Winter Wonderland

Almost every Christmas since I can remember I have asked for a white Christmas.  

This year, whether it actually snows on Christmas day or not, we will surely have a white Christmas.  It has been snowing all day long and there is probably ten inches on our back porch.  They are the really big, fluffy snowflakes that are perfect for accumulating and so everywhere you look it looks like a winter wonderland!  Watching snow fall is one of the most calming things to do; you can't help but feel at peace despite anything else going on around you.  It's really beautiful.  

It has been so fun to show Cale snow!  He is absolutely fascinated by the stuff!  He's not too interested in the snow that's already on the ground, although I think he will be once we let him play in it, but he really loves to watch it fall from the sky.  He just sits there and points to it...so cute!  I'm really looking forward to taking him sledding because I just know he is going to be so floored by the whole experience!  He may even forget he has a hat on.  For those of you who don't know Cale very well, he LOATHES things on his head and so it's been a real challenge to keep his head and ears warm this winter. :)  I'm pretty sure I get nasty glances from other mothers who think I'm just an irresponsible young mom by not putting a hat on my child.  Riley, on the other hand, is usually so well bundled up that when I go to take off her hat and coat her hair is plastered to her head by all the sweat.  Lovely.

Both kids are in bed right now, sound asleep (or at least I hope) and I can't help but feel like my heart is overflowing with love for them.  Each are so different but so uniquely special to me.  I worried I wouldn't have enough love to give Riley, as I thought I couldn't love anybody more than I do my son, but somehow your heart grows and squeezes in just enough room before you feel like it's going to burst.  The ability to love is one of life's greatest gifts.

I thought maybe the snow had let up while I was writing this but as I look outside I see that there's really no sign of it letting up anytime soon.  A winter wonderland it is indeed.   

Just when I think there's no hope for Cale and it seems like every day is an uphill climb for him, God shines His light on us and reminds me that with Him there is always HOPE.  

For the past four months we have been doing some pretty intensive speech therapy with Cale. Although it's called "speech" therapy it really only focuses on his eating rather than his talking.  Like I've said before he gets his main nutrition from a drink called Pediasure but we have been working very hard towards getting him to eat more solid foods.  When we first began with therapy Cale couldn't even eat baby food...you know, the nasty pureed stuff in the little jars.  We considered it a miracle if he took ONE bite and danced around the kitchen like idiots celebrating. We thought maybe it was the taste or the texture he didn't like because he wouldn't even touch the stuff, and if he did get food into his mouth he would push it out instantly with his tongue.  Since we've started the speech therapy, though, we've learned it has nothing to do with the taste but rather the lack of control he has over his tongue.  Just like he has problems "motor planning" to perform gross motor functions, he has the same problem with his tongue; he doesn't quite have the control to move the food around in his mouth to get it back far enough to swallow.  He's wanted to eat all along but has been paralyzed with the fear of choking.  To try and understand what it's like for him, I tried putting food in my mouth without using my tongue to move it around and believe me, you feel like you're going to choke!  No wonder he never wanted to eat.  

Well now he has the control he needs to be able to eat pureed foods.  It took a LONG time and A LOT of hard work and practice, but he now eats those foods pretty well.  HOWEVER, he sometimes gets a stubborn streak in him and decides to not eat all together.  Very frustrating.  He started one of his stubborn streaks a few days ago and since these come and go quite frequently, Alex and I were both ready to throw in the towel.  No more practicing.  No more fighting with him to get him to eat.  No more stressing over how to get high calorie foods in him.  WE'RE DONE!  If Cale doesn't want to eat, we are done trying to make him. 

Those were our thoughts anyhow.

Just after having said that, the next day I felt too guilty to give up on him.  I sat him in his high chair wondering why on earth I was volunteering to go to battle with him - knowing the next ten minutes would undoubtedly ruin the rest of my day - when I offered him a bite of pudding.  He opened his mouth, took a bite, swallowed, and then asked for more.  WHAT???!!!  This is not the same kid that I was dealing with yesterday.  He didn't try to grab the spoon, he didn't try and play imaginary games to distract me from feeding him, he didn't try and squirm out of his high chair - he simply sat there and let me feed him...ALL of it!  He finished his pudding and seemed to still be hungry so I made him a smoothie of bananas, pears, yogurt, and orange juice.  Since he did so well I decided to let him try and feed himself. (He gets EXTREMELY happy when you let him hold the spoon and do it himself!)  I normally don't expect much from him at this point other than dreading how messy he's going to get.  He doesn't yet have the skills to self-feed and so right now it's just a fun thing for him to start practicing.  Well, when I gave him the spoon he tried to dip it into the bowel to get another bite.  I helped him with this part but let him do the rest.  He brought the spoon to this mouth, took an actual GOOD bite, and tried to scoop more onto the spoon again!!!  For those of you who don't know Cale very well, this is a HUGE accomplishment!  

