When Cale was born at 31 weeks gestation, it was encouraged by the NICU nurses and doctors to wait until at least 35 weeks to introduce breast feeding. Being that Cale was in an incubator and hooked up to multiple wires and tubes, I desperately longed during those four weeks to experience something so intimate with my baby boy. Long story short, I worked harder at trying to get him to breast feed than I have worked at anything in my whole life! During the eight weeks he remained in the hospital and then into the first two months he was at home, I battled and fought with all my might to succeed at what I thought should have been so natural and easy. It was our pediatrician that finally had to sit me down and tell me that breast feeding was just not going to happen for us. I cried but then finally realized that whatever was best for my baby was what I ultimately wanted to do. Bottles and formula quickly invaded our life and we got through it just fine.
Needless to say, when Riley was born I was hopeful she would be a pro at breast feeding. I stressed and cried during the first few weeks when feedings appeared to be more work than enjoyment, not to mention painful, but eventually Riley and I got into a good groove and the rest is history. She is days away from her first birthday and even though I panicked at three months, six months, and nine months that I would never have enough milk to make it another day, here we are in a predicament that I never thought I would find myself in.
Before I had kids, I have to admit, I felt a little awkward when I saw a mother feeding her baby underneath a blanket, or heaven forbid, with everything hanging out there for the world to see. I never thought a mother should be stripped of her rights to feed her baby, but I shamefully admit I thought they should at least have the decency to go into a bathroom. (please don't hate me) However, now that the tables have been turned and I am now the mother feeding her baby, I believe mothers should have the right to feed their children wherever, whenever, and without the need to cover up. You can agree or disagree but those are my thoughts.
Breast feeding, for me, is so much more than giving my baby a meal. It's a time to bond, a time to comfort, and a time to love up my baby girl. I never thought it would be so emotional for me and I never thought I would "miss" breast feeding, especially during those first few weeks when the pain was almost more than I could bear.
So, I'm at a crossroad. On one hand, I selfishly want to continue feeding her for as long as I can, but on the other hand, I definitely do not want to be that mother that allows her child to eat after they walk up and lift up her shirt. That to me will be the breaking point. I have absolutely nothing against people that breast feed their kids past their first year, but I have nightmares that Riley will be a teenager and can remember the days when she ate from Mommy's boob. No thank you.
I still have eight days.
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