Winter Wonderland

Almost every Christmas since I can remember I have asked for a white Christmas.  

This year, whether it actually snows on Christmas day or not, we will surely have a white Christmas.  It has been snowing all day long and there is probably ten inches on our back porch.  They are the really big, fluffy snowflakes that are perfect for accumulating and so everywhere you look it looks like a winter wonderland!  Watching snow fall is one of the most calming things to do; you can't help but feel at peace despite anything else going on around you.  It's really beautiful.  

It has been so fun to show Cale snow!  He is absolutely fascinated by the stuff!  He's not too interested in the snow that's already on the ground, although I think he will be once we let him play in it, but he really loves to watch it fall from the sky.  He just sits there and points to it...so cute!  I'm really looking forward to taking him sledding because I just know he is going to be so floored by the whole experience!  He may even forget he has a hat on.  For those of you who don't know Cale very well, he LOATHES things on his head and so it's been a real challenge to keep his head and ears warm this winter. :)  I'm pretty sure I get nasty glances from other mothers who think I'm just an irresponsible young mom by not putting a hat on my child.  Riley, on the other hand, is usually so well bundled up that when I go to take off her hat and coat her hair is plastered to her head by all the sweat.  Lovely.

Both kids are in bed right now, sound asleep (or at least I hope) and I can't help but feel like my heart is overflowing with love for them.  Each are so different but so uniquely special to me.  I worried I wouldn't have enough love to give Riley, as I thought I couldn't love anybody more than I do my son, but somehow your heart grows and squeezes in just enough room before you feel like it's going to burst.  The ability to love is one of life's greatest gifts.

I thought maybe the snow had let up while I was writing this but as I look outside I see that there's really no sign of it letting up anytime soon.  A winter wonderland it is indeed.   

Just when I think there's no hope for Cale and it seems like every day is an uphill climb for him, God shines His light on us and reminds me that with Him there is always HOPE.  

For the past four months we have been doing some pretty intensive speech therapy with Cale. Although it's called "speech" therapy it really only focuses on his eating rather than his talking.  Like I've said before he gets his main nutrition from a drink called Pediasure but we have been working very hard towards getting him to eat more solid foods.  When we first began with therapy Cale couldn't even eat baby food...you know, the nasty pureed stuff in the little jars.  We considered it a miracle if he took ONE bite and danced around the kitchen like idiots celebrating. We thought maybe it was the taste or the texture he didn't like because he wouldn't even touch the stuff, and if he did get food into his mouth he would push it out instantly with his tongue.  Since we've started the speech therapy, though, we've learned it has nothing to do with the taste but rather the lack of control he has over his tongue.  Just like he has problems "motor planning" to perform gross motor functions, he has the same problem with his tongue; he doesn't quite have the control to move the food around in his mouth to get it back far enough to swallow.  He's wanted to eat all along but has been paralyzed with the fear of choking.  To try and understand what it's like for him, I tried putting food in my mouth without using my tongue to move it around and believe me, you feel like you're going to choke!  No wonder he never wanted to eat.  

Well now he has the control he needs to be able to eat pureed foods.  It took a LONG time and A LOT of hard work and practice, but he now eats those foods pretty well.  HOWEVER, he sometimes gets a stubborn streak in him and decides to not eat all together.  Very frustrating.  He started one of his stubborn streaks a few days ago and since these come and go quite frequently, Alex and I were both ready to throw in the towel.  No more practicing.  No more fighting with him to get him to eat.  No more stressing over how to get high calorie foods in him.  WE'RE DONE!  If Cale doesn't want to eat, we are done trying to make him. 

Those were our thoughts anyhow.

Just after having said that, the next day I felt too guilty to give up on him.  I sat him in his high chair wondering why on earth I was volunteering to go to battle with him - knowing the next ten minutes would undoubtedly ruin the rest of my day - when I offered him a bite of pudding.  He opened his mouth, took a bite, swallowed, and then asked for more.  WHAT???!!!  This is not the same kid that I was dealing with yesterday.  He didn't try to grab the spoon, he didn't try and play imaginary games to distract me from feeding him, he didn't try and squirm out of his high chair - he simply sat there and let me feed him...ALL of it!  He finished his pudding and seemed to still be hungry so I made him a smoothie of bananas, pears, yogurt, and orange juice.  Since he did so well I decided to let him try and feed himself. (He gets EXTREMELY happy when you let him hold the spoon and do it himself!)  I normally don't expect much from him at this point other than dreading how messy he's going to get.  He doesn't yet have the skills to self-feed and so right now it's just a fun thing for him to start practicing.  Well, when I gave him the spoon he tried to dip it into the bowel to get another bite.  I helped him with this part but let him do the rest.  He brought the spoon to this mouth, took an actual GOOD bite, and tried to scoop more onto the spoon again!!!  For those of you who don't know Cale very well, this is a HUGE accomplishment!  

A few days ago I was in tears wondering why on earth EVERYTHING has to be so hard for him.  Why can't SOMETHING come easy to him?  Why does he need therapy to accomplish things that come so easy to others?  I sometimes get so angry with God because I know He could fix this if He wanted to.  Why is He punishing MY family?  I also get angry because some days are so GOOD and I become so inflated with hope, only to have the next day crumble any foundation of hope I have worked so hard at building.  But then God steps in and gives me glimpses of hope - His hope - like Cale eating again and being able to take one bite all by himself.  I know I will get angry again and I will feel like giving up.  Cale will undoubtedly frustrate me to my very ends, but God will faithfully answer - like He always does - and give me a taste of the hope He promises to give to those who love Him.  

For me, hope comes in packages like a simple bite, an unbalanced step, a high-five met halfway, or two little hands saying "please".  God has a plan for Cale.  A perfect plan.  What more hope do I need than that?

Merry Christmas!!!

M is for Mary.  Without her Jesus would not have had a womb to be knit in.

E is for Erica.  I LOVE Christmas and cannot wait to celebrate with family.

R is for Riley. Happy 1st Christmas, baby girl!

R is for rushing.  People rushing around like chickens with their heads cut off.

Y is for yodeling.  Or caroling. :)

C is for Cale.  His 3rd Christmas already...time flies!

H is for happy.  Happiness seems to flood the air this time of year.

R is for roads.  How many more cars can fit on them?

I is for icicles.  I love sucking on icicles, even though it's probably not sanitary.

S is for Santa.  The big fat guy in a red suit.  Gotta love him!

T is for time.  Sometimes I wish time could stand still.

M is for mittens.  I'm in need of a good pair of mittens with the below zero temps!

A is for Alex.  There's no better person out there to share my life with!

S is for Savior.  'Tis the reason for the season!

Nine Blissful Hours!

