"It's the most wonderful time of the year..."

Life these days has been busy, busy, busy! I thought Cale starting preschool would slow things down a bit but it has done the complete opposite and sped things up! Instead of relishing in the five hours he's gone during the week, my mind is flooded with the errands I should be running, the bathrooms that need cleaning, or the floors that need scrubbing. I know I should be relaxing with Riley and enjoying her but instead I find myself running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Perhaps after we have adjusted to this new schedule I will learn how to manage my time a bit better.

Cale has recently started doing a few new things that are completely adorable! During dinnertime he patiently waits with his hands folded and his head bowed until all of us have sat down and prayed. It is too cute! And being that it is Christmas time and the masses of people are out and about shopping, traffic has been terrible! I literally cringe when I realize I have to brave the roads and run an errand. Apparently Cale doesn't like the traffic, either; he signs the word "go" when we have to sit in traffic for too long and just this morning, after we had sat behind someone at the ATM machine for far too long, Cale frowned his lip and waved his hand at the car in front of us. Too funny! Even though he can't vocalize any words yet, we are finally at a point where we can pretty effectively carry on a conversation with him. I have yet to finalize a signing chart for his preschool teacher but he probably has over thirty signs he uses without us having to prompt him. We have only seen a glimpse of his frustration of not being able to vocalize his exact needs and for that I am very grateful. Cale is one of the most patient, understanding, and forgiving people I know. I also realized today that I haven't cried about Cale being different in a long time. In fact, I don't remember the last time I cried. The last emotion I recall having when thinking about our circumstances was pure thankfulness. Cale continues to make me a better person and I am so blessed to be his mother. I honestly would not change him for the world. God wasn't messing around when he made Cale. :)

Riley is now seventeen months old and keeps me on my toes every second! She is hilarious and makes me laugh until my belly hurts. One of her new activities is to slide like a ROCKET on her stomach down our stairs. (We have a set of fourteen stairs and so this is quite the show) It used to scare me tremendously but I have since gotten used to it and so now I just think it's funny. She has adopted most of Cale's signs and I think they have even created a few of their own to talk about Alex and me behind our backs. :) Her favorite sign is "chicken" because it involves "pecking" your hand like a chicken would peck the ground. She involves sound effects and all. She loves her brother and as much as I pray that she will stay a mommy's girl forever, she is slowly becoming partial to her father. The only way I can comfort myself with this realization is knowing she will have a great relationship with Alex, much like the one I have with my dad, and also thanking the Lord for providing her with a father. Watching her get so excited for him to get home from work is quite cute.

Christmas is only four days away and I can hardly believe it. My parents are coming to our house this year and I am excited to make Jesus a birthday cake on Christmas Eve and for homemade cinnamon roles on Christmas morning. This truly is one of the most wonderful times of the year...

Snow blobs, backpacks, and girl time!

*Sigh* I've made it through two full week of Cale going to preschool and let me just tell you, I AM LOVING IT! Who knew how easy things would be with just ONE child? Going to the grocery store, the mall, INSIDE of a coffee shop rather than having to use the drive-up are just a few of the luxuries I've been able to enjoy during the two-and-a-half hours that Cale is learning away. I have soaked up every minute that I've been able to be alone with Riley, because unlike Cale, she hasn't had much one-on-one time with us. She is at such a fun age and I've been reminded lately through friends and other different circumstances that although my kids, at this age, make me want to rip my hair out at any given moment and start screaming out the windows, this time truly is precious and someday I will want these days back again. With that thinking I believe I have truly been able to enjoy my kids more while Alex is at work. I previously would stare at the clock and wait until lunchtime when he would come home for a few minutes to grab a bite to eat, and then after he left I would stare at the clock until it was time for naps, and then HALLELUJAH! Dad came home from work!!! Now, though, I have started to miss my kids while they nap and when we put them down for bed at night, I can't wait to wake up in the morning and see their precious faces. Weird, I know.

Today the kids and I spent a good twenty minutes getting ready to have our first play day in the snow! Without too much crying about why we had to wear snowsuits and gloves we finally made it into our backyard, and the white winter wonderland that was just waiting for little people to make a mess of things lay perfectly still before us. That's how I pictured it in my mind anyway. First step out the door and both Cale and Riley started to cry. "Okay, just act like a complete goofball so they know it's supposed to be fun and eventually they'll come around, right?" So I'm out there flopping around in the snow, making snowmen, throwing snowballs at them and...NOTHING. Beneath their hats I could just see two little people staring at me as if I'd lost my mind. Cale couldn't walk because his boots were a little too big and chunky and I'm pretty sure Riley thought she might step into a big crevasse if she put one inch of her foot on the snow. I managed to keep their crying at bay while I put them both in the sled and drug them around our yard for a few times. I caught Cale smiling once so I know he had a little bit of fun but Riley kept a straight face the entire time. I even think I saw her raise an eyebrow at me as if saying, "Mom's lost her mind if she thinks I am going to have any fun at all." Soooo, perhaps they just need a little more time to adjust to the fact that snow is indeed one of the best and most fun things about winter. As for me, my dream of watching my kids make snow angels and try to stick their tongue to something metal will have to wait for another day...

On a side note, today is my dad's birthday!!! If being a parent myself has made me realize anything, it's been how great of parents I had while I was growing up. I honestly could not have dreamed up a better dad. I attribute me choosing such a great husband because of how great my dad is. Seriously, I love him so much and I just wish we lived closer so we could see one another more often. If you're reading this, Dad...HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I love you!

I hope everyone is getting close to completing their Christmas shopping...it's CRAZY out there!!!

First Day of School

When I first began thinking about having children, and even before that, I never put much weight into the concept of "preschool". I honestly thought preschool was just another term for daycare. After having Cale and making the choice to be a stay-at-home mom, I figured he could learn whatever he would at preschool better at home, with me. If left up to me, Cale would not go to preschool. But once we learned Cale would face great challenges developmentally, school flew off my radar. It was my desire to keep Cale locked in a box, safe at home, where the cruelty of other kids could never touch him. I didn't even know what his options for schooling were, anyway. I figured it best to just never really even think about it.

About a year ago, though, the idea of preschool was brought up to me by someone who follows Cale closely through the Child Development Center. From our conversation about preschool, it would be a matter of "when" and not "if" he would attend. Once he turned three, she said, he would be eligible to start. Six months later we started the necessary paperwork but I still wasn't soaking in the reality that he would, one day, go to preschool.

Last month we had two meetings at Jefferson School where Cale would attend. They put him through a series of tests to determine where his strengths and weaknesses were so that they knew how to better serve him. I was becoming more and more comfortable with this idea and began to understand that these people were Cale's allies and that preschool would be of great benefit to him.

Cale turned three last Sunday and today we had our last and final meeting at Cale's school. We developed a plan and a set of goals for his teacher to work towards. He will get speech, physical, and occupational therapy at the school. He will be in a classroom with both normal and "not normal" developing children. His classroom has a pet bunny, lots of different centers such as writing, drama, sensory, art, and reading. It was bright and cheerful and it immediately made me feel at ease when I walked through the door. "Cale is going to LOVE this!" I thought. Right now there is only one other little boy in the class but they expect to get more children soon, but never exceeding twelve. This means lots of one-on-one time for my little boy which I am thrilled about!

After talking a little bit with his soon-to-be teacher she asked if we had any more questions. Naturally, I asked when Cale would start, thinking that we had originally planned for sometime in January after the craziness of the holidays had passed. She asked if he could start as soon as next week. "Next week!" I thought. I obviously was not as comfortable with this idea as I thought because I immediately started to cry. I don't really know the reason behind the tears other than I'm just amazed at how fast kids grow up. I also can't really imagine a chunk out of the day when I'm not with him. For three years I've spent every moment with him and have known exactly what he's done. I've been right there for EVERYTHING and it makes me sad knowing that if he does something well or if he learns a skill for the very first time that I won't be there to clap for him and cheer him on. I suppose that is what will be the hardest thing for me to accept when I drop him off and drive away.

