If you need me I'll be with my therapist

Yes, that's right. I'm seeing a therapist. Although I don't like to use the word "therapist" because it sounds too clinical. I'd rather say I'm in counseling. Yes, that sounds much better???

After months, and possibly even years, I have dealt with different levels of anxiety. For a long time I think I was successful at dealing with the anxiety on my own, but ever since Cale was born and more prominently over the last six months, it has gotten so bad that I've had to seek outside help.

What does this anxiety look like, you ask? Well, that's a good question. It's almost always related to my health and the fear that something is wrong. I think my greatest fear is having something happen to me and then not being able to be there for my kids as they grow up. Perhaps this is irrational but I've actually talked to several other mothers who fear the same thing. The problem with my fear, though, is that it leads to full-blown panic attacks. My heart races so fast to the point where it feels like it's going to explode through my chest, I get light-headed and feel like I'm going to pass out, I start sweating and can't stop fidgeting. During these said panic attacks, I literally believe with all my being that I am breathing my last breaths. I have gone through a handful of tests to make sure that I am healthy, God bless my poor husband, but before these were done I went to the ER once in fear that I was having a heart attack, and have also driven to the ER twice to just sit in the parking lot until the panic attack passed. This behavior is not normal and I recognized that, which is why I decided to start seeing a therapist, I mean counselor.

I'm definitely not "healed" but every day gets a little better. I'm able to rationalize in my head that, most likely, I am not dying. My panic attacks, which used to happen at least once and maybe even twice a day, are now only occurring weekly. I was prescribed a drug to help manage my attacks but as of now I am not taking it anymore. I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Alex has been going with me to my therapy sessions to help give my "counselor" a bigger picture of what my anxiety really looks like. It turns out that having him there makes it a lot of fun. I literally look forward to my time with her and having Alex there has also given him tools on how he can help me when I'm going through my anxious periods. He no longer just rolls his eyes and says "deal with it" but he's very sympathetic, compassionate, and understanding. We spend a lot of the time laughing and making fun of each other which has given a new spin of flirtatious fun into our marriage. Being able to talk to him about my anxiety and having him realize that it's an actual issue for me and not just something I'm making up in my head has helped tremendously. It's amazing how healing being able to say something out loud can be.

I've often wondered why I get anxious and worry, especially since God's word tells us specifically not to be anxious and not to worry. Health wise, I understand and believe that I am not in control, but for some reason that is what is on top of my worry list. I want to be here for my kids and watch them grow, which is where a lot of my worry is spawned from. One woman told me that most people go about life thinking "that won't ever happen to me" and perhaps my worry has started because I've had something happen to me that most people say "that would never happen to me". Giving birth prematurely and then finding out my child has a disability isn't something that most people think will happen to them. But it happened to me and it awoke the realization that I have zero control and that God can and will do whatever He wants. I have a great fear and respect for the Lord and I pray that some day I will find complete peace in understanding that I have zero control.

Until then, though, I'll be with my therapist.