Last night was purely a miracle, plain and simple.  God must have known my needs because He delivered a gift I was in desperate need of.

My kids and husband have all gotten sick within the last week or so.  Nausea, vomiting, fever, muscle soreness...not fun.  I was thanking my lucky stars that I hadn't gotten sick when all of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks!  We were at the airport picking up Alex's little brother (more on that later) when I suddenly became very nauseated.  I ate a few saltine crackers from the airport lounge - yummy - and that seemed to calm my stomach.  I popped a piece of gum into my mouth, left the airport, put my kids down for a nap, and spent a few hours laying on the couch.  At around five o'clock I started to feel nauseated AGAIN but this time I also felt achy, feverish, and my neck was starting to hurt like it always does right before I get sick.  You know the feeling.  I managed to not throw up but I was definitely not feeling well.  I took my temperature and I indeed had a fever.  I skipped dinner in fear it would all come back up and very reluctantly went to the church to fulfill my obligations of babysitting the junior high youth group leader's kids.  My nausea came in waves...one minute I would feel fine and the next I would be rushing to the bathroom.  Nine o'clock rolled around and we packed up and went home.  My husband stopped at the store to get me some 7-Up - a MUST when I'm not feeling well - and then we came home, put Cale to bed, I took a bath, put Riley to bed, and then something miraculous happened!!!

I woke up this morning at eight o'clock!  I hadn't woken up at my usual times of midnight, two o'clock, four o'clock, six o'clock or seven o'clock.  Nine hours of REM! Not only had I woken up from a full night's sleep but I also woke up feeling rested and 100% better than when I had gone to bed. 

God must have known I needed my rest in order to feel better.  What a blessing sleep can be!  I feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel as far as getting Riley to sleep through the night, but I'm sure I'm jumping the gun on this one and she'll get me back tonight.  Oh well, the last five months made last night SO worth it!  

Anyway, so back to the airport.  Alex's little brother, Ben, was stationed in Pensacola, FL following graduating from boot camp and infantry training in San Diego, CA.  Ben is a U.S. Marine and we could not be more proud of him.  He is a different person now than when he left and that's not to say he was a "bad" guy before, but now you can just see the confidence and self-worth that has grown inside him since he left.  He returned home yesterday and is on leave until January 10th.  I have a renewed respect for our military now and thank everyone who stands in uniform this holiday season!

Riley, Riley, Riley...

Every day it seems like Riley is doing something new or at least getting better at doing something she's already learned.  She's quite the little entertainer these days, making us laugh by squealing at her toys or rolling over without the skills to get back.  Ugh, although this is funny it has posed quite the problem during the middle of the night.  Riley loves to be on her stomach but it's only on HER time, which is usually for only a minute or two.  She rolls from her back to stomach but then can't get back and so she WAILS until someone comes along to roll her over.  This is okay during the middle of the day but when she wakes up in the middle of the night and does it, it's a little irritating to be woken up by a screaming child only to see that she needs to be rolled over.  Silly girl.  She's got to learn to roll both ways soon, right?

She's also become quite fond of her big brother.  She's always been interested in him, watching his every move when he's near, but these days she's starting to interact with him which has been very fun to watch.  This morning Cale was playing with her feet...or maybe a better way to put it is that he was trying to take off her socks (more on that later), and Riley thought that was the funniest thing ever.  She giggled at him and once Cale realized she was actually paying attention to him he got extremely happy and started to laugh at her.  They giggled back and forth for probably a good five minutes, occasionally looking up at me to make sure I was watching.  It is so neat to see them act like brother and sister.  I can only imagine what it will be like when she gets a little older and they can really play together.

Okay, so Cale has an obsession with socks.  His socks, his sister's socks, my socks - everybody's socks.  He sees a sock and his mission is to get it off under any circumstance.  It doesn't matter if he has shoes on or even if we've tied quadruple knots in his shoelaces - he WILL get them off and ultimately his socks, too.  If I leave Cale alone with his sister for two minutes, he will have her socks off.  I don't know why he loves them so much because once he gets them off he doesn't do anything with them.  It's just the simple act of getting them off that brings him joy, I guess.  We have a place in our car that we refer to as the "sock graveyard".  This place rests right below his car seat since he generally likes to take his socks off in the car.  So if you're ever in the neighborhood and need a few socks, just take a peek into the back seat of our car. Sock heaven!  We've tried disciplining him for removing his socks and shoes but honestly, is it really that terrible of a thing for him to be doing?  I'm a firm believer in choosing your battles and this sock thing is a battle I choose not to fight.  What's the harm in bare feet anyway?  

It's kind of sad to know these days are almost over.  Pretty soon our kids will be all grown up - or at least out of the baby stage - and then we won't have to worry about things like them not being able to roll both ways or taking off their shoes and socks.  Everyone always says these times go by so fast and to enjoy them, and I always smile and say, "I know" without really knowing, but Cale's a toddler and Riley is nearing half a year old.  I'm starting to get a glimpse of how fast these times really do go by and it makes me a little sad.  

If they are growing so quickly does that mean I'm getting older, too?  

Do you ever have those days when you dream of your life being just a little bit different?I am having one of those today. I was driving down the street, in awe of how many people were on the roads, thinking to myself "shouldn't all of these people be at work?", when it hit me - I wonder what my life would be like if I were a working mom? I'm not going to touch on this too heavily because I realize in doing so it would be like opening up a can of worms, but I do have a few thoughts on the subject.

When Alex and I got engaged and maybe even before, I told him that under no circumstances was I going to be a stay-at-home mom. I wanted to work and I defended my position by sharing my own experiences growing up; both of my parents worked and I have zero horror stories of daycare, nor do I feel cheated out of any time spent with my mom and dad. I turned out just fine and I'm proud of my parents' decision to keep working when they had kids. Furthermore, by the time I got a little older I cherished the two hours I had alone between getting home from school and when my mom and dad got home from work. I don't think I got in too much trouble during those two hours, which is a big concern in today's debate of raising kids.

Before we had Cale I was employed at a brokerage firm in downtown Missoula. I really enjoyed my job and was learning quite a bit about the financial markets in today's economy. In the back of my head I knew it was a possibility that I wouldn't return after my three-month maternity leave but, good or bad, I wasn't upfront with my boss about my decision, mainly due to the fact that I myself hadn't committed 100% either way - continue to work or stay at home with my son? Well, Cale's entrance into this world left him in the hospital for the first two months of his life and so if I were to go back to work after my maternity leave was up, I would have only had him home for one month. No thanks, here's my resignation boss.

