Blessings and tears should not coexist

Yesterday, after months and months and months and months, AND MONTHS, of trying to get Cale approved for Medicaid under some special government waiver, we finally got the news that Cale officially is on Medicaid as of 03/01/2010.  PRAISE GOD!  Not only does this lift a GIGANTIC financial burden off of our already financially stressed lives, but it opens up hundreds of doors for the type of care Cale can receive that he couldn't receive before because of money.  The sky is the limit and I cannot wait to see how God uses this new "money" to help Cale reach his upmost potential.  An answer to prayer - AMEN!  I feel like nothing can stop our little man now.  Watch out world!  Here comes Cale!

This is obviously a huge blessing and yesterday when the Medicaid "committee" left our home I had to hold myself back from hugging each and every one of them, and when they finally closed our door behind them I burst into tears and buried my head into my husband's shoulder.  Tears of joy and amazement came flowing.

But now, 24 hours later, I find myself in a heap of sadness.  I HATE that Cale has to be under some governmental program because he's disabled.  I'm so sad for him and I feel terribly guilty because I'm even sad for myself.  The dream I had for this life is nothing like I had imagined it.  I would love to fill our house with more kids (okay, maybe just one more), but that just seems impossible with the kind of demands and time just one child takes.  Giving Cale the best is certainly not adding another brother or sister to his life that takes the time away from us that he desperately needs.  I hate watching how easy everything is for Riley.  Living is seemingly effortless for her and it takes Cale's best focus and determination to try and go up and down a slide on his own.  Kids run circles around him and it breaks my heart to see the disappointment in himself.  I just hate all of this, plain and simple.

 But I do love my Cale.  I'm surprised my heart can hold this much love.

Thank goodness for bunnies!

Praise the good Lord above for the new bunnies He brought to the pet store in the mall!

Seriously.

For the last month Cale has asked to go see the dogs at the mall nearly every day, but what he really means when he asks for the dogs is that he wants to see the bunnies.  Perhaps with Easter just around the corner the bunny supply has been low and there haven't been any bunnies for the last month.  Cale points to the bunny display area and very sweetly does his sign for "bunny", and when I tell him there are no bunnies he gets that infamous frown on his face and makes me lift up the little bunny "house" to prove to him that there are indeed no bunnies.  He doesn't throw a fit, he doesn't cry, but he frowns and keeps his sign for "bunny" up in the air for everyone to see until we are completely out of the mall and  sometimes even the entire car ride home.

But last night when Cale asked to go see the dogs we were ecstatic to see that there were four new bunnies for him to ooh and aah over!!!  He was so happy and kept his nose smashed up against the glass until the bunnies were no longer exciting and he realized there were fish and turtles to still be seen.  Who knew a bunny could make a kid so happy.  Maybe that means when it's time to get his picture taken with Easter Bunny he won't be freaked out.  Here's hoping.

I love how the littlest of things can bring so much joy to his life.

Mission Impossible

There is a big difference between keeping your house clean and keeping it "open house" clean. I'm naturally a clean person, largely due to my mother who would call my room a pig sty if I had one lonely sock laying helplessly on my bedroom floor, but constantly mopping floors, scrubbing sink basins, and rotating loads of laundry is exhausting my inner need to be clean. Add into the mix two incredibly messy toddlers and you have what I like to call a "mission impossible". Please pray that our house sells soon so that I don't become clinically insane.

On Sunday I turned 26 years old. Alex's birthday is only a few weeks before mine and since I was in Seattle on his birthday, we decided to celebrate jointly by having our friends over to our house for dinner. Four adults and four children equated to a fabulous chaotic and fun time. I got some really nice headphones for the gym and also a new lens for my camera! It's supposed to be 60 degrees today and so I think I'll take the kids somewhere outside to test it!

My mom is coming to visit later today. Thank goodness for moms! I'm looking forward to having someone to play with during the day while Alex is at work. I'm not sure what we'll do but I'm positive her time here will include some shopping and good meals! Hooray!

I'm itching for spring to be here for good and although today is forecasted to be absolutely gorgeous, I'm preparing myself for at least a few more cold snaps and probably another big snow. Blah. I'm ready to play outside!

Hopefully I can capture some good photos today and have them up on facebook by tomorrow. The last few times I've tried taking pictures of Riley she's thrown a fit and told me "no". Cross your fingers!

happenings...

