milestones

Here are a few (good) things going on with Mr. Cale:

• Three weeks ago he learned (gained the confidence) to go down the stairs all by himself with just the use of a handrail!  This is both good and bad in the sense that he loves his new talent and wants to practice it all day long which provides many opportunities for him to do so unsupervised.  I'm waiting for his first tumble.  
• With a lifejacket and four noodles tucked under his arms he is able to stay afloat in the swimming pool without someone holding on to him.  He is also figuring out that if he kicks his legs he can move to other parts of the pool.
• With nearly 4 1/2 years of speech therapy under his belt he is gaining more and more control over his speech. He can say all of his vowels without a second thought and is trying new sounds every day.  A lot of  his words I can understand if I know the context and if I made a list of the words he can say it may add up to about ten or so.  
• He can finish an entire small cup of ice cream from Dairy Queen!
• He can get on and off a tricycle without any help, although peddling is still a work in progress.
• He is able to show irritability towards his sister, in a way she can understand, when she's wanting him to do something that he doesn't want to do.  I love that he's growing a backbone...this will come in very handy in life.  I'm still looking for mine. 
• He can identify most letters and can even produce a few of the correct sounds.  I'm pretty sure he'd be able to say them all if his mouth would just work right! :)
• He is in the beginning stages of potty-training.  We have had a handful of successes...wahoo!!!
• He wants nothing more than to be Buzz Lightyear from "Toy Story".
• He can play at a park like a semi-normal kid because he can go up stairs all on his own and finally feels confident enough to just go for it, even if it is a little scary!

There are probably many more significant things he's doing these days but those are just a few I can jot down in words.  He is improving and progressing daily and it's during the hard times that I wish could remind myself of that more often.  

Here's what Riley is up to:

• She took swim lessons with Alex at the start of the summer and can now swim around the pool all by herself with a lifejacket on.  She hops in and out without using the stairs and even dares to jump off the diving board.  I am cautious of everything, she is cautious of nothing!
• Riley sits in on Cale's speech therapy and so she's also able to identify most letters and say a few of their correct sounds.  
• She is able to count objects, as long as there isn't any more than ten. :)
• She is starting to "pretend play" and it's absolutely hilarious to listen in on the scenarios she thinks up.
• She is on her way to being potty-trained during nap time and bed time.  She's completely potty-trained during the day.
• She loves the movie "Cars" and would be content to watch it every day for the rest of her life. 
• She can swing in a big girl swing which terrifies the heck out of me.
• She can color mostly in the lines. :)
• She hates that she can't go to school like her big brother.

All in all, Riley is growing up way too fast.  Her mannerisms and choice of words all point to a young girl instead of my little toddler.  

And finally, Cash:

• At two months old he weighs 13 lbs which puts him in the 75th percentile.  His height also hits the 75th percentile at 23 3/4 inches.  
• He poops ALL DAY LONG.  I'm very serious when I say I don't think I've ever changed just a wet diaper and I think we go through about twelve diapers a day.  
• He is starting to go longer stretches between feedings, so now I can go about three hours without feeling like all I am to him is a cow.
• He is sleeping okay at night.  His longest stretch of sleep has been five hours but that has only happened once.  It's usually two or three hours before he starts yelling at me to change his diaper and feed him.
• He is smiling more and more and within the last few weeks has really started using his voice.  I love those little coos.
• He is able to control his head very well and I can contribute this to the fact that he is the first child of ours to not loathe tummy time.  He is content to be on his belly for five or ten minutes before he realizes that his face is beginning to smash into the carpet. :)
• He has an uncanny ability to know when he's not being held, therefore I spend the majority of my day with a baby in my arms.  Note: I secretly enjoy this because, God-willing, he is our last baby and I want to soak up and enjoy every minute I have with this little guy.
• He tracks me from across the room and is soothed by the sound of my voice.

He is definitely an easy baby, or perhaps it just seems that way because he's the third baby and we've relaxed quite a bit.  For the most part he's pretty chill and I could not be more thankful that God outnumbered Alex and me with a third child. :)

normal mom things

Being Cale's mom sometimes feels like the loneliest place in the world.