Although my decision to stay at home was partly due to our circumstances, I truly believe I am doing the best thing for OUR family. That's not to say having a parent stay at home is always the best decision. I'm a firm believer that every family is different and there is no right or wrong answer. Perhaps if we lived in a bigger city there would be more options for specialized daycare for Cale, but unfortunately I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving Cale anywhere here. I'm also a pretty big sap when it comes to leaving my kids - the first time I left Cale in the nursery at church I cried like a baby. I'm not sure I would do too well leaving them for a whole day because I have yet to leave Riley alone for more than an hour, and even then it was either with Alex or my family. I swear I'm not one of those over-protective mothers, I don't think?

HOWEVER, if I were to be a working mom or at least a mom that did something outside of the home, I think I would first go back to school and get my nursing license. Especially when we spent all of that time at the hospital after Cale was born I realized being a nurse was my calling. I would maybe even want to be a NICU nurse, even though it would be incredibly emotionally challenging. I LOVE helping people and getting a peek into their lives, sharing stories, and connecting with others on a level that the general public doesn't. And as disgusting as you might think this is, I LOVE hospital food! I'm a little embarrassed about that last sentence and I'm debating on erasing it but I think I'll leave it be...

Back to working versus staying at home; for our family, having me stay at home is the best option for us because I would miss out on so much of Cale's care. We have therapists come into our home three days a week and if I working, I would miss out on what they were working on and most importantly I would miss out on seeing him make progress. Some of my best days are when I see Cale overcome something we've been working on for months and months! Overall, Cale just has some special needs that I don't think he could get at a normal 8-5 daycare. Socialization is a big concern of mine but he's around kids his age at least three to four times a week; not as often he would be if were at a daycare but still often enough to keep my nerves in check. :)

I used to think stay-at-homes didn't have any "worth"...after all, all they did was sit at home cooking and folding laundry. Ha, that's funny. I was worried I would feel like I wasn't contributing to anything with my life if I stayed at home with my kids, but now I realize I'm contributing in the best way I know how to the two most important things in my life - Cale and Riley. For me and my family, at home is where I belong and I am so thankful we are able to make that choice.

Maybe some day when the kids are older and in school I can go back to school and get my nursing degree...or do whatever I choose to do. That's the beauty of living in America.

Sans Kids

I'm going to try and get through an entire post without mentioning my kids.  I love them dearly but as I periodically re-read through my blog I notice that ALL of my comments have to do with them.  I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with that but there is more to my life than just my offspring.  We'll see how I do...

So I have been trying to Christmas shop for Alex the past couple of weeks but I have had ZERO luck!  I even have the benefit of a LIST that he himself gave me, but for some reason my attempts have come back void.  Grr.  I tried to offer not doing Christmas for each other this year but apparently that idea wasn't taken with the same enthusiasm I shared for it.  He tried to tell me that even if I thought it was a good idea at the time that I would ultimately be disappointed on Christmas when there weren't any presents for me under the tree.  I'm not going to deny that as a possibility but it sure would cut down on the amount of work.  Is that un-American?  Besides, shopping with two kids is sometimes downright impossible! (whoops, mistake #1)

One of the things I enjoy most is working out.  After Cale was born (mistake #2) Alex and I got a membership to a gym and I probably went on an average of six days a week for nearly two years.  When I was pregnant with Riley (mistake #3) I tried to go everyday and by the time I was full-term, people started following me around just to make sure I wasn't inducing myself into labor. (trust me, near the end I tried many times!)  Working out does a few things for me; one, it just makes you feel good.  I usually go in the mornings and so I end up feeling refreshed for the rest of the day.  Two, it gives me a mini-break from my kids. (mistake #4)  I drop them off at the daycare and I have a full hour and a half to myself.  Bliss!!!  Well, I am embarrassed to admit that YESTERDAY was my first day back to the gym since Riley was born. (mistake #5)  It felt so good to sweat and get my heart rate back up!  Sounds a little gross but there's nothing quite like building up a good sweat.  I'm a little sore today but other than that I feel great.  Alex and I have made a promise to each other that we are going to start going to the gym during his lunch hour.  I went by myself on Wednesday because he had a lunch meeting but tomorrow is our first day going together!  I'm excited!

Well I should probably go rescue my daughter.  She's napping in her crib and I'm betting by the sound of her cry that she's rolled over onto her stomach and can't get back.  Ugh, it's so annoying - she loves to roll over but then gets so mad when she can't roll back.  I hope she learns to roll both ways soon because this new activity really interrupts her good mood. (mistake #6)

Six mentions of my kids isn't that bad, right?   Nah, I think I did pretty well. :)

What Are You Celebrating This Christmas???

I was asked by someone to poll three to five people on what they were celebrating this Christmas. As I thought about who I was going to ask I first thought that maybe I, myself, should answer the question.  What am I celebrating this Christmas?

Honestly, the first thing that comes to mind is FAMILY.  I have two kids and my youngest is going to experience Christmas for the first time.  I realize she won't remember a thing but at least we can show her pictures when she gets older.  My son also won't remember this Christmas but he's at the age when he can at least get involved with opening presents and getting excited about what's inside.  I love going to church on Christmas Eve - getting all dressed up and singing carols. I remember one particular Christmas Eve, after the service ended we walked outside and it was snowing like crazy!  You know, the really big snowflakes that fall slowly to the ground?  Ah, it was beautiful.  Ever since then that's the picture I get in my head when I think of Christmas Eve...that and a big mug of hot cocoa!  

Aside from family, I'm also celebrating answered prayer.  This past year has been full of challenges and victories.  When I think of where Cale was a year ago compared to where he is now, I can only contribute his progress to answered prayer.  He wasn't even able to sit up yet on his own and now he's close to walking.  Amazing!  He can eat more foods and eat them well.  He's able to communicate with us through sign language and gestures whereas this time last year it was just a guessing game...a very frustrating guessing game.  Again, answered prayer.  We also gave birth to a HEALTHY, BEAUTIFUL baby girl and this time last year, although she was only the size of a peanut and deep inside my belly, we could only hope for a full-term pregnancy and a smooth delivery...answered prayer!  My family is healthy and thriving and at the risk of sounding redundant, it's only because of God answering our prayers.  We are so blessed this Christmas season.