On the other hand, though, he will be learning things that I can't teach him. He will undoubtedly become more independent and maybe, for the first time, I will get to experience the joy Alex does when Cale gets excited to see ME when I pick him up from school! He will make friends and be able to show me what he's learned at the end of each day. I'm excited for that. I will also get a little break during the day and be able to spend some one-on-one time with Riley; something she's never gotten whereas Cale had that for the first twenty months of his life. A little mother-daughter bonding time will be good for my soul.

Cale's first day of school is Tuesday, which means I only have a few days to go school shopping for him. First thing on my list: a backpack! Come on, how cute is Cale going to be with a little backpack strapped to his shoulders?

My Angel

Church was over, the kids were fed, and it was finally my time to go to the gym while our babies slept soundly in their beds for naptime. I love Sundays for this very moment.

Rather than listen to my iPod during my work out, I decided to try reading instead, so I picked up a copy of "Guidepost" that had obviously been flipped through by many people before me because the cover was torn off and I'm pretty sure several of the pages were missing. I decided to give it a try anyway. For those of you who have never heard of Guidepost Magazine, it is very similar to Readers Digest although it is focused on stories of faith and Christ. Today, maybe this is exactly what I need.

I spent about twenty minutes reading heartwarming stories focused around Christmas time and what the spirit of Christmas is really about. These stories made me feel good but it wasn't until I reached page 56 that my heart was truly engaged in the words that were printed on the page. This particular story was about a boy named Josh. Josh had Downs Syndrome and was in the seventh grade. During his schooling, he never went anywhere without his aide. She was there with him during gym class, art, lunch time, and even on the bus ride home. Josh was getting especially excited for a particular Christmas choir concert that was coming up. He worked with a sepearate tutor for many hours that helped prepare Josh to be able to sing on the risers with all of the other students - alone, without his aide. This would be the first major event Josh would be without someone right by his side to help him if he needed it. When it came time for the concert, Josh was very excited. He wore a blue sweater vest and a bright red tie. His parents sat nervously in the audience, praying to God that everything would go smoothly. Josh's aide sat in front of his parents and at one point she reached back and squeezed the mother's hand and tried to calm her fears by telling her Josh was going to do great. The choir started to sing and Josh's mom slowly began to relax as she saw that no one was even noticing the boy in the middle row that was a little off key. She breathed a sigh of relief. But then it was time for the choir students to light their individual candles. It started with one student's candle and then they were supposed to light the candle to the person on their left, and so on. Josh had experssed to his family earlier that he was most excited for this part! When it came time to light Josh's candle, the boy to Josh's right was having a really hard time getting Josh's candle to light. Several awkward seconds passed and the boy got frustrated and gave up on trying to light Josh's candle. Josh's big, warm smile quickly turned to a frown. Josh's mom was in the audience holding back tears and praying, "Why this too? Why does he have to stand out as someone different in this event too? Why can't he just enjoy this one moment?" But just then, the boy on Josh's left tried to light his candle again and when he realized that Josh's candle was not going to light, the boy switched candles with him and gave his to Josh instead. Josh's smile appeared again and his mom and dad were in the audience, weeping, and thanking that boy who had given up his candle for their son. Whoever that boy was, he knew how important it was for Josh to hold a lit candle and he made it happen for Josh.

So here I am, sweating and peddling faster and faster on this bike, and tears are just pouring from my eyes. This story could be Cale someday and I can only pray that he will have friends in his life that will make a self-sacrifice to help Cale in his time of need. I'm sure I looked like an idiot, sweat pouring from my face and mixing with my tears, but today, you see, is Cale's third birthday and so I'm a little more emotional than maybe on a regular day.

My little boy is three years old now. I go back to that day when I woke up, irritated because I knew I was on bedrest and would most likely just being laying in bed all day long until Alex got home from work. I had been up since about 2:00 in the morning experiencing contractions, but given the events that had taken place a week prior, the contractions were nothing new and so I figured laying in bed was the best thing to do. Five hours later and I was wrestling with whether or not to mention to Alex that the contractions were pretty regular and getting a little stronger, about eight minutes apart. I decided not to tell him and let him go to work as planned. After all, he had sat with me in two different hospitals that always told me the same thing: stay on your medication that should hopefully stop the contractions and DON'T MOVE. I would hate to go to the hospital again and waste four more hours of our life just to hear the same thing. Alex left for work and I tried to go back to sleep. Turns out that if you don't close your eyes and just stare at the clock the entire time, sleep isn't really an option. By 9:00 in the morning the contractions are starting to feel different and are now about three minutes apart. I start to panic a little but I still don't call Alex. I wait a little longer, maybe an hour, and decide that something is definitely not right and so I call my husband at work. I tell him what's going on and he tells me to call his mom to have her bring me to the hospital. Some of you may think he's not being very supportive but you have to understand this has happened twice now and we have never gotten any different news. If something indeed had changed, he would be at the hospital in an instant. My mother-in-law came to pick me up, I hobbled downstairs, got into her car and we headed for the hospital. She insisted I use a wheelchair but I refuse. She insists some more and so I give in. I don't really have the energy to put up a good fight. She wheels me down the hall and we wait in the Labor and Delivery Unit for what seems like an hour while they get a room ready for me. The contractions are annoying, not really painful, but we sat outside the nursery and so looking at all of the newborn babies helped keep my mind off of my body and all that was going on. My room was finally ready and they put me on monitors to keep track of my contractions and my baby's heart rate. At this point I am starting to get scared and so my mother-in-law leaves to go down to the gift shop and brings me back a stuffed bear and a few magazines. Keep in mind, I have no idea that having a baby today is even a possibility. I was probably the most naiive pregnant woman on the face of the planet. I try to flip through some of the magazines and then something happens that makes me shoot up in the bed and scream to the nurses that something is wrong. I didn't know until weeks afterwards what had happened right then, but I was later informed that my water had broken. At 31 weeks pregnant, there were all of a sudden a dozen people in my room rushing around and talking very fast with one another. I was scared, crying, and all I wanted was for Alex to be there to hold my hand. Luckily, my mother-in-law is very good with these kinds of situations and she had already put in a call to Alex and within a few minutes he walked through the door. I don't know if it was because I was scared or if it was due to what was happening with my body, but I became so ferociously cold that I clung to the bed rails and shook uncontrollably. I later learned Alex wasn't scared until he saw me shaking like that. A few more minutes passed and my doctor was finally there. She looked at the monitors and after briefly talking with the nurses, she looked at me and said, "We're going to have a baby today." At that moment I burst into tears. I may have been naiive but I knew that it was way too early for my baby boy to be born. I didn't even know if babies could survive being born at 31 weeks. Alex and I were both terribly frightened. Luckily, a neonatologist came in and tried to prepare me for what was about to happen. Cale's hear rate was dropping with each contraction and since he was so little, a C-section would be our only option. I had always desired a natural birth but by this time anything I had imagined was far gone out the window. She told me that he may or may not cry when he's first born but that there will be a team of specialists right there to make sure he's given any medical intervention he might need. I specifically remember her saying that babies born at 31 weeks are a "breeze". She told me not to worry, that everything was going to be fine, and at that very moment I let my grip go from the bed rail, stopped shaking, and looked at Alex and told him I wasn't scared anymore.

At 1:17 PM on November 29, 2006, Cale Alexander Burkhalter was born, weighing 3 lbs and 16 in long. My little peanut. He did indeed cry when they first pulled him from my belly and I will never forget the softness and helplessness in his voice. I saw him for a few seconds before the whisked him to the NICU and it wasn't until 36 hours later that I got to hold him for the very first time.

