The reality of how difficult my life is going to be is finally starting to hit. The hopes of Cale one day "catching up" and being normal are slowly fading away. Most parents look forward to their child growing up but I am terrified. I lay awake at night going through scenario after scenario of what my life will be like in a year, five years, or even ten years. I worry so much I begin to feel sick. I just lay there praying I can fall asleep so that I don't have to worry anymore. I literally cannot shut off my mind.
I go back and forth on my emotions towards God when it comes to Cale. Some days I am accepting of what either God has done or has allowed to happen. Some days I even feel at peace. Lately, though, all I have been feeling is anger. God healed many people while on this earth and performed many miracles. He created the mountains, the stars, and the seas. He did things we cannot even possibly fathom as human beings, which is why I'm left desperately wondering why He won't heal my son. My head knows the answer is because He has a plan that will ultimately bring Him the glory, but my heart is in turmoil. Why Cale? Why my family?
I hope this doesn't leave people doubting my love for my son. I honestly don't think I could love him any more if I tried. He's my little man and I think I love him more because of the life he's had to fight so hard for. I just want him to have the best life possible and it's hard for me to accept that this is it.
God can move mountains, I'm certain of that. So why won't He heal my son?
1 comment:
My heart is with you and your family. And I don't have answers, because sometimes God says 'No.' And even when you have to forgive Him for being God (as silly as it sounds), He'll still give you what you need to make it through. To not just survive, but to THRIVE in these circumstances. It's going to be okay... I don't know how, and I don't know what it looks like, but it will be okay.
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