What could have been a post that I had been waiting months to write about sadly turned into one of my worst nightmares this last Friday.
You see, Alex and I were excitedly expecting our third baby! We had been keeping it a secret from most people, aside from our family and two of our closest friends. We had tried for a baby for about six months and then decided that maybe we just shouldn't try anymore. So, I went on birth control but with Alex and I birth control is more like birth guaranteed! I got pregnant with both Cale and Riley while I was on the pill. Go figure. So the first month on birth control we found out we were pregnant! I remember waking up from a very vivid dream that I was pregnant (which is the exact way I knew I was pregnant with Cale and Riley - from a dream) and so while Alex was taking a shower I rushed downstairs to use the bathroom and take a test. Low and behold I slowly started to see TWO pink lines appear, which meant I was definitely pregnant. My first emotion was fright. I started crying immediately and just like I had done the previous two times, I started shaking and could barely speak. I ran upstairs and told Alex to get out of the shower. He initial reaction was that one of our kids must have died because of the look on my face, but when I was finally able to stutter out the words, "I'm pregnant", he got a huge smile on his face, hugged me, and told me that everything was going to be okay. His reaction and his assurance slowly made me feel okay, too.
From that very moment I started praying for this baby. I started praying that it would be healthy and that God would help me reach a full-term pregnancy. I prayed that my pregnancy would be healthy and that we wouldn't encounter any complications. I prayed that I would be able to slow down and enjoy this pregnancy, because I was able to do that with Riley and I loved every moment of being pregnant with her. I prayed for a safe delivery and that it would be a perfect, intimate moment for our family. I prayed for Cale and Riley and that they would just embrace this new life with everything they had. I prayed all these things EACH and EVERY day from the moment I found out I had someone growing inside of me. I didn't miss one day.
Alex and I had already chosen names, depending on if we were to have a boy or a girl. We fell in love with the name Brady if it was a girl, and we decided on the name Tye if it was a boy. I loved those names. I was taken aback at how much I already loved this little person growing inside of me. Perhaps it's because I already have two kids and I see how much I love them, but I had just as much love for this little person that I hadn't even met yet as I do for my two kids who are already here with me. Even though I was only three months pregnant, I truly felt like I had bonded with this baby even though I wasn't able to feel him or her move inside of me. I saw their tiny little heartbeat on the ultrasound during my first appointment and even then I cried just knowing how much that little baby was already loved.
Friday, two days ago, I woke up and knew something wasn't right. I called my doctor and told him what was going on and he assured me everything was probably okay but to come in anyway so that he could put my mind at ease. I called Alex home from work so that he could watch the kids while I went to the doctor. I guess in my mind I thought things would be okay, too, because the same thing had happened when I was pregnant with Cale.
When I got there my doctor sat me down and assured me everything was fine. He went over a few causes as to why these things might be happening and then told me he'd do an ultrasound so that I could see everything was fine. He got our baby in the center of the computer screen and I knew immediately something was very wrong. I had seen enough ultrasounds to be able to detect the heart beating and in the picture I was looking at, there was nothing. No movement from the baby, no beating heart. My doctor, clearly shocked, poked around for nearly ten minutes trying to find the heartbeat but finally said, "I think you've probably already miscarried."
He left the room to allow me to get dressed and as soon as he closed the door I just broke down into hard sobs. I wanted Alex to be there; someone to be able to hug me and tell me it was okay. But I was just all alone, left there to stare at the image on the ultrasound machine of our little baby that had died.
I was nearly twelve weeks pregnant. Our baby was about the size of a lime. My doctor gave me two options. 1) Go home and just wait for the "tissue" to pass or 2) have a procedure done, called a D and C, to basically "suck" out the tissue using a machine. Well, neither of those options sounded very pleasant to me. I certainly didn't want to just sit and wait for this nightmare to finally come true. Even though I knew our baby was already dead, there was still a peace inside of me knowing that it was still a part of me. I didn't want to just see it in the bottom of the toilet. I also didn't like the second option but I guess I didn't like it the least because that is the option I chose. That afternoon we checked into the hospital and within about four hours I was able to leave, without my baby.
I'm still in a bit of shock. I know miscarriages are fairly common but "common" does not mean it is easy. I'm saddened beyond belief. I cry at random times throughout the day. I even get really angry at times. I literally feel like I have lost one of my children, even though I was never able to see or meet them.