Today, on November 29, 2009, he's a healthy, happy, wonderfully created three year-old. Some people may look at him and see what's wrong, and no doubt there are days when I, too, focus on what is wrong with him, but today I am reminded that his life is a miracle. Ever since he entered this world he has had to fight for everything. He's experienced more challenges, I believe, in his three years of life than I ever have. And when he was diagnosed with cerebral palsy at six months of age, seeing how far he's come on his thrid birthday brings tears of joy and thankfulness to my eyes.

God is good and He made Cale perfect. In God's eyes, He sees no flaws - only perfection. And today, perfection is all I see, too.

I love you, Sweet Boy. You are my angel.

Life these days

I have spent the last nine, COUNT THEM - NINE, days sick. Boo. It started with a headache, progressed to a full body ache that lasted four or five days, off and on nausea, and then finally tapered off with what seems like a head cold. Today is the first day I haven't taken any Tylenol, Ibuprofen, or Sudafed. Perhaps I'm on the mend...hooray! Although having to take care of my kids during the day was complete misery, my darling husband took them out of the house as soon as he got home from work so that I could just go to bed. Thank goodness for husbands. My respect and sympathy for single moms continues to grow and even more so during these times. I was complaining to Alex during one of my "poor me" moments, laying on the couch, whining about how terrible I felt, and asking him why even though I had prayed to God for this illness to leave my body every day since I felt it coming on, what "good" God was trying to accomplish by not healing me. Alex responded, "it's made me appreciate you more."

Okay. I suppose nine days of sickness was worth it. :)

In other news, in addition to Cale walking, my kids have been absolutely delightful. Each day I find myself giggling at them, trying to catch a glimpse of their play without them noticing, and pausing to just thank the Lord for bringing them into my life. Riley is at a GREAT age; she entertains herself well and walks around the house all day long, jabbering up a storm, and playing games with herself that only she understands. She loves trying to put her own socks and shoes on, or anybody's shoes for that matter, and tries multiple times throughout the day to climb into the dishwasher. She is a bit of stinker when it comes to eating because she wants to be completely independent in this area and also would rather play than take the time to eat, but other than that I really have very little to complain about. She throws fits when I take toys away from her that she's stolen from her brother or friends but seems to get over them rather quickly. She loves wrestling with Cale and watching Thomas the Train with him. They play remarkably well together and for that I am extremely grateful. Cale was a big enough blessing to last my entire life and it just amazes me that He gave me Riley, too. Children are so magnificent!

Even though staying home and raising my kids takes up 99% of my time, I have recently found a couple of outlets that help remind me that I am more than JUST a mom. I have gotten into a rather good routine of waking up around 5:00 in the morning and going to the gym. It started out as a desire to get my body back after having Riley but has since become more therapeutic. I've noticed on the days I don't go to the gym I tend to get a little more crabby a little bit easier. I feel sluggish throughout the day and veer towards focusing on what's NOT going right rather than on what IS going right. Once at the gym, I put on my headphones and spend the next hour and a half listening to playlists consisting of MercyMe, John Waller, Third Day, Jeremy Camp, Casting Crowns, Barlow Girl, and other uplifting artists. It's a time when I can clear my head, pray, vent, or simply spend half an hour on the treadmill and walk away saying, "What in the heck did I just think about for the last thirty minutes?". It's amazingly therapeutic to have that time to just spend with myself. I'm not able to have that time during the day when the kids are demanding my constant energy and attention, and even when they are napping my mind is repeatedly going over what I should be getting done around the house. I think I've mentioned before that it's also amazing to be able to take a shower in peace and blow dry all of my hair, all the while leaving the gym with both eyes wearing mascara. (I can't tell you the amount of times I've noticed mid-day that I forgot to put mascara on the other eye) That is what I call a glorious morning!

I've also been volunteering with the high school youth group up at our church. It's nice to remove myself from my little bubble and be reminded of the things going on outside of it. The kids are hilarious and energetic and I have a whole new and different appreciation for the youth group workers that put up with me for the four years I was in high school. Wow. In addition to helping with that on Wednesday nights, Alex and I help lead a "Life Group" on Thursday nights. Life Groups are basically just small groups of adults that meet at homes throughout the week and discuss a story from the bible. Our life group has some of the greatest people and friends I've ever come across. It's so refreshing to spend time with these kinds of people. We laugh and have fun, all the while devoting time to be serious with one another and care about what's going on each other's lives. It's great. Not to mention that it's two hours kid-free! Hey, those times are important and very much needed!

So that's basically what I've been up to lately. I'm gearing up for Cale's 3rd birthday and getting him ready to start preschool in a few months but more on that later. I'd like to thank everybody that has celebrated and rejoiced with us when Cale started walking! The body of Christ is truly amazing!!!

It seems almost too good to be true...

...that Cale is walking.

It was only one or two months ago that I was laying in bed and trying to come to grips with the fact that it may be another few years before he started walking. Keep in mind, this was the "best case scenario" I had created in my head. Cale walking has always been an "if", never a "when". Our physical therapist mentioned to me about a year ago that she predicted Cale to independently walk at maybe two years of age, but prepared me that it may take him until he was three, four, or even five years old. Age two came and there were clearly no signs of him walking anytime soon. Age three, as I told myself as I way laying in bed that night a month or two ago, was coming quickly and even though Cale had progressed, I still thought independent walking was a big "IF". I never allowed myself to assume that he would walk, but instead went to the other extreme and started thinking of what kind of house we would need with a child in a wheelchair. Stairs would obviously be a big "no" and it would need wide hallways, big bathrooms, and an entry that was ramp accessible, not to mention countless of other things. I started to seriously consider options of new vehicles that would fit a wheelchair. I've always thought vans and wheelchairs were two peas in a pod and it took some serious pride negotiations on my part to come to grips that I may very soon be the proud owner of a van. Yes, I admit I had some stereotypes to families who drove a van but ever since I made owning a van myself a realistic possibility, I have kicked those stereotypes right out the door. Just to make that very clear. Two and a half years ago when Cale was first diagnosed, the thought of having a child who couldn't walk or ride a bike, run and play with his friends (assuming he even had any...kids can be so cruel), throw a baseball or swing a golf club, or even just participate in normal school activities, was enough to make me not want to live anymore. In heaven I wouldn't have to deal with the pain of having a child with a disability.

Fast forward two and a half years...

I have a child with a disability and he's absolutely amazing. He has far more character than I do and works harder than any child I've ever known. He believes in himself and has more self-confidence than any other three year-old probably should. He has no shame and and truly lives like no one else is watching. When God tells us to become like children, I get this picture of Cale. I can't imagine my life without him and even more importantly, I can't imagine the person I would be if God hadn't brought Cale into my life. Cale has been my life's greatest lesson, greatest reward, and greatest test. I have more patience, more compassion, more empathy, more love, more faith, and more hope that I never could have had if it weren't for Cale. My life, because of him, is ongoing proof that God is good, even during life's greatest challenges. I have come a long ways from the day when I thought dying would have been better than living.

Oh yeah, back to Cale walking. CALE'S WALKING!!! I have no idea what happened in the last few weeks but all of a sudden he's decided that walking is actually a better and more convenient way of getting from point A to point B. He's still wobbly and looks like an infant who's just finding his legs, but he's walking. He falls down, a lot, but he's walking. It's still hard for me to comprehend how huge this milestone actually is and so I'm not really going to go into how this has changed me, but I will tell you how proud Cale is of himself. You should see the smile and look of accomplishment he gets. He knows he's doing something amazing and even though he can't verbalize his emotions, I picture him saying something like, "Look, Mom...I'm finally doing it! Do you see me, do you see me, do you see me??? Clap for me because I'm amazing!" And he does love the attention, let me tell you. He makes sure to look in the eyes of every person in the room before he starts off, JUST to make sure they are looking and going to participate in the celebration after he reaches his destination. I'm not sure when, or if, I will ever stop clapping and rejoicing with him. Seeing the joy in his face is enough to bring me to tears. I love seeing him so happy.