A few days ago I was in tears wondering why on earth EVERYTHING has to be so hard for him.  Why can't SOMETHING come easy to him?  Why does he need therapy to accomplish things that come so easy to others?  I sometimes get so angry with God because I know He could fix this if He wanted to.  Why is He punishing MY family?  I also get angry because some days are so GOOD and I become so inflated with hope, only to have the next day crumble any foundation of hope I have worked so hard at building.  But then God steps in and gives me glimpses of hope - His hope - like Cale eating again and being able to take one bite all by himself.  I know I will get angry again and I will feel like giving up.  Cale will undoubtedly frustrate me to my very ends, but God will faithfully answer - like He always does - and give me a taste of the hope He promises to give to those who love Him.  

For me, hope comes in packages like a simple bite, an unbalanced step, a high-five met halfway, or two little hands saying "please".  God has a plan for Cale.  A perfect plan.  What more hope do I need than that?

Merry Christmas!!!

M is for Mary.  Without her Jesus would not have had a womb to be knit in.

E is for Erica.  I LOVE Christmas and cannot wait to celebrate with family.

R is for Riley. Happy 1st Christmas, baby girl!

R is for rushing.  People rushing around like chickens with their heads cut off.

Y is for yodeling.  Or caroling. :)

C is for Cale.  His 3rd Christmas already...time flies!

H is for happy.  Happiness seems to flood the air this time of year.

R is for roads.  How many more cars can fit on them?

I is for icicles.  I love sucking on icicles, even though it's probably not sanitary.

S is for Santa.  The big fat guy in a red suit.  Gotta love him!

T is for time.  Sometimes I wish time could stand still.

M is for mittens.  I'm in need of a good pair of mittens with the below zero temps!

A is for Alex.  There's no better person out there to share my life with!

S is for Savior.  'Tis the reason for the season!

Nine Blissful Hours!

Last night was purely a miracle, plain and simple.  God must have known my needs because He delivered a gift I was in desperate need of.

My kids and husband have all gotten sick within the last week or so.  Nausea, vomiting, fever, muscle soreness...not fun.  I was thanking my lucky stars that I hadn't gotten sick when all of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks!  We were at the airport picking up Alex's little brother (more on that later) when I suddenly became very nauseated.  I ate a few saltine crackers from the airport lounge - yummy - and that seemed to calm my stomach.  I popped a piece of gum into my mouth, left the airport, put my kids down for a nap, and spent a few hours laying on the couch.  At around five o'clock I started to feel nauseated AGAIN but this time I also felt achy, feverish, and my neck was starting to hurt like it always does right before I get sick.  You know the feeling.  I managed to not throw up but I was definitely not feeling well.  I took my temperature and I indeed had a fever.  I skipped dinner in fear it would all come back up and very reluctantly went to the church to fulfill my obligations of babysitting the junior high youth group leader's kids.  My nausea came in waves...one minute I would feel fine and the next I would be rushing to the bathroom.  Nine o'clock rolled around and we packed up and went home.  My husband stopped at the store to get me some 7-Up - a MUST when I'm not feeling well - and then we came home, put Cale to bed, I took a bath, put Riley to bed, and then something miraculous happened!!!

I woke up this morning at eight o'clock!  I hadn't woken up at my usual times of midnight, two o'clock, four o'clock, six o'clock or seven o'clock.  Nine hours of REM! Not only had I woken up from a full night's sleep but I also woke up feeling rested and 100% better than when I had gone to bed. 

God must have known I needed my rest in order to feel better.  What a blessing sleep can be!  I feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel as far as getting Riley to sleep through the night, but I'm sure I'm jumping the gun on this one and she'll get me back tonight.  Oh well, the last five months made last night SO worth it!  

Anyway, so back to the airport.  Alex's little brother, Ben, was stationed in Pensacola, FL following graduating from boot camp and infantry training in San Diego, CA.  Ben is a U.S. Marine and we could not be more proud of him.  He is a different person now than when he left and that's not to say he was a "bad" guy before, but now you can just see the confidence and self-worth that has grown inside him since he left.  He returned home yesterday and is on leave until January 10th.  I have a renewed respect for our military now and thank everyone who stands in uniform this holiday season!