Life feels so different now regardless of the fact that nothing has really changed. There's just a sadness hanging over our home. One thing, though, does bring me great joy. I believe 100%, with all of my heart, that our little baby is celebrating with Jesus in Heaven. When I walked into our house after coming home from the doctor and learning that we had lost our baby, I buried my head into Alex's shoulders and the first thing he said could not have been more perfect. He said, "Well, it was the first little Burkhalter to see Jesus' face."
Brady or Tye. God knows who you are, and I can't wait to meet you on the other side!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Seattle Trip
Last Thursday we packed up and headed towards Seattle. This was the first time I was excited to make the drive, only because I was so certain that this doctor's appointment was going to give us the answer we had been waiting for. Our plan was to only go as far as Moses Lake, WA since the drive to Seattle is nearly nine hours if you factor in our two kiddos and the many stops they require. Our night in Moses Lake was uneventful; the kids slept great due to my husband's grand idea of using the extra mattress to the queen bed as a "wall" to separate us from the kids. They slept all night and we woke up and hit the road on Friday morning.
We rolled into rainy Seattle around 1:00 and headed to the hospital for a pre-op appointment with the anesthesiologist. They checked his height, weight, and reminded us of what time we needed to be there on Monday morning. Seriously? That's it? We came all the way here three days early to get his height and weight? Apparently the staff at Seattle Children's do not care if you are coming in from out of town - they don't mind whose time they waste. Thankfully, though, Grandma lives in Seattle and so we got to spend a few days with her. Cale and Riley were spoiled beyond belief and were still asking for Grandma when we pulled into our driveway last night. What would the world be like without grandmas?
Monday morning was the big day. We woke up at 5:00am to hopefully beat the rush-hour traffic so that we could be at the hospital by 7:30. We made it with only a few minutes to spare and pretty soon there were doctors rushing all around, prepping Cale for his procedure. Alex and I were both pretty calm but definitely anxious for the results. They only allowed one parent to go back with Cale while they put him to sleep and my dear husband knew I would be a wreck if I was the one who had to wait alone, so he graciously allowed me to go back with him. Cale screamed and clung to my arm while I lied him down on the bed, obviously terrified beyond belief. I couldn't hold back the tears any longer and sobbed right in front of him, trying to assure him everything was going to be okay. I'm sure he saw the fear in my face. I tried to be strong but I don't think any parent could have watched their child cry that hard, visibly frightened, and not shed a tear. Cale fought and fought while the nurse tried to keep the mask around his face but after a few minutes he slowly started to give up and then fell fast asleep. Now the waiting begins.
Alex and I walked up to the cafeteria to grab a bite of breakfast. Neither of us were that hungry but decided to eat anyway. We sat at a table but didn't really say anything to each other. I think we were both a little scared and anxious. Even though Cale wasn't having surgery, it never feels "okay" to have your child be put to sleep for something. I can't imagine the parents who have to sit and wait while their child endures a six-hour surgery. Agony. After eating, we walked down the hallway and headed towards the waiting area. A family sat down near us and we noticed that the father had a Griz sweatshirt on and so we made small talk with him for a little bit. It's funny how small of a world we live in. After waiting for only about half an hour, the doctor came out and sat down to go over everything with us. I took a deep breath and for some reason, seeing the look on his face, I knew he wasn't going to give us the answer we were hoping for.
He showed us a few pictures that he had taken and told us that everything he could see looked "normal". That word, 'normal', makes me want to cry. Everything is not normal and the more I hear it the more angry I get. He told us that he took some biopsies and that it would take a couple of weeks to get those results. The biopsies would tell us if he had any allergies or if there was more inflammation in his esophagus than he could see through the scope. I'm hoping the biopsies are able to tell us more but at this point I've pretty much lost all hope.
The good news, though, is that they didn't find anything. The other side of this coin is that the doctor could have seen something that needed fixed with surgery. I'm learning that rather than trying to find out what is wrong with Cale, this whole process of doctors and procedures is more about eliminating things than finding a diagnosis. Hopefully someday, with enough eliminations, we will come across something that tells us why Cale is the way he is. I'm also learning how grateful I need to be to have a husband to go through all of this with. I can't imagine doing any of this alone and Alex has been my rock since day one. God definitely knew what He was doing when He brought us together.