No, it is the loneliest place in the world.  Or at least in my world.

I want to be a normal mom.

With summer winding down and school back in session, moms are excitedly dropping their kid off for their first day of school and having to hide back the tears when their child doesn't want them to kiss them good-bye or drop them off too close to the front of the school.  Moms are fighting to sign up their kids for soccer, gymnastics, dance, and t-ball.  Their schedules are crazy and their calendars are all marked up with different activities with lists of whose responsible for taking who where.

Today was Cale's first day of school and we have spent several weeks preparing him for this day.  The mere mention of the word has brought on a bucket of tears and hours wasted with anxiety.  It's very difficult for Cale to forget anything and we're learning that it's becoming more and more of a struggle to redirect his thoughts and attention, therefore an entire day can be spent assuring him that his first day of school is going to be okay.  Last night we had our first big success of talking about school without encountering a major meltdown.  I pretended to be his teacher and went over what I thought she might ask him when she saw him for the first time.  He seemed to like that and we saw our first glimpse of excitement in him.  He actually went to bed without crying about today's looming events.  Success!

We woke up this morning and only had a few bouts of whining.  He ate breakfast, got dressed, brushed his teeth and we were all ready in perfect time to take a few 'first day of school' pictures.  I was relieved to see that he was in a good enough mood to smile for the camera.  In fact he even seemed excited which filled my heart with unexpected joy.  After pictures we hopped in the car and the drive to school was relatively calm.  We went over what he was going to tell his teacher if she asked him what he did this summer and that seemed to lighten the mood.  Once we pulled up in front of school I could tell he was becoming more and more anxious, and sure enough it was a tiny bit of a struggle to get him to walk into his classroom.  He clung to Riley and shed a few tears when it was time to say good-bye but as soon as we turned the corner the cries muffled out so I'm assuming he calmed down rather quickly.  We survived the first day of school drop-off.

Needless to say, I wasn't crying over how independent and grown up my little boy was becoming.  I walked away wishing that for special days like these I could be a normal mom.

With summer winding down, our schedule is changing and a new routine is about to begin.  My calendar is full and life is about to get crazy.  However, instead of fighting to get Cale signed up for t-ball or soccer, I am fighting to schedule his many therapies so that we can get through the week with a tiny bit of free time.  My calendar is full of doctor appointments, case worker meetings, and conferences on how to maximize Cale's potential.  I wish so badly that I was a normal mom that could sign my son up for normal things.

With Cale getting older and his peers growing right along with him, I feel that we are on the journey to getting left behind.  It seems as though my girl friends get together because their kids enjoy playing together...they ask to play together...and no one ever asks to play with Cale.  I feel as though I am getting left behind which is both incredibly hard for me to admit and incredibly difficult for me to accept.  I always thought Cale's differences would affect him in this way, never me.  I just want to be a normal mom.

The crappy thing about all of this is knowing that Cale probably wishes he were normal a million times more than I wish I were a normal mom.  My heart just aches for him, for us.

third time's a charm

Okay, I apologize that it's taken me five weeks to update the ol' blog.  Let it be known, however, that I have thought about posting many, many times.  I've even sat down and started to write at least a dozen different instances.  The hangup inevitably occurs when I decide to lay Cash down. <gasp!>  Yes, this baby hates to leave my arms and I must admit, I'm kind of smitten with him and so I generally try not to complain too much about his incessant need to be held.  He's content in his swing, for the time being, and so I'll try and knock out a quick update our new life as a family of five.

I think the best way to sum it up can be found in my response when a friend asked me how it was going with three kids.  My answer: I love it.

I'm not sure I was able to convey my anxiety and trepidation over his arrival very well in writing.  Before Cash was born I was scared beyond belief of what adding another child would do to our family, and more selfishly of what it would do to me.  Raising two kids is a challenge for me, especially when one of those kids requires special care that I feel like I am the only one capable of giving.  I'm terrible at asking for help and so when life gets hard I feel like I'm getting sucked under water and dragged out to sea by the undertow.  How on earth was I going to manage a newborn?

