Random Thoughts

I cannot, CANNOT, believe that tomorrow is Halloween. Where did October go? More importantly, are Thanksgiving and Christmas really just around the corner? Wow, I'm not ready for this.

I'm back home in Missoula after spending last week in Billings with my family. Alex stayed here and the kiddos and I spent seven days and nine nights at my parents' house. It was a delightful change in scenery and even though Alex wouldn't admit it, I think it was good for him to have some time for himself as work has been extremely busy and stressful the last several months. My mom and I shared many laughs and as always, I enjoyed the time I got to spend with my dad. I have the best parents in the world. And the icing on the cake was that I got to spend a night catching up with some friends that I haven't seen in nearly fiver years, maybe longer. Hopefully there will be more of that when I make to that end of the state again.

Alex and I are a part of a small group through our church. We help lead a group of about seven married couples and, last night, instead of our usual meeting at a house, we went to a local assisted living home to play bingo with a bunch of elderly people. Oh my goodness, I had a blast! We started the night by joining them in their nightly exercise class, which basically just consisted of tapping your toes on the ground, clapping your hands, and wiggling your fingers. We ended the night with a few games of bingo and quickly realized how unprepared we were in the eyes of these sweet elderly people. They were quite upset that we didn't come equipped with prizes and beverages and I'm pretty sure one lady told us we couldn't ever come back when we told her we were done and had to go home to rescue our children from the babysitter. She was honestly and unashamedly very upset. Next time, and I truly hope there is a next time, we will come with prizes and beverages and hopefully more time to play more games of bingo. I want to win over their hearts because I'll be honest, I love old people.

I finally got Cale and Riley vaccinated for the seasonal flu. I also got Cale vaccinated for the H1N1 but unfortunately they were out of the vaccine for Riley. I'm honestly not too worked up about this year's flu season but I, myself, always get my flu shot and have gotten my kids vaccinated every year. This year is no different.

Some things I hope to write about in the near future are:

• Counseling. I like to use the word 'counseling' rather than 'therapy' but either way I am seeing a therapist to help me with my anxiety issues. So far it's been nothing but fun and I actually look forward to our sessions. Hmm....
• Babies. I've gotten quite a reaction from people about my talk of a third child and Alex and I have come to a decision regarding said talk.
• Cale. He has started walking up a storm and I can only pray that it won't be long before he uses that as his main mode of transportation.
• God. I feel like Alex and I are at a crossroad in our life and we've both spent a lot of time praying about what's in our future. I can't wait to share what we've discovered!

I hope everyone has a great Halloween and enjoy the last few days of October!

B Town

The kids and I are in Billings and have been since yesterday evening. I wanted to spend an extended amount of time here, longer than just a weekend, so that I could hang out with my family and possibly some friends that I haven't seen since forever ago! It turns out the "extended" amount of time that I will be in Billings is eight whole days. This would normally be heaven but I had to leave my better half behind in Missoula and so it makes this trip bittersweet. I am, however, so excited to spend so much time with my parents and hopefully get in some good quality bonding with my sister, too. Plus, tonight the Broncos take on the San Diego Chargers and there's no better person to watch a Bronco game with than my dad. :)

My poor family has been hit with what I am sure is the H1N1 flu. None of us have officially been diagnosed, mainly because it's a lot of money and none of us are ill enough to be hospitalized, but it's really taken a toll on our health. Riley definitely has it the worst and she is going on day eight of a fever, cough, runny nose, and refusing to eat. Grr. There's nothing more frustrating to me than a child who doesn't eat! I think it stems back to the days when it took all of our might and energy to get Cale to drink 2 oz. of formula when he was just an infant. He was hospitalized twice for refusing to eat and so even though I know this situation is completely different from Cale's, I still get a bit defensive when anyone in my family chooses to skip the whole eating gig. I've been praying tirelessly for better health and so hopefully we will see some improvement in the next few days. I hate it when my kiddos are sick because I want nothing more than to take away their misery, but alas I guess these sorts of things just need to run their course.

