I've been sitting here for the last thirty minutes enjoying the unexplainable sensation of feeling our baby move inside me. Even though it is the third time around experiencing this, it never gets any less amazing. Life truly is one of God's greatest miracles.
As I sit here looking out our window, I see the city of Missoula covered in snow. I can barely see the surrounding mountains due to the blowing snow and it makes me wonder if Spring will ever come. The forecast for this week is snow, snow, and more snow. I've never seen a winter like this since I moved to Missoula.
Alex and I took Cale, yet again, to the doctor this morning. Yesterday he started spitting up black mucous, which is especially odd considering he only he eats one thing and it's white. I called his doctor this morning just to make sure it wasn't anything we needed to be worried about, because you all know I would just love to have one more thing to add to the list, and she recommended we come in because she was concerned he might be spitting up blood. They drew his blood and will call later today if something unusual or alarming shows up. A part of me is hoping his blood tests will show something so that we can avoid being told "it's just one of those Cale-isms that can't be explained". I'm emotionally exhausted from never getting any answers to anything. My poor little guy is suffering and no one can do a darn thing about it. Why God won't bring his healing hand upon my son is something I don't think I'll ever understand.
One thing I've always held on to since the very day Cale was born is that God was in control. He loved Cale exponentially more than I did and He would always bring purpose and hope to our lives. Every detail of Cale's life was planned. Every doctor visit was known about in advance. Each medical mystery to us was never a mystery to Him. But now, for the first time that I can remember, I feel abandoned. Why allow a child so much suffering? I'm doubting that God is using this time and this situation for a greater purpose.
Right now I'm watching Cale thrash around in pain. He just ate and his stomach is visibly upset. I wish I could just not make him eat but he continues to lose weight and it's beginning to get dangerous for him. The thrashing used to be something Cale would persevere through but now I'm seeing him give up the fight. He spends 80% of his day laying down because that's the only position where he can maintain the most control of his body. I looked through pictures of the kids playing outside this summer and I saw a happy boy, walking barefoot in the grass, showing no signs of whatever is ailing him now. I never knew to be so grateful for those days. I never knew I would long for them again so badly. That happy and active boy in those pictures is someone I barely recognize.
I wish I could be excited for this new baby. Feeling him move is amazing but I'm so scared for the day when he arrives. The demands of caring for a newborn and Cale is something I can't even fathom.
Joy. Peace. Hope. Please come back to me soon.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
verbs
Scared. Worried. Frustrated. Heart-broken. Guilty. Depressed. Overwhelmed. Sad. Angry. Impatient. Bitter. Dissatisfied.
Thankful. Hopeful.
These are words, both good and bad, describing my state of mind as of late. As you can see, the bad clearly outweigh the good. Life has been incredibly difficult over the last couple of weeks and I find myself climbing an impossible mountain. Cale's disability has taken a huge toll on me and my family and it seems as though all joy has been stripped from us, from me.
I find this road of raising a child with special needs to be painfully lonely. No one can possibly understand the heartache and the difficulty of it all, nor would I expect them to. I rarely, if it all, let people see my true emotions. I only write about them here. I spent the majority of today in tears, wanting nothing more than for something to go right for a change. Cale's health and mood continue to get worse and I'm exhausted from caring for him. I love him with all of my heart but breaks are few and far between, which is unfortunately taking a toll on my ability to be the best mom to him. My patience is thin and I'm constantly angry with myself for not being able to be better for him. I've been treading water for far too long and I'm drowning.
As Cale gets older I'm realizing more and more how different our life has to be from our friends' lives. Alex and I are figuring out that he or I can't just have a night out because it leaves the other one with a huge burden of caring for Cale on their own. Date nights are near impossible to plan, which is especially difficult for me to accept because going out on dates is something I need just about as badly as I need water. They are vital to my soul and I rarely get them. I'm also beginning to experience the sad reality that Cale's peers don't ask to play with him. I watch my friends' kids get invited over for play dates, but I can't remember the last time someone called and wanted Cale to come over. I thought I wouldn't have to deal with this until he was in grade school but I suppose that was just naive of me. Cale is different, therefore he will be treated differently...no matter how hard I fight for him.