When I was in labor and my doctor told me I was at nine centimeters and almost ready to push, amidst the pain and exhaustion of labor, I remember thinking that my life was about to change; a new life was minutes away from turning my whole world upside down.  I was scared.  I was asking myself why I ever thought another child seemed like a good idea.  I was looking at Alex and thinking, "You did this to me!".  But then he was born.  And then he cried.  And after he was laid on my chest and I caught my very first glimpse at him, I was in love.  He was perfect.

Adjusting to three kids has been nothing short of amazing.  Sure, life is a bit more crazy and it takes me half the day to get ready to go anywhere, but being a mom of three could quite possibly be one of the greatest things to ever happen to me.

I get asked all the time how it's going with three kids and the person asking me usually has this grimace on their face as they wait for my reply, as if I'm going to breakdown in a heap of tears and they're going to have to comfort me after I tell them how awful and exhausting it is, but then I love the look of shock on their faces after I tell them how much I love it and how wonderful it is.

I have to admit, though, I'm just as shocked as they are.  After we brought Cale home from the hospital I was completely overwhelmed and paranoid about every. aspect. of parenting..  After we brought Riley home I was a total mess and couldn't stop crying for days.  This time around, though, I'm genuinely happy and so very grateful.

I guess third time's a charm.

back to basics

I spent the horribly long winter months wishing them away.  I longed for Summer and for the freedom of being able to play outdoors.  I was sick and tired of wasting thirty minutes of my day making sure coats were zipped, hats were on, gloves were secured, and boots were tied.  Winter in Missoula was six long months of constant overcast and record snowfall.  Thankfully Summer finally arrived, the snow melted away and the sun started to shine.  Along with Summer,  however, came the rude reminder of why disabilities suck.

I've refused to acknowledge my feelings of bitterness and sadness towards Cale's disability for the last year or so.  It does me no good to dwell on it because the truth of the matter is that it is what it is and there is not one thing I can do to change it.  I would become a miserable person if I spent each and every one of my days being sad or angry over the life I have been dealt as Cale's mom.

This morning, however, I was pushed to my breaking point.

A group of ladies, who also happen to be some of my closest and dearest girlfriends, have been meeting on Thursday mornings for the past few years as part of a bible study through our church.  Cale's speech therapy has always been during the times they meet and so I have never been able to attend.  This year, even though the official bible study broke for the summer, a certain group decided to meet privately at a house to keep the fellowship and spiritual growth moving.  Knowing that I've never been able to come, they worked hard to change the time to accommodate me.  Today was my first day.

To give you a peek into my thoughts going into something like this I think some background is appropriate.  I become very anxious doing things like this for myself when I know I'll have to bring my kids along.  On one side of the coin I see the need and importance of being around other Christian women who are in a similar stage of life as myself.  I think fellowship is critical and having friends around to encourage and guide me is priceless.  On the flip side, however, I am faced with the guilt of leaving my kids, Cale in particular, with a babysitter.  I play mind games with myself that always give me an excuse of why I shouldn't go, such as "The person watching all the kids doesn't know Cale and since he can't keep up with all the other kids he is eventually going to latch onto the babysitter, she won't know what to do with him so I'll end up keeping him with me and then I won't be able to focus on the bible study so I probably shouldn't even go."  I give myself every reason in the book to stay at home.  Home is comfortable.  Home is familiar.  Home is where Cale feels most secure and safe.  Home is where Cale is understood.  Outside, in the real world, is unknown.  Very few people understand Cale and trying to get his wants and needs across to others must be a never-ending frustrating and overwhelming road for him, not to mention for me as well.

