It's been five months since we lost Baby Burkhalter. Even though my twelve-week bean looked more like an amphibian than a human, I still give our baby a name because I loved it dearly. I would lay in bed at night, terrified about how my life would change adding a third child, but comforted by the fact that unlike my other two pregnancies, I was already deeply in love with the child growing inside of me. I would also lay in bed rubbing my ever-expanding belly (it's amazing how fast it grows with the third pregnancy) and made a vow to myself not to get so absorbed in how my body was changing. With both Cale and Riley I griped about gaining weight and was always so nervous to step on that evil weekly scale, but this time I promised to give my baby the best home possible, even if it meant gaining fifty pounds.
But then my baby left me.
This weekend Alex and I went shopping for some warmer clothes for the kids. It's frosty in the mornings and I feel like a terrible parent dropping Cale off at preschool without proper layers. Riley grows like a weed and I swear she needs new clothes every few weeks. After we put the kids to bed I decided to get all of their new clothes ready to be washed. I tore off the tags and started separating colors and for whatever reason I started to weep. Sob, really. Alex came into the room and was obviously startled by my quick change in mood. Between sobs I told him that all of these clothes were too big..."I wanted to be folding new baby clothes.".
I was beginning to think that time was making things easier. I assumed time was going to help me get over the baby I never really had. It's proving to be quite the opposite however. Little things that should be harmless can trigger something inside of me that instantly set me off.
I heard a friend of mine tell me that a January 1st delivery would be the absolute worst. January 1st was our baby's due date and even though she meant nothing hurtful behind her comment, it took everything in me not to crawl in a hole and hide.
On the other side of this coin is the agony of trying to decide if we should try to have another baby. My prayer since the day we found out we lost our baby was that if we were meant to try again that God would make that desire known in our hearts. Sometimes I am so confused that I don't know where my desire is. What if we make the wrong choice and we lose that baby, too? Or what if we make the choice to have another baby and it turns out that whatever is going on with Cale is genetic and we then have two children with disabilities. My fragile little heart would not survive that. I wish God were here to sit with me and tell me what He wants for our family, in LOUD, AUDIBLE, words.
The stress of family planning is going to make me older much faster than I'd like.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
"Candy" is the magic word!
Candy! Or as Riley would say, "tandy" since she pronounces her c's like t's. Cale doesn't live at our house but Tale does. :) Riley loves candy and it's worked as a bribery to get her to do almost anything. If we want her to finish the rest of her dinner, sit still while I do her hair, lay down to get her clothes on, etc., we just bribe her with candy. It works nearly every time and even though I know it won't work forever, I'm of the mindset that whatever works in the moment, DO IT. Please hold your judgments for later.
Backing up, we've been lightly trying to introduce the concept of going potty in the big girl potty for about six months. We've had a little potty in the bathroom for nearly a year, just to get Cale and Riley used to the idea before we actually started talking about it. Both Alex and I agreed that we wouldn't push the issue and that when they decided they were ready, that's when we would be ready to teach and guide them. As I started to see other kids that were Riley's age become interested in potty training, I would casually ask her if she wanted to try and go in the big girl potty. Each and every time her answer would be a definite "NO!". Alrighty then. After about six months of her refusing to even try, I began to think we would never rid our house of diapers.
A few days ago Riley was laying down on the floor before bed, getting her diaper changed and her pajamas on, and I nonchalantly asked her if she wanted to start going potty like a big girl. As per usual, she glared at me and said, "No!". "But Riley, if you go potty in the big girl potty I'll give you a piece of caaannnnndyyyyy.".
As soon as I said the word candy she jumped up, completely naked, and started running towards the bathroom. She sat down on her little potty and with just a little bit of coaxing she finally went to the bathroom for the very first time! Alex, Cale, and I were all there to cheer and clap for her, which she absolutely loved, and after she was finished she promptly demanded candy. Well, the only problem was that I was so used to her refusing to even try using the potty that I said I'd give her candy without thinking about the fact that we didn't have any candy...not even one tiny piece of chocolate anywhere in our house.
Whoops.
Thankfully, the promise of going to the candy store the next day was good enough and she continued to show interest in the potty even though her mom had lied about the rewards straight to her face. Being very brave (and probably very stupid) I put big girl panties on her the following morning to go to the candy store. She picked out several different kinds of jelly beans and although we still put her in diapers for bedtime, I've been putting her in big girl underwear and we really haven't had too many accidents and she's been very good about telling us when she has to go. We've truly lucked out with this kid and potty training isn't nearly the nightmare I had created it to be in my head.
That isn't the best part, though.
