A Heart of THANKSgiving!

Can you believe Thanksgiving is only a few days away!  I don't know why but as I get older the holidays creep up on me faster and faster each year!  I think it's because when you're little you start looking forward to Christmas in July, and so it seems to take FOREVER for the holidays to arrive.  Now, life is so busy that there doesn't seem to be enough time to get excited. 

It's the day before Thanksgiving and I haven't even gone to the grocery store yet.  I'm kind of dreading it since I'm sure the masses are out.  Why oh why do I procrastinate on these things???  We are spending the holiday here in Missoula this year.  I got to thinking about it and this is the first Thanksgiving we've spent at home...I guess that's what happens when you've got family spread across the whole northwest.  My duties this year are to make a green bean casserole, a cranberry salad and a pecan pie.  I wasn't actually asked to make a pecan pie but I'm not a fan of pumpkin pie (I know, I know - unamerican, right?) and so a pecan pie for me it is!  

I'm sure many families have this tradition but it's been my experience ever since I can remember that at Thanksgiving dinner, everyone at the table says what they are thankful for.  It was last year that we told my parents we were pregnant AGAIN.  I'm usually starving before dinner is even served but last year I was so nervous I thought I was going to throw up everywhere.  I knew our news was going to send my mom into a tailspin and so all of the feelings of joy and excitement of telling loved ones you're going to have a baby were non-existent.  HOWEVER, after the initial shock I think everyone calmed down enough to enjoy the rest of Thanksgiving.  I'm thankful I don't have any more news like that again this year. :)

I have a lot to be thankful for this year, though.  I'm thankful I have the family I do.  My husband is by far the most admirable man I have ever known and definitely the greatest father to our children.  I honestly don't think I could have dreamed up a better husband or father. (Besides my own dad but he's in a category all by himself)  I'm thankful I have two beautiful, healthy and happy kids.  I'm of course biased but they truly are the BEST!  I'm thankful I have a home and enough money to buy a coffee every now and then.  (I'm sure Alex is not thankful for the latter)  My life, even though it definitely presents great challenges, is pretty darn good.  I truly believe family is the greatest gift here on earth, and hands down, I have the best family a wife, mother, and daughter could ask for.  I even love my in-laws (both sets!) which speaks volumes.  Most importantly, though, I'm thankful for a God that loves me despite my screw-ups and mistakes.  He is, after all, the giver of everything I have to be thankful for.  

Having a heart of thanksgiving is difficult for some but I'm lucky enough to have it come easy.

I hope everyone has a happy Thanksgiving!  

Carrie Underwood!!!

I might have some of the best friends a girl could ever ask for!  So most of you know that I am a huge country fan and proud of it.  Don't try and tell me I'm lame or that I'm a dork for listening to it, because frankly, I don't care.  My husband informed me the other day as we were going through the Starbucks drive-through that Thaiv (one of our very good friends) had bought tickets to Carrie Underwood for his wife, Crystal. (one of my best friends)  I admit, I was extremely jealous and a bit disappointed that my husband hadn't thought to buy tickets for us, but to his defense he only listens to talk radio and had no idea she was coming to town.  Long story short, Thaiv found out that I REALLY wanted to go and so he gave me his ticket!  This may seem like just a nice gesture but this concert was going to be the first time Thaiv and Crystal had been out - ALONE - since their baby girl, Madison, was born.  She's almost five months old.  I feel so honored to have been the one to go out on their first date! :)

I was a little (ok, A LOT) nervous to leave Riley since she's only been breastfed and never given a bottle.  Four hours is quite awhile for her to go without eating since she's pretty much on a 1 1/2 to 2 hour schedule.  Please, no judgements....she just likes to eat!  We met over at Thaiv and Crystal's house, topped off their tanks, and left all four kids in the care of Alex and Thaiv.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my children with anyone BUT Alex, however the thought of Thaiv and Alex alone with all four kids put a grin on my face as we shut the door behind us. :)  I was pretty confident there was going to be a lot of crying since neither Alex or Thaiv had the right equipment to feed them.  

