, but blobs all the same.

Today was the first time I've cried about the miscarriage in probably a couple of months.  So I give myself a B+ in terms of how I'm doing.  I would have never guessed how painful and emotional a miscarriage is on a person.  To be honest, I think my ability to cope has a lot to do with the antidepressants I am taking.  Antidepressants are a slippery slope for me.  I took them for a very short time after Cale was born and was still in the hospital.  I went off of them quickly thinking I could handle things on my own.  Thankfully, with only a few slip-ups here and there, I was able to get along without them just fine.  This time, however, I NEED the help.  Without help I was choosing very poor ways to cope, and really those ways only made things worse and not better.  With my husband's urging, I decided to talk to my OB/GYN about the things I was feeling and he suggested I go on a mild antidepressant.  After about a month I decided I was all better and stopped taking them.  Not a good idea.  I again slipped back into deep sadness and tried to find ways to cope on my own.  Those ways did not help, and again, just made things worse.  With my husband's pleading I went back on the drugs and seem to be doing pretty well presently.

I think one of the hardest things I face on a daily basis is watching my best friend grow her baby in her belly.  I was so excited when I found out she was pregnant and even more excited to find out that I was due only a week after her.  We have been pregnant with both of kids together and I just knew this third time around would be something special we could share with each other.  I see her growing and see her getting to find out the gender of her baby, and although I am genuinely excited for her, it's just a huge reminder of what I'm not able to experience because of the loss of our baby.  Last week we could have found out if we were having a boy or a girl.

I guess I always thought having a miscarriage was something that happened, was over, and then people moved on.  I never would have guessed I would be thinking about dates and wondering when I should have felt the baby move for the first time, or when they could open and close their eyes.  I miss my baby and still struggle with trying to make sense of why he or she was taken from us.  I know God's plans are perfect and that He does not make mistakes, but even the comfort of that knowledge sometimes can't take the pain away.

Helllooo out there!

Wowzer!  It has been an incredibly long time since I've posted anything and for that I must apologize.  Summers are always crazy and this one is no exception.  I've had plenty on my mind and plenty that I could have written about, but to be honest every time I sat down at the computer I just could not find the right words.  So today I decided to say "screw it" and even if my thoughts come out as one big jumbled mess that do not make any sense, so be it!

We have had a pretty eventful summer so far, if you can even call it that.  Missoula has been very mild with only a handful of days when the A/C was absolutely necessary.  The old-timer farmers are predicting this is the last week of summer for Montana, which makes me want to go into a downward spiral of depression.  I am not ready to be housebound for the next nine months.

On the upside, we have got to enjoy a few trips to the local water park.  Cale has mastered going down the kiddy slide all by himself which makes Alex and I smile from ear to ear.  Riley, of course, does anything and everything on her own -- with or without our permission.  She is one independent child with no sense of fear.  She climbs up anything, jumps from any height, runs in any direction, and slides down anything worthy of being called a slide.  She makes me incredibly nervous but at the same time I'm so very thankful she has the ability to be so daring.  Cale's trials remind us not to take anything for granted -- even the ability to suck through a straw or eat a popsicle on a hot summer day.  Riley amazes me more and more each day.

Aside from the water park, we just got back from a long weekend up in Big Fork, MT.  My parents rented a condo in the heart of downtown and so we met them up there to enjoy a few days playing in the water and checking out the local Arts Festival.  We rented a boat one of the days and even though the weather was less than ideal, all four of us (myself, Alex, my mom and my dad) got to enjoy some knee boarding and water skiing.  Cale had literally been asking for a "boat" two weeks before we left and so his weekend was MADE by being allowed to ride in the boat.  Riley, on the other hand, took naps in the boat.  She was obviously not as thrilled about the whole thing.  The most enjoyable thing I got to do during the four days we were there was play golf with my dad at Eagle Bend, just the two of us.  I had so much fun and I just wish we were able to do that more often.  We laughed a lot and just got to enjoy an activity that we used to do so often together.  It was a perfect day.

Alex's mom and step-dad are at house right now visiting from Seattle.  Cale and Riley have been spoiled beyond belief with having been with grandparents back-to-back.  Next week will be interesting, for sure.  They leave on Sunday and I think we are heading to Flathead Lake tomorrow to play in the boat some more.  I know that's what Cale's vote is. :)

So there's a very brief update on what we've been up to the past couple of months.  I really want to write about Cale and some of the progress he's made so hopefully I won't wait too long before sharing.

I hope everyone is having a terrific summer and that you are able to enjoy however long is left of it! :)