As I read other people's blogs and get a peek into their lives, I'm reminded of how much I hate that most of what I write about are my struggles. My nature is to be a happy, optimistic, and full-of-life kind of gal, but sometimes I just need to get out that life sometimes sucks. The reality for us is that life is hard and we've been given a situation that makes it even harder. I would certainly appreciate your prayers as we try and navigate this road as best as we can.
I find this road of raising a child with special needs to be painfully lonely. No one can possibly understand the heartache and the difficulty of it all, nor would I expect them to. I rarely, if it all, let people see my true emotions. I only write about them here. I spent the majority of today in tears, wanting nothing more than for something to go right for a change. Cale's health and mood continue to get worse and I'm exhausted from caring for him. I love him with all of my heart but breaks are few and far between, which is unfortunately taking a toll on my ability to be the best mom to him. My patience is thin and I'm constantly angry with myself for not being able to be better for him. I've been treading water for far too long and I'm drowning.
As Cale gets older I'm realizing more and more how different our life has to be from our friends' lives. Alex and I are figuring out that he or I can't just have a night out because it leaves the other one with a huge burden of caring for Cale on their own. Date nights are near impossible to plan, which is especially difficult for me to accept because going out on dates is something I need just about as badly as I need water. They are vital to my soul and I rarely get them. I'm also beginning to experience the sad reality that Cale's peers don't ask to play with him. I watch my friends' kids get invited over for play dates, but I can't remember the last time someone called and wanted Cale to come over. I thought I wouldn't have to deal with this until he was in grade school but I suppose that was just naive of me. Cale is different, therefore he will be treated differently...no matter how hard I fight for him.
As I read other people's blogs and get a peek into their lives, I'm reminded of how much I hate that most of what I write about are my struggles. My nature is to be a happy, optimistic, and full-of-life kind of gal, but sometimes I just need to get out that life sometimes sucks. The reality for us is that life is hard and we've been given a situation that makes it even harder. I would certainly appreciate your prayers as we try and navigate this road as best as we can.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
It's a BOY!
I had originally planned to wait to share this news until someone had the guts to ask me if I was pregnant or not, but apparently all of my friends are smarter than that and so I finally just decided to come out with it - I'm pregnant! And we're having a boy! :)
This new addition to our family truly is God's way of slapping me in the face and reminding me that HE is in control. Rewind about four months ago and you would have found Alex and me making the decision that after trying for a baby, getting pregnant and miscarrying, and then trying for another baby without success, that it was time to put an end to this emotional roller coaster and do something permanent. Permanent is a heavy word but we didn't come to this decision overnight. I had been praying for about six months that God would either give us another baby or completely take away my desire for another child. Well, about a month before we got pregnant I felt an incredible peace about not having any more children. In fact, I had come up with a million reasons why I didn't want any more kids. I figured God had answered my prayer and taken away my maternal desire. I remember marching downstairs while Alex was fixing our internet and telling him that I had decided we were done trying - no more kids for us! Being the wonderful husband that he is, he just said "okay". Our decision was made.
I called my doctor and made an appointment to discuss semi-permanent birth control options. They scheduled me for one month later.
The day of my appointment came and I was reminded of a conversation I had had with the nurse a couple of days earlier. She asked me if there was any possible way I could already be pregnant because it would be unsafe to start birth control if I were. Being the paranoid person I am, I decided to take a pregnancy test just to be on the safe side. I nearly passed out when I saw those two pink lines slowly become visible in the window.
WHAT?!?! But I prayed about this and God completely took away my desire for another child! This isn't part of the plan...I don't want this anymore...I don't want to be pregnant!
I walked around the house in a daze for the next hour. I paced back and forth, shaking. I felt guilty for immediately having feelings of regret. How did this happen? Not knowing what else to do, I called my doctor and cancelled my appointment. I thought about calling Alex and crying to him over the phone, but I didn't want to freak him out and telling him at work was hardly the appropriate place to deliver this kind of news. So I just kept pacing.