Riley, Riley, Riley...

Every day it seems like Riley is doing something new or at least getting better at doing something she's already learned.  She's quite the little entertainer these days, making us laugh by squealing at her toys or rolling over without the skills to get back.  Ugh, although this is funny it has posed quite the problem during the middle of the night.  Riley loves to be on her stomach but it's only on HER time, which is usually for only a minute or two.  She rolls from her back to stomach but then can't get back and so she WAILS until someone comes along to roll her over.  This is okay during the middle of the day but when she wakes up in the middle of the night and does it, it's a little irritating to be woken up by a screaming child only to see that she needs to be rolled over.  Silly girl.  She's got to learn to roll both ways soon, right?

She's also become quite fond of her big brother.  She's always been interested in him, watching his every move when he's near, but these days she's starting to interact with him which has been very fun to watch.  This morning Cale was playing with her feet...or maybe a better way to put it is that he was trying to take off her socks (more on that later), and Riley thought that was the funniest thing ever.  She giggled at him and once Cale realized she was actually paying attention to him he got extremely happy and started to laugh at her.  They giggled back and forth for probably a good five minutes, occasionally looking up at me to make sure I was watching.  It is so neat to see them act like brother and sister.  I can only imagine what it will be like when she gets a little older and they can really play together.

Okay, so Cale has an obsession with socks.  His socks, his sister's socks, my socks - everybody's socks.  He sees a sock and his mission is to get it off under any circumstance.  It doesn't matter if he has shoes on or even if we've tied quadruple knots in his shoelaces - he WILL get them off and ultimately his socks, too.  If I leave Cale alone with his sister for two minutes, he will have her socks off.  I don't know why he loves them so much because once he gets them off he doesn't do anything with them.  It's just the simple act of getting them off that brings him joy, I guess.  We have a place in our car that we refer to as the "sock graveyard".  This place rests right below his car seat since he generally likes to take his socks off in the car.  So if you're ever in the neighborhood and need a few socks, just take a peek into the back seat of our car. Sock heaven!  We've tried disciplining him for removing his socks and shoes but honestly, is it really that terrible of a thing for him to be doing?  I'm a firm believer in choosing your battles and this sock thing is a battle I choose not to fight.  What's the harm in bare feet anyway?  

It's kind of sad to know these days are almost over.  Pretty soon our kids will be all grown up - or at least out of the baby stage - and then we won't have to worry about things like them not being able to roll both ways or taking off their shoes and socks.  Everyone always says these times go by so fast and to enjoy them, and I always smile and say, "I know" without really knowing, but Cale's a toddler and Riley is nearing half a year old.  I'm starting to get a glimpse of how fast these times really do go by and it makes me a little sad.  

If they are growing so quickly does that mean I'm getting older, too?  

Do you ever have those days when you dream of your life being just a little bit different?I am having one of those today. I was driving down the street, in awe of how many people were on the roads, thinking to myself "shouldn't all of these people be at work?", when it hit me - I wonder what my life would be like if I were a working mom? I'm not going to touch on this too heavily because I realize in doing so it would be like opening up a can of worms, but I do have a few thoughts on the subject.

When Alex and I got engaged and maybe even before, I told him that under no circumstances was I going to be a stay-at-home mom. I wanted to work and I defended my position by sharing my own experiences growing up; both of my parents worked and I have zero horror stories of daycare, nor do I feel cheated out of any time spent with my mom and dad. I turned out just fine and I'm proud of my parents' decision to keep working when they had kids. Furthermore, by the time I got a little older I cherished the two hours I had alone between getting home from school and when my mom and dad got home from work. I don't think I got in too much trouble during those two hours, which is a big concern in today's debate of raising kids.

Before we had Cale I was employed at a brokerage firm in downtown Missoula. I really enjoyed my job and was learning quite a bit about the financial markets in today's economy. In the back of my head I knew it was a possibility that I wouldn't return after my three-month maternity leave but, good or bad, I wasn't upfront with my boss about my decision, mainly due to the fact that I myself hadn't committed 100% either way - continue to work or stay at home with my son? Well, Cale's entrance into this world left him in the hospital for the first two months of his life and so if I were to go back to work after my maternity leave was up, I would have only had him home for one month. No thanks, here's my resignation boss.

