God is Good...ALL THE TIME!

This past weekend was quite possibly the worst couple of days I have ever experienced. It ranks right up there with that crisp April day two years ago when Cale was diagnosed with cerebral palsy. Yes, it was indeed that bad. Perhaps April is just not a good month.

Last Thursday I started to notice that Cale wasn't moving around like he usually does. He was slow, weak, and most often would just choose not to move and scream bloody murder instead. He normally crawls all over the place, getting into things he shouldn't be getting into, following his sister wherever she goes, and if nothing else motivates him to move it's a sure bet the offer to read him a book will kick him into high gear. When asked to go and pick out a book, he screamed and screamed...never moving an inch. I panicked.

All of the doctors and therapists we've seen have always been pleased with the fact that Cale continues to progress, albeit slower than normal, he continues to make gains. They always warn Alex and me to take note if he ever loses a skill, and that that would be a sign of concern and to take him to his pediatrician immediately. We watched him closely Thursday night and decided to give it another day to take him in. Friday started out much of the same; he would try to move but would quickly give up and just scream for hours. Finally during lunch, I put him next to a chair and he just slumped over and appeared to not even have the strength to sit up. Through panicked and scared tears, I called his pediatrician and she told us to come in right away.

I remember like it was just yesterday the day we drove to his doctor two years ago. I had a bad feeling about the appointment and so I made a CD full of worship songs, just in case I needed them after we were done. After she had given us the diagnosis, I walked back to the car with my baby boy in my arms, wishing our lives here on earth would be over soon so that we could be in Heaven together. I didn't want to experience the pain that, I thought, was only left for us here on earth. I didn't necessarily want to die but I certainly didn't want to live. Driving to the doctors office this time was much of the same. I tuned the radio to the local Christian station and bawled the entire drive. I was scared, hopeless, and angry with God for allowing yet another terrible situation to effect our family. I walked up the flight of stairs, holding Cale, ready to face the next defining moment that would effect the rest of our lives.

Thankfully, his doctor wasn't ready to diagnose him with the sort of digression I thought he was experiencing. She gave a couple of scenarios and told us to give it through the weekend before we brought him in again. Even though she didn't deliver bad news, I was cautious to believe that we were in the clear. I was still scared, still angry, and playing through all the horrible situations I could think of in my head. Watching and waiting all weekend was going to be torture.

Saturday was probably the worst of the two days. Alex and I were both so scared and couldn't find a way to make peace in our home. We were both angry at God, scared for our little boy whom we loved so much, and uncertain how to deal with the emotions we were feeling. The tension in our home was almost too unbearable to deal with. We spent the day doing everything we could think of to get Cale to move and all of our efforts were met with complete and utter disappointment. I remember putting Cale to bed that night and laying down with my son, tears running down my face while I put my hand on his little head, pleading and praying for God to heal him.

Sunday morning came and Cale still didn't show any signs of being able to move. We got ready for church as usual and I remember driving and telling Alex I wish I had water-proof mascara. I knew the water-works were coming soon. Ironically, our pastor delivered an amazing sermon on suffering. My family was suffering and it was so refreshing to be reminded of God's plan for suffering. I was still angry, though, and not ready to praise God for what He was doing in our lives. I could make sense of God doing something to me, like allowing me to get cancer or something like that, but I just couldn't wrap my mind around why He would allow something so terrible to happen to my little boy. He is so innocent and yet already having to deal with more than I probably have in my entire life. "It's just not fair", is what I thought.

Monday we drove to Helena for an orthopedic appointment that we had scheduled for Cale even before this all started happening. The appointment went surprisingly well, although I was almost hoping for her to see something that was preventing Cale from being able to move around like he once had been able to. His bones looked great, though, and she thought Cale would one day walk even though she couldn't be 100% certain. That was good news - Praise the Lord for good news! We got home and Cale actually started to crawl a little bit. He was admittedly weak and wouldn't go far but at least he was moving! We went about the rest of our night as usual and after we got the kids in their pajamas and ready for bed, we decided to stretch Cale and play the "ping-pong" game, which is just when Alex and I sit about four feet apart and help Cale walk to and from us. Note: he has NEVER taken an independent step while doing this. After about three our four passes between us, Cale miraculously took one step all on his own! Alex and I clapped and screamed and acted like complete idiots, but considering the last few days this was, by far, way more than we could have ever hoped for. Cale was so proud of himself, laughing and giggling during each pass between us. We probably did this for a solid forty-five minutes, keeping the kids way up past their bed time, but we just could not get enough of watching Cale take his very first steps all on his own. He took about ten steps throughout the forty-five minutes we were doing this, at most two at a time, and after we finally put him to bed I had to stay up for at least another hour just to have the adrenaline leave my body.