Ok, so I'm celebrating family and answered prayer but I can't really celebrate those things without including the Giver of everything I have to celebrate:  our Lord, Jesus Christ.  After all, it is His birthday that this season is all about.  He has been my ultimate provider - He's given me a wonderful husband and two beautiful children.  He's provided my husband with a thriving career that in turn has allowed me to stay home with my kids.  He's put a roof over my head and kept food on our table.  He's provided many coffees throughout my years which may sound trivial, but coffee brings me great enjoyment and for that I am thankful. :)  He's also provided me with WONDERFUL friends, all of whom have kept me sane when I could have easily spun off into a different galaxy.  Our support system in our little town of Missoula could not be more sound and for that I will forever be in debt.  My family could not have survived this last year without the incredible people in this town.  God has also provided all of the resources to get the help Cale needs - therapies, insurance, pediatric specialists, and most importantly the funds needed to afford the aforementioned things.  God has really taken special care of us throughout the year, and for that I will celebrate.  Also, my mother, father, and sister...it started out as just the four of us and although we have now married off and gone our separate ways, I still reflect on the Christmas traditions we created as a family and only hope my very own family can create meaningful traditions like the ones we used to share.  I'm so blessed to have a mother who is also my best friend, a father who to this day is my Knight in shining armor, and my sister who would still let me hang out with her and her friends if given the chance.  I still feel like the baby in the family whenever we all get together, even though I'm married now and have two kids, but in some ways that's the most comforting place to be.  The Lord could not have raised me up in a better family than the one I grew up in.  For that I will be eternally blessed.

So I leave you with this question:  What are YOU celebrating this Christmas season?

So things are a little better since my last post.  My grief goes in waves and so when I wrote that last one I must have been at the lowest spot on the wave. :)  

On Sunday we went to church as we usually do but this Sunday was a little different than most.  I have started going to a class that discusses the book, The Purpose of Christmas by Rick Warren.  It's my first Sunday School class and I think I'm really going to enjoy it. I get less and less excited for Christmas each passing year, mainly because it always involves more and more work, and so it'll be nice to be reminded of what Christmas is truly about.  Along with my new class, Cale is now eligible to attend the two's and three's Sunday school class.  This milestone is bittersweet for me because it means that one, he's getting older and growing out of my sweet baby boy and two, it's just another reminder of how different he is from his peers.  Alex volunteered to go with Cale to his class since he can't really do anything by himself.  The format of the class usually involves singing songs, sitting in a circle while someone teaches a story from the Bible, then some sort of craft followed by a snack.  Cale can sit and listen to the story but that's about it, or at least without any help.  

Poor Alex...I'm not sure he was emotionally ready to see Cale in a mix of normal developing kids his age.  I'm around Cale more often when he's around other kids and so I'm a little more used to it; it still hurts but I've developed a pretty thick skin, or so I think.  Alex said Cale did great - he walked in a circle with everyone while they sang a song, he sat quietly and listened to the story, tried to eat his goldfish and water with everyone else at the table, and even managed to scribble a streak of blue crayon on the craft Christmas ornament.  Alex, on the other hand, was reminded in a huge way of how different Cale is from his peers.  Although the other kids were not mean to Cale, they certainly noticed his differences and asked questions of why he is the way he is.  It sounds like Alex handled all of the questions magnificently but even I would have had a hard time being in that situation.  I know as Cale gets older the questions will come more and more often but I suppose we'll just cross that bridge when we get there.  

You can bet one thing is for sure, though - the Christmas ornament that Cale made is going to be front and center on our tree.  I've never been so proud of a scribbled streak of blue crayon.  

Hills and Valleys, Highs and Lows

If you have been keeping up with my blog, you might remember a former post about my emotional highs and lows in regards to Cale.  At that particular time I was on a "high" - Cale was making great progress and had the attitude of an angel!  I was in good spirits and had faith that Cale could conquer the world!  Well, I have inevitably hit my low.  I am so discouraged and sitting in my "poor me" pool.  I don't like to feel this way and hate myself for it.  When things are good they are REALLY good, but when things are bad they are REALLY bad.  I'm sure all parents feel this way but right now I feel very alone.

Cale has been refusing to eat the past couple of days which is probably the most stressful thing he can do.  His speech therapist thought he was making great progress but it now feels like we are back at square one.  He had breakfast yesterday but refused to eat anything after that.  He's an absolute crab since he's so hungry but yet he won't eat.  I wish I knew what was going through that little mind of his!  We are trying to get him to eat more solid foods so that his main nutrition doesn't have to come from the Pediasure he drinks.  I've made him every food under the sun in hopes that he will take a liking to it but no such luck.  I've wasted a lot of time and a lot of money.  The funny thing is I would spend all day in the kitchen if it meant he was eating something.  

His physical therapist told me she definitely things walking will happen for him but it might take him as long as three more years to master it.  He'll be five by then.  I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to take a five year old places when he can't walk.  I just want him to be able to run around and play with all of the other kids.  Right now he just watches and it breaks my heart.  

Being a parent is hard enough but having to be a parent to a child with special needs has challenged me in ways I never thought possible.  Some days I think it's amazing I even get through them.  I hate when my mind wanders to the fact that our time on earth is only temporary, and some day I will be in heaven where there is no pain and there are no tears.   I want to be able to enjoy life, each and EVERY day, not just the good days.  That is my prayer.

Some days I wonder if the sun will ever come out from behind the clouds.

Love Hurts

Have you ever loved anyone so much it hurt?  Okay, so that question is kind of cliche but I've found myself literally hurting over how much I love my family.  Sometimes I look at my kids and become so overwhelmed with love that I start to cry.  I'm not sure why I cry because I honestly don't think I'm THAT emotional of a person, but the tears just come whether I want them to or not.  

I remember a time when I thought I never wanted kids.  I wanted to be a career wife and have all the time and money to do whatever I wanted with my husband.  I wanted to travel, live in a big city in a high-rise apartment, and go see broadway shows on Friday nights.  I admit, there are days when my mind wanders to that time and dreams of that again, but my life here in Missoula with my husband and two kids is exactly where I want to be.  You hear people say you'll never a experience the kind of love you have for your children until you actually have them, and it's every bit true!  I don't know what I would do if anything ever happened to them.  They are what makes my world go 'round.  

And then there's my hubby.  I'm not quite sure what I did to deserve him.  There really are no words to describe the love I have for him or what he means to me.  I guess the best way to put it is that he strives to love me the way Christ loves His church, and when it comes down to it, there is no greater love than that.  I'm pretty darn lucky because I know I'm not deserving of that kind of love, but for whatever reason he does it anyway.  I'm not sure if I believe that there is just one person out there for people, but I know there is nobody out there better suited for me than Alex.  

I hope none of you are rushing to the bathroom ready to throw up all the mushiness I just fed you.  I really didn't intend to sound like a Hallmark card...

Being a mom and reflecting on how much my own parents love me, it makes me kind of embarrassed of how I treated them when I was younger.  Everything they ever did was only because they loved me and it makes me sick to my stomach to think how much I must have hurt them by going through my rebellious stage.  If my kids ever do that...!!!!!  Thank goodness I have a few more years before all of that.

Family truly is a gift from God and I am so thankful for the one I have.  

50th Percentile!

A big sigh of relief, at last!  

