I think the stress of trying to sell our home on a timeline, the demand to keep it sparkling clean, taking care of two very moment-to-moment earthly children 24/7, (who by the way do not understand my need to keep things clean), and watching Cale deal with the CRAP that was so unfairly given to him and me not being able to help in any way, shape or form, is making me lose my mind. Literally.
I have trouble focusing on little things, such as driving. My mind wanders to far away places and then all of a sudden I find myself pulling into our driveway without a memory of how I got there. Scary? Extremely. My desire to cook a nice and healthy meal for my family is hiding somewhere, probably in one of the boxes that we packed away into storage. Hopefully it returns when, and if, we settle down in our new home. Exercising - my main go-to for stress release and a cure-all for any bad attitude - has been far down on the list of things to do. I'm tired all the time. I go to bed AS SOON AS we put the kids down, which is usually somewhere between 9:00 and 9:30 and sometimes I don't get out of bed until 8:30 or 9:00, which is drastically different from my 4:45 alarm to get out of bed and get my butt to the gym. Even when I lay down to go to sleep, exhausted, I find myself laying there for at least two, maybe three hours, before I finally fall asleep. My mind is captive to what I need to be doing, what I could be doing better, and all of the worries and concerns I have about raising my kids. Even after sleeping nearly ten hours, I normally try and take a nap when the kids take a nap.
I find myself highly emotional, crying far more than I ever have over circumstances that may or may not warrant tears. Our home life is like walking on thin ice. I feel an overwhelming need to please my husband but ever since my attitude has shifted, that need to please has turned into resentment. I'm not sure if our attitude is effecting the kids' attitudes or if it's the other way around, but some nights it takes everything in us to just get through it and make it to bedtime. Survival is key right now.
I'm sure this post has made it seem as though I truly have lost my mind or that it may lead to assumptions that somehow my marriage is on the rocks. There may be a little truth to me losing my mind but thankfully my marriage is strong. Alex, though at times makes me want to pull out every last strand of my hair, is the best man in the world. I love him more than anything and thankfully he loves me back just the same. I'm trying to decide if this is just a season of life, having little kids, that makes a mom feel like she has no identity other than "mom". Is it worth it to get "dressed up" for an errand to Target or to a play group with friends, just to come home and take it off and put on my sweatpants - what I wished I could have been wearing the whole time? I walk by the shoe section of stores and dream about buying those three-inch, must-have, high heels. But then the reminder that I would have absolutely no where to wear them to creeps into my mind and puts a small frown on my face. Is this just a season of life?
Without a doubt, I experienced some level of post-partum depression after giving birth to Cale. Those were very traumatic and different experiences from what I'm dealing with now, but I wonder if a small amount of depression is present in my life? Or is what I'm feeling normal to every other stay-at-home mom out there?
I've definitely put myself out there in this post and perhaps I should have kept it secret in a journal, but there's something freeing about being truthful about who you are and what you're feeling to other people. I've tried hiding my emotions and even tried pretending as though they weren't there, and that leads to no good. I'm sure of that.
I go through times of desperate prayer, basically giving God an ultimatum, which I always realize is silly and I picture Him up in Heaven, looking down at me, and laughing. I go through very dry prayer which is basically giving God the two minutes I have before I fall fast asleep, and then there is the kind of prayer that makes me certain that when I wake up in the morning and go into Cale's bedroom to wake him up, I'll miraculously find him playing in his room and when he realizes I've opened his door, he'll look at me and say, "Geez, Mom! What took you so long?" And then he'll run out his door and down the stairs, grab a big box of Lucky Charms out of the pantry, swinging the refrigerator door open and lugging the gallon of milk up on the table, spilling it everywhere as he tries to get it in the bowl, and then chowing down at the breakfast table. For whatever reason, I'm never disappointed when I wake up and realize that my prayer has not been answered. I simply view it as "not yet".
God is capable of anything, therefore I know He is capable of changing my attitude. Positive energy - that's what I need. Here's to waiting...
2 comments:
Erica - You are totally normal. When my babies were young I also felt tired and lost track of time when I was driving. It is very common... hopefully other moms your age will post to reassure you that you are not alone. S T R E S S does mean things. I hope you can find some coping mechanisms to help you relax and find joy again.
Aw, Erica! My heart goes out to you. I don't have kids, so I can only imagine the toll it can take on your sanity. But I do know that I've seen my friends, and heard my mother talk about going through the same thing. It's another season of life. Luckily, you have a strong support system of family and friends to help you survive. Hang in there, Erica!
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