We got to the concert and found our seats.  We were chatting about our kids and how it felt SO good to be out on our own - no diaper bags, no car seats - just Crystal and me with four hours of pure entertainment in front of us.  As I was marveling in my own bliss, I was interrupted by the sensation of something cold pouring down my head and down the back of my shirt.  Yep, the girl behind us had spilled her sugary Mike's Hard Lemonade all over me.  Nice.  Luckily my hair just crusted over and we were able to enjoy the concert despite me smelling of alcohol. :)

Carrie Underwood was awesome and the opening band, Little Big Town, was just as good!  I sang my little lungs away and then we got back into the car to return to reality.  I must say, the trip to freedom was very much needed and appreciated but I am very thankful I had a husband and two beautiful children to return to.  

I half expected to open the door to the house and hear a constant stream of screaming, but to my surprise Cale was in bed and Riley was asleep on Alex's shoulder.  After feeling a bit let down that my kids weren't needing ME, I happily realized that it is possible to leave and have things be ok.  

I guess I'm going to have to do that more often.

Riley does exist

So I was reading over some of my older posts and I realized that most, if not all, have to do with Cale.  One would think he's an only child. I really do love Riley equally but sometimes Cale and his challenges consume most of my thoughts.  So what is Riley up to these days???

                                    All tired from a busy Halloween Party

Riley has earned the nickname "Drama Queen".  She's a joyful baby girl but quite the little Miss.  She likes things her way and she will definitely not be shy to tell you ALL about it.  Her babbling is pretty much constant.  She has learned to roll from her tummy to back although it's not consistent yet.  She still yells at me when she's on her stomach even though she is perfectly capable to roll herself over.  Maybe she's just lazy.  She likes to buzz her lips together, stick out her tongue, flap her arms and legs in delight, and just recently let us hear her squeal of happiness.  She's still not sleeping through the night...in fact I'm lucky to get a three-hour stretch of sleep but I suppose that's the downside to breastfeeding:  I'm the only one able to fulfill her hunger needs. :)  Perhaps the bottle isn't so bad after all.  Hmm...

I've put her in her play saucer a few times and she seems to enjoy it, but generally big brother Cale won't let her enjoy it for very long.  Sharing toys will be an interesting lesson to teach and I'm working on it slowly, but for now it's just too daunting.  Kind of like potty-training, I imagine.  All in all I think she likes her big brother.  She stares at him and watches his every move very intently.  I know Cale likes her because when we let him touch her he gets extremely happy.  We're still working on being gentle but for now Cale's touch is all or nothing.  There is no in-between which Riley doesn't quite enjoy.  Eyes and hair are in constant danger!

I love having two kids and wouldn't change it for the world.  Sometimes people will stop me and ask how on earth I manage two kids in diapers.  My answer is that I don't know anything different and so I'm not sure if it's harder than if one were already potty-trained.  I'm a full believer in the fact that God gives us the ability to overcome our individual challenges.  What is it with people complaining about diapers, anyway? It's really not THAT bad.  There are definite worse things.

I went to get Riley weighed the other day and she was almost 13 lbs.  That may seem small but since she was only six and a half pounds at birth that means she has nearly doubled her birth weight.  Pediatricians don't expect that until a child reaches six months of age.  I think we're right on track but I'll find out more at her four-month appointment, which is on December 2nd.  

So that's what Riley has been up to.  Right now she is screaming at me to get off the computer and feed her.  Seriously, how much more can this child eat??? 

The Train

Everyone has seen them.  You know, the trains they put in malls to let children climb all over?  When I was pregnant with Cale I swore to myself I would never let him play on what I saw as The Big Giant Germ.  Well, that quickly wore off and before I knew it I was one of those moms letting their kid get exposed to who knows what!  I've heard other moms say they have seen kids pee on it, wipe their noses on it, lick it, throw up on it...you get the picture.  Despite all of the disgusting things that go on there on a daily basis (do you think someone cleans it everyday, if at all???) I have found that watching Cale play around on the train makes me rather proud.  

