...but I have officially become a "Twilight Junky".
This is hard for me to admit because for years, ever since the first book was released, I scoffed at all the people who had become lovers of vampires. I never read fiction books, only non-fiction, and so I didn't dare try and see what all the fuss was about. I was flabbergasted by the "Team Edward" and "Team Jacob" shirts that girls all across the country started wearing. How stupid, I thought. I was especially skeptical of my sister because, for any of you reading this that know her, she can read the same book twenty times and never get bored. She was a Twilight junky, always buying the books on their release date and seeing the movies on opening night. I thought to myself, "isn't she a little old to be so engrossed in this enormous teeny bopper fad?" I'm not sure how many times she's read the books but I'm guessing she's read through all four more than once . What a waste of time, I thought.
It wasn't until a few months ago, while the third movie was still in theaters, that my mom told me I should watch the movies. Pfff, yeah right! I have zero interest in vampires. She countered me by telling me that the movies were more romance than anything else. Okay, she had perked my interest a little. I'm not one to resist a good love story. So it was on a Friday night that Alex and I drove around to every movie store in Missoula looking for the first Twilight movie. With the invention of Redbox I'm surprised movie stores even exist. We had zero luck and I was genuinely disappointed.
"Why on earth was I so set on watching this stupid movie?"
Thank goodness I married a problem-solver because once we got home and Alex realized I wasn't going to give up pouting, he bought the movie on iTunes so that we could watch it after the kids went to bed.
I was surprised at how fast I became enthralled with it and the characters. "Okay, so this is what all the fuss is about!"
We finished the first movie around 11:00 and I knew that I wouldn't be able to sleep until I saw the second one. Alex rented that movie on iTunes, not bothering to buy it, too. We finished the second one and as if I didn't already know this after watching the first one, I was hooked. I needed to see the third movie in theaters or I wouldn't be able to go on. Dramatic, I know.
Our next available date night was spent watching Eclipse. I felt like a total loser sitting in the movie theater but I didn't care. I didn't care that I had become such a hypocrite.
I just finished the first book last night and have started in on the second one. I have stayed up far past my bedtime, which is usually right after the kids go to bed around 9:30, and Alex has caught me with my light on well past one o'clock in the morning, my eyes glued to the pages of these silly books. It's still a little hard for me to believe.
You can bet that once the fourth movie is released in theaters, I will be there on opening night wearing my "Team Edward" tee-shirt, unashamed and totally excited.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
My heart
Yesterday I found the ultrasound picture of our third child stuck to the bottom of our big blue garbage can. I opened the lid to throw away one of Riley's toxic diapers and that familiar photo of black and white caught my eye. In shock, I just stared at it for a few seconds. Knowing that if I looked at it any longer, or worse, dared to retrieve it from the bottom of the garbage can, I would have burst into tears and scared my in-laws who are currently visiting us from Washington. Even now, sitting here typing this, I'm sad to know that the only picture we have of our lost baby is stuck on the bottom of a nasty, smelly, big blue garbage can.
I don't know how or why that ultrasound picture made it into the garbage. Perhaps it's because I have enough to fill an entire scrapbook that I thought I would wait to keep the ones that actually showed somewhat of a resemblance of a baby. Those first glimpses of babies just look like itty-bitty blobs. Precious blobs, but blobs all the same.
Today was the first time I've cried about the miscarriage in probably a couple of months. So I give myself a B+ in terms of how I'm doing. I would have never guessed how painful and emotional a miscarriage is on a person. To be honest, I think my ability to cope has a lot to do with the antidepressants I am taking. Antidepressants are a slippery slope for me. I took them for a very short time after Cale was born and was still in the hospital. I went off of them quickly thinking I could handle things on my own. Thankfully, with only a few slip-ups here and there, I was able to get along without them just fine. This time, however, I NEED the help. Without help I was choosing very poor ways to cope, and really those ways only made things worse and not better. With my husband's urging, I decided to talk to my OB/GYN about the things I was feeling and he suggested I go on a mild antidepressant. After about a month I decided I was all better and stopped taking them. Not a good idea. I again slipped back into deep sadness and tried to find ways to cope on my own. Those ways did not help, and again, just made things worse. With my husband's pleading I went back on the drugs and seem to be doing pretty well presently.