So, the search continues. I'm disappointed we didn't get any answers but at least by eliminating things we are that much closer to finding a cause.
We rolled into rainy Seattle around 1:00 and headed to the hospital for a pre-op appointment with the anesthesiologist. They checked his height, weight, and reminded us of what time we needed to be there on Monday morning. Seriously? That's it? We came all the way here three days early to get his height and weight? Apparently the staff at Seattle Children's do not care if you are coming in from out of town - they don't mind whose time they waste. Thankfully, though, Grandma lives in Seattle and so we got to spend a few days with her. Cale and Riley were spoiled beyond belief and were still asking for Grandma when we pulled into our driveway last night. What would the world be like without grandmas?
Monday morning was the big day. We woke up at 5:00am to hopefully beat the rush-hour traffic so that we could be at the hospital by 7:30. We made it with only a few minutes to spare and pretty soon there were doctors rushing all around, prepping Cale for his procedure. Alex and I were both pretty calm but definitely anxious for the results. They only allowed one parent to go back with Cale while they put him to sleep and my dear husband knew I would be a wreck if I was the one who had to wait alone, so he graciously allowed me to go back with him. Cale screamed and clung to my arm while I lied him down on the bed, obviously terrified beyond belief. I couldn't hold back the tears any longer and sobbed right in front of him, trying to assure him everything was going to be okay. I'm sure he saw the fear in my face. I tried to be strong but I don't think any parent could have watched their child cry that hard, visibly frightened, and not shed a tear. Cale fought and fought while the nurse tried to keep the mask around his face but after a few minutes he slowly started to give up and then fell fast asleep. Now the waiting begins.
Alex and I walked up to the cafeteria to grab a bite of breakfast. Neither of us were that hungry but decided to eat anyway. We sat at a table but didn't really say anything to each other. I think we were both a little scared and anxious. Even though Cale wasn't having surgery, it never feels "okay" to have your child be put to sleep for something. I can't imagine the parents who have to sit and wait while their child endures a six-hour surgery. Agony. After eating, we walked down the hallway and headed towards the waiting area. A family sat down near us and we noticed that the father had a Griz sweatshirt on and so we made small talk with him for a little bit. It's funny how small of a world we live in. After waiting for only about half an hour, the doctor came out and sat down to go over everything with us. I took a deep breath and for some reason, seeing the look on his face, I knew he wasn't going to give us the answer we were hoping for.
He showed us a few pictures that he had taken and told us that everything he could see looked "normal". That word, 'normal', makes me want to cry. Everything is not normal and the more I hear it the more angry I get. He told us that he took some biopsies and that it would take a couple of weeks to get those results. The biopsies would tell us if he had any allergies or if there was more inflammation in his esophagus than he could see through the scope. I'm hoping the biopsies are able to tell us more but at this point I've pretty much lost all hope.
The good news, though, is that they didn't find anything. The other side of this coin is that the doctor could have seen something that needed fixed with surgery. I'm learning that rather than trying to find out what is wrong with Cale, this whole process of doctors and procedures is more about eliminating things than finding a diagnosis. Hopefully someday, with enough eliminations, we will come across something that tells us why Cale is the way he is. I'm also learning how grateful I need to be to have a husband to go through all of this with. I can't imagine doing any of this alone and Alex has been my rock since day one. God definitely knew what He was doing when He brought us together.
So, the search continues. I'm disappointed we didn't get any answers but at least by eliminating things we are that much closer to finding a cause.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Please sign here, here, here.....aaaand here.
We officially sold our house and bought our new one earlier today. Papers are signed and money is transferred! Wahoo!!!! I had forgotten how much paperwork and hand strength a closing required. I learned that rather than getting better with my signature the more I sign it, the worse it becomes. I seriously felt like my hand had a mind of it's own after we were finished.
It still doesn't feel real that we own a new house. We're still living out of boxes and I have yet to make it my own, which I guess could be part of it, but regardless it is still so fun to wake up in this house each and every morning. I have already sought out my favorite part of the house, which is the bay window in the living room that overlooks the entire city. The view from this window is absolutely gorgeous! We are able to watch the sun go down and see the weather coming in. Right now all I can see is rain, but on most days you can clearly see the entire valley. Unfortunately, my kids also love this spot and I have quickly learned that I need to find a close and convenient spot for the Windex, since cleaning off their grimy little hand prints will become a nightly chore. :)
My parents are currently on their way to Missoula to see our house for the first time. I'm so excited to see them...it feels like it's been forever but in reality it's probably only been a few months. Cale is really excited to see them, too, which means he is currently screaming in his bed and refusing to take a nap. Oh, children.