There are two things I have learned from the last four days. 1. I admit that I am often sad when I think of everything Cale can't do. He can't run around and play like the other kids his age do, but after going through the scare of him possibly not being able to move at all made me incredibly thankful for all that Cale CAN do. He can do a lot and I need to remember we are blessed for his abilities and that things could be a lot worse. 2. God is good...ALL THE TIME. Even though I don't understand the way He works or why He allows the things to happen that He does, His plan is good. He loves Cale more than I do, which is impossible to wrap my mind around, and He is going to use Cale in a way that blows any plan that I have for him out of the water!

I'm still scared and still left wishing I knew what the future holds for our family, but I'm hopeful and reminded that God is faithful.

A Little of This, a Little of That

I am finally enjoying a little peace and quiet after a morning full of distraught, crying children. I made the "mistake" of introducing bubbles to Cale and he's really only happy if I'm sitting on the floor blowing bubbles high into the air while he watches and bounces with delight. Apparently he doesn't understand that one cannot blow bubbles 24/7...it makes a person very light-headed. Riley, on the other hand, couldn't care less about the bubbles but she does find it necessary to be held during every waking moment. It's really quite cute; she crawls, following me anywhere and everywhere, occasionally attaching herself to my leg while her big alligator tears soak up her cheek. I've always been a bit jealous of the love Cale so unashamedly shows for his father, and so although Riley's incessant need to be around me is sometimes annoying, on the inside I am glowing with the thrill of being her #1. I'm very aware that this will most likely change but for now I am living it up! It's such a very good feeling to be the favorite.

While I'm not blowing bubbles or holding the Princess, I have been accomplishing quite a bit. For whatever reason I have gotten the bug of "spring cleaning". Although our weather shows no sign of spring arriving anytime soon, I have been in the mood to organize, organize, organize. For the past two weeks I have stayed caught up with our laundry which has made life so much easier! I know exactly where every piece of clothing is and it's rather amazing to be able to throw clothes into the hamper without having to crawl into it to squish the clothes down to make room for more. I ravaged my closet and dresser and ridded them both of unneeded clothing and donated it all to Goodwill. I threw away any clutter that has done nothing but collect dust, I organized our junk drawer so that our junk can now be easily found, I cleaned out our refrigerator and all of our cupboards, and really all that is left to do is box up all of Riley's clothes that no longer fit her. There really is no greater feeling than the feeling of accomplishment.

Ahhhh.

Aside from organizing our house, I have been doing a lot of thinking. Riley has started crawling, which has led her to start pulling herself up on furniture or anything else she can get her hands on, cruising along said things, saying "mama" and "dada", and eating practically anything you put into her mouth. All of those things are things Cale either struggles with or cannot yet do. He crawls well, although slow, and he is able to cruise along furniture but not without showing his struggle with balance. He has yet to make a "mama" or "dada" noise and getting him to eat is literally like pulling teeth. I knew Riley would pass him in skills eventually but I guess I just wasn't prepared to have it happen this soon. It's created a whole new set of emotions within me but I'll save delving into that for later.

I've enjoyed almost a full two hours to myself but I now hear both kids waking up from their naps. Time to get out the bubbles.

On the road...

Tomorrow Alex and I are traveling to Billings. He is attending a youth worker conference while mixing in a little business and I am just going along for the ride. Although I am dreading the five hours in the car with both kids, I am very excited to see my parents and sister's family. My dad hasn't seen Riley since Christmas and he is just going to be floored by how much she has changed! My mom also bribed Alex and I with a free day to go skiing while she watches the kids. Who can turn down an offer like that??? I haven't been skiing all season and honestly I don't even know if I got the chance last year. Kids sure do change the options for "free" time.

Among other things, Alex and I have been going through open houses for the past four months or so. We have a very loose ambition of selling our house this summer but it truly is just fun to go through houses and either fall in love with what other people have done, or cringe at what other people are capable of doing! I really feel like I have a pretty good idea of what's important to me for our next house whereas when we bought this house, I was a bit impatient and wanted anything that would get us out of our apartment. In this economy, though, I definitely think our patience, research, and homework will find the perfect house for our family. Don't get me wrong, our current house has definitely become our home and I am going to be a bit sentimental when we do finally move, but it will be very freeing to have more space for the kids to move about in.

Tonight Alex is going to a bachelor party and so the girls (and kids) are getting together for pizza and games. A little girl time will be good for the soul, I think. :)

I hope everyone enjoys the nice weather that is slowly making the days a bit more bearable.

Sleepless nights...

I've had an incredibly difficult time sleeping lately and it's starting to take its toll on me.  Yesterday I felt like a walking zombie and barely had enough energy to make it through the day.  My personality has been a bit dull which is unfortunate for the ones I come in contact throughout the day, but it truly is exhausting to fake a happy persona.  The reason behind me not being able to sleep is because I literally cannot turn my mind off.  It just goes and goes and no matter how hard I try, I cannot stop it from dwelling on a certain two-year old I call my son.