Cale walking, like I've said before, doesn't cure him or make his disability any less, but it sure is amazing and is a huge testament to the work that God is doing in his life. He turns three in twenty-three days and even though he won't be running around with his friends at his birthday party, you can bet that he'll be toddling after them.

PRAISE GOD!

If you need me I'll be with my therapist

Yes, that's right. I'm seeing a therapist. Although I don't like to use the word "therapist" because it sounds too clinical. I'd rather say I'm in counseling. Yes, that sounds much better???

After months, and possibly even years, I have dealt with different levels of anxiety. For a long time I think I was successful at dealing with the anxiety on my own, but ever since Cale was born and more prominently over the last six months, it has gotten so bad that I've had to seek outside help.

What does this anxiety look like, you ask? Well, that's a good question. It's almost always related to my health and the fear that something is wrong. I think my greatest fear is having something happen to me and then not being able to be there for my kids as they grow up. Perhaps this is irrational but I've actually talked to several other mothers who fear the same thing. The problem with my fear, though, is that it leads to full-blown panic attacks. My heart races so fast to the point where it feels like it's going to explode through my chest, I get light-headed and feel like I'm going to pass out, I start sweating and can't stop fidgeting. During these said panic attacks, I literally believe with all my being that I am breathing my last breaths. I have gone through a handful of tests to make sure that I am healthy, God bless my poor husband, but before these were done I went to the ER once in fear that I was having a heart attack, and have also driven to the ER twice to just sit in the parking lot until the panic attack passed. This behavior is not normal and I recognized that, which is why I decided to start seeing a therapist, I mean counselor.

I'm definitely not "healed" but every day gets a little better. I'm able to rationalize in my head that, most likely, I am not dying. My panic attacks, which used to happen at least once and maybe even twice a day, are now only occurring weekly. I was prescribed a drug to help manage my attacks but as of now I am not taking it anymore. I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Alex has been going with me to my therapy sessions to help give my "counselor" a bigger picture of what my anxiety really looks like. It turns out that having him there makes it a lot of fun. I literally look forward to my time with her and having Alex there has also given him tools on how he can help me when I'm going through my anxious periods. He no longer just rolls his eyes and says "deal with it" but he's very sympathetic, compassionate, and understanding. We spend a lot of the time laughing and making fun of each other which has given a new spin of flirtatious fun into our marriage. Being able to talk to him about my anxiety and having him realize that it's an actual issue for me and not just something I'm making up in my head has helped tremendously. It's amazing how healing being able to say something out loud can be.

I've often wondered why I get anxious and worry, especially since God's word tells us specifically not to be anxious and not to worry. Health wise, I understand and believe that I am not in control, but for some reason that is what is on top of my worry list. I want to be here for my kids and watch them grow, which is where a lot of my worry is spawned from. One woman told me that most people go about life thinking "that won't ever happen to me" and perhaps my worry has started because I've had something happen to me that most people say "that would never happen to me". Giving birth prematurely and then finding out my child has a disability isn't something that most people think will happen to them. But it happened to me and it awoke the realization that I have zero control and that God can and will do whatever He wants. I have a great fear and respect for the Lord and I pray that some day I will find complete peace in understanding that I have zero control.

Until then, though, I'll be with my therapist.

Random Thoughts

I cannot, CANNOT, believe that tomorrow is Halloween. Where did October go? More importantly, are Thanksgiving and Christmas really just around the corner? Wow, I'm not ready for this.

I'm back home in Missoula after spending last week in Billings with my family. Alex stayed here and the kiddos and I spent seven days and nine nights at my parents' house. It was a delightful change in scenery and even though Alex wouldn't admit it, I think it was good for him to have some time for himself as work has been extremely busy and stressful the last several months. My mom and I shared many laughs and as always, I enjoyed the time I got to spend with my dad. I have the best parents in the world. And the icing on the cake was that I got to spend a night catching up with some friends that I haven't seen in nearly fiver years, maybe longer. Hopefully there will be more of that when I make to that end of the state again.

Alex and I are a part of a small group through our church. We help lead a group of about seven married couples and, last night, instead of our usual meeting at a house, we went to a local assisted living home to play bingo with a bunch of elderly people. Oh my goodness, I had a blast! We started the night by joining them in their nightly exercise class, which basically just consisted of tapping your toes on the ground, clapping your hands, and wiggling your fingers. We ended the night with a few games of bingo and quickly realized how unprepared we were in the eyes of these sweet elderly people. They were quite upset that we didn't come equipped with prizes and beverages and I'm pretty sure one lady told us we couldn't ever come back when we told her we were done and had to go home to rescue our children from the babysitter. She was honestly and unashamedly very upset. Next time, and I truly hope there is a next time, we will come with prizes and beverages and hopefully more time to play more games of bingo. I want to win over their hearts because I'll be honest, I love old people.

I finally got Cale and Riley vaccinated for the seasonal flu. I also got Cale vaccinated for the H1N1 but unfortunately they were out of the vaccine for Riley. I'm honestly not too worked up about this year's flu season but I, myself, always get my flu shot and have gotten my kids vaccinated every year. This year is no different.

Some things I hope to write about in the near future are:

• Counseling. I like to use the word 'counseling' rather than 'therapy' but either way I am seeing a therapist to help me with my anxiety issues. So far it's been nothing but fun and I actually look forward to our sessions. Hmm....
• Babies. I've gotten quite a reaction from people about my talk of a third child and Alex and I have come to a decision regarding said talk.
• Cale. He has started walking up a storm and I can only pray that it won't be long before he uses that as his main mode of transportation.
• God. I feel like Alex and I are at a crossroad in our life and we've both spent a lot of time praying about what's in our future. I can't wait to share what we've discovered!

I hope everyone has a great Halloween and enjoy the last few days of October!

B Town

The kids and I are in Billings and have been since yesterday evening. I wanted to spend an extended amount of time here, longer than just a weekend, so that I could hang out with my family and possibly some friends that I haven't seen since forever ago! It turns out the "extended" amount of time that I will be in Billings is eight whole days. This would normally be heaven but I had to leave my better half behind in Missoula and so it makes this trip bittersweet. I am, however, so excited to spend so much time with my parents and hopefully get in some good quality bonding with my sister, too. Plus, tonight the Broncos take on the San Diego Chargers and there's no better person to watch a Bronco game with than my dad. :)

My poor family has been hit with what I am sure is the H1N1 flu. None of us have officially been diagnosed, mainly because it's a lot of money and none of us are ill enough to be hospitalized, but it's really taken a toll on our health. Riley definitely has it the worst and she is going on day eight of a fever, cough, runny nose, and refusing to eat. Grr. There's nothing more frustrating to me than a child who doesn't eat! I think it stems back to the days when it took all of our might and energy to get Cale to drink 2 oz. of formula when he was just an infant. He was hospitalized twice for refusing to eat and so even though I know this situation is completely different from Cale's, I still get a bit defensive when anyone in my family chooses to skip the whole eating gig. I've been praying tirelessly for better health and so hopefully we will see some improvement in the next few days. I hate it when my kiddos are sick because I want nothing more than to take away their misery, but alas I guess these sorts of things just need to run their course.

As I was driving away from Alex and headed here, my mind kept wandering toward the thought of, "I wonder what it would be like to be home alone, for an entire week, without the kids?". Since the kids were born I don't think I've been alone for more than two hours...literally...and so wrapping my mind around the thought of a week, seven whole days, 168 hours, is simply impossible. The freedom I would have boggles my mind. To Alex's defense, he says he's going to hate being away from us and he'll most likely fast for seven days since he'd rather go hungry than make himself a sandwich. He says he made a list of things he wanted to accomplish around the house, one task for each day that I'm gone, so hopefully I will come home to pristine living conditions and an organized garage. (downsizing for us has really only meant shoving things in our garage, and eventually I would like to park my car in there when the wintery cold weather settles in for the next five months.) I miss him already and it hasn't even been 24 hours. I give props to those wives out there that have to be away from their husbands for considerably longer times than that! I guess I'm a bit of a wuss, but what can I say, I love that man more than words could ever describe.