Since we've been spending a good portion of our days in the bathroom, Cale is usually present for most of our trips to the potty. He's been watching Riley, helping her flush, getting the toilet paper for her, and clapping for her when she's done. He seems to be very interested in the whole process and has even asked to sit on the little potty with Riley. :) With Cale's undefined motor delays we aren't entirely sure he can feel the sensation of having to go to the bathroom. We think he can but since he can't tell us we have no sure way of knowing. He has major constipation issues and so it's blatantly obvious when he has to go number two, so I'm assuming he can feel that sensation. Yesterday while he was squatting on the floor, in his diaper mind you, he shot up and headed toward the bathroom as fast as he could go. We followed him in and he was pointing to the potty. I undressed him and plopped him on the potty, not really expecting anything but mainly just humoring him. To my complete surprise he actually went! Riley was there and clapped for him and said, "Good job, Tale!". Cale was so proud of himself and thoroughly enjoyed the process of wiping and flushing. :) Even better, though, Cale walked out of the bathroom and signed the word candy. Well, as most of you know Cale isn't able to eat candy. He's never even tried it. Again, I decided to humor him and gave him one tiny jellybean. Once he put it in his mouth I could see he was a bit scared but he refused to panic and tried to chew it instead. About two or three minutes later he opened his mouth and signed all done!
Holy crap! Cale just told us he had to go the bathroom, he went, AND ate a piece of candy! Three firsts in the matter of five minutes!
I learned a few important lessons yesterday. One was that I should never, ever underestimate Cale's abilities. He is more aware of the things going on around him than I even am. He desires so much to be like everybody else and I'm learning more and more everyday that he is just like everybody else. I've said this before but even though he appears to be different on the outside, he truly is a typical toddler. There's nothing better in this world than watching him figure things out and surprising us with his newfound knowledge. This kid is going places.
Since yesterday Cale has eaten an entire piece of Hershey's miniature candy and two more jellybeans. As any normal child, he's discovered that candy is really good and I can already see that we've probably created a monster. At this point I am just so proud that he's able to participate in normal kid indulgences that I'll give him all the candy he wants. As my mom put it, there's always the option of dentures to fall back on. :)
So I have one child in the midst of potty training and another who is in the very beginning stages, which pretty much means I will be spending the majority of my days in the bathroom. The good news is that our bathrooms will be sparkling clean since there really isn't much else to do while they each spend about half an hour on the potty at a time.
They are their father's children.
Since we've been spending a good portion of our days in the bathroom, Cale is usually present for most of our trips to the potty. He's been watching Riley, helping her flush, getting the toilet paper for her, and clapping for her when she's done. He seems to be very interested in the whole process and has even asked to sit on the little potty with Riley. :) With Cale's undefined motor delays we aren't entirely sure he can feel the sensation of having to go to the bathroom. We think he can but since he can't tell us we have no sure way of knowing. He has major constipation issues and so it's blatantly obvious when he has to go number two, so I'm assuming he can feel that sensation. Yesterday while he was squatting on the floor, in his diaper mind you, he shot up and headed toward the bathroom as fast as he could go. We followed him in and he was pointing to the potty. I undressed him and plopped him on the potty, not really expecting anything but mainly just humoring him. To my complete surprise he actually went! Riley was there and clapped for him and said, "Good job, Tale!". Cale was so proud of himself and thoroughly enjoyed the process of wiping and flushing. :) Even better, though, Cale walked out of the bathroom and signed the word candy. Well, as most of you know Cale isn't able to eat candy. He's never even tried it. Again, I decided to humor him and gave him one tiny jellybean. Once he put it in his mouth I could see he was a bit scared but he refused to panic and tried to chew it instead. About two or three minutes later he opened his mouth and signed all done!
Holy crap! Cale just told us he had to go the bathroom, he went, AND ate a piece of candy! Three firsts in the matter of five minutes!
I learned a few important lessons yesterday. One was that I should never, ever underestimate Cale's abilities. He is more aware of the things going on around him than I even am. He desires so much to be like everybody else and I'm learning more and more everyday that he is just like everybody else. I've said this before but even though he appears to be different on the outside, he truly is a typical toddler. There's nothing better in this world than watching him figure things out and surprising us with his newfound knowledge. This kid is going places.
Since yesterday Cale has eaten an entire piece of Hershey's miniature candy and two more jellybeans. As any normal child, he's discovered that candy is really good and I can already see that we've probably created a monster. At this point I am just so proud that he's able to participate in normal kid indulgences that I'll give him all the candy he wants. As my mom put it, there's always the option of dentures to fall back on. :)
So I have one child in the midst of potty training and another who is in the very beginning stages, which pretty much means I will be spending the majority of my days in the bathroom. The good news is that our bathrooms will be sparkling clean since there really isn't much else to do while they each spend about half an hour on the potty at a time.
They are their father's children.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Five years in the making...
According to Alex's and my plans when we first got married, we should just now be starting to talk about having kids.