The weather forecast is full of clouds and rain this weekend, which I suppose should be expected of a Memorial Day weekend in Montana. I think we'll spend most of it indoors and perhaps I can get my mom to help me finish unpacking! :)
I hope everyone has a terrific weekend!!!
It still doesn't feel real that we own a new house. We're still living out of boxes and I have yet to make it my own, which I guess could be part of it, but regardless it is still so fun to wake up in this house each and every morning. I have already sought out my favorite part of the house, which is the bay window in the living room that overlooks the entire city. The view from this window is absolutely gorgeous! We are able to watch the sun go down and see the weather coming in. Right now all I can see is rain, but on most days you can clearly see the entire valley. Unfortunately, my kids also love this spot and I have quickly learned that I need to find a close and convenient spot for the Windex, since cleaning off their grimy little hand prints will become a nightly chore. :)
My parents are currently on their way to Missoula to see our house for the first time. I'm so excited to see them...it feels like it's been forever but in reality it's probably only been a few months. Cale is really excited to see them, too, which means he is currently screaming in his bed and refusing to take a nap. Oh, children.
The weather forecast is full of clouds and rain this weekend, which I suppose should be expected of a Memorial Day weekend in Montana. I think we'll spend most of it indoors and perhaps I can get my mom to help me finish unpacking! :)
I hope everyone has a terrific weekend!!!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
The Red Mystery Blob
Today is Thursday, which means I need to wake up expecting chaos.
Our day starts off with me sleeping in as late as I can, until I look over at the clock and tell myself that if I don't wake up RIGHT NOW and get my behind downstairs to wake up my kiddos, feed them breakfast, get their diapers changed and their little bodies clothed, I am going to be late dropping Cale off at school. It's a God-given miracle that I am able to get myself and my kids out the door before 9:00 AM on any given day, therefore having to be somewhere at 8:45 and actually getting there on time is a direct act of God.
Today was especially challenging, however, because it was pouring sheets of rain! Buckets, even! I'm not exactly sure why this change in weather threatened to delay my departure time...perhaps it was because I had to make sure Cale had all the appropriate clothing just in case his teachers decided to lose their minds and take a classroom full of preschoolers outside. Or maybe it was because the sky was dreary and it made me move a little bit slower than usual. Regardless, I found it incredibly difficult to get out the door on time.
I made it to Cale's school a few minutes late but the buses were still waiting out front which meant the teachers hadn't come out to help the students off, which further meant I wasn't officially late. Bonus 'Mom' points for me. I helped Riley out of the car and her freshly bathed and brushed hair was immediately plastered to her head from all of the rain. She now looked beautiful, especially with the fat lip protruding from her face. (more on that another time) By the time I walked Cale and Riley into the school we were soaking wet and looking like a pathetic trio of drowned rats.
After we dropped Cale off, Riley and I spent the next two and a half hours INSIDE. We cleaned up the house a little and then met a friend at the mall to let our kiddos play so that we could sit for a few moments and enjoy a quiet cup of coffee. It never ended up being quiet but the friendship and coffee was exactly what I needed. Before long it was time to brave the outdoors again and go pick up Cale.
The rain had not stopped and it was still pouring buckets. I ran with Riley to the front of the school and before I could get to the overhang that would shelter us from the wetness, one of Cale's teachers stopped me with quite a bit of force and very matter-of-factly told me that "my son was a GENIUS!". She then continued to tell me the long version of how Cale painted a picture today and the teachers around the school had all put bets on what the drawing was. She told me her interpretation of the drawing was a cowboy getting kissed by his mistress, but other teachers thought it might be a firefighter saving an old woman from a fire. She was quite sure that coincidences like that don't just "happen" and that Cale might have actually been trying to draw something. It was a good story but by now Riley and I are completely drenched and Riley is shivering from the cold.
I must say, this teacher's excitement about Cale's drawing perked my curiosity and I was looking forward to getting a peek at it myself once we got home. Cale must have been very proud of his artwork because he would not let go of the plastic bag that his drawing was wrapped in. He held onto very tightly the entire car ride home.