There are certain things about being at my parents' house that I just adore. For example, I immediately have a new and complete wardrobe, shoes and all! My mother "allows" me access to her closet which makes packing for this trip a breeze! When I still lived here after high school I was terrible at putting things back where I found them and so sometimes I got reprimanded for wearing her things, but I like to think that I have improved immensely in this area and hopefully she has the full confidence that everything will be exactly where she last put it. Also, my mom has the nice and expensive makeup! Since getting married, having children, paying a mortgage, and trying to make sure my kids have enough food to eat, makeup has been real low on the priority list. Sometimes I wear it, sometimes I don't, and even when I do, it's the cheap stuff found at Target and Wal-Mart. I have no problem buying this kind of makeup but it's still really fun to think that the more expensive stuff makes me look prettier. :) And a more recent perk to staying with my parents is that my dad has gotten into the silversmithing business, and when I say "business" I really mean just a hobby. He loves it (or so I think) and so when I come here he generally lets me pick out certain designs of jewelry and stones that I want him to make for me. My jewelry box at home is almost running out of room but that is totally okay with me! Jewelry is my beloved friend and I say the more the merrier!

Going back to that part about never being alone from the kids for more than a few hours and not even being able to imagine that? Well, I apparently don't mind that I have a toddler attached to each hip for more hours out of the day than not, because Alex and I have seriously been "considering" trying for a third child. I've written about this in previous posts but never actually took myself seriously. Well, I brought up the idea to Alex and he told me he would think about it. Thinking is good. Thinking doesn't necessarily mean making any decisions. During Alex's "thinking time" and even months before I actually brought up the idea with him, I prayed HARD about adding to our family. Two kids is a lot of work and I'm guessing three kids is just plain suicide. I want what is best for our family and especially what is best for Cale. Would a third child take away the attention that Cale needs, or would a third child help him along in the same way Riley has helped? There is an endless list of pros and cons and to be honest it's all too overwhelming. All of my friends are pro baby and so we get nothing but grief from them...in a good way of course. Alex and I do make some darn good babies that it would be a shame to stop at two. In my mind I needed someone that would tell me I was completely crazy and the best person for that job was my mother. So yesterday as we were driving to her house I very casually mentioned to her that Alex and I were thinking about having another baby. To my complete and utter surprise, she thought it was a good idea. This is coming from the woman that nearly passed out in her mashed potatoes when we told her we were pregnant with Riley during Thanksgiving dinner. (Note: probably not the best time to deliver that news) I think she was just worried that we would experience the same kind of complications with Riley that we did with Cale, but now that we know I'm capable of delivering a full-term baby, I think the idea settles much easier with her now. Uhhh, I don't know. I'm still praying HARD and asking God to give me, US, clear direction, but I think in this case it might take Him coming out of Heaven and bonking me on the head to get the message across. A letter would be nice, too.

So there you go. I'm in Billings for a week, missing my husband, living like a celebrity with a whole new wardrobe and jewelry maker, and thinking about voluntarily admitting myself into a psyche ward with my three children. Here's to a happy week!

Twenty-eight!

I'm a little hesitant to even blog about this number - 28 - because I'm hopeful that today this number will be even higher!

Cale has successfully taken twenty-eight independent steps, ALL ON HIS OWN. I realize that is kind of redundant given that is the definition of "independent", but I am so over the moon about this that I can't really say enough to make it seem as HUGE as it really is! AAAAAHHH, I am just so proud of him I can barely contain my excitement!

Seeing him walking three or four steps on his own, don't get me wrong, was incredible in and of itself. There was a time when we thought he would never even be able to do that. Yesterday, though, seeing him walk across an entire room with a grin from ear to ear was enough to make me want to run and down the streets screaming with joy! (Can you imagine? I'm sure the CPS would come to my home and take my kids away!) What was even more incredible than watching him walk was seeing how proud he was of himself. For years now we have seen him try and try and try again, whether it be with sitting, crawling, standing, stacking blocks, walking, etc., etc., etc., and even though he has always been a determined trooper, I think there was always a bit of disappointment and frustration in himself. Not yesterday, though. He was so proud of himself and for the first time I saw in his eyes that he was saying, "See Mom, I knew I could do it!" I was with a group of friends at the time but I'm sure if I was by myself there would have been tears pouring from my eyes.

I'm not naive and I know that twenty-eight steps doesn't mean he will definitely walk on his own someday, but this is the first time I have truly felt and believed that independent walking is a real, achievable goal for him. Trying to be a good mom and an eternal optimist, my prayer has always been for him to walk on his own, but I always left a little room in my heart so that if it didn't happen for him, my heart wouldn't break. I also realize that even if he does learn to walk independently that that doesn't immediately solve all of our problems. Walking doesn't equal cured. Walking, like any other milestone in a child's life, simply opens up so many new doors for him!

I remember when our physical therapist told me to hope for Cale to walk before he was two, but to expect that it may take him three, four, or maybe even five years. I was absolutely horrified and refused to accept that I would have a child that wasn't walking at three years of age, much less four or five. Now, one month shy of his third birthday, I am filled with nothing but pure thankfulness that he is as far along as he is. Learning to deal with and LOVE his disability isn't dependent on the milestones he reaches or the new skills he acquires. Going back to that day when I would have rather checked out and given up after hearing the news that Cale may never walk, and even if he did, it might not be until he's five years old, and then seeing how far we've come as a family to accept Cale and love him even more because of his disability, has taught me that our family is much more capable of weathering the storm than we ever thought we could be.

It's kind of funny to see how God responds when he hears his children say, "I can't do this. I would rather die than have to deal with this." I'm sure I'll have more moments in my lifetime when I find myself saying those words again, but hopefully I will have learned by then that "yes, yes I can".

God will always and faithfully pull us through.

Four years and counting...

It was exactly four years ago today that I was driving down Poly Drive in Billings, MT, sticking my head out the window of Alex's Toyota Tacoma and yelling at the top of my lungs, "I'm getting married today!!!"

Today marks our four-year wedding anniversary, which I believe is a great accomplishment because during those four years I've seen couples get married and divorced, but to be honest it feels like we've been married for so much longer, and not for the reasons you're probably thinking. :) I never really thought it was possible to pack so much of life into four short years but apparently anything is possible. If we were still on the plan we set for ourselves when we first got married, we would JUST now be thinking about starting a family. Ha, now we're starting to think if two kids is enough or if maybe we want to try for a third. What is that saying, "we plan and God laughs"?

Alex and I definitely set out on the fast track. I first met Alex when I was a senior in high school. I was dating a guy who was a freshman at the University of Montana and Alex just so happened to be his roommate. I was always intrigued with him but nothing ever went beyond friendship. Things got complicated once I moved to Missoula to attend the U. I moved off campus the second semester of my freshman year as I could no longer stand living in the dorms. I moved into an apartment with some girlfriends, one of which was Alex's girlfriend. A stone's throw away in another apartment lived my boyfriend who had continued being roommates with Alex. We saw a lot of each other, Alex and I, but still nothing ever went beyond friendship. I remember him teasing me a lot and pulling pranks on me so I guess one could say there was always a bit of affection there. After a year and a half at the U and breaking up with my boyfriend, I decided to move back to Billings and attend college there. Roughly two years after I had moved back, I got a surprising phone call from Alex saying that he was in town on business and wanted to know if I was available to have dinner. I accepted and after spending the evening with him, realized that perhaps there was more to our relationship than simply friendship. We met each other again the very next day for lunch and as he was walking me back to work, he asked if he could start calling me more and maybe explore the possibility of there being something more between us. I sheepishly agreed and I remember skipping back into work, not breaking my smile for the rest of the day. I was giddy. This all happened in March of 2005.

