Wahoo for the weekend!!!

Thank goodness for Friday! With Alex being gone this week and just getting back yesterday, I am more than ready to embrace this weekend with outstretched arms! The weather is gorgeous and I think it's supposed to remain this way for the next couple of days. I see many visits to the park in our future.

One thing we hope to accomplish this weekend is to purchase a new bed. Let me give you some background information that led us to making this decision. We are currently sleeping on a "full" bed with a mattress that I've had since high school. The headboard is a hand-me-down from Alex's little brother, Ben, that he so thoughtfully spray painted black. The frame to our bed is probably over twenty years old and is to the point now where I don't think I would even consider it a frame. Alex and I both knew about this situation when we got married and being the love birds that we were, we happily embraced the opportunity we saw in having to sleep so close to one another. Now, however, we toss and turn all night long desperately trying to get comfortable. The sheets get tangled at our feet, the comforter falls to one side, elbows are flailing, feet are kicking, and just when we start to think it can't possibly get any worse, a sound that I can only describe as a "BOOOOONNGGGGG" loudly trumpets from underneath our bed. I have no idea what is making that sound but at this point, it's enough for me to spend whatever amount of money it takes to give us a good night's rest. We are on a mission and neither one of us is ready to back down until we find the perfect bed. Enough is enough.

In other news, we also hope to get our backyard summer-ready. I love our backyard and deck and since during the summer we eat almost every meal outside, it's definitely time to get the weeds pulled and the plants and flowers planted. I just finished washing all of the windows and doors, inside and out, and so now all that needs tending to is the yard. Hopefully the weather cooperates.

Alex and I are still going back and forth on replacing the flooring in our house. We want to do hardwood throughout the downstairs and then replace the carpet upstairs, but since our moving date has been pushed back about a year, we are wondering if we should wait on doing these upgrades until we're a little closer to moving. I personally think we should do it now because I think new flooring will make living here for another year more enjoyable. I love our house as it is but pretty hardwood and plush carpet would make me love it even more! :)

I hope everyone has a relaxing and enjoyable Memorial Day weekend!!!

WOF Conference

W.O.W.

That's how I would describe the Women of Faith conference that I attended last weekend in Billings. I wasn't quite sure what I was expecting but it definitely surpassed any and all expectations I had. We heard from many amazing speakers, most of which brought me to tears with their stories, and the worship music was phenomenal!!! I especially enjoyed being able to spend that time with my mom, sister, and mother-in-law. I'm not quite sure if I have ever been in the company of so many women at one time in one place. It was definitely an estrogen fest.

I took away many things from what I heard but I think the main thing I will hold onto is God's plan for my life and for the lives of my family. For whatever reason God has for giving me a child like Cale is all in preparation of delivering a "Grand New Day" for us. I've known this in my head since the very beginning but I felt like this weekend helped me to accept it into my heart. God's plans are perfect and He does not make mistakes. Cale was not a mistake. Even though doctors explain Cale by telling us that something just didn't connect right in the womb, God actually made each connection to His liking and His perfection. I truly believe we are at the start of something amazing. I'm still sad and I'm sure I'll get angry from time to time, but I can rest in the promise that God is with me and each circumstance He puts in my life is ultimately part of His perfect plan.

Okay, enough of that. Alex is out of town for a few days and let me tell you, when he is away I am reminded of how incredibly blessed I am to have a partner to help me raise our children. I have a tremendous amount of respect for single moms and to be honest, I have no idea how they do it. How do you do it???!!! Alex gets home Thursday night and I cannot wait!

Ahhhhh, kids are napping and I think it's now time for me to take a nap. zzzzzzzz

Updates!

Life has been busy busy busy lately. I'm not exactly sure what we've been doing but for whatever reason I feel like each time I'm able to plop down on the couch deserves a sigh of great relief!

Alex's mom from Washington came to visit us last weekend. Cale loves his grandma and it was quite evident when Monday came and Grandma was no longer around to play with. Can we say "cranky"? Thankfully today has been better but yesterday was definitely a test for my patience. I had a nice Mother's Day despite the fact that we didn't really do anything special. Alex's mom left Sunday afternoon and then we went up to Alex's other set of parents' house for a nice dinner. Cale and Riley got to a ride around in the wagon, stopping at the swing set and a brief look at the horses. At one point one of the horses was sticking out it's tongue and Cale quickly imitated it by sticking out his. I wish I would have had the camera ready; it would have made a great photo!