Although my decision to stay at home was partly due to our circumstances, I truly believe I am doing the best thing for OUR family. That's not to say having a parent stay at home is always the best decision. I'm a firm believer that every family is different and there is no right or wrong answer. Perhaps if we lived in a bigger city there would be more options for specialized daycare for Cale, but unfortunately I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving Cale anywhere here. I'm also a pretty big sap when it comes to leaving my kids - the first time I left Cale in the nursery at church I cried like a baby. I'm not sure I would do too well leaving them for a whole day because I have yet to leave Riley alone for more than an hour, and even then it was either with Alex or my family. I swear I'm not one of those over-protective mothers, I don't think?

HOWEVER, if I were to be a working mom or at least a mom that did something outside of the home, I think I would first go back to school and get my nursing license. Especially when we spent all of that time at the hospital after Cale was born I realized being a nurse was my calling. I would maybe even want to be a NICU nurse, even though it would be incredibly emotionally challenging. I LOVE helping people and getting a peek into their lives, sharing stories, and connecting with others on a level that the general public doesn't. And as disgusting as you might think this is, I LOVE hospital food! I'm a little embarrassed about that last sentence and I'm debating on erasing it but I think I'll leave it be...

Back to working versus staying at home; for our family, having me stay at home is the best option for us because I would miss out on so much of Cale's care. We have therapists come into our home three days a week and if I working, I would miss out on what they were working on and most importantly I would miss out on seeing him make progress. Some of my best days are when I see Cale overcome something we've been working on for months and months! Overall, Cale just has some special needs that I don't think he could get at a normal 8-5 daycare. Socialization is a big concern of mine but he's around kids his age at least three to four times a week; not as often he would be if were at a daycare but still often enough to keep my nerves in check. :)

I used to think stay-at-homes didn't have any "worth"...after all, all they did was sit at home cooking and folding laundry. Ha, that's funny. I was worried I would feel like I wasn't contributing to anything with my life if I stayed at home with my kids, but now I realize I'm contributing in the best way I know how to the two most important things in my life - Cale and Riley. For me and my family, at home is where I belong and I am so thankful we are able to make that choice.

Maybe some day when the kids are older and in school I can go back to school and get my nursing degree...or do whatever I choose to do. That's the beauty of living in America.

Sans Kids

I'm going to try and get through an entire post without mentioning my kids.  I love them dearly but as I periodically re-read through my blog I notice that ALL of my comments have to do with them.  I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with that but there is more to my life than just my offspring.  We'll see how I do...

So I have been trying to Christmas shop for Alex the past couple of weeks but I have had ZERO luck!  I even have the benefit of a LIST that he himself gave me, but for some reason my attempts have come back void.  Grr.  I tried to offer not doing Christmas for each other this year but apparently that idea wasn't taken with the same enthusiasm I shared for it.  He tried to tell me that even if I thought it was a good idea at the time that I would ultimately be disappointed on Christmas when there weren't any presents for me under the tree.  I'm not going to deny that as a possibility but it sure would cut down on the amount of work.  Is that un-American?  Besides, shopping with two kids is sometimes downright impossible! (whoops, mistake #1)

One of the things I enjoy most is working out.  After Cale was born (mistake #2) Alex and I got a membership to a gym and I probably went on an average of six days a week for nearly two years.  When I was pregnant with Riley (mistake #3) I tried to go everyday and by the time I was full-term, people started following me around just to make sure I wasn't inducing myself into labor. (trust me, near the end I tried many times!)  Working out does a few things for me; one, it just makes you feel good.  I usually go in the mornings and so I end up feeling refreshed for the rest of the day.  Two, it gives me a mini-break from my kids. (mistake #4)  I drop them off at the daycare and I have a full hour and a half to myself.  Bliss!!!  Well, I am embarrassed to admit that YESTERDAY was my first day back to the gym since Riley was born. (mistake #5)  It felt so good to sweat and get my heart rate back up!  Sounds a little gross but there's nothing quite like building up a good sweat.  I'm a little sore today but other than that I feel great.  Alex and I have made a promise to each other that we are going to start going to the gym during his lunch hour.  I went by myself on Wednesday because he had a lunch meeting but tomorrow is our first day going together!  I'm excited!

Well I should probably go rescue my daughter.  She's napping in her crib and I'm betting by the sound of her cry that she's rolled over onto her stomach and can't get back.  Ugh, it's so annoying - she loves to roll over but then gets so mad when she can't roll back.  I hope she learns to roll both ways soon because this new activity really interrupts her good mood. (mistake #6)

Six mentions of my kids isn't that bad, right?   Nah, I think I did pretty well. :)