Our first date, you could say, was in Big Sky, MT. Since he lived in Missoula and I in Billings, we decided to meet halfway and spend the weekend skiing. It was the first weekend in April and the conditions could not have been more perfect. The sun was bright, the sky was big, and the snow was phenomenal. I think he may have put his arm around me on the chairlift but I think I was too nervous and so I can't fully remember. I do remember him kissing me on the forehead before we parted ways back to our respective towns. Driving home from that trip I knew something special was starting.

For the next two or three months we e-mailed, spent hours on the phone each night, and tried to spend a weekend together here or there as our schedules allowed. My parents adored him and encouraged our relationship from the start.

June 25, 2005. I boarded a Big Sky Airlines flight from Billings to Missoula to spend the week with Alex. The plan was to spend a few days in Missoula and then to drive to Seattle so that I could meet his mom for the first time. (For those of you who know me well, the simple act of getting on that plane screams true love since I am petrified of flying!) I got off the plane, spotted Alex leaning against a wall, reading a newspaper, and ran over to him, ecstatic for our week ahead. We drove back to his apartment to drop off my bags but once we got there he said he had a surprise for me. He locked me in a room while I could hear him wresting with something out in the living room. When he gave me permission to come out, I was surprised to see a picnic set out for us on his living room floor. (I later learned he had planned for an outdoor picnic but the weather did not cooperate.) He had all the essential picnic goodies - fruit, cheese and crackers, chocolate, a bottle of champagne??? Once I saw the champagne I thought maybe something was up but I honestly don't even recall us ever discussing marriage or the possibility of getting engaged anytime soon. After all, we had only been dating for three months so there was no way he was going to propose, right? We snacked on the food, laughed, and after a bit of time had gone by he told me he had a present for me. Completely oblivious, I started to unwrap his gift and even after I noticed it was a ring box I still had no clue what was coming. I opened up the box, saw the ring, and immediately closed it and gasped! A million random thoughts ran through my head in just a few seconds and I couldn't even start to comprehend what was happening. I think Alex got nervous since I closed the box so quickly, but once I started to calm down and he started into his speech about how much he loved me, it finally started to sink in that he was indeed proposing! I have no idea what he said but I do remember opening up the box again, making sure that it was still an engagement ring, and then getting teary-eyed and saying "YES!". Holy crap, I just got engaged! We finished our picnic and not really knowing what to do next, we decided to hike the M. Random.

He had planned an engagement party in advance, which to me says he was pretty confident that I would accept his proposal, and so later that evening we met up at his parent's house where his parents and all of our friends waited for us to announce the great news. It was a great evening and an absolutely perfect day.

So, we started dating in April of 2005, got engaged in June of that year, and then married in October. Hey, when you know who you're meant to spend the rest of your life with, why wait? :) Seven months after we were married we learned we were expecting our first child and then before his first birthday, we found out we were expecting a second one. Wow, just putting that in writing makes me tired.

In summary, we've done a lot during our first four years together. I couldn't imagine my life without him and he truly is my better half. We are so completely opposite that we fit together perfectly. I can't wait to see what happens next!

On a MISSON

I've been trying, and have been rather successful, at going to the gym in the mornings before the kids wake up. It jumpstarts my day in a way that keeps me feeling refreshed and one step ahead of my little monsters! I'm able to shower at the gym, in PEACE, taking my time to actually blow dry my hair and put on ALL of my makeup...things that aren't always possible with two little ones dictating my every minute. I love coming home and being able to watch a little bit of the Today Show before the kids wake up. That, to me, is a glorious morning!

Last night I set out my workout clothes, put together my makeup bag and included shampoo, conditioner, and all other necessary shower items. I put it all downstairs so that when the alarm clock went off at 5:00am, all I had to do was roll out of bed and go.

I finally plopped into bed at around 10:00pm and hoped that I would quickly fall asleep. I watched the clock hit 11:00...and then 12:00...and the last time I glanced at it it was well past 2:00. 5:00am was going to come a lot quicker than I hoped. During those hours of restlessness, my mind went back and forth between where Cale is now and where he will be years from now. I wrestled with why he hasn't reached as many gains as quickly as his therapists have predicted. Feelings of guilt overwhelmed me and it felt as though that guilt grew little fingers and they were digging inside of my brain, making it impossible for my thoughts to go anywhere else. "Am I not doing enough?" "If I spent more time working with him throughout the day maybe he would be walking by now!" "I'm supposed to be his biggest and best advocate and I feel like I am failing him!"

These thoughts nearly brought me to tears and suddenly I went from feeling like a pretty darn good parent to a lazy, slimy, poor excuse of one. I equated myself to those parents you see sitting on the porch, cigarette in one hand, beer in the other, all the while their kids are running around with nothing but a diaper on. Maybe I shouldn't be so focused on trying to keep the house clean and instead take more time to work with Cale. Would he be walking if I wasn't so obsessed with dirty floors? Would he be eating better if I wasn't always trying to stay on top of the laundry? Maybe he would be more effective in communicating if I didn't try and distract him with cartoons while I loaded the dishwasher.

These thoughts are like poisoned vines and can easily suffocate you if you aren't careful.

It is so hard to balance letting him be just a kid and also realizing that he needs to work a lot harder than most kids do, so that one day hopefully he can be "just a kid". He has to work for EVERYTHING and no type of play is simply play - everything has a purpose and a goal associated with it. His therapists are constantly pushing him to the next thing, never satisfied with the gains he's made, but always looking towards what he SHOULD and CAN be capable of. There's little room for celebration and always a reminder that he's not where he should be. "Great. He took five steps. Good. Now take ten!" I wish I could just relish and celebrate the five but there is no time for that. Keep going, keep going, keep going. If I feel this way I can only imagine what Cale must feel. That said, his therapists are doing exactly what they need to be doing. I have no doubt that Cale would be miles behind where he is now if it weren't for the help of his "entourage". Some days, though, I wish he were normal and we didn't have to deal with all of this extra stuff.

I kind of got a little off track. Back to what I decided last night during my sleeplessness. I am on a mission, for one week, (because I think that's manageable and after that we'll see how things go) to focus HARD on doing all I can to maximize Cale's success. I'm going to work with him on preschool activities, set up little obstacle courses in our living room that he has to walk through, set aside two times during the day that he has to put in a valiant effort to eat solid foods, and not stress so much about housework. For one week I think I can do this without totally losing my mind.

I know and believe with all of my heart that Cale has the potential to be and to do anything he desires. He has the strongest determination and perseverance of anyone I know and because of that I feel like he can reach the stars. As his mom, I want nothing more than to help him feel like he's doing his best, and last night I realized that even though I feel like my reserves are empty and dry, I have a little bit more zing and pizazz hidden deep that only the love for my children can bring out.

My biggest fear is that I will have regrets. "What if I would have done more?" I don't want that thought to haunt me years from now when Cale comes home from school and breaks down in tears because he was teased by his peers. I, of course, have love overflowing for him but I just pray the rest of the world will give him the chance to be loved.

$$$

Let me begin first by saying that God is faithful. The next best thing to experiencing His faithfulness in your own life is watching Him fulfill His promises in someone else's life.