When we finally did get home, wet hair and all, I pulled his drawing out of the plastic bag and immediately saw the cowboy kissing a woman. I'm not convinced it's his mistress but it's a person none-the-less. I'm certainly not convinced, nor do I believe for a second, that Cale purposefully meant to draw this (HE'S ONLY THREE YEARS OLD, PEOPLE!), but I did proudly hang it on the front of our fridge, which actually says quite a bit because I love having a clean fridge with NOTHING on it. It's amazing what the pride of a parent can make a person do. :)
Cale still walks around the house and occasionally walks up to the fridge and stares at his beautiful masterpiece. He squeals in delight at his mystery red blob!
The rest of our day consisted of lunch and speech therapy, but now I have two very exhausted kiddos who are quietly sleeping in their beds.
Ahhh, this is my favorite time of the day. :)
Our day starts off with me sleeping in as late as I can, until I look over at the clock and tell myself that if I don't wake up RIGHT NOW and get my behind downstairs to wake up my kiddos, feed them breakfast, get their diapers changed and their little bodies clothed, I am going to be late dropping Cale off at school. It's a God-given miracle that I am able to get myself and my kids out the door before 9:00 AM on any given day, therefore having to be somewhere at 8:45 and actually getting there on time is a direct act of God.
Today was especially challenging, however, because it was pouring sheets of rain! Buckets, even! I'm not exactly sure why this change in weather threatened to delay my departure time...perhaps it was because I had to make sure Cale had all the appropriate clothing just in case his teachers decided to lose their minds and take a classroom full of preschoolers outside. Or maybe it was because the sky was dreary and it made me move a little bit slower than usual. Regardless, I found it incredibly difficult to get out the door on time.
I made it to Cale's school a few minutes late but the buses were still waiting out front which meant the teachers hadn't come out to help the students off, which further meant I wasn't officially late. Bonus 'Mom' points for me. I helped Riley out of the car and her freshly bathed and brushed hair was immediately plastered to her head from all of the rain. She now looked beautiful, especially with the fat lip protruding from her face. (more on that another time) By the time I walked Cale and Riley into the school we were soaking wet and looking like a pathetic trio of drowned rats.
After we dropped Cale off, Riley and I spent the next two and a half hours INSIDE. We cleaned up the house a little and then met a friend at the mall to let our kiddos play so that we could sit for a few moments and enjoy a quiet cup of coffee. It never ended up being quiet but the friendship and coffee was exactly what I needed. Before long it was time to brave the outdoors again and go pick up Cale.
The rain had not stopped and it was still pouring buckets. I ran with Riley to the front of the school and before I could get to the overhang that would shelter us from the wetness, one of Cale's teachers stopped me with quite a bit of force and very matter-of-factly told me that "my son was a GENIUS!". She then continued to tell me the long version of how Cale painted a picture today and the teachers around the school had all put bets on what the drawing was. She told me her interpretation of the drawing was a cowboy getting kissed by his mistress, but other teachers thought it might be a firefighter saving an old woman from a fire. She was quite sure that coincidences like that don't just "happen" and that Cale might have actually been trying to draw something. It was a good story but by now Riley and I are completely drenched and Riley is shivering from the cold.
I must say, this teacher's excitement about Cale's drawing perked my curiosity and I was looking forward to getting a peek at it myself once we got home. Cale must have been very proud of his artwork because he would not let go of the plastic bag that his drawing was wrapped in. He held onto very tightly the entire car ride home.
When we finally did get home, wet hair and all, I pulled his drawing out of the plastic bag and immediately saw the cowboy kissing a woman. I'm not convinced it's his mistress but it's a person none-the-less. I'm certainly not convinced, nor do I believe for a second, that Cale purposefully meant to draw this (HE'S ONLY THREE YEARS OLD, PEOPLE!), but I did proudly hang it on the front of our fridge, which actually says quite a bit because I love having a clean fridge with NOTHING on it. It's amazing what the pride of a parent can make a person do. :)
Cale still walks around the house and occasionally walks up to the fridge and stares at his beautiful masterpiece. He squeals in delight at his mystery red blob!
The rest of our day consisted of lunch and speech therapy, but now I have two very exhausted kiddos who are quietly sleeping in their beds.
