Sans Kids

I'm going to try and get through an entire post without mentioning my kids.  I love them dearly but as I periodically re-read through my blog I notice that ALL of my comments have to do with them.  I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with that but there is more to my life than just my offspring.  We'll see how I do...

So I have been trying to Christmas shop for Alex the past couple of weeks but I have had ZERO luck!  I even have the benefit of a LIST that he himself gave me, but for some reason my attempts have come back void.  Grr.  I tried to offer not doing Christmas for each other this year but apparently that idea wasn't taken with the same enthusiasm I shared for it.  He tried to tell me that even if I thought it was a good idea at the time that I would ultimately be disappointed on Christmas when there weren't any presents for me under the tree.  I'm not going to deny that as a possibility but it sure would cut down on the amount of work.  Is that un-American?  Besides, shopping with two kids is sometimes downright impossible! (whoops, mistake #1)

One of the things I enjoy most is working out.  After Cale was born (mistake #2) Alex and I got a membership to a gym and I probably went on an average of six days a week for nearly two years.  When I was pregnant with Riley (mistake #3) I tried to go everyday and by the time I was full-term, people started following me around just to make sure I wasn't inducing myself into labor. (trust me, near the end I tried many times!)  Working out does a few things for me; one, it just makes you feel good.  I usually go in the mornings and so I end up feeling refreshed for the rest of the day.  Two, it gives me a mini-break from my kids. (mistake #4)  I drop them off at the daycare and I have a full hour and a half to myself.  Bliss!!!  Well, I am embarrassed to admit that YESTERDAY was my first day back to the gym since Riley was born. (mistake #5)  It felt so good to sweat and get my heart rate back up!  Sounds a little gross but there's nothing quite like building up a good sweat.  I'm a little sore today but other than that I feel great.  Alex and I have made a promise to each other that we are going to start going to the gym during his lunch hour.  I went by myself on Wednesday because he had a lunch meeting but tomorrow is our first day going together!  I'm excited!

Well I should probably go rescue my daughter.  She's napping in her crib and I'm betting by the sound of her cry that she's rolled over onto her stomach and can't get back.  Ugh, it's so annoying - she loves to roll over but then gets so mad when she can't roll back.  I hope she learns to roll both ways soon because this new activity really interrupts her good mood. (mistake #6)

Six mentions of my kids isn't that bad, right?   Nah, I think I did pretty well. :)

What Are You Celebrating This Christmas???

I was asked by someone to poll three to five people on what they were celebrating this Christmas. As I thought about who I was going to ask I first thought that maybe I, myself, should answer the question.  What am I celebrating this Christmas?

Honestly, the first thing that comes to mind is FAMILY.  I have two kids and my youngest is going to experience Christmas for the first time.  I realize she won't remember a thing but at least we can show her pictures when she gets older.  My son also won't remember this Christmas but he's at the age when he can at least get involved with opening presents and getting excited about what's inside.  I love going to church on Christmas Eve - getting all dressed up and singing carols. I remember one particular Christmas Eve, after the service ended we walked outside and it was snowing like crazy!  You know, the really big snowflakes that fall slowly to the ground?  Ah, it was beautiful.  Ever since then that's the picture I get in my head when I think of Christmas Eve...that and a big mug of hot cocoa!  

Aside from family, I'm also celebrating answered prayer.  This past year has been full of challenges and victories.  When I think of where Cale was a year ago compared to where he is now, I can only contribute his progress to answered prayer.  He wasn't even able to sit up yet on his own and now he's close to walking.  Amazing!  He can eat more foods and eat them well.  He's able to communicate with us through sign language and gestures whereas this time last year it was just a guessing game...a very frustrating guessing game.  Again, answered prayer.  We also gave birth to a HEALTHY, BEAUTIFUL baby girl and this time last year, although she was only the size of a peanut and deep inside my belly, we could only hope for a full-term pregnancy and a smooth delivery...answered prayer!  My family is healthy and thriving and at the risk of sounding redundant, it's only because of God answering our prayers.  We are so blessed this Christmas season.

Ok, so I'm celebrating family and answered prayer but I can't really celebrate those things without including the Giver of everything I have to celebrate:  our Lord, Jesus Christ.  After all, it is His birthday that this season is all about.  He has been my ultimate provider - He's given me a wonderful husband and two beautiful children.  He's provided my husband with a thriving career that in turn has allowed me to stay home with my kids.  He's put a roof over my head and kept food on our table.  He's provided many coffees throughout my years which may sound trivial, but coffee brings me great enjoyment and for that I am thankful. :)  He's also provided me with WONDERFUL friends, all of whom have kept me sane when I could have easily spun off into a different galaxy.  Our support system in our little town of Missoula could not be more sound and for that I will forever be in debt.  My family could not have survived this last year without the incredible people in this town.  God has also provided all of the resources to get the help Cale needs - therapies, insurance, pediatric specialists, and most importantly the funds needed to afford the aforementioned things.  God has really taken special care of us throughout the year, and for that I will celebrate.  Also, my mother, father, and sister...it started out as just the four of us and although we have now married off and gone our separate ways, I still reflect on the Christmas traditions we created as a family and only hope my very own family can create meaningful traditions like the ones we used to share.  I'm so blessed to have a mother who is also my best friend, a father who to this day is my Knight in shining armor, and my sister who would still let me hang out with her and her friends if given the chance.  I still feel like the baby in the family whenever we all get together, even though I'm married now and have two kids, but in some ways that's the most comforting place to be.  The Lord could not have raised me up in a better family than the one I grew up in.  For that I will be eternally blessed.