My high school friend and her husband won a house. A HOUSE!!! I won't go into detail of their story (mostly because I don't know their whole story!) but I'll just skim the surface by saying that her husband, B, suffers from a congenital heart defect and recently collapsed and had to be flown to Seattle for surgery, testing, etc.. This family does not have health insurance and due to B's recent health scare, he has not been able to work. They have a one year-old son. I cannot even begin to imagine the fear, stress, and complete dependence on the Lord that this situation has brought upon them. They were living in an apartment before but now have been blessed with a $400,000 brand new home! The house that they won was built to raise money for St. Jude Children's Hospital and when I think of the fact that this house could have gone to anyone - a retired wealthy couple who had money to spare? a family who already owned their own home? a single man who had homes scattered across the country? - I get goose bumps because God knew exactly who this home was going to go to when it was being built! I cannot think of a more deserving family and it almost brings me to tears when I think of His faithfulness. God will provide in the strangest and most surprising ways!

When I think of their story I am reminded of how God has provided for my family over the past three years. We were fortunate enough to have health insurance when Cale was born two months early but I cannot even begin to imagine how different things would be for us if we didn't. Money has been tight for us and being that I am not the financial provider, money isn't always on the top of my stress list. For my husband, however, it's a daily - if not hourly - worry.

I want to share just a few of the ways God has continued to provide and fulfill His promises to us. Two years ago we received a bill from the hospital. This was the first bill we were going to have to pay that was going to send us backwards. It was also time to write our tithe check. If we chose not to tithe, we would have enough money to pay the hospital bill. Alex came to me and asked me what we should do. Without giving it a second thought I immediately told him we had to tithe, no matter the circumstance. He wrote our tithe check. The very next day we received a check in the mail for $1000 from our church! God had provided just as He said He would. More recently, Alex has been working incredibly hard at work. This year is the toughest year he's seen since he took his job back in 2004. He's been incredibly stressed and since he's been working so much we really haven't seen him much over the last couple of months. About two weeks ago there was a knock on our door. I contemplated answering it because I saw that it was someone I did not know. For whatever reason I decided to answer it. There was a lady standing there holding a box, she handed it to me, smiled and said good-bye. I immediately opened it and found a small stuffed animal with a letter attached. The letter contained a message about a family that had nominated us to receive money from a foundation that was set up in honor of a local family's daughter that had lost her battle with cancer. With the letter was a check. Again, during a time when we were stressed about money and the future, God had proven His promise to us.

Those are only two examples but we have many, many more! God is GOOD.

On a side note, Cale turns three in November. Because he is turning three that means he is no longer eligible to receive money from the Child Development Center. Since we started receiving their services they have helped pay a portion of Cale's therapies. News of this has been weighing heavily on me and even more heavy on Alex. They didn't pay for much but every penny helps. Last week we heard about a waiver that Cale can possibly apply for. It's called a PD Waiver and to be honest I don't know exactly what that is. All I know is that Cale would automatically receive Medicaid (because right now he is not eligible for Medicaid) for the rest of his life, which would mean he could have as many therapies as he needed without cost to us!!! This is HUGE and would lift an incredible financial burden off us. I'm supposed to hear more back later this week but I will definitely be praying hard for this to happen for us!

Money, money, money. Can't live with it - can't live without it. (Sigh)

Riley Dean the Drama Queen!

Let me begin this post by saying that I am completely content with two children. Count them, TWO. Three would be too many and one would not be enough. Two is perfect; one for me and one for Alex, therefore we are never outnumbered. I've got two arms and two legs, one for each if need be. I have the blessing of having one of each, a boy and a girl, thus I don't feel like I'm missing out on raising a different gender. My kids are both beautiful and healthy, great sleepers, and very well tempered. One might raise the question, "Why rock the boat in trying for a third child when life right now is seemingly perfect?"

I found out tonight that one of my friends is pregnant.

What is it about seeing a pregnant woman that makes you yourself want to be pregnant, also? Seriously, I don't want a third child but I would definitely become pregnant again if the outcome wasn't another baby. I loved being pregnant and for a brief moment tonight I thought, "maybe another one wouldn't be so bad? I could handle it...right?"

Wrong!

Hopefully by putting this in writing will help me to realize that I'm completely insane and I indeed lost my mind for a few moments. Two kids is enough. Two kids is ENOUGH.

The goal of this post was to update you all on my little Miss Riley but I thought that putting out the idea of a third child to you would hopefully spawn a slap in the face or something greater to snap my mind back into reality.

Okay, back to Riley. She is a DRAMA QUEEN! Raising a girl is so much different than raising a boy. Cale loves to get messy and smear food around in his hands but the other night Riley FREAKED out when her plate tipped over and her dinner fell off the plate and onto her high chair tray. A full blown fit ensued for the next fifteen or twenty minutes. She carries her blanket everywhere she goes and if she's not carrying that she is almost always carrying a spoon, her toothbrush, a sippy cup, or some sort of toy. She carries things everywhere! She's getting more brave, climbing onto anything and everything, going up and down the stairs constantly, and just the other day I found her wandering around in the middle of our cul-de-sac. Yikes! I guess leaving the front door open to let her play on our porch is no longer an option. She loves playing hide and seek from Cale, reading books, and going to the park. She has also become quite the social butterfly. She'll pretty much walk up to just about anyone and asked to be picked up and she's started to "play" and run around with her peers. Fun, fun!!! Her hair just recently got long enough for me to put into little ponytails, which based on the fits she throws if I even get near her hair makes me wonder if it's even worth it. Regardless, I've had fun trying to do it. :) She used to love eating but it seems more and more that it's often a battle to get her to eat anything. She would much rather play than stop to sit down and have a meal. When she does eat, she loves hot dogs, string cheese, and fruit snacks. Yummy? She has also started to talk which has been so much fun! She can only say a few words including "mama", "dada", "kitty", "dog", "ball", "cheese", and "moo". What's been ever more fun than hearing her first words, though, is watching her pick up sign language from Cale. We've definitely encouraged her to sign but haven't put a lot of effort into teaching her, therefore all she knows is what she's learned from Cale. She can sign "please", "more", "I'm sorry", "thank you", "you're welcome", "work", "fish", "eat", "drink", "light", "train", "yes", "horse", "cheese", "open", and probably a few more that I'm forgetting. She's pretty cute and Cale's speech therapist has even asked me if she can film Riley for a children's signing video. She continues to make me laugh all day long and I never get tired of seeing her walk around and just figure things out on her own. It truly is amazing to watch a normal developing child. I hope and pray that I never lose my gratitude and appreciation for all that she can do. Watching her walk is simply amazing! I often find myself sitting back and just watching her play, all the while my heart swells up for the enormous amount of love I have for this child. I didn't think it was possible to love someone else as much as Cale but Riley sure has made it easy for me. I can't wait to watch her grow in the upcoming years!

All that said, Cale is still my first love. For whatever reason he has become quite the affectionate little man as of late. He has never been one to cuddle or snuggle but the last few weeks he has reached out his arms for me to just hold him. He'll wrap his arms around me, nestle his head into my shoulder, and just hug me for minutes on end. It's so sweet and I've found myself sitting on the couch a lot more. :)

I have a lot to update on Cale but I'll save that for another time. Remember, two kids is ENOUGH.

Summer of '09!

I was driving down the street today and noticed the leaves on the trees are starting to change. Is summer really over, and even more shocking, is fall already here? Wowzer.

The summer of 2009 marks one for the history books. Filled with weekend getaways to the lake, daily treks to the park, WATER, family, and "firsts" for our little Riley made this summer so memorable. It's going to be a little harder to say good-bye to this one...

Let me take you back to the summer of 2007. Cale had just been diagnosed that May and Alex and I were still floating around in this world of confusion, shock, grief, disbelief, and the BIG unknown. We were alive and breathing but I don't think either of us understood the concept of "living". For me, it was a daily choice to wake up each day and face the challenges and reality of the situtaion we were now in. I was depressed, plain and simple. I didn't want to go anywhere, I didn't want to do anything, and I made every excuse as to why it was best for me to just stay at home and be alone. I didn't want to see anyone. I lost a lot of weight and have never cleaned so much in my entire life. My house was always spotless. I was prescribed an anti-depressant but stopped taking them within a few weeks because I didn't think I needed them. Note: definitely not one of my wiser decisions but I was convinced I was fine, and even if there was something wrong, I was determined to fix it under my own strength. With the mindset of always wanting to be alone and never wanting to go anywhere, our summer never had an opportunity to be anything but boring. We made it through those three or four months without incident.