We got to my friend's house and I immediately felt uneasy and anxious.  I saw all of the other kids running around and playing, being typical kids.  And then I saw the giant water slide.  Cale is very familiar with this giant water slide.  In fact it's one of his very favorite things to do during the summer.  It's a big inflatable toy that has two adjoining slides that splash into one big pool of water.  Cale loves it.  The only problem is that he requires constant assistance in order for him to enjoy it.  He needs help climbing up the "rock wall" and then someone to encourage him to scoot to the edge of the slide so that he can gain enough momentum to go down by himself.  Oh, and then he needs someone to make sure he can sit up once he reaches the bottom so that he doesn't drown.  Constant assistance.  I see at least fifteen kids running around my friend's backyard and two babysitters.  One babysitter is holding a baby which leaves one free babysitter.  She is busy herding the other fourteen kids.  The odds are not looking good for my Cale.  There is no way he can play on this favorite toy if I leave him and go sit with the other moms to discuss our book study.  I try and take a deep breath and convince myself to just treat him like a normal kid and put him in his swimsuit.  Thankfully another mom sees me struggling and offers to help sunscreen and change Riley.  Little did she know that she also distracted me enough to keep me from bursting into tears.  Cale is finally dressed and lubed so I walk him over to play in the water.

I take my seat amongst the other moms which is only about fifty yards away from where the kids are playing.  I try to engage in the conversation but my mind and eyes are fixated on Cale.  Is he okay?  Is anybody playing with him?  Should I be over there helping him?  I feel so guilty.  The moms are going around introducing themselves and sharing a high and low point of their week.  It's my turn and without hesitation I admit that my low point for this week is this very moment: watching my son unable to do something that he loves.  I admit that I feel guilty for leaving him because in reality I am literally the only person there that knows how to help him and communicate with him.  I see him sitting at the bottom of the slides, looking up at the kids who are running circles around him and splashing water in his face as they take their turn down the slide.  I want to cry and I want to leave.  There is no way I am going to be able to participate in the conversation or get anything out of sitting with these other moms while I watch my son struggle like this.

I eventually get up and walk over to help Cale.  I spend the rest of the time playing with him and helping him to have fun.  I'm realizing that perhaps doing things like this is just not possible for me right now.  I'm not like all of the other moms and not both of my kids are like all of the other kids.  Cale needs me in ways that other kids don't need their moms.

Disabilities suck, especially during the summer.  Activities like going to the park, taking a late-night trip to get ice cream, eating a popsicle on a hot day, or running through a sprinkler are not things that Cale can easily participate in.  Cale's never even been able to enjoy a popsicle.

Disabilities just suck.

be careful what you ask for

Let me begin by saying that I am entirely grateful for reaching the 38 week mark in this pregnancy.  I begged and pleaded with God for nearly nine months asking for this very moment to become a reality for me and He was faithful in answering my many, countless prayers.  With that said, however, I am so ready for this to be over.  During these last several months I have created a mountain of anxiety over worrying about what my life as a mother of three will be like and I'm finally ready to begin this climb.  Sink or swim has been my personal motto the past few days and I just want to know which one it's going to be.  I hope I have my flippers and life vest with me.

Aside from swollen ankles and a worn path in our carpet leading from the bed to the bathroom, I truly have very little to complain about.  I seem to have more energy than usual, which is good considering my kids are on over-drive now that the summer weather finally decided to show up.  I have been cleaning like crazy and keeping up with the laundry, all the while making time to either take the kids to a park or a pool to burn off their extra energy.  I have been trying to go on long walks or hike the M to get this whole process started but so far the only results I've gotten are a sore butt and puffy feet.  As of my check-up with the doctor last week I am a few centimeters dilated and about 80% effaced, however I was that way with Riley for nearly three weeks before he finally decided to induce me.  Not favorable news in my eyes.  He keeps telling me I won't make it until my due date but I have a feeling God took my prayer of "Please keep me pregnant for 42 weeks and I promise I won't complain" to heart and He's up there looking down on me and saying "be careful what you ask for, Kid.".  


I promise not to complain, I promise not to complain, I promise not to complain...

one year later

A sweet friend of mine approached me about a month ago and offered to throw me a baby shower.  I honestly hadn't given much thought to the idea of having another baby shower, especially since this is my third child and I already have baby boy clothes of Cale's.  Would people think I was a greedy snob for asking for even more stuff to add to our already plentiful baby collection?  I really didn't see a need for gifts and when I told my friend about my concerns of her throwing me a shower, she laughed and simply reminded me that it wasn't about the gifts but about celebrating this new baby's life.  Okay, okay...how can one say no after putting it like that?  I agreed to the shower but not without lingering feelings of guilt.