Funny.
This Friday Alex and I will celebrate our five-year wedding anniversary. I can still remember that day as if it were just yesterday. Cliche. But true. What a beautiful fall day it was to marry the man of my dreams!
Although I didn't see it then, I would definitely agree that the first year of marriage is the hardest. For me, it was extremely difficult to let go of the expectations I thought marriage would fulfill. It was saddening to learn that marriage wasn't all "little house on the prairie" kind of stuff. Marriage was, and is, hard. But oh so worth it! It's only gotten better since that first year, and thanks to the kind of man I married, I can't wait for the next fifty! :)
I knew I was marrying a great man when I said "I do" but I had no idea just how great of a man he would turn out to be. He loves me with all his soul and devotes his life to the Lord and to our kids. He's an amazing father, the kind that gets on the floor to play with them rather than watching them from his seat on the couch. He's committed to his family and you can see that in nearly every aspect of his daily life. Every action is for his family. He's forgiving, selfless, loyal, loving, hard-working, and those are just a FEW of his very best qualities. He truly is a one-of-a-kind gem and I'm so glad I was the one to find him.
So what do we have to show for the five years we've been married? Lots of arguments and make-ups, many tears but more laughs, two "holy crap there's two pink lines" moments, a small apartment with no air-conditioning, two wonderful houses, and 1,825 mornings of waking up to the best man in the world. It's gone by incredibly fast and even though we're not where in the place we had planned for when we first got married, it's the only place I want to be.
We are able to celebrate, thanks to my mom and sister who are driving from Billings to watch Cale and Riley, by taking off for a couple of nights to Quinn's Hot Springs. Neither of us have been there and don't really know anybody that has, which means Alex is totally jumping out of his comfort zone and being spontaneous. I have no idea what we're going to do but I'm so excited, for two reasons. One, two nights away from the kids is like a mini-vacation and two, the kids have been driving me insane the past couple of days which means this break could not have come at a better time. We can sleep in without being woke by a little girl demanding chocolate milk and Curious George. We can go to bed without making sure a little boy has his two little ropes, his monkey, and his favorite blanket. And we can lie down to go to sleep without listening to Riley cry about not having both of her nee-nees (favorite blankets), her big pig, her little pig, her elephant, her hammer, her microphone, her big blanket, her princess night-light, and her two other night-lights placed strategically across the room. Yes, she really does need all of that to go to sleep. Alex and I have indeed created a monster. Good luck to my mom and sister. :)
And yet, even though I'm so looking forward to getting away with my husband, I will no doubt be itching to return to our chaotic and stressful life. Five years and we've already created something wonderful and magical - OUR LIFE.
I love you, Alex. Thank for you for the five years you've given me with you. You're one amazing man and I'm so lucky to be married to you!
Funny.
This Friday Alex and I will celebrate our five-year wedding anniversary. I can still remember that day as if it were just yesterday. Cliche. But true. What a beautiful fall day it was to marry the man of my dreams!
Although I didn't see it then, I would definitely agree that the first year of marriage is the hardest. For me, it was extremely difficult to let go of the expectations I thought marriage would fulfill. It was saddening to learn that marriage wasn't all "little house on the prairie" kind of stuff. Marriage was, and is, hard. But oh so worth it! It's only gotten better since that first year, and thanks to the kind of man I married, I can't wait for the next fifty! :)
I knew I was marrying a great man when I said "I do" but I had no idea just how great of a man he would turn out to be. He loves me with all his soul and devotes his life to the Lord and to our kids. He's an amazing father, the kind that gets on the floor to play with them rather than watching them from his seat on the couch. He's committed to his family and you can see that in nearly every aspect of his daily life. Every action is for his family. He's forgiving, selfless, loyal, loving, hard-working, and those are just a FEW of his very best qualities. He truly is a one-of-a-kind gem and I'm so glad I was the one to find him.
So what do we have to show for the five years we've been married? Lots of arguments and make-ups, many tears but more laughs, two "holy crap there's two pink lines" moments, a small apartment with no air-conditioning, two wonderful houses, and 1,825 mornings of waking up to the best man in the world. It's gone by incredibly fast and even though we're not where in the place we had planned for when we first got married, it's the only place I want to be.
