Blessings and tears should not coexist

Yesterday, after months and months and months and months, AND MONTHS, of trying to get Cale approved for Medicaid under some special government waiver, we finally got the news that Cale officially is on Medicaid as of 03/01/2010.  PRAISE GOD!  Not only does this lift a GIGANTIC financial burden off of our already financially stressed lives, but it opens up hundreds of doors for the type of care Cale can receive that he couldn't receive before because of money.  The sky is the limit and I cannot wait to see how God uses this new "money" to help Cale reach his upmost potential.  An answer to prayer - AMEN!  I feel like nothing can stop our little man now.  Watch out world!  Here comes Cale!

This is obviously a huge blessing and yesterday when the Medicaid "committee" left our home I had to hold myself back from hugging each and every one of them, and when they finally closed our door behind them I burst into tears and buried my head into my husband's shoulder.  Tears of joy and amazement came flowing.

But now, 24 hours later, I find myself in a heap of sadness.  I HATE that Cale has to be under some governmental program because he's disabled.  I'm so sad for him and I feel terribly guilty because I'm even sad for myself.  The dream I had for this life is nothing like I had imagined it.  I would love to fill our house with more kids (okay, maybe just one more), but that just seems impossible with the kind of demands and time just one child takes.  Giving Cale the best is certainly not adding another brother or sister to his life that takes the time away from us that he desperately needs.  I hate watching how easy everything is for Riley.  Living is seemingly effortless for her and it takes Cale's best focus and determination to try and go up and down a slide on his own.  Kids run circles around him and it breaks my heart to see the disappointment in himself.  I just hate all of this, plain and simple.

 But I do love my Cale.  I'm surprised my heart can hold this much love.