Wow, where do I begin? The last several weeks have been crazy, to say the least. We ventured to Cabo sans kids, put a 'For Sale' sign in our yard, and toured the Pacific North-West hospitals with Cale. I will try and sum up the above in the least amount of words possible. First up, Cabo!

Glorious Cabo. Six days and seven nights of pure bliss. Even though leaving the kids was complete torture and I cried like a baby, it was 100% worth it and I would do it again tomorrow in a heartbeat! I love my kids, obviously, but spending that time with my husband in such a beautiful place was like getting a second honeymoon! A honeymoon with our best friends, however. Not that you would ever bring along your best friends with you on your honeymoon but you catch my drift. We went with Thaiv and Crystal Armerding, who also left behind their two little ones, and they were the perfect traveling companions. I can't speak for them, but we never once got annoyed or irritated with their company. We spent our days lounging by the pool, zip-lining and rock climbing, playing beach AND pool volleyball, and just pretending to be kids again without the responsibilities looming back at home. It was a PERFECT way to spend a vacation! I can't wait for the next one. :)

We decided, rather quickly and unexpectedly, to sell our house. One day we were perfectly content in our home and the next day we were pounding a 'For Sale' sign in our yard. A God-given opportunity was given to us and now we find ourselves in the stressful and chaotic position of trying to sell a house in today's rough economy. I've found it nearly impossible to keep my house "open house" clean day in and day out and the stress of finding crumbs on my floor is about to put me over the edge. Two little kids who are constantly into anything and everything basically makes me a human vacuum as I chase after them. The God-given opportunity that was given to us is the chance to purchase a home in an incredible, clean, established neighborhood. This house has more than double the space we currently have and it has a view overlooking the city that just screams God's greatness! Missoula is truly a beautiful place. It's in the school district of an elementary school that is supposed to be THE BEST for children with special needs and I want so badly for Cale to go there. The school and our church are within walking distance and if you stretch it a bit so is Alex's office and our gym. It really would be the perfect house for our family. We signed a buy-sell agreement a few weeks ago contingent upon the sale of our house. We've had two open houses so far which has attracted a fair amount of traffic and a few people who have come through on their own. Please PRAY that our house will sell soon!

On a completely different note, Cale and I took to the skies and flew to Spokane and Seattle to see a neurologist and a gastroenterologist. The reason behind seeing the neurologist in Spokane was to either confirm or rule out the possibility of Cale having seizures. (I believe I posted about this awhile back) After having to see my baby's connected by hundreds of wires, the final word came back that Cale is NOT having seizures! Wahoo! We flew from Spokane to Seattle and saw the GI doctor, however this appointment was a complete waste of our time and money. Alex is going back in May with both kids and I will explain in a minute why I won't be there. Traveling with Cale, alone, was a bit frightening. First off, I LOATHE airplanes. I cry when I walk through security because I realize then that there's no turning back. I cry when the airplane starts to taxi and then when it finally reaches the runway. Taking off is the absolute worst. Tears are definitely flowing by then. This time, however, I was completely calm. I don't know if it was because I had to focus so much on Cale that I didn't have the time to focus on my own fears but I made it through all of my flights without one single panic attack. Success! I did however, not like having to sit through those doctor's appointments without Alex there for support. I hate that we have to take Cale to all of these specialists and I hate that, for the most part, no one wants to try and help him as much as we do. Sitting in those offices while I tell the doctor everything that is wrong with my child is absolutely heartbreaking and at times impossible. Doctors don't ever seem to catch on to the emotional side of these appointments. Oh well, we're doing the best we can for Cale and I suppose that's all that matters at the end of the day.

Oh, and why I won't be going with Alex when he goes back to Seattle in May is because I am lucky enough to be able to take a girls only trip with my mom and sister! Oh my goodness, we have talked about doing this for years but nothing has ever come to fruition. This time, though, we've taken the mindset of "Go big or go home!". Obviously, this trip wouldn't be chosen by everyone, but for me it's a mini-dream coming true! The last day of April I will fly to Seattle and then on to Los Angeles, CA to spend four days with my best girl friends! We are going to an episode of "ellen" (whom I just think is the funniest person on the planet) and then to disneyland one of the days. Thanks to my dad, who hooked us up with the "ellen" tickets, he also is hooking us up with a tour of the Warner Bros Studios lot! Again, I realize this may sound lame to you but it is so exciting for me! :) I guess this makes me a nerd but I already knew that about myself anyway.

So that's what's been going on lately in my life. I must apologize for my seemed disappearance off the face of the earth but I am indeed still here and will hopefully be better about blogging since we are, for the most part, settled back in.