Ahhh, this is my favorite time of the day. :)
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Doctors get paid WAY TOO MUCH money...
...or at least the ones in Missoula do.
I take that back, in part. I'm sure there are some exceptions to my rule and I really believe there are a handful of doctors out there that deserve every thing that's handed to them, however most of the doctors we've come in contact over the past four years have done NOTHING to advance our search in finding a way to treat my son. I can't even begin to write about how frustrating and disheartening this is. I'm left wondering if there is more that I could be doing or if I'm simply too "cooperative" with the medical community and so I'm left targeted as a blazing red bullseye. There has to be SOMETHING that SOMEONE can do to make it so that Cale doesn't have to go the rest of his life throwing up and writhing in pain.
If you read my post yesterday you can probably gather that our doctor's appointment did not go well. It was a waste of our time, really. The pediatrician we saw was more concerned about getting home by 5:00 than listening to my concerns. He told me that our appointment in Seattle was the "magical appointment" and that I would just have to wait until then.
So I asked, "Am I supposed to just let my son throw up eight times a day and be miserable for the next three weeks?"
"Yes, because there's nothing we can do."
OH. MY. GOSH.
If I were a person that cursed I'm sure I would have screamed several four-letter words at the response that had just come out of his mouth. This man of a doctor didn't even let the tears of a young mom phase him. Again, perhaps his wife threatened that he be home in time for dinner, or else, therefore he couldn't take an extra ten minutes to at least give me a few options of what to do between now and Seattle. The day I find a doctor who actually takes the time to sit and LISTEN to me, and then make a plan on how to go about finding what may be wrong with Cale, I promise I will bend over and kiss the ground he walks on!
Okay, my rant is over and I even feel a little better. On a positive note, I haven't actually seen Cale throw up today and even though he was in school for two and a half hours this morning, his teachers didn't mention anything to me. So I guess I should be grateful and see that as a sign of answered prayer. If you prayed for Cale yesterday, THANK YOU! For at least this morning, it worked!
I take that back, in part. I'm sure there are some exceptions to my rule and I really believe there are a handful of doctors out there that deserve every thing that's handed to them, however most of the doctors we've come in contact over the past four years have done NOTHING to advance our search in finding a way to treat my son. I can't even begin to write about how frustrating and disheartening this is. I'm left wondering if there is more that I could be doing or if I'm simply too "cooperative" with the medical community and so I'm left targeted as a blazing red bullseye. There has to be SOMETHING that SOMEONE can do to make it so that Cale doesn't have to go the rest of his life throwing up and writhing in pain.
If you read my post yesterday you can probably gather that our doctor's appointment did not go well. It was a waste of our time, really. The pediatrician we saw was more concerned about getting home by 5:00 than listening to my concerns. He told me that our appointment in Seattle was the "magical appointment" and that I would just have to wait until then.
So I asked, "Am I supposed to just let my son throw up eight times a day and be miserable for the next three weeks?"
"Yes, because there's nothing we can do."
OH. MY. GOSH.
If I were a person that cursed I'm sure I would have screamed several four-letter words at the response that had just come out of his mouth. This man of a doctor didn't even let the tears of a young mom phase him. Again, perhaps his wife threatened that he be home in time for dinner, or else, therefore he couldn't take an extra ten minutes to at least give me a few options of what to do between now and Seattle. The day I find a doctor who actually takes the time to sit and LISTEN to me, and then make a plan on how to go about finding what may be wrong with Cale, I promise I will bend over and kiss the ground he walks on!
Okay, my rant is over and I even feel a little better. On a positive note, I haven't actually seen Cale throw up today and even though he was in school for two and a half hours this morning, his teachers didn't mention anything to me. So I guess I should be grateful and see that as a sign of answered prayer. If you prayed for Cale yesterday, THANK YOU! For at least this morning, it worked!
Monday, May 24, 2010
Desperation
There seems to always be SOMETHING going on with Cale. I usually choose not to write about it because if I did, this blog would solely be comprised of the "junk" he has to deal with and even though it's important and a huge part of our lives, focusing on what's "wrong" all the time is simply depressing. I feel the need, however, to write about what's going on with him today because I'm taking him into the doctor this afternoon out of sheer desperation, and perhaps those of you reading this can offer up a prayer. Or a lot of prayers.