I think one of the hardest things I face on a daily basis is watching my best friend grow her baby in her belly. I was so excited when I found out she was pregnant and even more excited to find out that I was due only a week after her. We have been pregnant with both of kids together and I just knew this third time around would be something special we could share with each other. I see her growing and see her getting to find out the gender of her baby, and although I am genuinely excited for her, it's just a huge reminder of what I'm not able to experience because of the loss of our baby. Last week we could have found out if we were having a boy or a girl.
I guess I always thought having a miscarriage was something that happened, was over, and then people moved on. I never would have guessed I would be thinking about dates and wondering when I should have felt the baby move for the first time, or when they could open and close their eyes. I miss my baby and still struggle with trying to make sense of why he or she was taken from us. I know God's plans are perfect and that He does not make mistakes, but even the comfort of that knowledge sometimes can't take the pain away.
I don't know how or why that ultrasound picture made it into the garbage. Perhaps it's because I have enough to fill an entire scrapbook that I thought I would wait to keep the ones that actually showed somewhat of a resemblance of a baby. Those first glimpses of babies just look like itty-bitty blobs. Precious blobs, but blobs all the same.
Today was the first time I've cried about the miscarriage in probably a couple of months. So I give myself a B+ in terms of how I'm doing. I would have never guessed how painful and emotional a miscarriage is on a person. To be honest, I think my ability to cope has a lot to do with the antidepressants I am taking. Antidepressants are a slippery slope for me. I took them for a very short time after Cale was born and was still in the hospital. I went off of them quickly thinking I could handle things on my own. Thankfully, with only a few slip-ups here and there, I was able to get along without them just fine. This time, however, I NEED the help. Without help I was choosing very poor ways to cope, and really those ways only made things worse and not better. With my husband's urging, I decided to talk to my OB/GYN about the things I was feeling and he suggested I go on a mild antidepressant. After about a month I decided I was all better and stopped taking them. Not a good idea. I again slipped back into deep sadness and tried to find ways to cope on my own. Those ways did not help, and again, just made things worse. With my husband's pleading I went back on the drugs and seem to be doing pretty well presently.
I think one of the hardest things I face on a daily basis is watching my best friend grow her baby in her belly. I was so excited when I found out she was pregnant and even more excited to find out that I was due only a week after her. We have been pregnant with both of kids together and I just knew this third time around would be something special we could share with each other. I see her growing and see her getting to find out the gender of her baby, and although I am genuinely excited for her, it's just a huge reminder of what I'm not able to experience because of the loss of our baby. Last week we could have found out if we were having a boy or a girl.
I guess I always thought having a miscarriage was something that happened, was over, and then people moved on. I never would have guessed I would be thinking about dates and wondering when I should have felt the baby move for the first time, or when they could open and close their eyes. I miss my baby and still struggle with trying to make sense of why he or she was taken from us. I know God's plans are perfect and that He does not make mistakes, but even the comfort of that knowledge sometimes can't take the pain away.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Helllooo out there!
Wowzer! It has been an incredibly long time since I've posted anything and for that I must apologize. Summers are always crazy and this one is no exception. I've had plenty on my mind and plenty that I could have written about, but to be honest every time I sat down at the computer I just could not find the right words. So today I decided to say "screw it" and even if my thoughts come out as one big jumbled mess that do not make any sense, so be it!
We have had a pretty eventful summer so far, if you can even call it that. Missoula has been very mild with only a handful of days when the A/C was absolutely necessary. The old-timer farmers are predicting this is the last week of summer for Montana, which makes me want to go into a downward spiral of depression. I am not ready to be housebound for the next nine months.