Here comes the comic relief!

Comic relief: that is the best way for me to explain the personality of my dear, sweet baby girl. Cale brings a certain amount of seriousness to our lives and although he is incredibly sweet and can even bring on bouts of belly laughter, he is sure to sprout grey hairs upon my head far sooner than I would like. Riley, however, is just plain hilarious. Watching her grow has been one of the best experiences of my life and I literally look forward to each and every day with her. (well, most of the time)

She is coming up on nineteen months of age and I already cannot remember life when she was not with us; it feels like she's been a part of our family since the beginning of time. I remember fretting and obsessing over when and if she was reaching her milestones at the appropriate age but now I have let go of those worries and come to realize that she is completely normal - whatever that means. She has let me experience what raising a typical developing child is like and for that I am so grateful. Watching her move and learn how to do things on her own has engrained in my mind even more how genius God is to make us the way He does. Amazing, simply amazing.

Riley loves almost anything that requires her to move. She is always on the go and I swear if she didn't eat as much as she does she would be as thin as a toothpick. She likes to run, dance, and is just now experimenting with how to jump. Running back and forth on the couch will entertain her for hours. She is mastering her voice and learning to form words. She will repeat almost anything I ask her to but sometimes it comes out in a completely different language. Alex and I put a small amount of effort into teaching her sign language when she was about six months old but didn't push her too much. Now, however, she communicates more through sign language than actual words and Cale has been her biggest teacher. She watches him intently and mimics his interpretations of signs. It's incredibly cute and I'm thankful she's picked up on it so that she can better communicate with him later on down the road. She is the best little sister I could ever dream up for him. She knows how far she can go when wrestling with him and is, for the most part, very gentle. She shows incredible patience for a toddler who thinks the world belongs to her. She loves to be the center of attention and is most content when she knows all eyes are on her. Alex and I, however, do nothing to cut down her ego and are completely smitten.

Riley is quickly becoming a little girl and it's hard to believe it has been almost two years since we brought her home. I remember feeling so overwhelmed and as if life would never be "easy" again, but now I can honestly say she has only brought joy and love to our lives. I love having a daughter and dressing her up and doing her hair. I also love the fact that just like Cale is an exact replica of Alex, Riley is a true mini-me. For once people can safely assume she belongs to me. :)

Serious with a side of comic relief

I promised I would write something more positive and uplifting and so here is me keeping with my promise!

Cale and Riley...Riley and Cale. Those two little bundles of joy have a way of making my life miserable and delightful all at the same time. I mean that in the best way of course. Each have their own and very different personality, both which just upon thinking of them bring a huge smile to my face. I cannot even begin to fathom my life without my two kids...how boring it would be.

I'll start with my little man. Cale is definitely the more serious of the two. He certainly has his silly moments and can always enjoy a good laugh, but I can almost guarantee that years from now he will be the one who dreams up some new techno gadget. He will do almost anything to get his hands on a cell phone, computer, iPod, wires, the vacuum cleaner, zippers, the TV, and pretty much any kind of button that screams out his name. He will play with a normal kid toy if worst comes to worst but his preference is definitely all things "not suitable for children". He is obsessed with how things work and will not give up until he sees it for himself. For example, last summer Alex was repairing one of our sprinkler heads in our front lawn and once Cale saw him pull it up from the ground, it was love at first sight. He NEEDED to get his hands on that sprinkler head and see for himself how it sprung up and down, twisted and turned. Life could not go on until that happened. Another example, most kids love flashlights because they can shine the light wherever they please. Not Cale. He loves flashlights because you can turn the bottom and see where the batteries go. Cale also loves train sets but not because it's fun to watch the train go 'round and 'round the track. He loves trains because it's fun to see how the pieces of track fit together. I used to get irritated that he wouldn't play with toys in the way they were intended but now I think I'm on my way to just embracing it and hoping that maybe one day he's the one to find the cure for cancer.

Cale is also becoming a champion at independent walking. He's even started to think about navigating steps on his own! We're not quite at that level but the fact that he's getting brave enough to try is a huge accomplishment. He's getting faster and sturdier and just last night he was romping around the gym floor at our church with a full-size basketball in his hands. Now that's what I call coordination! Walking has given him more confidence to play with other kids and it is amazing to see him right there with all the others.