We finally buckled down and got Cale set up for occupational therapy. It's been one of those things lurking in the back of my mind for quite some time, but the thought of adding yet another therapy session into our week made me sick to my stomach. On one hand, we want to do absolutely everything and anything to help Cale reach his potential, but on the other hand I just want Cale to be able to be a kid. I feel like he's never really able to simply "play" - there's always an agenda of what we need to be working on. We already have therapy three days a week and adding occupational therapy will increase that to four days. We had our first session today and so far I feel like it's going to be manageable...I'll keep my fingers crossed!

I feel like I haven't updated you all on Riley! We truly do love our little drama queen and my lack of writing about her is in no way any reflection on the priority she has in our lives, but Riley is so "typical" and doesn't really spark any desire to comment on her daily activities. She's basically doing everything a ten month-old baby should be doing. She eats absolutely anything in sight, including paper, grass, leaves, etc.. Nothing is off limits in her mind. :) She's crawling everywhere and cruising along any piece of furniture she can pull herself up on. She LOVES her brother and despite the fact that he doesn't always reciprocate that love, she enjoys crawling on him, pulling his hair, laying on him, sticking her fingers in his mouth, ears, and nose. They are quite entertaining to watch and every time I see them interacting I am so thankful God gave Cale a sibling. She is so good for Cale and we have already seen many ways in which she is pulling him along. Riley will one day be so proud to know that she is helping her brother without even knowing it. Riley has also found her voice and pretty much does not stop babbling all day long. She says "mama" and "dada" and has mastered the art of happily squealing. She has started to stand on her own for a few seconds at a time but has yet to show any desire to walk on her own. She loves walking with her push-toy but plops down on her little butt the second you try to take it away. It won't be long...

In other news, Cale has been consistently taking about two to three steps independently!!! It is almost surreal to watch since we've literally been waiting for this for over a year now. I'm so proud of him and even if he's never able to fully walk on his own, I will never forget all of the hard work he's accomplished to get to this point.

My mother-in-law and I are driving to Billings at the end of the week to attend the Women of Faith conference. We are going with my mom, aunt, and sister and I am ecstatic!!! I've heard wonderful things about these conferences and since I'm not able to spend a lot of time with just my mom and sister, it will be so wonderful to share this experience with them. Not to mention the two whole days I will be without a child attached to my hip!!! :) Yes!

I will update you on how the conference goes. I'm sure it will be amazing!

God is Good...ALL THE TIME!

This past weekend was quite possibly the worst couple of days I have ever experienced. It ranks right up there with that crisp April day two years ago when Cale was diagnosed with cerebral palsy. Yes, it was indeed that bad. Perhaps April is just not a good month.

Last Thursday I started to notice that Cale wasn't moving around like he usually does. He was slow, weak, and most often would just choose not to move and scream bloody murder instead. He normally crawls all over the place, getting into things he shouldn't be getting into, following his sister wherever she goes, and if nothing else motivates him to move it's a sure bet the offer to read him a book will kick him into high gear. When asked to go and pick out a book, he screamed and screamed...never moving an inch. I panicked.

All of the doctors and therapists we've seen have always been pleased with the fact that Cale continues to progress, albeit slower than normal, he continues to make gains. They always warn Alex and me to take note if he ever loses a skill, and that that would be a sign of concern and to take him to his pediatrician immediately. We watched him closely Thursday night and decided to give it another day to take him in. Friday started out much of the same; he would try to move but would quickly give up and just scream for hours. Finally during lunch, I put him next to a chair and he just slumped over and appeared to not even have the strength to sit up. Through panicked and scared tears, I called his pediatrician and she told us to come in right away.

I remember like it was just yesterday the day we drove to his doctor two years ago. I had a bad feeling about the appointment and so I made a CD full of worship songs, just in case I needed them after we were done. After she had given us the diagnosis, I walked back to the car with my baby boy in my arms, wishing our lives here on earth would be over soon so that we could be in Heaven together. I didn't want to experience the pain that, I thought, was only left for us here on earth. I didn't necessarily want to die but I certainly didn't want to live. Driving to the doctors office this time was much of the same. I tuned the radio to the local Christian station and bawled the entire drive. I was scared, hopeless, and angry with God for allowing yet another terrible situation to effect our family. I walked up the flight of stairs, holding Cale, ready to face the next defining moment that would effect the rest of our lives.