On the upside, we have got to enjoy a few trips to the local water park. Cale has mastered going down the kiddy slide all by himself which makes Alex and I smile from ear to ear. Riley, of course, does anything and everything on her own -- with or without our permission. She is one independent child with no sense of fear. She climbs up anything, jumps from any height, runs in any direction, and slides down anything worthy of being called a slide. She makes me incredibly nervous but at the same time I'm so very thankful she has the ability to be so daring. Cale's trials remind us not to take anything for granted -- even the ability to suck through a straw or eat a popsicle on a hot summer day. Riley amazes me more and more each day.
Aside from the water park, we just got back from a long weekend up in Big Fork, MT. My parents rented a condo in the heart of downtown and so we met them up there to enjoy a few days playing in the water and checking out the local Arts Festival. We rented a boat one of the days and even though the weather was less than ideal, all four of us (myself, Alex, my mom and my dad) got to enjoy some knee boarding and water skiing. Cale had literally been asking for a "boat" two weeks before we left and so his weekend was MADE by being allowed to ride in the boat. Riley, on the other hand, took naps in the boat. She was obviously not as thrilled about the whole thing. The most enjoyable thing I got to do during the four days we were there was play golf with my dad at Eagle Bend, just the two of us. I had so much fun and I just wish we were able to do that more often. We laughed a lot and just got to enjoy an activity that we used to do so often together. It was a perfect day.
Alex's mom and step-dad are at house right now visiting from Seattle. Cale and Riley have been spoiled beyond belief with having been with grandparents back-to-back. Next week will be interesting, for sure. They leave on Sunday and I think we are heading to Flathead Lake tomorrow to play in the boat some more. I know that's what Cale's vote is. :)
So there's a very brief update on what we've been up to the past couple of months. I really want to write about Cale and some of the progress he's made so hopefully I won't wait too long before sharing.
I hope everyone is having a terrific summer and that you are able to enjoy however long is left of it! :)
We have had a pretty eventful summer so far, if you can even call it that. Missoula has been very mild with only a handful of days when the A/C was absolutely necessary. The old-timer farmers are predicting this is the last week of summer for Montana, which makes me want to go into a downward spiral of depression. I am not ready to be housebound for the next nine months.
On the upside, we have got to enjoy a few trips to the local water park. Cale has mastered going down the kiddy slide all by himself which makes Alex and I smile from ear to ear. Riley, of course, does anything and everything on her own -- with or without our permission. She is one independent child with no sense of fear. She climbs up anything, jumps from any height, runs in any direction, and slides down anything worthy of being called a slide. She makes me incredibly nervous but at the same time I'm so very thankful she has the ability to be so daring. Cale's trials remind us not to take anything for granted -- even the ability to suck through a straw or eat a popsicle on a hot summer day. Riley amazes me more and more each day.
Aside from the water park, we just got back from a long weekend up in Big Fork, MT. My parents rented a condo in the heart of downtown and so we met them up there to enjoy a few days playing in the water and checking out the local Arts Festival. We rented a boat one of the days and even though the weather was less than ideal, all four of us (myself, Alex, my mom and my dad) got to enjoy some knee boarding and water skiing. Cale had literally been asking for a "boat" two weeks before we left and so his weekend was MADE by being allowed to ride in the boat. Riley, on the other hand, took naps in the boat. She was obviously not as thrilled about the whole thing. The most enjoyable thing I got to do during the four days we were there was play golf with my dad at Eagle Bend, just the two of us. I had so much fun and I just wish we were able to do that more often. We laughed a lot and just got to enjoy an activity that we used to do so often together. It was a perfect day.
Alex's mom and step-dad are at house right now visiting from Seattle. Cale and Riley have been spoiled beyond belief with having been with grandparents back-to-back. Next week will be interesting, for sure. They leave on Sunday and I think we are heading to Flathead Lake tomorrow to play in the boat some more. I know that's what Cale's vote is. :)
So there's a very brief update on what we've been up to the past couple of months. I really want to write about Cale and some of the progress he's made so hopefully I won't wait too long before sharing.
I hope everyone is having a terrific summer and that you are able to enjoy however long is left of it! :)
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