We are able to celebrate, thanks to my mom and sister who are driving from Billings to watch Cale and Riley, by taking off for a couple of nights to Quinn's Hot Springs. Neither of us have been there and don't really know anybody that has, which means Alex is totally jumping out of his comfort zone and being spontaneous. I have no idea what we're going to do but I'm so excited, for two reasons. One, two nights away from the kids is like a mini-vacation and two, the kids have been driving me insane the past couple of days which means this break could not have come at a better time. We can sleep in without being woke by a little girl demanding chocolate milk and Curious George. We can go to bed without making sure a little boy has his two little ropes, his monkey, and his favorite blanket. And we can lie down to go to sleep without listening to Riley cry about not having both of her nee-nees (favorite blankets), her big pig, her little pig, her elephant, her hammer, her microphone, her big blanket, her princess night-light, and her two other night-lights placed strategically across the room. Yes, she really does need all of that to go to sleep. Alex and I have indeed created a monster. Good luck to my mom and sister. :)
And yet, even though I'm so looking forward to getting away with my husband, I will no doubt be itching to return to our chaotic and stressful life. Five years and we've already created something wonderful and magical - OUR LIFE.
I love you, Alex. Thank for you for the five years you've given me with you. You're one amazing man and I'm so lucky to be married to you!
Monday, October 4, 2010
Trying my very best to be sensitive here
Based on my experience with Cale, grief comes in waves. Some waves are small, easy to deal with, just barely getting your toes wet. Other waves can be huge, enveloping your whole body and churning you underneath the water until you feel like you can't hold your breath for one more second. And other waves are simply waves; they roll in, get you wet, and then roll back out again.
I never thought losing a baby to miscarriage would be anything like that. I just assumed it would be one of those huge waves that takes you under water until you feel like you can't hold your breath for one more second, and then it would release you into the fresh, oxygenated air. This weekend, though, I realized that even this type of grief can show up at any time, in any form, completely unannounced.
On Saturday my friend had a baby shower for her new baby boy that is to arrive at the end of October. I've known about the shower for quite some time and have had multiple discussions with my husband, and even my therapist about whether or not I should go. They both agreed that it would be healthy for me to go, and maybe even easy. The whole night before the shower and then the morning of, I had a huge pit of anxiety rolling around in my stomach. I was irritable and snappy towards my husband and kids and I couldn't really pinpoint an exact good reason. I just wanted to go to the shower and get it over with.
The shower itself was fine. My best friend who hosted it did a wonderful job and everything was beautifully set up. The mother-to-be looked glowing and everyone was excited to finally celebrate this baby boy she has been carrying for nine months. Naturally, I am a very compassionate, empathetic, and cheerful person but I know none of those qualities exuded themselves that day. For reasons I can't even explain, I started tearing up while the mom began opening up her gifts. Seeing the tiny clothes and fun teething toys just hit me and no matter how hard I tried to stop them, the tears started welling in my eyes.
"I hate this, Erica. Stop it! You're here to support your friend, not be the downer of the party." I truly was embarrassed by my emotions and after I realized that I wasn't going to be able to fake my way through the rest of the shower, I quietly made my exit.
As soon as I got home I decided to go for a run because exercise generally makes me happy. And it did, for a brief moment.
Sunday must have been the compilation of everything that had gone on the day before. I was exhausted; not just tired, but completely and utterly lacking of any reserve of energy. I cried multiple times throughout the day and never could quite fully explain to my husband what was going on. How can you explain something to someone when you yourself don't even understand it? I hate the person I was yesterday and to be honest, I just want the sadness to go away so I can go on being the Erica I am proud of. I don't want to have to go to bed at 7:00 just to escape the sadness.
I just want my life back, as if that baby never started to grow inside of me in the first place...as if I never had the chance to start loving it before it was taken from us.
I never thought losing a baby to miscarriage would be anything like that. I just assumed it would be one of those huge waves that takes you under water until you feel like you can't hold your breath for one more second, and then it would release you into the fresh, oxygenated air. This weekend, though, I realized that even this type of grief can show up at any time, in any form, completely unannounced.
On Saturday my friend had a baby shower for her new baby boy that is to arrive at the end of October. I've known about the shower for quite some time and have had multiple discussions with my husband, and even my therapist about whether or not I should go. They both agreed that it would be healthy for me to go, and maybe even easy. The whole night before the shower and then the morning of, I had a huge pit of anxiety rolling around in my stomach. I was irritable and snappy towards my husband and kids and I couldn't really pinpoint an exact good reason. I just wanted to go to the shower and get it over with.
The shower itself was fine. My best friend who hosted it did a wonderful job and everything was beautifully set up. The mother-to-be looked glowing and everyone was excited to finally celebrate this baby boy she has been carrying for nine months. Naturally, I am a very compassionate, empathetic, and cheerful person but I know none of those qualities exuded themselves that day. For reasons I can't even explain, I started tearing up while the mom began opening up her gifts. Seeing the tiny clothes and fun teething toys just hit me and no matter how hard I tried to stop them, the tears started welling in my eyes.
"I hate this, Erica. Stop it! You're here to support your friend, not be the downer of the party." I truly was embarrassed by my emotions and after I realized that I wasn't going to be able to fake my way through the rest of the shower, I quietly made my exit.