The reality of how difficult my life is going to be is finally starting to hit.  The hopes of Cale one day "catching up" and being normal are slowly fading away.  Most parents look forward to their child growing up but I am terrified.  I lay awake at night going through scenario after scenario of what my life will be like in a year, five years, or even ten years.  I worry so much I begin to feel sick.  I just lay there praying I can fall asleep so that I don't have to worry anymore.   I literally cannot shut off my mind.

I go back and forth on my emotions towards God when it comes to Cale.  Some days I am accepting of what either God has done or has allowed to happen.  Some days I even feel at peace.  Lately, though, all I have been feeling is anger.  God healed many people while on this earth and performed many miracles.  He created the mountains, the stars, and the seas.  He did things we cannot even possibly fathom as human beings, which is why I'm left desperately wondering why He won't heal my son.  My head knows the answer is because He has a plan that will ultimately bring Him the glory, but my heart is in turmoil.  Why Cale?  Why my family?  

I hope this doesn't leave people doubting my love for my son.  I honestly don't think I could love him any more if I tried.  He's my little man and I think I love him more because of the life he's had to fight so hard for.  I just want him to have the best life possible and it's hard for me to accept that this is it.  

God can move mountains, I'm certain of that.  So why won't He heal my son?

  

Baby Dedications!

This coming Sunday we will dedicate Riley to our Lord at Missoula Alliance Church!  I have been consumed with the nonsense of what she's going to wear, what the rest of us is going to wear, if we should have a post-dedication celebration with family and friends, and who's going to take pictures of this momentous occasion.  Getting wrapped up in all of this small stuff has forced me to take a step back and focus on what this day means for our family, and more importantly, for Riley.

It was almost exactly one year ago that we dedicated Cale to the Lord.  He wore a cute black suit with a light blue, button-down shirt and an adorable clip-on tie. He was stunningly handsome!  It was such a big occasion for us that my family from Billings came to witness the event.  Perhaps it was the way Cale entered this world or maybe even the uncertainty of his future that made it so much bigger to us, but for some reason dedicating Riley doesn't seem as momentous.  I look at it somewhat like this: for whatever reason, good or bad, people seem to trust situations to God when they are too big for us to handle on our own.  It's when we feel like we can be in control of things that we stop trusting Him.  If I apply this to Cale and Riley, I begin to see that I feel more in control of Riley than I do of Cale.  I have no idea what the future holds for Cale - will he be able to walk or talk, will he ever have a job, will he ever have a girlfriend or even close friends, will he be accepted by people, will he ever have children of his own, etc.?  With Riley, I "know" she'll be able to walk and talk, she'll probably have tons of friends and unfortunately many boyfriends, she'll have several jobs before she finds the one that ends up being her career, and if she's anything like Alex and me, she'll be a social butterfly who one day has kids of her own.  I have to trust God's plan for Cale because things are too uncertain to make a plan of my own.  With Riley, it's easy for me to get lost in my dreams of her playing golf, going to prom, and planning her wedding that I forget that she's just as fragile as Cale is, and that God could take her from us in one breath.  Her life belongs to God just as much as Cale's does, but it's much easier for me to feel in control of her than it is for me with Cale.  It's hard for me to admit that but it's the honest truth.

This Sunday I am going to pray that Riley will know the Lord at an early age and that she trusts Him with her life.  I will pray that Alex and I can be good role models for her and that she can see God's love shine through us.  I will also pray that I can begin to understand that although she's my child, she's also on loan and that one day she will be with her true Father.  My job is to take the best care of her that I know how and give her the absolute most love she could ever experience on this earth.  

This whole realization is oddly comforting. 

Game's on now!

Alex's birthday was this past Thursday.  He turned 26 years old which means he is closer to 30 than he is 20!  I sometimes find myself laughing when I realize I, too, am getting older and will one day turn 30.  It truly is baffling.  

Anyhow, Alex's birthday had more significance this year than just bringing him one year closer to turning 30.  Riley started crawling, and oh man, things just got interesting!  Cale has been mobile for nearly a year now and so I know what it's like to have to keep my eye on a child, but Riley adds a whole new variable to the equation!  Due to the way Cale is he was never a child that would find a small object on the floor and immediately put it in his mouth.  I could leave pennies, marbles, thumb tacks, and pretty much anything else that a pediatrician or a fellow mom would gasp at the sound of, on the floor and Cale would move right by them and never give them a second look.  Riley, on the other hand, will put anything and everything in her mouth and so I'm learning a whole new definition to the term "baby proof".  Cale, although he crawls and pulls himself up on furniture, doesn't exactly move at lightning speed.  Riley, though, can be nowhere in sight when I'm changing Cale's diaper and the next thing I know she's one fist full of a poopy mess.  Yes, things just got a whole lot more interesting but I am having so much fun!  I remember the countless hours of physical therapy that we needed to get Cale to move and so just watching Riley learn it all on her own has been thrilling, not to mention it has lifted a huge mountain of worry off my shoulders!  Now I just need to hold my breath until she learns to walk and talk. :)  