I remember the very first time he got up enough courage to venture over to it all on his own.  For months he would just sit on my lap and watch all of the other kids play. When I set him down to see if he would join the others he would either break into immediate tears or freeze completely.  The day he crawled up the stairs and went down the slide all by himself made me cry.  I was SO proud.  My son, who usually froze around other kids and got too scared to do things on his own without me or Alex around, was becoming a big boy!  He was discovering that he could do things - challenging things - without our help.  I'll never forget that day.

Today, since the weather is turning and it's too cold to play outside, I went to the mall to let Cale burn some energy and play on the train.  It usually takes him a moment to warm up to the idea - he surveys the other kids and makes sure I give him the signal that it's safe.  Today he didn't even look back at me as he took off crawling towards the stairs.  There are two slides on this particular train - a little slide and a big slide. Cale likes to go down the little slide a few times before he develops enough courage to conquer the Big One!  Well, today he went right for the big slide.  He looked at me with a huge grin before going down and when he reached the bottom he giggled with delight.  

One might see this as something small but for me it was like going back to that first day.  I looked around to see if other moms were watching me or my son swell with pride but no one even threw us a glance.  There must have been ten other kids running around and not one mom was even looking in the direction of the train.  One mom was talking on her cell phone, some other moms were drinking coffee and chatting, and I'm guessing the other moms just dropped their kids off while they went shopping.  I'm not saying I love my child any more than other moms because that would be silly to assume, but I am so thankful that Cale is the way he is because I will never take the small things for granted.  It's far too easy to get caught up in the speed of life but Cale forces me to slow down and be grateful for each day, each victory - big or small.  

Ah, Mothers!

Perhaps it's my age or the fact that I am now a mother myself, but I've come to realize that sometimes it's just necessary to have a little "mommy and me" time.  My mom came to visit us this weekend and it was truly a little slice of heaven.  She helped get Cale fed and dressed, she put him to bed, held Riley when she cried, folded my mounds of laundry I had been putting off, and spoiled us by buying dinners and clothes.  It was like having a vacation without having to go anywhere.  But sadly she had to leave this morning and so it's back to reality. :(

Among other things, I have been feeling pretty positive about Cale lately.  I realize that my emotions go in waves and although I'm on a "high" right now, I'm realistic enough to know that a low is inevitably going to follow.  I'm really enjoying have this high right now, though.  Cale has been eating REALLY WELL the past week or so which is making life so much easier.  It's so refreshing to see him get excited to eat!  He's also been making quite a few new sounds and sometimes I swear he's saying actual words. He learned to sign for "all done" which has come in handy when he's eating.  It's not the correct sign for "all done" but as long as he uses his own sign consistently I'm not too concerned.  I'll take whatever I can get!  

In general, I am just so thankful for the little boy he is becoming.  I truly feel he has a great chance in succeeding in this life.  I'm so lucky to be his mom and to be able to see him climb these huge mountains!  How rewarding being a mother can be. :)  

At last!!!

Last night was our dinner date with a family that understands what life is like for us.  They, too, have a daughter with some challenges and she sees the same physical and speech therapists as Cale.  They know all about the Child Development Center programs we are enrolled in and everything!  At last, we have finally found a family that completely understands!!!  

We had them over to our house and I must admit, I was a bit nervous to have people come into our home that we have never met.  At first I was just excited to meet them but as the time drew nearer I started to get butterflies in my stomach.  I for some silly reason thought we might not have enough to talk about.  Turns out we had a lot to talk about!  It was just so encouraging to see a family going through the very same things we are going through.  Neurologists, therapists, fears - we seemed to share very similar emotions in regards to our kids.  Ah, what a relief to meet such a nice couple who love their child!

They left last night agreeing we should meet again.  I really hope this relationship develops into something more than just two families who share similar struggles.  

Satan's Grip

Today I had bible study up at the church.  I so look forward to Tuesday mornings.  Not only is there childcare for Cale but it's a great opportunity to be around adults.  The group of ladies that attend always give me a new or different perspective on things, which in my life is greatly appreciated.  There is a group of us that all have babies and sit at one table.  We rarely get new people to sit with us because the joke is that if you sit with us you might get pregnant.  Funny but possibly true.  