I know most kids have this label but I like to think that Cale is the best: he is a SPONGE! Sometimes I think he is learning signs faster than I am! I'm not sure how many signs he has but he has enough to effectively communicate most of his needs. He knows the signs for all of his colors and even though I think he's a bit color blind like his daddy, he knows all of his colors, too! He can tell me how old he is by using his other hand to hold down two of his fingers so that only three stand up. He is quickly mastering his vowel sounds which hopefully means he will be able to say actual words soon. Right now he can say "dada" and "poppa" and although I wish "momma" was somewhere in there, I'm so proud of him. He loves school and very half-heartedly gives me a wave good-bye when I drop him off. I'm pretty sure if he could talk he would be rubbing in the fact that he gets to go to school and Riley doesn't.

I love Cale so much but the thing I think I love most about him is his sensitivity. Not that this ever happens, but if Alex and I are arguing Cale gets extremely upset and starts to cry, which means that Alex and I can never argue for too long. I like to think of Cale as our mediator. If Riley is upset and crying, Cale is the first one to find her favorite blanket and bring it to her. If Cale ever sees that I'm crying he will come over and give me a big hug. He loves to give kisses whenever asked and if he's in the right mood, he'll even scratch your back for you. He hates conflict and so if he's playing with a toy and Riley is crying because she wants it, he doesn't hesitate for a second to give it to her. (which by the way is doing nothing to help Riley learn that she can't have whatever she wants) His personality is so sweet...

I could go on and on about Cale but I suppose I should leave it at that. I meant to include Riley in this post but I guess I'll save her for another one. For all the worry and stress that Cale's disability has brought to my life, the love and joy he brings trumps it all. What I wouldn't do for my little man...

"Buildings"

Every time I go to say or write the city of "Billings", it takes everything in me not to write or say "buildings" instead. Long story short, Alex's little brother always called it that when he was younger. It cracks me up for some weird reason.

Billings is where I was for over a week after just returning home this Monday. We left on a Sunday, spent seven delightful days with my family, and after staying to root the New Orleans Saints on in the Super Bowl we decided it best to head home and return to the daily grind of life. It was so refreshing to get a change in scenery and have the support from my mom, dad, and sister right in front of me. Alex obviously had to stay here in Missoula and so it was just me and the kiddos. My dad was able to take Monday off, conveniently after Billings received a huge dump of snow, and so it was fun to bundle the kids up and take them outside. Cale was fine as long as "Poppie" was carrying him up on his shoulders and Riley was content as long as she felt like she was helping shovel. I thought they would be thrilled to jump into the snow and throw up in the air but they wanted nothing to do with any of that. It could have been because they were both too bundled up to even move, but we'll just leave that up to speculation.

I needed that week with my parents. Daily life with Cale seems to be getting harder and harder, both emotionally and physically, and although Alex is my rock and the person I go to with everything, he can't be my support when he, too, is hurting in the same way. I think it was nice for him to have a whole week with the house all to himself, not having to be directly involved caregiving for Cale. As for me, my mom always has a way of lifting my spirits and knowing exactly what I need before I do. She makes me laugh and let's just be honest, shopping is way more fun when it's with my mom! My dad has a way of lifting my spirits, too. He has a way of silently letting me know that he loves me more than anything and that he would do anything to make life easier for me. The week was relaxed and filled with incredible food, a little retail therapy, and lots and lots of love and laughter; exactly what I needed after receiving news about Cale and the possibility of him having seizures.

But now we are home and life has continued on just as I had left it. Laundry needs to be folded, bathrooms probably need to be cleaned, Cale returned to school and all of his weekly therapies, and I remain in no better condition than when I left. Things with Cale are still hard and it is, at times, a minute-by-minute struggle to maintain focus and patience.

On a good note, I have the appointments for Cale scheduled in Spokane and Seattle. He will be seen by a neurologist on March 5th in Spokane and then by a gastroenterologist on March 8th in Seattle. At least now I feel like we're doing something instead of just sitting around and watching. For some reason I have high hopes for these two trips. We've seen enough specialists and doctors that I should know better than to get my hopes up because time and time again we leave disappointed and knowing nothing different than when we first came. I feel different this time, though. I feel like we might actually get some answers as to why Cale is having such a difficult time swallowing, eating, and then keeping it in his stomach once it goes down.

My last few posts have been kind of downers but I promise to update you all on something positive next time. :) Both of my kids are growing like crazy and I have so many updates to what they're up to these days.

In the meantime, I hope those who read my blog are doing well. Is anyone else sick of winter and ready for SUN?