Hills and Valleys, Highs and Lows

If you have been keeping up with my blog, you might remember a former post about my emotional highs and lows in regards to Cale.  At that particular time I was on a "high" - Cale was making great progress and had the attitude of an angel!  I was in good spirits and had faith that Cale could conquer the world!  Well, I have inevitably hit my low.  I am so discouraged and sitting in my "poor me" pool.  I don't like to feel this way and hate myself for it.  When things are good they are REALLY good, but when things are bad they are REALLY bad.  I'm sure all parents feel this way but right now I feel very alone.

Cale has been refusing to eat the past couple of days which is probably the most stressful thing he can do.  His speech therapist thought he was making great progress but it now feels like we are back at square one.  He had breakfast yesterday but refused to eat anything after that.  He's an absolute crab since he's so hungry but yet he won't eat.  I wish I knew what was going through that little mind of his!  We are trying to get him to eat more solid foods so that his main nutrition doesn't have to come from the Pediasure he drinks.  I've made him every food under the sun in hopes that he will take a liking to it but no such luck.  I've wasted a lot of time and a lot of money.  The funny thing is I would spend all day in the kitchen if it meant he was eating something.  

His physical therapist told me she definitely things walking will happen for him but it might take him as long as three more years to master it.  He'll be five by then.  I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to take a five year old places when he can't walk.  I just want him to be able to run around and play with all of the other kids.  Right now he just watches and it breaks my heart.  

Being a parent is hard enough but having to be a parent to a child with special needs has challenged me in ways I never thought possible.  Some days I think it's amazing I even get through them.  I hate when my mind wanders to the fact that our time on earth is only temporary, and some day I will be in heaven where there is no pain and there are no tears.   I want to be able to enjoy life, each and EVERY day, not just the good days.  That is my prayer.

Some days I wonder if the sun will ever come out from behind the clouds.