I've watched Cale over the last eight to ten months get progressively worse in regards to his eating and digesting patterns. It started out with what I just assumed was really bad reflux. When the medicines he was on failed to work I was naive in thinking that we just hadn't found the right one. Initial symptoms that I remember noticing were spitting up every now and then, with an occasional grimace on this face when he had to swallow back down whatever had just come up. Today, however, the symptoms have progressed to Cale throwing up with EVERY feeding, at least once, and then throwing up two to three times in between feedings. Aside from losing his breakfast, lunch, and dinner, he has seemed to have lost total control over his body during these episodes. We've ruled out seizures so we know it's not that, but something is going on his little body that is causing these miserable side effects. He's resulted to laying down when he plays with toys because I think he feels he has more control of his body in that position. He can still sit up and walk but when he's having these bouts of whatever is going on, he chooses to lay down and be still. You can clearly hear gurgling and churning in his stomach that is most noticeable right after he eats or has a drink of water. He cries because he's in pain but thankfully has not refused to eat. Whatever is going on is causing GREAT stress in our family because we're obviously worried about Cale, but the physical demands of cleaning up vomit ALL. DAY. LONG is getting to the point of being too much bear. I HATE watching him suffer like this and I HATE even more that I'm not able to do anything for him.
I see what used to be my happy little boy slowly becoming unhappy in his misery. He's a trooper and has handled this better than anyone I will ever know, but I'm afraid he will soon "give up"; I certainly would have long before now.
We are scheduled to leave for Seattle on June 4 so that Cale can get "scoped" by the GI (gastroenterologist) doctor but at this rate I don't think we can make it that long. Cale's regular pediatrician is unfortunately out of the office today and tomorrow and so we will be seeing someone today that doesn't know anything about Cale, so please pray for wisdom for this new doctor. Please pray that they will take my concerns seriously and that he will quickly develop a heart for treating my son.
Our appointment is at 3:50 this afternoon so I will try and update you after we get home. THANK YOU for praying!!!
I've watched Cale over the last eight to ten months get progressively worse in regards to his eating and digesting patterns. It started out with what I just assumed was really bad reflux. When the medicines he was on failed to work I was naive in thinking that we just hadn't found the right one. Initial symptoms that I remember noticing were spitting up every now and then, with an occasional grimace on this face when he had to swallow back down whatever had just come up. Today, however, the symptoms have progressed to Cale throwing up with EVERY feeding, at least once, and then throwing up two to three times in between feedings. Aside from losing his breakfast, lunch, and dinner, he has seemed to have lost total control over his body during these episodes. We've ruled out seizures so we know it's not that, but something is going on his little body that is causing these miserable side effects. He's resulted to laying down when he plays with toys because I think he feels he has more control of his body in that position. He can still sit up and walk but when he's having these bouts of whatever is going on, he chooses to lay down and be still. You can clearly hear gurgling and churning in his stomach that is most noticeable right after he eats or has a drink of water. He cries because he's in pain but thankfully has not refused to eat. Whatever is going on is causing GREAT stress in our family because we're obviously worried about Cale, but the physical demands of cleaning up vomit ALL. DAY. LONG is getting to the point of being too much bear. I HATE watching him suffer like this and I HATE even more that I'm not able to do anything for him.
I see what used to be my happy little boy slowly becoming unhappy in his misery. He's a trooper and has handled this better than anyone I will ever know, but I'm afraid he will soon "give up"; I certainly would have long before now.
We are scheduled to leave for Seattle on June 4 so that Cale can get "scoped" by the GI (gastroenterologist) doctor but at this rate I don't think we can make it that long. Cale's regular pediatrician is unfortunately out of the office today and tomorrow and so we will be seeing someone today that doesn't know anything about Cale, so please pray for wisdom for this new doctor. Please pray that they will take my concerns seriously and that he will quickly develop a heart for treating my son.
Our appointment is at 3:50 this afternoon so I will try and update you after we get home. THANK YOU for praying!!!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Goings On and Happenings...
Wow, I feel like it's been FOREVER since I last posted anything about anything. I wonder if anyone ever reads the small amount of things I have to say??? Well, even if there is only one of you out there that decides to stop by this site, I suppose I will talk to you. Thank you for being so faithful!