As soon as I got home I decided to go for a run because exercise generally makes me happy. And it did, for a brief moment.
Sunday must have been the compilation of everything that had gone on the day before. I was exhausted; not just tired, but completely and utterly lacking of any reserve of energy. I cried multiple times throughout the day and never could quite fully explain to my husband what was going on. How can you explain something to someone when you yourself don't even understand it? I hate the person I was yesterday and to be honest, I just want the sadness to go away so I can go on being the Erica I am proud of. I don't want to have to go to bed at 7:00 just to escape the sadness.
I just want my life back, as if that baby never started to grow inside of me in the first place...as if I never had the chance to start loving it before it was taken from us.
Monday, September 27, 2010
If at first you don't succeed...
As many of you know, my little Cale is non-verbal. He can say a few words but they are probably only recognizable to Alex or me. He uses sign language to communicate, but again, his signs are only recognizable to a very small group of people. When I think about this and the fact that he is almost four years old, I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that he is generally an incredibly happy boy that is easy to please. If I could only communicate with a few people and regardless of how hard or how long I tried to get people to understand me, and they just couldn't, I would probably become a bitter, sad, lonely woman. Not my Cale, though. He just keeps persevering and constantly has the mindset of "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again".
My mind has really been focusing on his communication lately. Cale has been making some incredible gains in his speech, which is probably why I'm so infatuated by it. He is starting to form sentences with his signs and becoming outrageously creative in trying to get us to understand his specific wants and feelings. For example, he is obsessed with technology and his most recent love is a green iPod Nano that Alex and I no longer use. We gave it to Cale to play with and ever since then he has become attached to the silly thing. He asks to sleep with it, hold it in the car, etc.. He used to use the sign for "phone" when he wanted it but since he also likes to play with our cell phones, he realized that he wasn't being specific enough to get what he wanted when he wanted it! Therefore he came up with another way of asking. During speech therapy, his teacher uses an activity with turtles to practice his vowel sounds. With the vowel "I", there is a picture of a turtle stretching one arm straight up into the air and the goal is for Cale to mimic the turtle and say "IIIIIIIIIII" for as long as he can. It's a silly game but it works. Anyway, we have been practicing his vowel sounds for months and months and months because there are still a few he cannot say. Well, we recently started noticing him sticking one arm in the air and randomly saying, "IIIIIII". It took me a few tries to figure out what he was saying but once he paired the arm in the air with the sign for "green", I immediately knew he was asking me for the green iPod. Another example, when we were driving to Alex's parents' house last weekend Cale kept giving us the sign for "home". He is usually very excited to go to Grandma and Grandpa's and so we were puzzled with why he would want to stay home. After a few tries of trying to communicate with him, he finally pointed out the car window and we realized that we had just passed Home Depot. Still puzzled, we asked him, "Do you want to go to Home Depot?". An instant smile flashed across his face and he signed, "yes".
This may seem small to most of you, especially for those of you with children that can just tell you exactly what they want when they want it, but for Alex and me it has made a huge difference in how we are able to communicate with him. He needs less prompting and I'm starting to realize more and more how very normal he truly is. He acts, and even thinks, like a typical three year-old. Just the other day he got mad at me for telling him that he needed to wait for something and so he marched down the hall, into his bedroom and "slammed" the door; typical toddler behavior and let me tell you, I couldn't have been more proud. :)
Even though Cale is very different from his peers, I'm starting to feel like life is normalizing for us. I was trying to explain this to Alex last Sunday after coming home from church and I'm not sure I can best summarize my feelings in words, but I'll give it a shot. I used to get embarrassed when people realized that Cale was different. "Embarrassed" isn't the right word because I'm not embarrassed by Cale, but maybe anxious is a better term to use. I was anxious because I never wanted people to judge him, and by taking him to restaurants, out to the mall, or to church, he would become a prime subject for judgment. In my heart I knew that people would love him if they just gave him a chance, but unfortunately for most people with disabilities, they are never given that first chance. I'm sure any parent would not want other people to think anything less of their child than the overflowing pride you have for them, and I certainly am no different.
I just want people to love Cale as much as I do and to realize that he truly is more normal than he is different.
I just want people to love Cale as much as I do and to realize that he truly is more normal than he is different.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
First Day of School
Last Wednesday was Cale's first day of his second year in preschool! Cale has literally been asking to go back to school since the last day of school this past spring. On the rare occasion that I would have both kids and myself ready to walk out the door before nine o'clock in the morning on any given day, Cale would automatically assume we were headed to school, because we ALL know that without an incredibly good reason to be showered, dressed, fed, and still sane, there was no possible way to be so prudent. We would head to the car and Cale would clap his hands together twice, therefore asking me if we were going to school. Sorry, Dude. You have three long months stuck with ME. How awful.
