I am blessed to be part of a church that not only cares about deepening people's relationships with God, but connecting with people on a real relational level as well. Alex and I have been given more love and support than we could have ever dreamed of over the past three years and I truly feel like I'm a part of a huge family here in Missoula. One of the ways our church helps people "relate" to one another is through bible studies. I go to a weekly bible study every Tuesday morning and I am so thankful for the women there. They prayed for me when Cale was first born and in the hospital, they brought dinners to my house when we were too busy going back and forth from the NICU to cook, they prayed for Cale when the term "cerebral palsy" was first introduced into our lives, and they sat with us when Cale had surgery. They listen to me - REALLY listen to me - when I share my concerns and fears. All in all, this bible study has helped me through some very difficult times in my life.
This year we are doing a study on returning to the Lord. "Coincidently", this particular study has come at a perfect time in my life. Today we specifically talked about crisis and whether or not that draws us nearer or farther away from God. I personally believe it has the ability to do both. For instance, when our pediatrician first mentioned that Cale might have cerebral palsy, I walked out of that office wishing so bad to be with my Father. I wanted to be in heaven where there are no tears and there is no pain. I didn't want to be here on earth anymore. I prayed more than I ever had before and I craved reading God's word. I clung to the feet of Jesus during those first few months. But then something changed. Whether it was due to the time that had passed or the fact that I had more time to process this new information, I became angry with God and I didn't want to pray anymore. I didn't want to read my bible. God could have prevented this and He even had the ability to heal Cale...but He didn't. And the longer He didn't, the further and further I got from Him.
Today I'm not quite sure where I am in my relationship with the Lord. I know He loves me and that He is using everything in my life for His glory, but I'm still a little angry. I'm not yet at a place where I can say I'm thankful for all the circumstances in my life, but I can say I'm thankful for Cale. I love him with all my heart and I know that some day, whether here on earth but definitely in heaven, I will understand the plan he has for my family.
With that said, an analogy was shared today that will most likely stick with me for quite some time. A woman talked about a time when she was standing outside of a labor and delivery room at the hospital, waiting to see someone, and as she stood there she heard screams coming from the room just down the hall. Loud screams, painful screams...screams that were obviously coming from someone who was in deep agony. But this woman didn't feel remorse or sadness towards the lady screaming, because she knew all of the screaming was going to lead to something beautiful and full of life. Compare that to someone screaming in a cancer ward or a pediatric unit. If you heard screaming then you would undoubtedly be filled with compassion and sorrow for whoever was in pain.
Using Cale and his life as an example, even though I scream and I cry and I hurt, those tears are being used for something good, something beautiful and something full of life. Cale's life will bring glory to God and even though I'm in pain, screaming, His plan will be finished.
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