Cale has been learning a few skills of his own, too.  We have baby latches on all of our cupboards to keep Cale (and now Riley) from opening them and dumping dishes all over the floor.  The other day I was cooking and heard a huge crash!  Cale had pulled a stack of glass bowls off a shelf and let them hit the floor.  No broken glass but there were many tears after a harsh discipline...Cale knows better.  I thought it was weird that he had gotten into the cupboards but I excused it as me just forgetting to close the door.  Well, he got into the same cupboard yesterday but thankfully I caught him before he managed to pull anything off the shelf.  I watched him from the around the corner to see how he was getting the door open and I watched as he carefully opened the door as far as it would go until the baby latch caught, then he wiggled his hand up to pull down on the latch, and after he did that he knew to pull on the door before the latch caught again.  Amazing.  Simply amazing.  So much for our kitchen being child-proofed anymore.  Oh well, a part of me is just so proud that he is smart enough to have figured that out. :)

 

Mall Walking!

Our family is still being plagued by the nasty illness that seems to have taken the whole city of Missoula captive but Cale is on the mend, praise the Lord!  We have literally been cooped up in our house for almost two weeks and so Alex and I decided to take Cale walking around the mall last night.  A few things need clarified before I go any further.

1.  Cale has a special walker that looks very "medical".  It's big, bright orange, and definitely not something you see everyday.  Therefore, we get a lot of stares whenever we take it anywhere.

2.  Since the walker is so big we don't have the space to let him use it in our house.  We usually try and go up to the church since no one is ever there during the evenings, but sometimes it's good for Cale to be in a "normal" functioning setting.

3.  I feel like such a terrible mother for admitting this but I have not let Cale use his walker in over ten months.  I hate how this walker makes me feel.  I hate that my son needs something so "special" to help him walk.  I hate the stares we get.  I hate it when he doesn't do as well in it as I'd hoped.  I literally hate everything about it.

Okay, so now that you have that information you can somewhat understand the emotions and fear I was experiencing as we walked into the mall last night.  Since he has not used his walker since well before Riley was born, I tried to eliminate any and all expectations I had for him.  I tried to just praise myself for finally getting the nerve to let him practice walking again.  Again, I cannot express the guilt I have been feeling over waiting so long to let him use it.  Almost every day I think about it and how maybe if we practiced more often with him he would be closer to walking independently than he is now.  Guilt.  Pure guilt.  

I put Riley in the front pack and off we went.  Alex helped Cale get strapped in and it took him a few minutes to remember what he was supposed to do.  For the first half hour Cale needed to hold both of our hands while he walked, but both Alex and I were amazed at how well he was doing!  In all honesty, even though I was trying not to have any expectations for him I secretly hoped he would do okay, and watching him last night blew my mind!  He did absolutely amazing!  We started at JC Penny and walked to the water fountain by Sears.  Cale LOVES the water fountain, as I've mentioned in earlier posts, and our new thing is to let him toss pennies into the water.  I figured the fountain would be a good motivator for him and it was!  Once he realized where we were going his little feet started moving faster and faster and I don't think he knew he had let go of both of our hands.  Alex and I had the pleasure of watching our son walk ahead of us - something we have dreamed of for a very long time, and even though he was needing a walker to do it, it was still just as proud of moment as though he were doing it under his own steam.  

Once we tossed a few pennies in the water we turned back around and walked back to JC Penny.  This time Cale seemed a lot more interested in the stores and what was in them.  It took a few tears to get him away from the pet store and a minor tantrum to get past the shoes, but once we did he just had a blast walking to and from the potted plants, all the while looking back at us to know if he was doing something we didn't approve of.  Let me tell you, it's really hard to discipline a kid during the moments he's making you the most proud!  

As we were walking out of the mall back to the car, I looked at Alex and said, "that was fun!"  He agreed.  Never in my life would I have imagined combining the word "fun" with the circumstances we are faced with.  But it was fun.  It was fun to see Cale get so pleased with himself and to see him flash that big grin he gets when he knows he's done something well.  Another great thing about last night is that we did get some stares, but the stares were not mean.  In fact, each stare was followed by a smile.  We got a lot of comments on how cute he was but of course we already knew that.

So, I still feel guilty about waiting so long to let him use it, but now maybe next time it won't be so scary.  And who knows, Cale may be walking in no time!