The night before his first day we laid out his clothes that he was to wear in the morning and packed his backpack with everything a preschooler needs: a change of clothes, diapers, wipes, and a snack. I'm pretty sure Cale would have slept in his clothes with his backpack strapped to his back if we would've let him. He woke up bright-eyed and ready to go! Alex and I took an unnecessary amount of pictures at the house and I proceeded to embarrass him even further by making him stand in front of his school while I snapped even more. I thought for sure I would shed at least a little tear but after I took him to his classroom and saw that he was too excited to even wave good-bye to me, I couldn't help but be anything but just as excited for him. I drove away a very proud momma!
This school year is a little different from last year. For one, he goes three days a week as opposed to just two. Second, I'm letting him ride the bus. I feel a little embarrassed and a little guilty by the latter change. I'm embarrassed because I'm a stay-at-home mom and I feel it's my JOB to take my kids to and from school. I can't help but wonder if his teachers think I'm lazy because I won't even drop off my own kid - I'm making someone else do it for me. I feel guilty because Cale wants to take the bus, and my selfish need as a mother to be in control of every aspect of his life is already rearing its ugly head. Watching the bus drive away from our house is like having everything thrown into the wind. How am I ever going to survive his teenage years???
Other than those changes, everything is pretty much the same. He has the same teacher and the same classroom. On his first day all of the teachers and therapists were outside greeting the kids, and when they saw Cale everyone seemed to light up! I'd like to think they were more excited to see him than any other student, but that's probably just me. :)
While Cale is at school I try and do something fun with Riley. I thoroughly enjoy my alone time with her and this year I'm treasuring it even more as I realize how fast time is flying by. If we decide to put Riley in preschool she will start next school year. AAAHHH! I've heard a million times from older and more experienced parents, "Enjoy these days because you'll never get them back."
As cliche and redundant as that statement sounds, it is so true and makes me a little sad. If I survive the toddler years I'm sure I'll look back at these days with nothing but happy memories.
The night before his first day we laid out his clothes that he was to wear in the morning and packed his backpack with everything a preschooler needs: a change of clothes, diapers, wipes, and a snack. I'm pretty sure Cale would have slept in his clothes with his backpack strapped to his back if we would've let him. He woke up bright-eyed and ready to go! Alex and I took an unnecessary amount of pictures at the house and I proceeded to embarrass him even further by making him stand in front of his school while I snapped even more. I thought for sure I would shed at least a little tear but after I took him to his classroom and saw that he was too excited to even wave good-bye to me, I couldn't help but be anything but just as excited for him. I drove away a very proud momma!
This school year is a little different from last year. For one, he goes three days a week as opposed to just two. Second, I'm letting him ride the bus. I feel a little embarrassed and a little guilty by the latter change. I'm embarrassed because I'm a stay-at-home mom and I feel it's my JOB to take my kids to and from school. I can't help but wonder if his teachers think I'm lazy because I won't even drop off my own kid - I'm making someone else do it for me. I feel guilty because Cale wants to take the bus, and my selfish need as a mother to be in control of every aspect of his life is already rearing its ugly head. Watching the bus drive away from our house is like having everything thrown into the wind. How am I ever going to survive his teenage years???
Other than those changes, everything is pretty much the same. He has the same teacher and the same classroom. On his first day all of the teachers and therapists were outside greeting the kids, and when they saw Cale everyone seemed to light up! I'd like to think they were more excited to see him than any other student, but that's probably just me. :)
While Cale is at school I try and do something fun with Riley. I thoroughly enjoy my alone time with her and this year I'm treasuring it even more as I realize how fast time is flying by. If we decide to put Riley in preschool she will start next school year. AAAHHH! I've heard a million times from older and more experienced parents, "Enjoy these days because you'll never get them back."
As cliche and redundant as that statement sounds, it is so true and makes me a little sad. If I survive the toddler years I'm sure I'll look back at these days with nothing but happy memories.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
It's the little things that make us smile!
I can hardly believe summer is coming to an end. Missoula had a handful days of sweltering heat but other than that I can't really remember feeling like it was actually summer. We spent a few weekends at the lake, went to Denver for a week, but other than that it was a pretty quiet, and very short, three months. Last summer was full of buzz and busyness which made this year seem a bit dull. We are planning a last-minute trip to Billings this Friday for the Labor Day weekend but I think that will be the end of any spontaneity before winter traps us in our homes for the next six months. <sigh>
Alex has been EXTREMELY busy at work the last few months which has probably contributed to our quiet summer. He finally closed a deal last week which has him breathing a huge sigh of relief. He has an extraordinary work ethic and as much as I'd like to complain about him working so much and not being as available to our family as he usually is, I'm grateful he's willing to work so hard to provide for us. I definitely got lucky when he chose me to spend his life with.
