What could have been...

What could have been a post that I had been waiting months to write about sadly turned into one of my worst nightmares this last Friday.

You see, Alex and I were excitedly expecting our third baby!  We had been keeping it a secret from most people, aside from our family and two of our closest friends.  We had tried for a baby for about six months and then decided that maybe we just shouldn't try anymore.  So, I went on birth control but with Alex and I birth control is more like birth guaranteed!  I got pregnant with both Cale and Riley while I was on the pill.  Go figure.  So the first month on birth control we found out we were pregnant!  I remember waking up from a very vivid dream that I was pregnant (which is the exact way I knew I was pregnant with Cale and Riley - from a dream) and so while Alex was taking a shower I rushed downstairs to use the bathroom and take a test.  Low and behold I slowly started to see TWO pink lines appear, which meant I was definitely pregnant.  My first emotion was fright.  I started crying immediately and just like I had done the previous two times, I started shaking and could barely speak.  I ran upstairs and told Alex to get out of the shower.  He initial reaction was that one of our kids must have died because of the look on my face, but when I was finally able to stutter out the words, "I'm pregnant", he got a huge smile on his face, hugged me, and told me that everything was going to be okay.  His reaction and his assurance slowly made me feel okay, too.

From that very moment I started praying for this baby.  I started praying that it would be healthy and that God would help me reach a full-term pregnancy.  I prayed that my pregnancy would be healthy and that we wouldn't encounter any complications.  I prayed that I would be able to slow down and enjoy this pregnancy, because I was able to do that with Riley and I loved every moment of being pregnant with her.  I prayed for a safe delivery and that it would be a perfect, intimate moment for our family.  I prayed for Cale and Riley and that they would just embrace this new life with everything they had.  I prayed all these things EACH and EVERY day from the moment I found out I had someone growing inside of me.  I didn't miss one day.

Alex and I had already chosen names, depending on if we were to have a boy or a girl.  We fell in love with the name Brady if it was a girl, and we decided on the name Tye if it was a boy.  I loved those names.  I was taken aback at how much I already loved this little person growing inside of me.  Perhaps it's because I already have two kids and I see how much I love them, but I had just as much love for this little person that I hadn't even met yet as I do for my two kids who are already here with me.  Even though I was only three months pregnant, I truly felt like I had bonded with this baby even though I wasn't able to feel him or her move inside of me.  I saw their tiny little heartbeat on the ultrasound during my first appointment and even then I cried just knowing how much that little baby was already loved.

Friday, two days ago, I woke up and knew something wasn't right.  I called my doctor and told him what was going on and he assured me everything was probably okay but to come in anyway so that he could put my mind at ease.  I called Alex home from work so that he could watch the kids while I went to the doctor.  I guess in my mind I thought things would be okay, too, because the same thing had happened when I was pregnant with Cale.

When I got there my doctor sat me down and assured me everything was fine.  He went over a few causes as to why these things might be happening and then told me he'd do an ultrasound so that I could see everything was fine.  He got our baby in the center of the computer screen and I knew immediately something was very wrong.  I had seen enough ultrasounds to be able to detect the heart beating and in the picture I was looking at, there was nothing.  No movement from the baby, no beating heart.  My doctor, clearly shocked, poked around for nearly ten minutes trying to find the heartbeat but finally said, "I think you've probably already miscarried."

He left the room to allow me to get dressed and as soon as he closed the door I just broke down into hard sobs.  I wanted Alex to be there; someone to be able to hug me and tell me it was okay.  But I was just all alone, left there to stare at the image on the ultrasound machine of our little baby that had died.

I was nearly twelve weeks pregnant.  Our baby was about the size of a lime.  My doctor gave me two options. 1) Go home and just wait for the "tissue" to pass or 2) have a procedure done, called a D and C, to basically "suck" out the tissue using a machine.  Well, neither of those options sounded very pleasant to me.  I certainly didn't want to just sit and wait for this nightmare to finally come true.  Even though I knew our baby was already dead, there was still a peace inside of me knowing that it was still a part of me.  I didn't want to just see it in the bottom of the toilet.  I also didn't like the second option but I guess I didn't like it the least because that is the option I chose.  That afternoon we checked into the hospital and within about four hours I was able to leave, without my baby.

I'm still in a bit of shock.  I know miscarriages are fairly common but "common" does not mean it is easy.  I'm saddened beyond belief.  I cry at random times throughout the day.  I even get really angry at times.  I literally feel like I have lost one of my children, even though I was never able to see or meet them.

Life feels so different now regardless of the fact that nothing has really changed.  There's just a sadness hanging over our home.  One thing, though, does bring me great joy.  I believe 100%, with all of my heart, that our little baby is celebrating with Jesus in Heaven.  When I walked into our house after coming home from the doctor and learning that we had lost our baby, I buried my head into Alex's shoulders and the first thing he said could not have been more perfect.  He said, "Well, it was the first little Burkhalter to see Jesus' face."

Brady or Tye.  God knows who you are, and I can't wait to meet you on the other side!