Thankfully, his doctor wasn't ready to diagnose him with the sort of digression I thought he was experiencing. She gave a couple of scenarios and told us to give it through the weekend before we brought him in again. Even though she didn't deliver bad news, I was cautious to believe that we were in the clear. I was still scared, still angry, and playing through all the horrible situations I could think of in my head. Watching and waiting all weekend was going to be torture.

Saturday was probably the worst of the two days. Alex and I were both so scared and couldn't find a way to make peace in our home. We were both angry at God, scared for our little boy whom we loved so much, and uncertain how to deal with the emotions we were feeling. The tension in our home was almost too unbearable to deal with. We spent the day doing everything we could think of to get Cale to move and all of our efforts were met with complete and utter disappointment. I remember putting Cale to bed that night and laying down with my son, tears running down my face while I put my hand on his little head, pleading and praying for God to heal him.

Sunday morning came and Cale still didn't show any signs of being able to move. We got ready for church as usual and I remember driving and telling Alex I wish I had water-proof mascara. I knew the water-works were coming soon. Ironically, our pastor delivered an amazing sermon on suffering. My family was suffering and it was so refreshing to be reminded of God's plan for suffering. I was still angry, though, and not ready to praise God for what He was doing in our lives. I could make sense of God doing something to me, like allowing me to get cancer or something like that, but I just couldn't wrap my mind around why He would allow something so terrible to happen to my little boy. He is so innocent and yet already having to deal with more than I probably have in my entire life. "It's just not fair", is what I thought.

Monday we drove to Helena for an orthopedic appointment that we had scheduled for Cale even before this all started happening. The appointment went surprisingly well, although I was almost hoping for her to see something that was preventing Cale from being able to move around like he once had been able to. His bones looked great, though, and she thought Cale would one day walk even though she couldn't be 100% certain. That was good news - Praise the Lord for good news! We got home and Cale actually started to crawl a little bit. He was admittedly weak and wouldn't go far but at least he was moving! We went about the rest of our night as usual and after we got the kids in their pajamas and ready for bed, we decided to stretch Cale and play the "ping-pong" game, which is just when Alex and I sit about four feet apart and help Cale walk to and from us. Note: he has NEVER taken an independent step while doing this. After about three our four passes between us, Cale miraculously took one step all on his own! Alex and I clapped and screamed and acted like complete idiots, but considering the last few days this was, by far, way more than we could have ever hoped for. Cale was so proud of himself, laughing and giggling during each pass between us. We probably did this for a solid forty-five minutes, keeping the kids way up past their bed time, but we just could not get enough of watching Cale take his very first steps all on his own. He took about ten steps throughout the forty-five minutes we were doing this, at most two at a time, and after we finally put him to bed I had to stay up for at least another hour just to have the adrenaline leave my body.

There are two things I have learned from the last four days. 1. I admit that I am often sad when I think of everything Cale can't do. He can't run around and play like the other kids his age do, but after going through the scare of him possibly not being able to move at all made me incredibly thankful for all that Cale CAN do. He can do a lot and I need to remember we are blessed for his abilities and that things could be a lot worse. 2. God is good...ALL THE TIME. Even though I don't understand the way He works or why He allows the things to happen that He does, His plan is good. He loves Cale more than I do, which is impossible to wrap my mind around, and He is going to use Cale in a way that blows any plan that I have for him out of the water!

I'm still scared and still left wishing I knew what the future holds for our family, but I'm hopeful and reminded that God is faithful.

A Little of This, a Little of That

I am finally enjoying a little peace and quiet after a morning full of distraught, crying children. I made the "mistake" of introducing bubbles to Cale and he's really only happy if I'm sitting on the floor blowing bubbles high into the air while he watches and bounces with delight. Apparently he doesn't understand that one cannot blow bubbles 24/7...it makes a person very light-headed. Riley, on the other hand, couldn't care less about the bubbles but she does find it necessary to be held during every waking moment. It's really quite cute; she crawls, following me anywhere and everywhere, occasionally attaching herself to my leg while her big alligator tears soak up her cheek. I've always been a bit jealous of the love Cale so unashamedly shows for his father, and so although Riley's incessant need to be around me is sometimes annoying, on the inside I am glowing with the thrill of being her #1. I'm very aware that this will most likely change but for now I am living it up! It's such a very good feeling to be the favorite.