Ever since Riley was born I've heard nothing but "she's so small!"  Truth be told, she was only six and a half pounds at birth and so I suppose that's a little smaller than the average newborn but certainly still within the healthy spectrum.  I'm very sensitive about her size and so when people make comments about her being small or crack jokes about me not feeding her, I get a little offended and depending on the delivery of each comment, my feelings get hurt.  Perhaps it's because I just want things to be the cut-and-dry definition of "normal" with her and when something stands out as "not normal" I start down my spiral of worry. 

Well today was her four-month checkup and her weight and head size were both in the 50th percentile and her length was in the 75th percentile.  Completely normal!  Ha, now I can start telling people that when they make comments about her being small.  She also got her shots today and oddly enough, she got real red and made the crying face but no sound came out.  Once they were done poking her she acted as if nothing had happened.  I was sure we were in for a wailing child since that's what her big brother always does when he gets his shots.  So far today she's been a little crabby and won't really sleep for longer than twenty minutes at a time but hopefully that just means she'll sleep well tonight. :)

I am so relieved to know that Riley is "average".  She's doing everything she's supposed to be doing and when I asked our pediatrician if she saw any signs of her being like Cale, she looked at me like I had ten heads and said, "Erica, she's the most normal baby I've ever seen..."  Ah, music to my ears.

Cale's Birthday!!!

Saturday was Cale's 2nd birthday...it's amazing how fast two years go by.  We initially were not going to have a party for him (I know, I know - cruel, right?) but birthdays are kind of emotional for us since it's just ANOTHER reminder of how different he is from other kids his age.  BUT, we buckled under the pressure and went above and beyond our hopes for it.  We rented a huge inflatable slide and had his party up at our church.  Cale is in love with slides and even though it was rather expensive, seeing his smile and hearing him giggle was worth EVERY penny!  Alex was a good sport and spent almost the entire two hours taking him down it again and again and again....

My mom and sister drove up and were a huge help in helping organize everything.  I usually try and go over the top when it comes to hosting events but this time I decided to make everything as simple as possible: Papa Murphy's pizza, chips and dip, water, a homemade cake, and balloons.  Pretty simple, right?  The church had a kitchen and every appliance you could possibly need and so we pretty much had everything at our disposal.  The pizzas were the ones you bake yourself and since the church had two ovens we decided to bake them there.  Three adults were in charge of watching the timers...THREE!  That's plenty, right?  Well, we all got so wrapped up in watching the kids go down the slide that we completely forgot about the pizzas.  NOTE: pizzas do not need to cook for 45 minutes.  That's the last time I try and do something simple.  All in all, though, I think everyone had a good time.  I know Cale did and I guess that's all that matters.  

Even though Cale's two and not doing what most two-year olds can do, a nice man reminded me that it's quite amazing how far he's come in the two years he's been with us.  I remember his first birthday and thinking he would NEVER be able to sit up on his own.  Now, although he's not walking yet, I don't set any limits for him because he has proven to me and to everyone that he is capable of overcoming any obstacle set in front of him.  From the day he was only three pounds and fighting for his life, he has continued to fight for everything he can now do to this day. I don't see that stopping anytime soon.  The sky is the limit for my little guy!

Having to dream new dreams is actually a blessing for me - I've been able to dream things for him that I would have never dreamed before.  

A Heart of THANKSgiving!

Can you believe Thanksgiving is only a few days away!  I don't know why but as I get older the holidays creep up on me faster and faster each year!  I think it's because when you're little you start looking forward to Christmas in July, and so it seems to take FOREVER for the holidays to arrive.  Now, life is so busy that there doesn't seem to be enough time to get excited. 

It's the day before Thanksgiving and I haven't even gone to the grocery store yet.  I'm kind of dreading it since I'm sure the masses are out.  Why oh why do I procrastinate on these things???  We are spending the holiday here in Missoula this year.  I got to thinking about it and this is the first Thanksgiving we've spent at home...I guess that's what happens when you've got family spread across the whole northwest.  My duties this year are to make a green bean casserole, a cranberry salad and a pecan pie.  I wasn't actually asked to make a pecan pie but I'm not a fan of pumpkin pie (I know, I know - unamerican, right?) and so a pecan pie for me it is!  

I'm sure many families have this tradition but it's been my experience ever since I can remember that at Thanksgiving dinner, everyone at the table says what they are thankful for.  It was last year that we told my parents we were pregnant AGAIN.  I'm usually starving before dinner is even served but last year I was so nervous I thought I was going to throw up everywhere.  I knew our news was going to send my mom into a tailspin and so all of the feelings of joy and excitement of telling loved ones you're going to have a baby were non-existent.  HOWEVER, after the initial shock I think everyone calmed down enough to enjoy the rest of Thanksgiving.  I'm thankful I don't have any more news like that again this year. :)

I have a lot to be thankful for this year, though.  I'm thankful I have the family I do.  My husband is by far the most admirable man I have ever known and definitely the greatest father to our children.  I honestly don't think I could have dreamed up a better husband or father. (Besides my own dad but he's in a category all by himself)  I'm thankful I have two beautiful, healthy and happy kids.  I'm of course biased but they truly are the BEST!  I'm thankful I have a home and enough money to buy a coffee every now and then.  (I'm sure Alex is not thankful for the latter)  My life, even though it definitely presents great challenges, is pretty darn good.  I truly believe family is the greatest gift here on earth, and hands down, I have the best family a wife, mother, and daughter could ask for.  I even love my in-laws (both sets!) which speaks volumes.  Most importantly, though, I'm thankful for a God that loves me despite my screw-ups and mistakes.  He is, after all, the giver of everything I have to be thankful for.  

Having a heart of thanksgiving is difficult for some but I'm lucky enough to have it come easy.

I hope everyone has a happy Thanksgiving!  

Carrie Underwood!!!

I might have some of the best friends a girl could ever ask for!  So most of you know that I am a huge country fan and proud of it.  Don't try and tell me I'm lame or that I'm a dork for listening to it, because frankly, I don't care.  My husband informed me the other day as we were going through the Starbucks drive-through that Thaiv (one of our very good friends) had bought tickets to Carrie Underwood for his wife, Crystal. (one of my best friends)  I admit, I was extremely jealous and a bit disappointed that my husband hadn't thought to buy tickets for us, but to his defense he only listens to talk radio and had no idea she was coming to town.  Long story short, Thaiv found out that I REALLY wanted to go and so he gave me his ticket!  This may seem like just a nice gesture but this concert was going to be the first time Thaiv and Crystal had been out - ALONE - since their baby girl, Madison, was born.  She's almost five months old.  I feel so honored to have been the one to go out on their first date! :)

I was a little (ok, A LOT) nervous to leave Riley since she's only been breastfed and never given a bottle.  Four hours is quite awhile for her to go without eating since she's pretty much on a 1 1/2 to 2 hour schedule.  Please, no judgements....she just likes to eat!  We met over at Thaiv and Crystal's house, topped off their tanks, and left all four kids in the care of Alex and Thaiv.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my children with anyone BUT Alex, however the thought of Thaiv and Alex alone with all four kids put a grin on my face as we shut the door behind us. :)  I was pretty confident there was going to be a lot of crying since neither Alex or Thaiv had the right equipment to feed them.  