As I was driving away from Alex and headed here, my mind kept wandering toward the thought of, "I wonder what it would be like to be home alone, for an entire week, without the kids?". Since the kids were born I don't think I've been alone for more than two hours...literally...and so wrapping my mind around the thought of a week, seven whole days, 168 hours, is simply impossible. The freedom I would have boggles my mind. To Alex's defense, he says he's going to hate being away from us and he'll most likely fast for seven days since he'd rather go hungry than make himself a sandwich. He says he made a list of things he wanted to accomplish around the house, one task for each day that I'm gone, so hopefully I will come home to pristine living conditions and an organized garage. (downsizing for us has really only meant shoving things in our garage, and eventually I would like to park my car in there when the wintery cold weather settles in for the next five months.) I miss him already and it hasn't even been 24 hours. I give props to those wives out there that have to be away from their husbands for considerably longer times than that! I guess I'm a bit of a wuss, but what can I say, I love that man more than words could ever describe.

There are certain things about being at my parents' house that I just adore. For example, I immediately have a new and complete wardrobe, shoes and all! My mother "allows" me access to her closet which makes packing for this trip a breeze! When I still lived here after high school I was terrible at putting things back where I found them and so sometimes I got reprimanded for wearing her things, but I like to think that I have improved immensely in this area and hopefully she has the full confidence that everything will be exactly where she last put it. Also, my mom has the nice and expensive makeup! Since getting married, having children, paying a mortgage, and trying to make sure my kids have enough food to eat, makeup has been real low on the priority list. Sometimes I wear it, sometimes I don't, and even when I do, it's the cheap stuff found at Target and Wal-Mart. I have no problem buying this kind of makeup but it's still really fun to think that the more expensive stuff makes me look prettier. :) And a more recent perk to staying with my parents is that my dad has gotten into the silversmithing business, and when I say "business" I really mean just a hobby. He loves it (or so I think) and so when I come here he generally lets me pick out certain designs of jewelry and stones that I want him to make for me. My jewelry box at home is almost running out of room but that is totally okay with me! Jewelry is my beloved friend and I say the more the merrier!

Going back to that part about never being alone from the kids for more than a few hours and not even being able to imagine that? Well, I apparently don't mind that I have a toddler attached to each hip for more hours out of the day than not, because Alex and I have seriously been "considering" trying for a third child. I've written about this in previous posts but never actually took myself seriously. Well, I brought up the idea to Alex and he told me he would think about it. Thinking is good. Thinking doesn't necessarily mean making any decisions. During Alex's "thinking time" and even months before I actually brought up the idea with him, I prayed HARD about adding to our family. Two kids is a lot of work and I'm guessing three kids is just plain suicide. I want what is best for our family and especially what is best for Cale. Would a third child take away the attention that Cale needs, or would a third child help him along in the same way Riley has helped? There is an endless list of pros and cons and to be honest it's all too overwhelming. All of my friends are pro baby and so we get nothing but grief from them...in a good way of course. Alex and I do make some darn good babies that it would be a shame to stop at two. In my mind I needed someone that would tell me I was completely crazy and the best person for that job was my mother. So yesterday as we were driving to her house I very casually mentioned to her that Alex and I were thinking about having another baby. To my complete and utter surprise, she thought it was a good idea. This is coming from the woman that nearly passed out in her mashed potatoes when we told her we were pregnant with Riley during Thanksgiving dinner. (Note: probably not the best time to deliver that news) I think she was just worried that we would experience the same kind of complications with Riley that we did with Cale, but now that we know I'm capable of delivering a full-term baby, I think the idea settles much easier with her now. Uhhh, I don't know. I'm still praying HARD and asking God to give me, US, clear direction, but I think in this case it might take Him coming out of Heaven and bonking me on the head to get the message across. A letter would be nice, too.

So there you go. I'm in Billings for a week, missing my husband, living like a celebrity with a whole new wardrobe and jewelry maker, and thinking about voluntarily admitting myself into a psyche ward with my three children. Here's to a happy week!