My shower date is set for June 11th.  When I made a list of dates that worked for me this particular one stood out in my mind like bold print.  I thought perhaps I was forgetting someone's birthday or anniversary but I never could put my finger on it.  My friend picked this date and sent out the invitations, all the while leaving me wondering why on earth that day was leaving a fingerprint on my mind.  I had all but forgotten about it until driving home from running errands this last weekend.  June 11th of last year was the day we lost our baby when I was twelve weeks pregnant.

I remember that day so vividly.  The initial phone call to my doctor, the half hour of waiting in the waiting room, the seemingly blank ultrasound picture, and then the drive back to the hospital that afternoon to have our baby removed from my body.  Days like that day belong in movies, not in real life.  Not in my life.  But now, a year later, I feel surprisingly little.  I'm not sad or angry or regretful.  If anything I'm a little embarrassed of how void my emotions are.  Is it because I have this new baby to look forward to that I don't miss the life that could have been?  Or is it because the imminent arrival of this baby makes me realize that I've needed the last year to prepare for myself for this upcoming transition?

June 11th of this year will be a day filled with joy.  I'm so thankful that my friend convinced me that a baby shower isn't just about getting gifts but rather about celebrating a new life.  The coincidence of it all is just too uncanny to be a coincidence.  I think God is gently reminding me that He is in control and even the trials He allows into my life are woven perfectly into His plan.

rain, rain, go away!

I have yet to see more than two days in a row of good weather here in Missoula.  We keep getting teased with little glimpses of Spring but I'm fairly certain Summer will be here before Spring truly arrives.  This had better not be any indication of how Missoula's summer is going to go.  I want three solid months of temps in the 80's and 90's...and if I'm still huge and pregnant when the hot weather rolls in, so be it!

This Memorial Day weekend was rainy.  And cold.  BUT, we were able to have a fantastic few days together as a family despite the icky weather.  We painted the baby's room and kept the kids busy with various activities such as the carousel, a baseball game, lots of umbrella time, movies, and driving Cale's and Riley's motorized Jeep around up at Grandma and Grandpa's house.  The kids were very sad to watch Dad leave for work this morning and we are slowly trying to adjust to our normal weekly routine.  Wish me luck on that one.  So far I have battled a tantrum or sibling rivalry every half hour.

In other news, I am slowly but surely getting back into taking pictures.  In the month of May I took over 1,300 photos, however I'm sure I only kept about 100 of those.  I'm proud to say that not one of those  photos was shot in automatic mode.  I am loving playing around in manual mode and the more I do it the more comfortable I am getting.  Alex bought me a new photo editing software for Mother's Day and even though it will probably take years of practice before I ever figure it out, I am having a blast playing around with pictures and making them unique.  I have a feeling this is going to be a very time-consuming hobby. :)  My dream is to get good enough with photography that I can make a name for myself by becoming a photographer for Community Medical Center and specializing in taking pictures for families who either know they are going to lose their baby at birth, or being called in at all hours to photograph a baby who died unexpectedly during birth.  I'm also becoming more and more interested in possibly photographing hospice patients.  We'll see where my dream takes me.  All I know is I love photography and the challenge of getting that perfect shot keeps me coming back for more.  I suppose it's a lot like the game of golf in that way.  It doesn't matter if the first seventeen and a half holes were complete and total disasters if you have that perfect last shot on the eighteenth hole...chances are you'll be back at it again the next day to find just one more.  


In pregnancy news, I had a routine doctor's appointment this morning and apparently my body is already preparing itself for labor.  I'm starting to efface and my doctor wants to start seeing me every week from here on out.  To even begin to think about finally meeting this baby has me completely high strung for a couple of reasons.  The first one being that I am only 34 weeks pregnant and it's still far too early for this baby to make his grande debut.  Second, we have yet to agree on a name and there is no way I am delivering this baby without a name picked out for him!

I cannot believe I will soon be a mother of three.