While I'm not blowing bubbles or holding the Princess, I have been accomplishing quite a bit. For whatever reason I have gotten the bug of "spring cleaning". Although our weather shows no sign of spring arriving anytime soon, I have been in the mood to organize, organize, organize. For the past two weeks I have stayed caught up with our laundry which has made life so much easier! I know exactly where every piece of clothing is and it's rather amazing to be able to throw clothes into the hamper without having to crawl into it to squish the clothes down to make room for more. I ravaged my closet and dresser and ridded them both of unneeded clothing and donated it all to Goodwill. I threw away any clutter that has done nothing but collect dust, I organized our junk drawer so that our junk can now be easily found, I cleaned out our refrigerator and all of our cupboards, and really all that is left to do is box up all of Riley's clothes that no longer fit her. There really is no greater feeling than the feeling of accomplishment.

Ahhhh.

Aside from organizing our house, I have been doing a lot of thinking. Riley has started crawling, which has led her to start pulling herself up on furniture or anything else she can get her hands on, cruising along said things, saying "mama" and "dada", and eating practically anything you put into her mouth. All of those things are things Cale either struggles with or cannot yet do. He crawls well, although slow, and he is able to cruise along furniture but not without showing his struggle with balance. He has yet to make a "mama" or "dada" noise and getting him to eat is literally like pulling teeth. I knew Riley would pass him in skills eventually but I guess I just wasn't prepared to have it happen this soon. It's created a whole new set of emotions within me but I'll save delving into that for later.

I've enjoyed almost a full two hours to myself but I now hear both kids waking up from their naps. Time to get out the bubbles.

On the road...

Tomorrow Alex and I are traveling to Billings. He is attending a youth worker conference while mixing in a little business and I am just going along for the ride. Although I am dreading the five hours in the car with both kids, I am very excited to see my parents and sister's family. My dad hasn't seen Riley since Christmas and he is just going to be floored by how much she has changed! My mom also bribed Alex and I with a free day to go skiing while she watches the kids. Who can turn down an offer like that??? I haven't been skiing all season and honestly I don't even know if I got the chance last year. Kids sure do change the options for "free" time.

Among other things, Alex and I have been going through open houses for the past four months or so. We have a very loose ambition of selling our house this summer but it truly is just fun to go through houses and either fall in love with what other people have done, or cringe at what other people are capable of doing! I really feel like I have a pretty good idea of what's important to me for our next house whereas when we bought this house, I was a bit impatient and wanted anything that would get us out of our apartment. In this economy, though, I definitely think our patience, research, and homework will find the perfect house for our family. Don't get me wrong, our current house has definitely become our home and I am going to be a bit sentimental when we do finally move, but it will be very freeing to have more space for the kids to move about in.

Tonight Alex is going to a bachelor party and so the girls (and kids) are getting together for pizza and games. A little girl time will be good for the soul, I think. :)

I hope everyone enjoys the nice weather that is slowly making the days a bit more bearable.

Sleepless nights...

I've had an incredibly difficult time sleeping lately and it's starting to take its toll on me.  Yesterday I felt like a walking zombie and barely had enough energy to make it through the day.  My personality has been a bit dull which is unfortunate for the ones I come in contact throughout the day, but it truly is exhausting to fake a happy persona.  The reason behind me not being able to sleep is because I literally cannot turn my mind off.  It just goes and goes and no matter how hard I try, I cannot stop it from dwelling on a certain two-year old I call my son.

The reality of how difficult my life is going to be is finally starting to hit.  The hopes of Cale one day "catching up" and being normal are slowly fading away.  Most parents look forward to their child growing up but I am terrified.  I lay awake at night going through scenario after scenario of what my life will be like in a year, five years, or even ten years.  I worry so much I begin to feel sick.  I just lay there praying I can fall asleep so that I don't have to worry anymore.   I literally cannot shut off my mind.

I go back and forth on my emotions towards God when it comes to Cale.  Some days I am accepting of what either God has done or has allowed to happen.  Some days I even feel at peace.  Lately, though, all I have been feeling is anger.  God healed many people while on this earth and performed many miracles.  He created the mountains, the stars, and the seas.  He did things we cannot even possibly fathom as human beings, which is why I'm left desperately wondering why He won't heal my son.  My head knows the answer is because He has a plan that will ultimately bring Him the glory, but my heart is in turmoil.  Why Cale?  Why my family?  

I hope this doesn't leave people doubting my love for my son.  I honestly don't think I could love him any more if I tried.  He's my little man and I think I love him more because of the life he's had to fight so hard for.  I just want him to have the best life possible and it's hard for me to accept that this is it.  

God can move mountains, I'm certain of that.  So why won't He heal my son?