Twenty-eight!

I'm a little hesitant to even blog about this number - 28 - because I'm hopeful that today this number will be even higher!

Cale has successfully taken twenty-eight independent steps, ALL ON HIS OWN. I realize that is kind of redundant given that is the definition of "independent", but I am so over the moon about this that I can't really say enough to make it seem as HUGE as it really is! AAAAAHHH, I am just so proud of him I can barely contain my excitement!

Seeing him walking three or four steps on his own, don't get me wrong, was incredible in and of itself. There was a time when we thought he would never even be able to do that. Yesterday, though, seeing him walk across an entire room with a grin from ear to ear was enough to make me want to run and down the streets screaming with joy! (Can you imagine? I'm sure the CPS would come to my home and take my kids away!) What was even more incredible than watching him walk was seeing how proud he was of himself. For years now we have seen him try and try and try again, whether it be with sitting, crawling, standing, stacking blocks, walking, etc., etc., etc., and even though he has always been a determined trooper, I think there was always a bit of disappointment and frustration in himself. Not yesterday, though. He was so proud of himself and for the first time I saw in his eyes that he was saying, "See Mom, I knew I could do it!" I was with a group of friends at the time but I'm sure if I was by myself there would have been tears pouring from my eyes.

I'm not naive and I know that twenty-eight steps doesn't mean he will definitely walk on his own someday, but this is the first time I have truly felt and believed that independent walking is a real, achievable goal for him. Trying to be a good mom and an eternal optimist, my prayer has always been for him to walk on his own, but I always left a little room in my heart so that if it didn't happen for him, my heart wouldn't break. I also realize that even if he does learn to walk independently that that doesn't immediately solve all of our problems. Walking doesn't equal cured. Walking, like any other milestone in a child's life, simply opens up so many new doors for him!

I remember when our physical therapist told me to hope for Cale to walk before he was two, but to expect that it may take him three, four, or maybe even five years. I was absolutely horrified and refused to accept that I would have a child that wasn't walking at three years of age, much less four or five. Now, one month shy of his third birthday, I am filled with nothing but pure thankfulness that he is as far along as he is. Learning to deal with and LOVE his disability isn't dependent on the milestones he reaches or the new skills he acquires. Going back to that day when I would have rather checked out and given up after hearing the news that Cale may never walk, and even if he did, it might not be until he's five years old, and then seeing how far we've come as a family to accept Cale and love him even more because of his disability, has taught me that our family is much more capable of weathering the storm than we ever thought we could be.

It's kind of funny to see how God responds when he hears his children say, "I can't do this. I would rather die than have to deal with this." I'm sure I'll have more moments in my lifetime when I find myself saying those words again, but hopefully I will have learned by then that "yes, yes I can".

God will always and faithfully pull us through.

Four years and counting...

It was exactly four years ago today that I was driving down Poly Drive in Billings, MT, sticking my head out the window of Alex's Toyota Tacoma and yelling at the top of my lungs, "I'm getting married today!!!"

Today marks our four-year wedding anniversary, which I believe is a great accomplishment because during those four years I've seen couples get married and divorced, but to be honest it feels like we've been married for so much longer, and not for the reasons you're probably thinking. :) I never really thought it was possible to pack so much of life into four short years but apparently anything is possible. If we were still on the plan we set for ourselves when we first got married, we would JUST now be thinking about starting a family. Ha, now we're starting to think if two kids is enough or if maybe we want to try for a third. What is that saying, "we plan and God laughs"?