Anyhow, something was said today that I've always known but sometimes lose sight of.  We are studying about God's promises and the one we studied today was God's promise to give us rest.  When I think of "rest" the first couple of thoughts that come to mind are nap time and bed time.  Ha.  The kind of rest that God promises, though, is freedom from worry, despair, anger, etc.  The word that stands out to me is worry - in big, bold, black letters!  To anyone that knows me well knows I am the Queen of worrying, especially these days.  I worry about a large spectrum of things, from sharks in pools (yes, you read that correctly - sharks in pools!), jellyfish in the ocean, bears and mountain lions, to larger things such as the health of my family and the future for my son and daughter.  Worrying has the ability to paralyze me.  It wraps around me like a vine and holds tight.  I HATE to worry but am really horrible about not worrying.  "Just don't worry so much" is what I hear a lot but that is surely easier said than done.  With that being said, what was said today was that worrying comes from Satan.  Now, I KNOW this in my head but I often and easily forget it.  The thought that Satan has any control over me makes me angry.  It makes me want to do whatever possible to be released from his grip.  God is so much BIGGER than Satan.  God is on my side.  Satan has no place in my life.  

Wouldn't it be amazing to be at rest?  To be completely free?  I strive for this but am quickly realizing it's a choice that needs to be made daily, until "rest" takes on a different meaning to me than nap time. :)

Positive Thoughts

Okay, so my posts so far have been a bit depressing.  But like I expressed in my latest post I try so hard to be positive all of the time.  Writing about my real thoughts and emotions is hard for me but I think by not bottling everything up will be somewhat therapeutic for me.  

Life is not "bad" by any stretch of the imagination.  Most days are good.  I'm thankful for my husband and two kids.  I'm also very thankful for the group of friends we have.  My parents and in-laws have been nothing but supportive from the very beginning.  We have a lot of things to be thankful for.  

Being a mother is nothing like I thought it would be.  It's a lot harder, for one, but I also never could have imagined the amount of love I would have for my children.  The love for your child is a different kind of love that I can't really put into words.  I would give my life for my kids.  My love for Cale, though, is also a different kind of love that I can't put into words.  I remember when I got pregnant with him I prayed that he would be healthy.  I remember praying that he wouldn't have downs syndrome or some other "defect".  Sounds harsh but it's the truth.  Now, having a child with a disability, makes me realize that no matter if your child is normal or not, you will love them just the same - no more and no less.  Actually, I think I might love Cale more the way he is than if he were normal.  I suppose there's no way of proving that but that's what I believe. 

 I am so ashamed of the stares I gave to students in high school that had a disability.  I remember one student in particular that had CP.  I wasn't mean to him but I didn't reach out to him either.  I treated him like he was less than me.  Like he wasn't a part of the rest of society.  His grandparents were neighbors of ours and I remember staring at his limp and the arm that he couldn't bend.  Now I am just amazed at the fact that he could walk.  I feel very sympathetic towards his parents and all that they probably did to make his life as normal as possible.  He was a tennis star on our high school team and even managed to play church softball, even though he couldn't use one of his arms.   It makes me sad to think that people will stare at Cale and probably treat him like I treated that boy in high school.  It makes me lose a little faith in people as a whole.  But this was supposed to be about positive thoughts, right???!!!

Even though Cale is different to almost everyone around us, he's absolutely perfect to Alex and me.  If someone were to appear with a magic wand and tell me they could make Cale "normal", I truly believe I would tell them no.  I love Cale unconditionally just the way he is, and like I said before, maybe more because of it. 

Trying to be Strong

Dealing with Cale and his disability has caused quite a strain on our family.  When he was first diagnosed we went through a grieving period.  Now some of you might wonder what we had to grieve.  Well, we had to grieve over the child we would never have.  We will never have what is considered a "normal" child.  When we used to dream of whether or not he would take up golf we now have to grieve over the fact that he may never be able to play golf.  Sounds silly to care about such a small aspect of life, but you would be amazed at the entire spectrum of things we've thought about in regards to what Cale may or may not be able to do.  