Cale and Riley continue to be loads of work and some days I've considering trading them in for new ones, but at the end of each day when they finally fall asleep and look seemingly innocent on all accounts, I remember how lucky I am to have these two wonderful kids.
Riley is a constant stream of entertainment, always making me laugh and marvel at how fast she is growing up. She's talking in full sentences and developing her own personality. She's reached the independent I-can-do-it-myself stage. She refuses help even when she clearly needs it, which usually results in lots of tears and frustration...taking after her mother, I'm afraid. She asks what seems like hundreds of questions within a matter of twenty minutes, usually while we're in the car, and when I catch myself becoming irritated after hearing the same question over and over again, I remind myself that it's a blessing she can process her thoughts and voice them into questions. I do find myself taking her normalcy for granted from time to time, which is both disappointing and sad, because I told myself I would never do that. It's heartbreaking to realize that I sometimes forget what a giant miracle she is.
Cale continues to be my Little Engine That Could. He amazes me almost every day with his never-ending supply of determination and patience. He's walking better, which is one thing I can confidently say I have NOT taken for granted, and his sense of balance seems to be improving as well. He still falls from time to time but he's better at catching himself and staying upright when his sister crashes into him. He's able to walk up and down the stairs holding onto the rail while someone holds his other hand, which is honestly something I never thought I would see. I'm hopeful that he will one day be able to go up and down all on his own! He's also been able to crawl/walk up the stairs at the playground to go down the slide, all by himself! He's mastered "scooting" which has allowed him to do the whole process of going down the slide completely on his own, which I must admit has lifted much anxiety about going to the park. Last summer I can remember dreading going there because it was so depressing to watch a child not be able to play on toys that were created for him, but this summer that all changed. I enjoyed going to the park and watching Cale overcome his fears and conquering obstacles. On a more impressive note, after nearly three years of hard work, he is finally allowing solid food in his mouth!!! He's never been a fan of pureed textures and usually pushes them out with his tongue. He's always had his eye on whatever we are eating: steak, bread, corn on-the-cob...you know, the easy stuff. (yeah right!) About a month ago we were at the dinner table eating tacos. After we were all finished and just sitting around the table talking, Cale leaned over and grabbed a black bean off my plate. He fumbled with it in his hands while trying to get it into his mouth. This wasn't unusual because we always give him things off our plate to suck on and taste. I asked him if he wanted me to help him and by some miracle he let me put the little black bean in his mouth! Once in his mouth, rather than freaking out and immediately pushing it out with his tongue, he kept his mouth closed and started making a chewing motion! Now this was indeed a miracle! He had never done this in his nearly four years of living! He calmly moved the little bean around in his mouth and after a few minutes I watched him swallow it! Alex and I were practically doing backflips in the kitchen, clapping and praising Cale with everything we had. He continued to eat SIX more little black beans before he finally decided he was full. :) He was so proud of himself, probably because Alex and I were acting as if he had just won an Olympic event, but the smile and sense of satisfaction on his face was priceless and probably a moment I will never forget. After the little black bean, he has since allowed more things into his mouth. He's since tried watermelon, pancakes, baked beans, cake, and a few other things. He is still very far from being at a point where he could eat enough to actually gain nutrition from it, but we are incredibly encouraged and hopeful that his days on a liquid diet may soon be over. Aside from advances in his eating, he is also getting more efficient with his communication. He learns signs as fast as I can say them and probably has a vocabulary of more than 100 different signs. His vocal communication is getting better, too. He can now SAY the words dada, papa, purple, hi, ball, football, and bye-bye. These words are relatively easy for Alex and I to understand but are probably harder for other people to decipher. Either way, we are also very encouraged and hopeful by these gains. He shows an incredible amount of patience and grace towards us when we have a difficult time understanding what he's trying to say. He rarely shows any signs of frustration and instead continues to try different ways to get his point across. He probably thinks his parents are a couple of dummies. :) It's really neat because since Riley knows every sign Cale knows, she is sometimes able to vocally tell us what Cale wants. We will be driving near the mall and Cale will do the sign for "train", meaning that he wants to go play on the train in the mall, and pretty soon Riley will say, "Mama, Cale wants to go to the choo-choo!". It's a huge blessing that Cale and Riley are able to communicate with each other!
There are so many other things I could write about now, including the several doctor appointments Cale has been to this summer, but I think I've shared enough for now. :) All in all, we seem to be doing well the past several weeks. My spirits are lifted and I feel pretty positive and hopeful about life. Cale starts preschool next Wednesday and so I'm sure I'll be sharing about that soon!