Alex and I definitely set out on the fast track. I first met Alex when I was a senior in high school. I was dating a guy who was a freshman at the University of Montana and Alex just so happened to be his roommate. I was always intrigued with him but nothing ever went beyond friendship. Things got complicated once I moved to Missoula to attend the U. I moved off campus the second semester of my freshman year as I could no longer stand living in the dorms. I moved into an apartment with some girlfriends, one of which was Alex's girlfriend. A stone's throw away in another apartment lived my boyfriend who had continued being roommates with Alex. We saw a lot of each other, Alex and I, but still nothing ever went beyond friendship. I remember him teasing me a lot and pulling pranks on me so I guess one could say there was always a bit of affection there. After a year and a half at the U and breaking up with my boyfriend, I decided to move back to Billings and attend college there. Roughly two years after I had moved back, I got a surprising phone call from Alex saying that he was in town on business and wanted to know if I was available to have dinner. I accepted and after spending the evening with him, realized that perhaps there was more to our relationship than simply friendship. We met each other again the very next day for lunch and as he was walking me back to work, he asked if he could start calling me more and maybe explore the possibility of there being something more between us. I sheepishly agreed and I remember skipping back into work, not breaking my smile for the rest of the day. I was giddy. This all happened in March of 2005.

Our first date, you could say, was in Big Sky, MT. Since he lived in Missoula and I in Billings, we decided to meet halfway and spend the weekend skiing. It was the first weekend in April and the conditions could not have been more perfect. The sun was bright, the sky was big, and the snow was phenomenal. I think he may have put his arm around me on the chairlift but I think I was too nervous and so I can't fully remember. I do remember him kissing me on the forehead before we parted ways back to our respective towns. Driving home from that trip I knew something special was starting.

For the next two or three months we e-mailed, spent hours on the phone each night, and tried to spend a weekend together here or there as our schedules allowed. My parents adored him and encouraged our relationship from the start.

June 25, 2005. I boarded a Big Sky Airlines flight from Billings to Missoula to spend the week with Alex. The plan was to spend a few days in Missoula and then to drive to Seattle so that I could meet his mom for the first time. (For those of you who know me well, the simple act of getting on that plane screams true love since I am petrified of flying!) I got off the plane, spotted Alex leaning against a wall, reading a newspaper, and ran over to him, ecstatic for our week ahead. We drove back to his apartment to drop off my bags but once we got there he said he had a surprise for me. He locked me in a room while I could hear him wresting with something out in the living room. When he gave me permission to come out, I was surprised to see a picnic set out for us on his living room floor. (I later learned he had planned for an outdoor picnic but the weather did not cooperate.) He had all the essential picnic goodies - fruit, cheese and crackers, chocolate, a bottle of champagne??? Once I saw the champagne I thought maybe something was up but I honestly don't even recall us ever discussing marriage or the possibility of getting engaged anytime soon. After all, we had only been dating for three months so there was no way he was going to propose, right? We snacked on the food, laughed, and after a bit of time had gone by he told me he had a present for me. Completely oblivious, I started to unwrap his gift and even after I noticed it was a ring box I still had no clue what was coming. I opened up the box, saw the ring, and immediately closed it and gasped! A million random thoughts ran through my head in just a few seconds and I couldn't even start to comprehend what was happening. I think Alex got nervous since I closed the box so quickly, but once I started to calm down and he started into his speech about how much he loved me, it finally started to sink in that he was indeed proposing! I have no idea what he said but I do remember opening up the box again, making sure that it was still an engagement ring, and then getting teary-eyed and saying "YES!". Holy crap, I just got engaged! We finished our picnic and not really knowing what to do next, we decided to hike the M. Random.

He had planned an engagement party in advance, which to me says he was pretty confident that I would accept his proposal, and so later that evening we met up at his parent's house where his parents and all of our friends waited for us to announce the great news. It was a great evening and an absolutely perfect day.

So, we started dating in April of 2005, got engaged in June of that year, and then married in October. Hey, when you know who you're meant to spend the rest of your life with, why wait? :) Seven months after we were married we learned we were expecting our first child and then before his first birthday, we found out we were expecting a second one. Wow, just putting that in writing makes me tired.

In summary, we've done a lot during our first four years together. I couldn't imagine my life without him and he truly is my better half. We are so completely opposite that we fit together perfectly. I can't wait to see what happens next!

