Mall Walking!

Our family is still being plagued by the nasty illness that seems to have taken the whole city of Missoula captive but Cale is on the mend, praise the Lord!  We have literally been cooped up in our house for almost two weeks and so Alex and I decided to take Cale walking around the mall last night.  A few things need clarified before I go any further.

1.  Cale has a special walker that looks very "medical".  It's big, bright orange, and definitely not something you see everyday.  Therefore, we get a lot of stares whenever we take it anywhere.

2.  Since the walker is so big we don't have the space to let him use it in our house.  We usually try and go up to the church since no one is ever there during the evenings, but sometimes it's good for Cale to be in a "normal" functioning setting.

3.  I feel like such a terrible mother for admitting this but I have not let Cale use his walker in over ten months.  I hate how this walker makes me feel.  I hate that my son needs something so "special" to help him walk.  I hate the stares we get.  I hate it when he doesn't do as well in it as I'd hoped.  I literally hate everything about it.

Okay, so now that you have that information you can somewhat understand the emotions and fear I was experiencing as we walked into the mall last night.  Since he has not used his walker since well before Riley was born, I tried to eliminate any and all expectations I had for him.  I tried to just praise myself for finally getting the nerve to let him practice walking again.  Again, I cannot express the guilt I have been feeling over waiting so long to let him use it.  Almost every day I think about it and how maybe if we practiced more often with him he would be closer to walking independently than he is now.  Guilt.  Pure guilt.  

I put Riley in the front pack and off we went.  Alex helped Cale get strapped in and it took him a few minutes to remember what he was supposed to do.  For the first half hour Cale needed to hold both of our hands while he walked, but both Alex and I were amazed at how well he was doing!  In all honesty, even though I was trying not to have any expectations for him I secretly hoped he would do okay, and watching him last night blew my mind!  He did absolutely amazing!  We started at JC Penny and walked to the water fountain by Sears.  Cale LOVES the water fountain, as I've mentioned in earlier posts, and our new thing is to let him toss pennies into the water.  I figured the fountain would be a good motivator for him and it was!  Once he realized where we were going his little feet started moving faster and faster and I don't think he knew he had let go of both of our hands.  Alex and I had the pleasure of watching our son walk ahead of us - something we have dreamed of for a very long time, and even though he was needing a walker to do it, it was still just as proud of moment as though he were doing it under his own steam.  

Once we tossed a few pennies in the water we turned back around and walked back to JC Penny.  This time Cale seemed a lot more interested in the stores and what was in them.  It took a few tears to get him away from the pet store and a minor tantrum to get past the shoes, but once we did he just had a blast walking to and from the potted plants, all the while looking back at us to know if he was doing something we didn't approve of.  Let me tell you, it's really hard to discipline a kid during the moments he's making you the most proud!  

As we were walking out of the mall back to the car, I looked at Alex and said, "that was fun!"  He agreed.  Never in my life would I have imagined combining the word "fun" with the circumstances we are faced with.  But it was fun.  It was fun to see Cale get so pleased with himself and to see him flash that big grin he gets when he knows he's done something well.  Another great thing about last night is that we did get some stares, but the stares were not mean.  In fact, each stare was followed by a smile.  We got a lot of comments on how cute he was but of course we already knew that.

So, I still feel guilty about waiting so long to let him use it, but now maybe next time it won't be so scary.  And who knows, Cale may be walking in no time!