Alex has been EXTREMELY busy at work the last few months which has probably contributed to our quiet summer. He finally closed a deal last week which has him breathing a huge sigh of relief. He has an extraordinary work ethic and as much as I'd like to complain about him working so much and not being as available to our family as he usually is, I'm grateful he's willing to work so hard to provide for us. I definitely got lucky when he chose me to spend his life with.
Cale and Riley continue to be loads of work and some days I've considering trading them in for new ones, but at the end of each day when they finally fall asleep and look seemingly innocent on all accounts, I remember how lucky I am to have these two wonderful kids.
Riley is a constant stream of entertainment, always making me laugh and marvel at how fast she is growing up. She's talking in full sentences and developing her own personality. She's reached the independent I-can-do-it-myself stage. She refuses help even when she clearly needs it, which usually results in lots of tears and frustration...taking after her mother, I'm afraid. She asks what seems like hundreds of questions within a matter of twenty minutes, usually while we're in the car, and when I catch myself becoming irritated after hearing the same question over and over again, I remind myself that it's a blessing she can process her thoughts and voice them into questions. I do find myself taking her normalcy for granted from time to time, which is both disappointing and sad, because I told myself I would never do that. It's heartbreaking to realize that I sometimes forget what a giant miracle she is.
Cale continues to be my Little Engine That Could. He amazes me almost every day with his never-ending supply of determination and patience. He's walking better, which is one thing I can confidently say I have NOT taken for granted, and his sense of balance seems to be improving as well. He still falls from time to time but he's better at catching himself and staying upright when his sister crashes into him. He's able to walk up and down the stairs holding onto the rail while someone holds his other hand, which is honestly something I never thought I would see. I'm hopeful that he will one day be able to go up and down all on his own! He's also been able to crawl/walk up the stairs at the playground to go down the slide, all by himself! He's mastered "scooting" which has allowed him to do the whole process of going down the slide completely on his own, which I must admit has lifted much anxiety about going to the park. Last summer I can remember dreading going there because it was so depressing to watch a child not be able to play on toys that were created for him, but this summer that all changed. I enjoyed going to the park and watching Cale overcome his fears and conquering obstacles. On a more impressive note, after nearly three years of hard work, he is finally allowing solid food in his mouth!!! He's never been a fan of pureed textures and usually pushes them out with his tongue. He's always had his eye on whatever we are eating: steak, bread, corn on-the-cob...you know, the easy stuff. (yeah right!) About a month ago we were at the dinner table eating tacos. After we were all finished and just sitting around the table talking, Cale leaned over and grabbed a black bean off my plate. He fumbled with it in his hands while trying to get it into his mouth. This wasn't unusual because we always give him things off our plate to suck on and taste. I asked him if he wanted me to help him and by some miracle he let me put the little black bean in his mouth! Once in his mouth, rather than freaking out and immediately pushing it out with his tongue, he kept his mouth closed and started making a chewing motion! Now this was indeed a miracle! He had never done this in his nearly four years of living! He calmly moved the little bean around in his mouth and after a few minutes I watched him swallow it! Alex and I were practically doing backflips in the kitchen, clapping and praising Cale with everything we had. He continued to eat SIX more little black beans before he finally decided he was full. :) He was so proud of himself, probably because Alex and I were acting as if he had just won an Olympic event, but the smile and sense of satisfaction on his face was priceless and probably a moment I will never forget. After the little black bean, he has since allowed more things into his mouth. He's since tried watermelon, pancakes, baked beans, cake, and a few other things. He is still very far from being at a point where he could eat enough to actually gain nutrition from it, but we are incredibly encouraged and hopeful that his days on a liquid diet may soon be over. Aside from advances in his eating, he is also getting more efficient with his communication. He learns signs as fast as I can say them and probably has a vocabulary of more than 100 different signs. His vocal communication is getting better, too. He can now SAY the words dada, papa, purple, hi, ball, football, and bye-bye. These words are relatively easy for Alex and I to understand but are probably harder for other people to decipher. Either way, we are also very encouraged and hopeful by these gains. He shows an incredible amount of patience and grace towards us when we have a difficult time understanding what he's trying to say. He rarely shows any signs of frustration and instead continues to try different ways to get his point across. He probably thinks his parents are a couple of dummies. :) It's really neat because since Riley knows every sign Cale knows, she is sometimes able to vocally tell us what Cale wants. We will be driving near the mall and Cale will do the sign for "train", meaning that he wants to go play on the train in the mall, and pretty soon Riley will say, "Mama, Cale wants to go to the choo-choo!". It's a huge blessing that Cale and Riley are able to communicate with each other!
There are so many other things I could write about now, including the several doctor appointments Cale has been to this summer, but I think I've shared enough for now. :) All in all, we seem to be doing well the past several weeks. My spirits are lifted and I feel pretty positive and hopeful about life. Cale starts preschool next Wednesday and so I'm sure I'll be sharing about that soon!
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