We got to the concert and found our seats.  We were chatting about our kids and how it felt SO good to be out on our own - no diaper bags, no car seats - just Crystal and me with four hours of pure entertainment in front of us.  As I was marveling in my own bliss, I was interrupted by the sensation of something cold pouring down my head and down the back of my shirt.  Yep, the girl behind us had spilled her sugary Mike's Hard Lemonade all over me.  Nice.  Luckily my hair just crusted over and we were able to enjoy the concert despite me smelling of alcohol. :)

Carrie Underwood was awesome and the opening band, Little Big Town, was just as good!  I sang my little lungs away and then we got back into the car to return to reality.  I must say, the trip to freedom was very much needed and appreciated but I am very thankful I had a husband and two beautiful children to return to.  

I half expected to open the door to the house and hear a constant stream of screaming, but to my surprise Cale was in bed and Riley was asleep on Alex's shoulder.  After feeling a bit let down that my kids weren't needing ME, I happily realized that it is possible to leave and have things be ok.  

I guess I'm going to have to do that more often.

Riley does exist

So I was reading over some of my older posts and I realized that most, if not all, have to do with Cale.  One would think he's an only child. I really do love Riley equally but sometimes Cale and his challenges consume most of my thoughts.  So what is Riley up to these days???

                                    All tired from a busy Halloween Party

Riley has earned the nickname "Drama Queen".  She's a joyful baby girl but quite the little Miss.  She likes things her way and she will definitely not be shy to tell you ALL about it.  Her babbling is pretty much constant.  She has learned to roll from her tummy to back although it's not consistent yet.  She still yells at me when she's on her stomach even though she is perfectly capable to roll herself over.  Maybe she's just lazy.  She likes to buzz her lips together, stick out her tongue, flap her arms and legs in delight, and just recently let us hear her squeal of happiness.  She's still not sleeping through the night...in fact I'm lucky to get a three-hour stretch of sleep but I suppose that's the downside to breastfeeding:  I'm the only one able to fulfill her hunger needs. :)  Perhaps the bottle isn't so bad after all.  Hmm...

I've put her in her play saucer a few times and she seems to enjoy it, but generally big brother Cale won't let her enjoy it for very long.  Sharing toys will be an interesting lesson to teach and I'm working on it slowly, but for now it's just too daunting.  Kind of like potty-training, I imagine.  All in all I think she likes her big brother.  She stares at him and watches his every move very intently.  I know Cale likes her because when we let him touch her he gets extremely happy.  We're still working on being gentle but for now Cale's touch is all or nothing.  There is no in-between which Riley doesn't quite enjoy.  Eyes and hair are in constant danger!

I love having two kids and wouldn't change it for the world.  Sometimes people will stop me and ask how on earth I manage two kids in diapers.  My answer is that I don't know anything different and so I'm not sure if it's harder than if one were already potty-trained.  I'm a full believer in the fact that God gives us the ability to overcome our individual challenges.  What is it with people complaining about diapers, anyway? It's really not THAT bad.  There are definite worse things.

I went to get Riley weighed the other day and she was almost 13 lbs.  That may seem small but since she was only six and a half pounds at birth that means she has nearly doubled her birth weight.  Pediatricians don't expect that until a child reaches six months of age.  I think we're right on track but I'll find out more at her four-month appointment, which is on December 2nd.  

So that's what Riley has been up to.  Right now she is screaming at me to get off the computer and feed her.  Seriously, how much more can this child eat??? 

The Train

Everyone has seen them.  You know, the trains they put in malls to let children climb all over?  When I was pregnant with Cale I swore to myself I would never let him play on what I saw as The Big Giant Germ.  Well, that quickly wore off and before I knew it I was one of those moms letting their kid get exposed to who knows what!  I've heard other moms say they have seen kids pee on it, wipe their noses on it, lick it, throw up on it...you get the picture.  Despite all of the disgusting things that go on there on a daily basis (do you think someone cleans it everyday, if at all???) I have found that watching Cale play around on the train makes me rather proud.  

I remember the very first time he got up enough courage to venture over to it all on his own.  For months he would just sit on my lap and watch all of the other kids play. When I set him down to see if he would join the others he would either break into immediate tears or freeze completely.  The day he crawled up the stairs and went down the slide all by himself made me cry.  I was SO proud.  My son, who usually froze around other kids and got too scared to do things on his own without me or Alex around, was becoming a big boy!  He was discovering that he could do things - challenging things - without our help.  I'll never forget that day.

Today, since the weather is turning and it's too cold to play outside, I went to the mall to let Cale burn some energy and play on the train.  It usually takes him a moment to warm up to the idea - he surveys the other kids and makes sure I give him the signal that it's safe.  Today he didn't even look back at me as he took off crawling towards the stairs.  There are two slides on this particular train - a little slide and a big slide. Cale likes to go down the little slide a few times before he develops enough courage to conquer the Big One!  Well, today he went right for the big slide.  He looked at me with a huge grin before going down and when he reached the bottom he giggled with delight.  

One might see this as something small but for me it was like going back to that first day.  I looked around to see if other moms were watching me or my son swell with pride but no one even threw us a glance.  There must have been ten other kids running around and not one mom was even looking in the direction of the train.  One mom was talking on her cell phone, some other moms were drinking coffee and chatting, and I'm guessing the other moms just dropped their kids off while they went shopping.  I'm not saying I love my child any more than other moms because that would be silly to assume, but I am so thankful that Cale is the way he is because I will never take the small things for granted.  It's far too easy to get caught up in the speed of life but Cale forces me to slow down and be grateful for each day, each victory - big or small.  

Ah, Mothers!

Perhaps it's my age or the fact that I am now a mother myself, but I've come to realize that sometimes it's just necessary to have a little "mommy and me" time.  My mom came to visit us this weekend and it was truly a little slice of heaven.  She helped get Cale fed and dressed, she put him to bed, held Riley when she cried, folded my mounds of laundry I had been putting off, and spoiled us by buying dinners and clothes.  It was like having a vacation without having to go anywhere.  But sadly she had to leave this morning and so it's back to reality. :(

Among other things, I have been feeling pretty positive about Cale lately.  I realize that my emotions go in waves and although I'm on a "high" right now, I'm realistic enough to know that a low is inevitably going to follow.  I'm really enjoying have this high right now, though.  Cale has been eating REALLY WELL the past week or so which is making life so much easier.  It's so refreshing to see him get excited to eat!  He's also been making quite a few new sounds and sometimes I swear he's saying actual words. He learned to sign for "all done" which has come in handy when he's eating.  It's not the correct sign for "all done" but as long as he uses his own sign consistently I'm not too concerned.  I'll take whatever I can get!  