I think one of the hardest things Alex and I have been faced with is that we choose to deal with grief differently.   Alex likes to talk about things when he's feeling blue whereas I like to stay quiet.  So when I've had a hard day I usually express my sadness by becoming grouchy or defensive towards Alex.  If Alex has a hard day he wants to talk to me about it.  This causes another problem.  I want to be there for him and be supportive, however this is OUR child and we're both experiencing the same roller-coaster of emotions.  How can I be his strength when I don't have the strength myself?  Quite a dilemma indeed. 

Another thing that has been hard is that we both try and be so strong to the outside world.  Alex and I are generally very happy people and I think most people would agree that when we're at church or with a group of friends, we almost always have a smile on our face and a  positive attitude.  Trying to be strong all the time is exhausting.  Sometimes we'll get home from being out and just sit down and cry.  I really think it helps to just cry sometimes.  I often wish I could express my feelings more openly with friends and family but who likes to be around a downer?  I certainly don't want to be labeled as the party-pooper.  I would rather just put on a smile and pretend life is just as I dreamed it would be, no matter how exhausting it might be.  

One positive thing that this has drawn is that I feel I'm much more in tune with other people's emotions.  When I know of someone going through a hard time I don't automatically think they're okay just because they have a smile on their face.

And then there were four!

Riley was born on July 16, 2008 at 3:27 PM.  Since Cale was premature and only three pounds at birth, I was not able to deliver him naturally and so I was determined to have that experience with Riley.  Prior C-Section patients aren't allowed to get induced, (or at least at the hospital here in Missoula) and so when my due date came and went things weren't looking so good.  Kind of ironic that Cale was born early and that Riley was showing no signs of coming out a week after my due date.  My doctor called me a day before she was born and said that he could do one thing that would hopefully help me go into labor.  I told him to do whatever it took to get her out!  The next day at about 9:00 AM he broke my water.  Labor followed and six hours later she was born naturally!  

I can't really describe the emotions of seeing her and feeling her against me for the first time.  For all of you mothers out there you know exactly what I'm talking about.  I was completely oblivious to everything else around me except for her tiny cry and sweet face.  I did, however, ask them to assure me she was still a girl.  For whatever reason doctors have started to fail to announce the gender once a baby is born.  I was able to hold her for probably five minutes before they took her away to clean her up and check to make sure everything was okay.  Quite a different experience from when Cale was born.  I was able to see him immediately after they pulled him out of my belly but it was a good 36 hours before I was able to see him again.  And when I did see him he was hooked up to a bunch of machines and had wires hanging off him everywhere.  Ugh, just the thought of that makes me a little sick to my stomach.  With Riley, though, everything went the way I had always imagined giving birth should go.  

We left the hospital the next day and I remember getting home, sitting her down in the middle of our living room and just bursting into tears.  What in the heck am I going to do with two kids???!!!  How in the world am I ever going to be able to go anywhere?  How am I supposed to feed two kids that can't yet eat by themselves?  Will Cale still feel loved by me even though I love someone else just as much?  I suppose all of those things worry most parents of their second child.  I was overwhelmed, though and couldn't imagine life ever being easy again.  

I truly believe, however, that God gives you exactly what you need, including the strength, courage, and patience to face tomorrow.

Perseverance - The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it.

Perseverance is a great word to describe what Cale has had to do throughout his entire life - PERSEVERE.  Nothing has come easy for him and every accomplishment and gain he has made has only come with great effort.  There was a day when we thought Cale would never be able to sit up, much less walk, but he has proven us wrong time and time again.  A few weeks before his two-year birthday, Cale is able to do things we never dreamed of him doing.  He can crawl, pull himself up to a stand, maintain his balance for 30-45 seconds, and walk with a walker.  Although wobbly and bit uncoordinated, he can also walk if you hold one of his hands.  (This will someday make getting both kids to the car a breeze!)  The great thing about Cale is that the things that were once difficult for him you would never be able to tell.  Once Cale gets a skill it becomes easy for him, as if it came naturally at one point.  Hopefully WHEN he walks the same thing will be true.  

One of the things I love about Cale is how proud he gets of himself.  If he's doing something and getting positive feedback from the ones watching him, he will continue doing the same thing over and over and over again.  Sometimes I feel like I can only clap so many times, but seeing the smile he gets on his face always buys another clap. :)  I cannot imagine the roar the erupts when he takes his first steps by himself.  