Fast forward four months and here we are. I am almost 17 weeks pregnant and we just found out we're having a boy. I wish I could tell you that I've come full circle and that I'm thrilled about this new baby, but I just can't. Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly thankful for this gift of new life, but now that I've had time to process things I find myself paralyzed with fear. I'm scared beyond words about carrying this baby to term, and while I was aware of nearly every possible pregnancy complication when I was pregnant with Riley, those fears somehow never found a way to creep in. This time around, however, everything that could go wrong is all of a sudden this huge blinking light staring me in the face every minute of every day. I've prayed tirelessly that God would give me the kind of peace He gave me when I was pregnant with Riley but for reasons only He knows, He has yet to answer my prayers. Peace is so hard to come by these days.
Despite these fears, I've found myself marveling in the love I have for Cale and Riley and just knowing that I am going to have another child to love that much makes me extremely grateful. And a little boy no less! I can't wait for Cale to have a little brother and I have to admit that I was a little relieved to know that the only estrogen in our house will be coming from either me or Riley...our house can't handle any more than that! :) Alex can't handle more than that...
Our little boy is set to arrive on July 18th - two days after Riley's third birthday! Here's hoping he behaves and stays put until then!
This new addition to our family truly is God's way of slapping me in the face and reminding me that HE is in control. Rewind about four months ago and you would have found Alex and me making the decision that after trying for a baby, getting pregnant and miscarrying, and then trying for another baby without success, that it was time to put an end to this emotional roller coaster and do something permanent. Permanent is a heavy word but we didn't come to this decision overnight. I had been praying for about six months that God would either give us another baby or completely take away my desire for another child. Well, about a month before we got pregnant I felt an incredible peace about not having any more children. In fact, I had come up with a million reasons why I didn't want any more kids. I figured God had answered my prayer and taken away my maternal desire. I remember marching downstairs while Alex was fixing our internet and telling him that I had decided we were done trying - no more kids for us! Being the wonderful husband that he is, he just said "okay". Our decision was made.
I called my doctor and made an appointment to discuss semi-permanent birth control options. They scheduled me for one month later.
The day of my appointment came and I was reminded of a conversation I had had with the nurse a couple of days earlier. She asked me if there was any possible way I could already be pregnant because it would be unsafe to start birth control if I were. Being the paranoid person I am, I decided to take a pregnancy test just to be on the safe side. I nearly passed out when I saw those two pink lines slowly become visible in the window.
WHAT?!?! But I prayed about this and God completely took away my desire for another child! This isn't part of the plan...I don't want this anymore...I don't want to be pregnant!
I walked around the house in a daze for the next hour. I paced back and forth, shaking. I felt guilty for immediately having feelings of regret. How did this happen? Not knowing what else to do, I called my doctor and cancelled my appointment. I thought about calling Alex and crying to him over the phone, but I didn't want to freak him out and telling him at work was hardly the appropriate place to deliver this kind of news. So I just kept pacing.
Fast forward four months and here we are. I am almost 17 weeks pregnant and we just found out we're having a boy. I wish I could tell you that I've come full circle and that I'm thrilled about this new baby, but I just can't. Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly thankful for this gift of new life, but now that I've had time to process things I find myself paralyzed with fear. I'm scared beyond words about carrying this baby to term, and while I was aware of nearly every possible pregnancy complication when I was pregnant with Riley, those fears somehow never found a way to creep in. This time around, however, everything that could go wrong is all of a sudden this huge blinking light staring me in the face every minute of every day. I've prayed tirelessly that God would give me the kind of peace He gave me when I was pregnant with Riley but for reasons only He knows, He has yet to answer my prayers. Peace is so hard to come by these days.
Despite these fears, I've found myself marveling in the love I have for Cale and Riley and just knowing that I am going to have another child to love that much makes me extremely grateful. And a little boy no less! I can't wait for Cale to have a little brother and I have to admit that I was a little relieved to know that the only estrogen in our house will be coming from either me or Riley...our house can't handle any more than that! :) Alex can't handle more than that...
Our little boy is set to arrive on July 18th - two days after Riley's third birthday! Here's hoping he behaves and stays put until then!
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