So I leave you with this question:  What are YOU celebrating this Christmas season?

So things are a little better since my last post.  My grief goes in waves and so when I wrote that last one I must have been at the lowest spot on the wave. :)  

On Sunday we went to church as we usually do but this Sunday was a little different than most.  I have started going to a class that discusses the book, The Purpose of Christmas by Rick Warren.  It's my first Sunday School class and I think I'm really going to enjoy it. I get less and less excited for Christmas each passing year, mainly because it always involves more and more work, and so it'll be nice to be reminded of what Christmas is truly about.  Along with my new class, Cale is now eligible to attend the two's and three's Sunday school class.  This milestone is bittersweet for me because it means that one, he's getting older and growing out of my sweet baby boy and two, it's just another reminder of how different he is from his peers.  Alex volunteered to go with Cale to his class since he can't really do anything by himself.  The format of the class usually involves singing songs, sitting in a circle while someone teaches a story from the Bible, then some sort of craft followed by a snack.  Cale can sit and listen to the story but that's about it, or at least without any help.  

Poor Alex...I'm not sure he was emotionally ready to see Cale in a mix of normal developing kids his age.  I'm around Cale more often when he's around other kids and so I'm a little more used to it; it still hurts but I've developed a pretty thick skin, or so I think.  Alex said Cale did great - he walked in a circle with everyone while they sang a song, he sat quietly and listened to the story, tried to eat his goldfish and water with everyone else at the table, and even managed to scribble a streak of blue crayon on the craft Christmas ornament.  Alex, on the other hand, was reminded in a huge way of how different Cale is from his peers.  Although the other kids were not mean to Cale, they certainly noticed his differences and asked questions of why he is the way he is.  It sounds like Alex handled all of the questions magnificently but even I would have had a hard time being in that situation.  I know as Cale gets older the questions will come more and more often but I suppose we'll just cross that bridge when we get there.  

You can bet one thing is for sure, though - the Christmas ornament that Cale made is going to be front and center on our tree.  I've never been so proud of a scribbled streak of blue crayon.  

Hills and Valleys, Highs and Lows

If you have been keeping up with my blog, you might remember a former post about my emotional highs and lows in regards to Cale.  At that particular time I was on a "high" - Cale was making great progress and had the attitude of an angel!  I was in good spirits and had faith that Cale could conquer the world!  Well, I have inevitably hit my low.  I am so discouraged and sitting in my "poor me" pool.  I don't like to feel this way and hate myself for it.  When things are good they are REALLY good, but when things are bad they are REALLY bad.  I'm sure all parents feel this way but right now I feel very alone.

Cale has been refusing to eat the past couple of days which is probably the most stressful thing he can do.  His speech therapist thought he was making great progress but it now feels like we are back at square one.  He had breakfast yesterday but refused to eat anything after that.  He's an absolute crab since he's so hungry but yet he won't eat.  I wish I knew what was going through that little mind of his!  We are trying to get him to eat more solid foods so that his main nutrition doesn't have to come from the Pediasure he drinks.  I've made him every food under the sun in hopes that he will take a liking to it but no such luck.  I've wasted a lot of time and a lot of money.  The funny thing is I would spend all day in the kitchen if it meant he was eating something.  

His physical therapist told me she definitely things walking will happen for him but it might take him as long as three more years to master it.  He'll be five by then.  I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to take a five year old places when he can't walk.  I just want him to be able to run around and play with all of the other kids.  Right now he just watches and it breaks my heart.  

Being a parent is hard enough but having to be a parent to a child with special needs has challenged me in ways I never thought possible.  Some days I think it's amazing I even get through them.  I hate when my mind wanders to the fact that our time on earth is only temporary, and some day I will be in heaven where there is no pain and there are no tears.   I want to be able to enjoy life, each and EVERY day, not just the good days.  That is my prayer.

Some days I wonder if the sun will ever come out from behind the clouds.

Love Hurts

Have you ever loved anyone so much it hurt?  Okay, so that question is kind of cliche but I've found myself literally hurting over how much I love my family.  Sometimes I look at my kids and become so overwhelmed with love that I start to cry.  I'm not sure why I cry because I honestly don't think I'm THAT emotional of a person, but the tears just come whether I want them to or not.  