In general, I am just so thankful for the little boy he is becoming.  I truly feel he has a great chance in succeeding in this life.  I'm so lucky to be his mom and to be able to see him climb these huge mountains!  How rewarding being a mother can be. :)  

At last!!!

Last night was our dinner date with a family that understands what life is like for us.  They, too, have a daughter with some challenges and she sees the same physical and speech therapists as Cale.  They know all about the Child Development Center programs we are enrolled in and everything!  At last, we have finally found a family that completely understands!!!  

We had them over to our house and I must admit, I was a bit nervous to have people come into our home that we have never met.  At first I was just excited to meet them but as the time drew nearer I started to get butterflies in my stomach.  I for some silly reason thought we might not have enough to talk about.  Turns out we had a lot to talk about!  It was just so encouraging to see a family going through the very same things we are going through.  Neurologists, therapists, fears - we seemed to share very similar emotions in regards to our kids.  Ah, what a relief to meet such a nice couple who love their child!

They left last night agreeing we should meet again.  I really hope this relationship develops into something more than just two families who share similar struggles.  

Satan's Grip

Today I had bible study up at the church.  I so look forward to Tuesday mornings.  Not only is there childcare for Cale but it's a great opportunity to be around adults.  The group of ladies that attend always give me a new or different perspective on things, which in my life is greatly appreciated.  There is a group of us that all have babies and sit at one table.  We rarely get new people to sit with us because the joke is that if you sit with us you might get pregnant.  Funny but possibly true.  

Anyhow, something was said today that I've always known but sometimes lose sight of.  We are studying about God's promises and the one we studied today was God's promise to give us rest.  When I think of "rest" the first couple of thoughts that come to mind are nap time and bed time.  Ha.  The kind of rest that God promises, though, is freedom from worry, despair, anger, etc.  The word that stands out to me is worry - in big, bold, black letters!  To anyone that knows me well knows I am the Queen of worrying, especially these days.  I worry about a large spectrum of things, from sharks in pools (yes, you read that correctly - sharks in pools!), jellyfish in the ocean, bears and mountain lions, to larger things such as the health of my family and the future for my son and daughter.  Worrying has the ability to paralyze me.  It wraps around me like a vine and holds tight.  I HATE to worry but am really horrible about not worrying.  "Just don't worry so much" is what I hear a lot but that is surely easier said than done.  With that being said, what was said today was that worrying comes from Satan.  Now, I KNOW this in my head but I often and easily forget it.  The thought that Satan has any control over me makes me angry.  It makes me want to do whatever possible to be released from his grip.  God is so much BIGGER than Satan.  God is on my side.  Satan has no place in my life.  

Wouldn't it be amazing to be at rest?  To be completely free?  I strive for this but am quickly realizing it's a choice that needs to be made daily, until "rest" takes on a different meaning to me than nap time. :)

Positive Thoughts

Okay, so my posts so far have been a bit depressing.  But like I expressed in my latest post I try so hard to be positive all of the time.  Writing about my real thoughts and emotions is hard for me but I think by not bottling everything up will be somewhat therapeutic for me.  

Life is not "bad" by any stretch of the imagination.  Most days are good.  I'm thankful for my husband and two kids.  I'm also very thankful for the group of friends we have.  My parents and in-laws have been nothing but supportive from the very beginning.  We have a lot of things to be thankful for.  

Being a mother is nothing like I thought it would be.  It's a lot harder, for one, but I also never could have imagined the amount of love I would have for my children.  The love for your child is a different kind of love that I can't really put into words.  I would give my life for my kids.  My love for Cale, though, is also a different kind of love that I can't put into words.  I remember when I got pregnant with him I prayed that he would be healthy.  I remember praying that he wouldn't have downs syndrome or some other "defect".  Sounds harsh but it's the truth.  Now, having a child with a disability, makes me realize that no matter if your child is normal or not, you will love them just the same - no more and no less.  Actually, I think I might love Cale more the way he is than if he were normal.  I suppose there's no way of proving that but that's what I believe. 

 I am so ashamed of the stares I gave to students in high school that had a disability.  I remember one student in particular that had CP.  I wasn't mean to him but I didn't reach out to him either.  I treated him like he was less than me.  Like he wasn't a part of the rest of society.  His grandparents were neighbors of ours and I remember staring at his limp and the arm that he couldn't bend.  Now I am just amazed at the fact that he could walk.  I feel very sympathetic towards his parents and all that they probably did to make his life as normal as possible.  He was a tennis star on our high school team and even managed to play church softball, even though he couldn't use one of his arms.   It makes me sad to think that people will stare at Cale and probably treat him like I treated that boy in high school.  It makes me lose a little faith in people as a whole.  But this was supposed to be about positive thoughts, right???!!!

Even though Cale is different to almost everyone around us, he's absolutely perfect to Alex and me.  If someone were to appear with a magic wand and tell me they could make Cale "normal", I truly believe I would tell them no.  I love Cale unconditionally just the way he is, and like I said before, maybe more because of it. 

Trying to be Strong

Dealing with Cale and his disability has caused quite a strain on our family.  When he was first diagnosed we went through a grieving period.  Now some of you might wonder what we had to grieve.  Well, we had to grieve over the child we would never have.  We will never have what is considered a "normal" child.  When we used to dream of whether or not he would take up golf we now have to grieve over the fact that he may never be able to play golf.  Sounds silly to care about such a small aspect of life, but you would be amazed at the entire spectrum of things we've thought about in regards to what Cale may or may not be able to do.  

I think one of the hardest things Alex and I have been faced with is that we choose to deal with grief differently.   Alex likes to talk about things when he's feeling blue whereas I like to stay quiet.  So when I've had a hard day I usually express my sadness by becoming grouchy or defensive towards Alex.  If Alex has a hard day he wants to talk to me about it.  This causes another problem.  I want to be there for him and be supportive, however this is OUR child and we're both experiencing the same roller-coaster of emotions.  How can I be his strength when I don't have the strength myself?  Quite a dilemma indeed. 