Moving forward to the summer of 2008. This summer can be summed up in one word: PREGNANT! I was due in mid-July which made everything just a little more complicated. We couldn't venture too far from home and I honestly cannot recall any major events. By now my depression was long gone! I was thrilled to be pregnant and so excited to make Cale an older brother. We had more of a picture of what to expect with Cale, which didn't necessarily make things easier but it definitely lifted some of the worries we had for him. I LOVED being pregnant, therefore each day was full of smiles and lots of laughs. The one thing I remember so vividly of that summer was taking long walks after dinner, not only for the exercise but also for the hope of inducing labor. That summer our little Riley was born and our lives were changed forever!

And now to the summer of '09. Flathead Lake, Seattle, Billings, Big Sky, McGregor Lake, Spokane. We traveled almost every weekend this summer and can be validated by the fact that we only attended church once. ONCE! Crazy! We spent several weekends up at Flathead swimming, boating, riding the wave runner, and watching our kids have a blast. Once you become a parent it's way more fun to watch your kids have fun than it is to have fun yourself. I love watching them smile and enjoy life! We learned that Cale LOVES to swim and that Riley is a bit of a scardy cat. Cale loves to ride in the boat while Riley falls fast asleep once it starts moving. They played in the Sound, toured Pike Place Market, stepped on "gooey ducks", swung from a rope swing, watched a wedding, went to the zoo, caught a fish, rode a wave runner, intertubed, watched a geyser, floated a lazy river, rode a camel AND a horse, and spent hours and hours playing at the park. I know I'm forgetting a handful of things but that is just a taste of what our summer was all about. I love being a family of four and even more than that, I love that we held nothing back. We didn't limit ourselves to anything and never made an excuse as to why we couldn't do something. We just did it and we did it with gusto! I'm so proud of us and not because we were able to survive countless nights of our kids sleeping in the same room, but because we have come so far from the summer of 2007. Emotionally it is still hard and I still fight those same emotions of "why us" and "why can't he just run around and play with the other kids", but I've learned a whole new appreciation and love for my family. It is perfect and just as God intended it.

Here's to making this upcoming Fall just as GREAT!

Items on the Table

Have you ever had so much to say that you can't possibly decide where to begin? I have not posted in over three weeks, which in my mind is simply unacceptable, and might lead one to think that my life must be sadly boring and I have absolutely nothing to say.

Not the case.

So much has happened and every time I sit down to write I end up with one huge run-on sentence that has no reasonable beginning or end and does not make one ounce of sense that I just give up.

Get it?

So I've decided to break up the items I want to write about (not all at once of course) so that my goal of touching on each subject is a little more feasible. Below are the topics I hope to write on during the course of the next couple of weeks.

• Our summer adventures and why this summer has been one of the best summers of my life.
• My issues with anxiety. It's gotten so bad that I can't just chalk it up as simple worry.
• Cale starts preschool in a few months which has opened up pandoras box of new emotions.
• Riley and her new developments! She always keeps me on my toes!
• Alex's and my four-year wedding anniversary!

I hope to be able to collect my thoughts quickly so that my blog doesn't collect any more dust. :)

Ramblings on Cale...

Last night I had a "fly on the wall" moment. I have wished many times throughout my lifetime that I could have one of these but now that I have, I give Life permission to never give me one ever again.

I was sitting amongst a group of high school students, in the front row of about ten, and so I could easily hear the mumblings and grumblings of the forty or fifty students behind me. On this particular evening, the students were being asked to volunteer to read some scripture that was projected on a big screen in front of them. Acting like typical high schoolers, very few wanted to volunteer. There was one boy, however, that raised his hand at nearly every opportunity offered. As he read more and more words, I noticed that he had a slight speech impediment. By slight, I mean that you could easily understand what he was saying but you could definitely notice that some letters weren't pronounced correctly. In my mind I applauded this boy for volunteering so many times, even though it was difficult for him to read through the sentences without stumbling over words. For the other high school students, though, his struggle was simply bait for criticism and ridicule. Thankfully, their gestures were mumbled under their breath and I don't think this boy ever noticed, although I'm sure he's had his fair share of embarrassment and hurt in the past. In the setting of a church youth group I was appalled that these students could still be so harsh, which left me wondering what the environment at his school must be like for him.

I suppose I'm a little hyper-sensitive to this topic due to the recent events of the last few years of my life. It's a no-brainer that Cale will endure the same criticism and ridicule I witnessed last night. He will be teased and laughed at and I'm sure there will be people that pass him by without even noticing his existence. This pains me only because I know that even though Cale will appear to be different, he's just like any other kid on the inside. He has emotions and will undoubtedly be hurt by the taunting and teasing of his peers. As his mom, it will take supernatural self-control not to lash out at these people. Like I've said before, I dread the day when Cale asks me why he is different from the other kids at his school. How do you convince a child that God is good even through the stares, mocking, and torture that they deal with on a daily basis?

One thing that is near impossible for me to admit is that I easily could have been one of those high schoolers making fun of the boy who kept volunteering to read. I vividly remember seeing and being around students with disabilities and waking on eggshells around them, thinking that they were somehow less human than I. I specifically remember a boy who was in my class from second grade until I graduated with him. He stuttered...a lot. It sometimes took him a whole minute to get past one word. My friends and I avoided him and would often poke fun when he was called on to read aloud in class. We were cruel, plain and simple. I never did any of this to his face but I'm positive he noticed our jeers.

To the defense of the high school students I was around last night, they probably just don't know any better. It took having a child with a disability of my own that ended up changing my heart. Which leads me to a long list of things that Cale has taught me during the short two years I have known him. I want to list just a few of those things below:

• He's taught me to be far less judgmental. Every person has a story behind them and rather than pass them off without another thought, my heart fills with compassion instead of judgment.
• He's taught me not to sweat the small stuff. So what if a child learns to walk at ten months and another learns to walk at eighteen months. Just be thankful they can walk. And heaven forbid a baby isn't weened of the bottle at exactly a year. They will eventually kick the habit when all of their peers in kindergarten start teasing.
• He's taught me how to grieve and yet still hold hope for tomorrow.
• He's taught me that perseverance and determination are two very important qualities for reaching your goals.
• He's taught me that having the mindset of "I think I can, I think I can, I think can" really does work.
• He's taught me that love won't always heal all wounds.
• He's taught me that I'm much stronger than I ever thought I could be.
• He's taught me that a marriage can easily turn ugly without God in it.
• He's taught me to fully appreciate the term "healthy".
• He's taught me the importance of listening when someone is suffering.
• He's taught me that I have God-given gifts that I never even knew about.
• He's taught me what unconditional love looks like in human form.
• He's taught me what "fearing the Lord" is.
• He's taught me that in the midst of suffering, there truly is a rainbow waiting for us on the other side.
• He's taught me that God has even wackier plans than I originally thought.
• He's taught me that I should never underestimate the power of family and friends.
• He's taught me that grief comes and goes but the pain never does. Just because someone might have lost a loved one ten, twenty, or thirty years ago doesn't mean the pain still doesn't live with them.

I really could go on and on. Cale has enriched our lives in so many, crazy ways. I still don't know what God has in store for him and maybe never will, but I do know that He is using the situation we're in for good. I'll never find myself not wishing that Cale were normal but I am grateful for him and for the fact that he's made me a better person.

I'm also proud to say that I'm confident he's made every person he's come in contact with a better person, too.