CP?

If you were to see Cale in a photo you would never know he has a disability.  Wow, I'm not sure I've ever labeled my son as having a disability until just now.  I've thought about it but I've never said it out loud or written it in words.  My heart races thinking about it.  Cerebral palsy, or CP, is the closest thing any doctor or specialist has been able to label Cale with.  Cale has had an MRI, seen two neurologists, a geneticist, and still no one can clearly diagnose him.  His MRI came back normal which is GREAT - no visible brain damage!  Both of the neurologists say he displays symptoms similar to CP but there's just something about Cale that doesn't fit that label.  The geneticist said whatever Cale has is probably not genetic, which was good news since I was pregnant with Riley when we saw him.  Phew!  As of this very moment, Cale is the way he is and there's no clear reason why.  Some say it could be due to the fact that he was premature and others say he would be like this even if he came on time.  A mystery indeed.  

At two years of age Cale cannot do a lot of things that a normal two-year old can do.  He can't yet walk, talk, or eat solid foods.  He wasn't able to sit up on his own until he was about fourteen months old and he didn't learn to crawl until he was seventeen months old.  His fine motor skills, like stacking blocks or pinching things with his fingers, are still behind.  In a nutshell, Cale has the physical ability to do anything but it's getting his brain to deliver those messages to his body that is the problem.  

So what do we as a family do to help him?  Well, Cale has been in physical therapy for a little over a year now.  I often get asked what Cale does during this process and the best way to put it is that he basically just plays.  Paula, our physical therapist, comes to our house twice a week and teaches him things like how to crawl up stairs, how to cruise around on furniture, how to squat when he wants to bend down to play with something, etc.  Things that come naturally to almost every child is what Cale needs to be taught.  Slowly but surely we are making great gains!  Cale has also been in speech therapy for the last month.  Ugh, this is probably the most dreaded of all therapies!  We aren't quite yet working on his actual speech but mostly on his eating.  Cale really wants to eat the foods we are eating but he can't figure out how to move his tongue in a way that would get the food swallowed.  Cale really does not like this time of day but in the last few weeks we have seen some progress which has made things a bit more enjoyable.  His speech therapist also comes to our home which is a huge blessing.  I cannot imagine what I would do if we had to go somewhere for all of his therapy sessions!  

So that's a brief summary of what Cale struggles with and what we're doing about it.  It sounds like Cale can't do much for himself but you would be surprised at how determined our little guy is.

Dreaming New Dreams

When Alex and I first got pregnant with Cale, it was only natural to start fantasizing about what he would look like, what his first word might be, when he would learn to crawl and to walk, if he would choose golf over football or skiing over snowboarding. We dreamed pretty normal dreams for him. Cale was born two months early, though and we had no idea our dreams were going to have to change. He was in the hospital for two months and both Alex and I thought things would be fine as long as he got out of the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit). " If we could just have him home, then things would be okay," we thought. Well, Cale did come home and things appeared to be okay. Restless nights, crying, diapers - normal baby stuff. We always had a fear that he was different from other babies but we just thought it was because he was premature. He didn't start cooing or rolling over when he supposed to and when it came around to the time when he should have been able to sit up we knew he wouldn't start doing that either. At his six month checkup our pediatrician diagnosed him with cerebral palsy. Our dreams for him were shattered, broken into a million teeny tiny pieces, within just a few spoken words. I walked out of the doctors office with a baby I didn't even recognize. He was a different person to me and I hated myself for thinking that. All I could think about was that our time on earth is temporary and someday I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore. I hated myself for thinking that too. Cerebral palsy? What is that anyway?

Welcome!

Hello, Family and Friends! I have created a blog so that many of you have the opportunity to be updated more frequently on what goes on in our daily lives. Don't worry, the website Alex manages will still be the main way to view all of our pictures and videos, however I will hopefully be able to update this on a somewhat daily basis. For some of you our life is a bit of a mystery and so I will start at the beginning, or at least the beginning of when we had Cale, and hopefully the title of this blog "Dreaming New Dreams" will make more sense. I hope you enjoy it and I welcome ANY and ALL feedback.