I remember a time when I thought I never wanted kids.  I wanted to be a career wife and have all the time and money to do whatever I wanted with my husband.  I wanted to travel, live in a big city in a high-rise apartment, and go see broadway shows on Friday nights.  I admit, there are days when my mind wanders to that time and dreams of that again, but my life here in Missoula with my husband and two kids is exactly where I want to be.  You hear people say you'll never a experience the kind of love you have for your children until you actually have them, and it's every bit true!  I don't know what I would do if anything ever happened to them.  They are what makes my world go 'round.  

And then there's my hubby.  I'm not quite sure what I did to deserve him.  There really are no words to describe the love I have for him or what he means to me.  I guess the best way to put it is that he strives to love me the way Christ loves His church, and when it comes down to it, there is no greater love than that.  I'm pretty darn lucky because I know I'm not deserving of that kind of love, but for whatever reason he does it anyway.  I'm not sure if I believe that there is just one person out there for people, but I know there is nobody out there better suited for me than Alex.  

I hope none of you are rushing to the bathroom ready to throw up all the mushiness I just fed you.  I really didn't intend to sound like a Hallmark card...

Being a mom and reflecting on how much my own parents love me, it makes me kind of embarrassed of how I treated them when I was younger.  Everything they ever did was only because they loved me and it makes me sick to my stomach to think how much I must have hurt them by going through my rebellious stage.  If my kids ever do that...!!!!!  Thank goodness I have a few more years before all of that.

Family truly is a gift from God and I am so thankful for the one I have.  

50th Percentile!

A big sigh of relief, at last!  

Ever since Riley was born I've heard nothing but "she's so small!"  Truth be told, she was only six and a half pounds at birth and so I suppose that's a little smaller than the average newborn but certainly still within the healthy spectrum.  I'm very sensitive about her size and so when people make comments about her being small or crack jokes about me not feeding her, I get a little offended and depending on the delivery of each comment, my feelings get hurt.  Perhaps it's because I just want things to be the cut-and-dry definition of "normal" with her and when something stands out as "not normal" I start down my spiral of worry. 

Well today was her four-month checkup and her weight and head size were both in the 50th percentile and her length was in the 75th percentile.  Completely normal!  Ha, now I can start telling people that when they make comments about her being small.  She also got her shots today and oddly enough, she got real red and made the crying face but no sound came out.  Once they were done poking her she acted as if nothing had happened.  I was sure we were in for a wailing child since that's what her big brother always does when he gets his shots.  So far today she's been a little crabby and won't really sleep for longer than twenty minutes at a time but hopefully that just means she'll sleep well tonight. :)

I am so relieved to know that Riley is "average".  She's doing everything she's supposed to be doing and when I asked our pediatrician if she saw any signs of her being like Cale, she looked at me like I had ten heads and said, "Erica, she's the most normal baby I've ever seen..."  Ah, music to my ears.

Cale's Birthday!!!

Saturday was Cale's 2nd birthday...it's amazing how fast two years go by.  We initially were not going to have a party for him (I know, I know - cruel, right?) but birthdays are kind of emotional for us since it's just ANOTHER reminder of how different he is from other kids his age.  BUT, we buckled under the pressure and went above and beyond our hopes for it.  We rented a huge inflatable slide and had his party up at our church.  Cale is in love with slides and even though it was rather expensive, seeing his smile and hearing him giggle was worth EVERY penny!  Alex was a good sport and spent almost the entire two hours taking him down it again and again and again....

My mom and sister drove up and were a huge help in helping organize everything.  I usually try and go over the top when it comes to hosting events but this time I decided to make everything as simple as possible: Papa Murphy's pizza, chips and dip, water, a homemade cake, and balloons.  Pretty simple, right?  The church had a kitchen and every appliance you could possibly need and so we pretty much had everything at our disposal.  The pizzas were the ones you bake yourself and since the church had two ovens we decided to bake them there.  Three adults were in charge of watching the timers...THREE!  That's plenty, right?  Well, we all got so wrapped up in watching the kids go down the slide that we completely forgot about the pizzas.  NOTE: pizzas do not need to cook for 45 minutes.  That's the last time I try and do something simple.  All in all, though, I think everyone had a good time.  I know Cale did and I guess that's all that matters.  

Even though Cale's two and not doing what most two-year olds can do, a nice man reminded me that it's quite amazing how far he's come in the two years he's been with us.  I remember his first birthday and thinking he would NEVER be able to sit up on his own.  Now, although he's not walking yet, I don't set any limits for him because he has proven to me and to everyone that he is capable of overcoming any obstacle set in front of him.  From the day he was only three pounds and fighting for his life, he has continued to fight for everything he can now do to this day. I don't see that stopping anytime soon.  The sky is the limit for my little guy!

Having to dream new dreams is actually a blessing for me - I've been able to dream things for him that I would have never dreamed before.