On a MISSON

I've been trying, and have been rather successful, at going to the gym in the mornings before the kids wake up. It jumpstarts my day in a way that keeps me feeling refreshed and one step ahead of my little monsters! I'm able to shower at the gym, in PEACE, taking my time to actually blow dry my hair and put on ALL of my makeup...things that aren't always possible with two little ones dictating my every minute. I love coming home and being able to watch a little bit of the Today Show before the kids wake up. That, to me, is a glorious morning!

Last night I set out my workout clothes, put together my makeup bag and included shampoo, conditioner, and all other necessary shower items. I put it all downstairs so that when the alarm clock went off at 5:00am, all I had to do was roll out of bed and go.

I finally plopped into bed at around 10:00pm and hoped that I would quickly fall asleep. I watched the clock hit 11:00...and then 12:00...and the last time I glanced at it it was well past 2:00. 5:00am was going to come a lot quicker than I hoped. During those hours of restlessness, my mind went back and forth between where Cale is now and where he will be years from now. I wrestled with why he hasn't reached as many gains as quickly as his therapists have predicted. Feelings of guilt overwhelmed me and it felt as though that guilt grew little fingers and they were digging inside of my brain, making it impossible for my thoughts to go anywhere else. "Am I not doing enough?" "If I spent more time working with him throughout the day maybe he would be walking by now!" "I'm supposed to be his biggest and best advocate and I feel like I am failing him!"

These thoughts nearly brought me to tears and suddenly I went from feeling like a pretty darn good parent to a lazy, slimy, poor excuse of one. I equated myself to those parents you see sitting on the porch, cigarette in one hand, beer in the other, all the while their kids are running around with nothing but a diaper on. Maybe I shouldn't be so focused on trying to keep the house clean and instead take more time to work with Cale. Would he be walking if I wasn't so obsessed with dirty floors? Would he be eating better if I wasn't always trying to stay on top of the laundry? Maybe he would be more effective in communicating if I didn't try and distract him with cartoons while I loaded the dishwasher.

These thoughts are like poisoned vines and can easily suffocate you if you aren't careful.

It is so hard to balance letting him be just a kid and also realizing that he needs to work a lot harder than most kids do, so that one day hopefully he can be "just a kid". He has to work for EVERYTHING and no type of play is simply play - everything has a purpose and a goal associated with it. His therapists are constantly pushing him to the next thing, never satisfied with the gains he's made, but always looking towards what he SHOULD and CAN be capable of. There's little room for celebration and always a reminder that he's not where he should be. "Great. He took five steps. Good. Now take ten!" I wish I could just relish and celebrate the five but there is no time for that. Keep going, keep going, keep going. If I feel this way I can only imagine what Cale must feel. That said, his therapists are doing exactly what they need to be doing. I have no doubt that Cale would be miles behind where he is now if it weren't for the help of his "entourage". Some days, though, I wish he were normal and we didn't have to deal with all of this extra stuff.

I kind of got a little off track. Back to what I decided last night during my sleeplessness. I am on a mission, for one week, (because I think that's manageable and after that we'll see how things go) to focus HARD on doing all I can to maximize Cale's success. I'm going to work with him on preschool activities, set up little obstacle courses in our living room that he has to walk through, set aside two times during the day that he has to put in a valiant effort to eat solid foods, and not stress so much about housework. For one week I think I can do this without totally losing my mind.

I know and believe with all of my heart that Cale has the potential to be and to do anything he desires. He has the strongest determination and perseverance of anyone I know and because of that I feel like he can reach the stars. As his mom, I want nothing more than to help him feel like he's doing his best, and last night I realized that even though I feel like my reserves are empty and dry, I have a little bit more zing and pizazz hidden deep that only the love for my children can bring out.

My biggest fear is that I will have regrets. "What if I would have done more?" I don't want that thought to haunt me years from now when Cale comes home from school and breaks down in tears because he was teased by his peers. I, of course, have love overflowing for him but I just pray the rest of the world will give him the chance to be loved.