Last Wednesday Alex and I finally moved into our new house! I must admit that I didn't allow myself to get very excited about moving until it actually happened, but now that it has, I am overjoyed and so excited about our new home! I love waking up in this house and I cannot wait to make it our own! The kids have done amazing with this new transition and have had so much fun exploring their different surroundings. In fact, yesterday I had to stop by our old house to grab a few things and Cale pointed to the house and shook his head "no", only to smile again until we pulled into the driveway of our new house. I guess that means we get a stamp of approval from him. Our new house has at least twice the square footage of our old one and I have been pleasantly surprised to find that we don't have enough stuff to fill this house. I even have bare cabinets, with NOTHING in them, in our kitchen! Not to mention an actual room to do our laundry, rather than having to transfer and fold clothes in the hallway. It is simply marvelous. Dreamy, even. This is the perfect house to have my kids grow up and remember as their first home.
Our best friends coincidently sold their house the very same day we did and just yesterday put a house under contract. I am very excited for them and can't wait to help them move. (moving other people's stuff is far more exciting and less stressful than moving your own, because at the end of the day you can just leave it and don't have the overwhelming task of unpacking it all!)
My parents are coming to visit Memorial Day weekend and I'm excited that they will finally have an actual room and bathroom to themselves. I'm sure that will make their visits a tad more comfortable since they previously had to sleep on an air mattress in the middle of our living room floor. :) For any of you readers that don't live here in Missoula, if you ever find yourself in this beautiful city and don't have a place to stay, our home is always available. :) Seriously.
In other news, Riley has started asking A LOT of questions. "What are you doing?", and "Why?" seem to be her favorite. I think some parents might get annoyed by such inquiries, but I have found myself loving it and thinking that she just might be the smartest kid to ever walk the planet. :) I think it's due to the fact that I've never had the experience of Cale asking me a hundred questions like most all toddlers do, and so now that I have one that is acting like her actual age, I am just amazed at her brilliance. I'm amazed at Cale's brilliance, too...just in different ways. :)
We head to Seattle in a few weeks for another doctor appointment for Cale. If you find yourself with nothing to pray about or just want to add something else to your list, please pray that this doctor will find SOMETHING and that there will be a simple way to treat it. Thank you!
Last Wednesday Alex and I finally moved into our new house! I must admit that I didn't allow myself to get very excited about moving until it actually happened, but now that it has, I am overjoyed and so excited about our new home! I love waking up in this house and I cannot wait to make it our own! The kids have done amazing with this new transition and have had so much fun exploring their different surroundings. In fact, yesterday I had to stop by our old house to grab a few things and Cale pointed to the house and shook his head "no", only to smile again until we pulled into the driveway of our new house. I guess that means we get a stamp of approval from him. Our new house has at least twice the square footage of our old one and I have been pleasantly surprised to find that we don't have enough stuff to fill this house. I even have bare cabinets, with NOTHING in them, in our kitchen! Not to mention an actual room to do our laundry, rather than having to transfer and fold clothes in the hallway. It is simply marvelous. Dreamy, even. This is the perfect house to have my kids grow up and remember as their first home.
Our best friends coincidently sold their house the very same day we did and just yesterday put a house under contract. I am very excited for them and can't wait to help them move. (moving other people's stuff is far more exciting and less stressful than moving your own, because at the end of the day you can just leave it and don't have the overwhelming task of unpacking it all!)
My parents are coming to visit Memorial Day weekend and I'm excited that they will finally have an actual room and bathroom to themselves. I'm sure that will make their visits a tad more comfortable since they previously had to sleep on an air mattress in the middle of our living room floor. :) For any of you readers that don't live here in Missoula, if you ever find yourself in this beautiful city and don't have a place to stay, our home is always available. :) Seriously.
In other news, Riley has started asking A LOT of questions. "What are you doing?", and "Why?" seem to be her favorite. I think some parents might get annoyed by such inquiries, but I have found myself loving it and thinking that she just might be the smartest kid to ever walk the planet. :) I think it's due to the fact that I've never had the experience of Cale asking me a hundred questions like most all toddlers do, and so now that I have one that is acting like her actual age, I am just amazed at her brilliance. I'm amazed at Cale's brilliance, too...just in different ways. :)
We head to Seattle in a few weeks for another doctor appointment for Cale. If you find yourself with nothing to pray about or just want to add something else to your list, please pray that this doctor will find SOMETHING and that there will be a simple way to treat it. Thank you!
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