Another thing that has been hard is that we both try and be so strong to the outside world.  Alex and I are generally very happy people and I think most people would agree that when we're at church or with a group of friends, we almost always have a smile on our face and a  positive attitude.  Trying to be strong all the time is exhausting.  Sometimes we'll get home from being out and just sit down and cry.  I really think it helps to just cry sometimes.  I often wish I could express my feelings more openly with friends and family but who likes to be around a downer?  I certainly don't want to be labeled as the party-pooper.  I would rather just put on a smile and pretend life is just as I dreamed it would be, no matter how exhausting it might be.  

One positive thing that this has drawn is that I feel I'm much more in tune with other people's emotions.  When I know of someone going through a hard time I don't automatically think they're okay just because they have a smile on their face.

And then there were four!

Riley was born on July 16, 2008 at 3:27 PM.  Since Cale was premature and only three pounds at birth, I was not able to deliver him naturally and so I was determined to have that experience with Riley.  Prior C-Section patients aren't allowed to get induced, (or at least at the hospital here in Missoula) and so when my due date came and went things weren't looking so good.  Kind of ironic that Cale was born early and that Riley was showing no signs of coming out a week after my due date.  My doctor called me a day before she was born and said that he could do one thing that would hopefully help me go into labor.  I told him to do whatever it took to get her out!  The next day at about 9:00 AM he broke my water.  Labor followed and six hours later she was born naturally!  

I can't really describe the emotions of seeing her and feeling her against me for the first time.  For all of you mothers out there you know exactly what I'm talking about.  I was completely oblivious to everything else around me except for her tiny cry and sweet face.  I did, however, ask them to assure me she was still a girl.  For whatever reason doctors have started to fail to announce the gender once a baby is born.  I was able to hold her for probably five minutes before they took her away to clean her up and check to make sure everything was okay.  Quite a different experience from when Cale was born.  I was able to see him immediately after they pulled him out of my belly but it was a good 36 hours before I was able to see him again.  And when I did see him he was hooked up to a bunch of machines and had wires hanging off him everywhere.  Ugh, just the thought of that makes me a little sick to my stomach.  With Riley, though, everything went the way I had always imagined giving birth should go.  

We left the hospital the next day and I remember getting home, sitting her down in the middle of our living room and just bursting into tears.  What in the heck am I going to do with two kids???!!!  How in the world am I ever going to be able to go anywhere?  How am I supposed to feed two kids that can't yet eat by themselves?  Will Cale still feel loved by me even though I love someone else just as much?  I suppose all of those things worry most parents of their second child.  I was overwhelmed, though and couldn't imagine life ever being easy again.  

I truly believe, however, that God gives you exactly what you need, including the strength, courage, and patience to face tomorrow.

Perseverance - The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it.

Perseverance is a great word to describe what Cale has had to do throughout his entire life - PERSEVERE.  Nothing has come easy for him and every accomplishment and gain he has made has only come with great effort.  There was a day when we thought Cale would never be able to sit up, much less walk, but he has proven us wrong time and time again.  A few weeks before his two-year birthday, Cale is able to do things we never dreamed of him doing.  He can crawl, pull himself up to a stand, maintain his balance for 30-45 seconds, and walk with a walker.  Although wobbly and bit uncoordinated, he can also walk if you hold one of his hands.  (This will someday make getting both kids to the car a breeze!)  The great thing about Cale is that the things that were once difficult for him you would never be able to tell.  Once Cale gets a skill it becomes easy for him, as if it came naturally at one point.  Hopefully WHEN he walks the same thing will be true.  

One of the things I love about Cale is how proud he gets of himself.  If he's doing something and getting positive feedback from the ones watching him, he will continue doing the same thing over and over and over again.  Sometimes I feel like I can only clap so many times, but seeing the smile he gets on his face always buys another clap. :)  I cannot imagine the roar the erupts when he takes his first steps by himself.  

CP?

If you were to see Cale in a photo you would never know he has a disability.  Wow, I'm not sure I've ever labeled my son as having a disability until just now.  I've thought about it but I've never said it out loud or written it in words.  My heart races thinking about it.  Cerebral palsy, or CP, is the closest thing any doctor or specialist has been able to label Cale with.  Cale has had an MRI, seen two neurologists, a geneticist, and still no one can clearly diagnose him.  His MRI came back normal which is GREAT - no visible brain damage!  Both of the neurologists say he displays symptoms similar to CP but there's just something about Cale that doesn't fit that label.  The geneticist said whatever Cale has is probably not genetic, which was good news since I was pregnant with Riley when we saw him.  Phew!  As of this very moment, Cale is the way he is and there's no clear reason why.  Some say it could be due to the fact that he was premature and others say he would be like this even if he came on time.  A mystery indeed.  

At two years of age Cale cannot do a lot of things that a normal two-year old can do.  He can't yet walk, talk, or eat solid foods.  He wasn't able to sit up on his own until he was about fourteen months old and he didn't learn to crawl until he was seventeen months old.  His fine motor skills, like stacking blocks or pinching things with his fingers, are still behind.  In a nutshell, Cale has the physical ability to do anything but it's getting his brain to deliver those messages to his body that is the problem.  

So what do we as a family do to help him?  Well, Cale has been in physical therapy for a little over a year now.  I often get asked what Cale does during this process and the best way to put it is that he basically just plays.  Paula, our physical therapist, comes to our house twice a week and teaches him things like how to crawl up stairs, how to cruise around on furniture, how to squat when he wants to bend down to play with something, etc.  Things that come naturally to almost every child is what Cale needs to be taught.  Slowly but surely we are making great gains!  Cale has also been in speech therapy for the last month.  Ugh, this is probably the most dreaded of all therapies!  We aren't quite yet working on his actual speech but mostly on his eating.  Cale really wants to eat the foods we are eating but he can't figure out how to move his tongue in a way that would get the food swallowed.  Cale really does not like this time of day but in the last few weeks we have seen some progress which has made things a bit more enjoyable.  His speech therapist also comes to our home which is a huge blessing.  I cannot imagine what I would do if we had to go somewhere for all of his therapy sessions!  

So that's a brief summary of what Cale struggles with and what we're doing about it.  It sounds like Cale can't do much for himself but you would be surprised at how determined our little guy is.

Dreaming New Dreams

When Alex and I first got pregnant with Cale, it was only natural to start fantasizing about what he would look like, what his first word might be, when he would learn to crawl and to walk, if he would choose golf over football or skiing over snowboarding. We dreamed pretty normal dreams for him. Cale was born two months early, though and we had no idea our dreams were going to have to change. He was in the hospital for two months and both Alex and I thought things would be fine as long as he got out of the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit). " If we could just have him home, then things would be okay," we thought. Well, Cale did come home and things appeared to be okay. Restless nights, crying, diapers - normal baby stuff. We always had a fear that he was different from other babies but we just thought it was because he was premature. He didn't start cooing or rolling over when he supposed to and when it came around to the time when he should have been able to sit up we knew he wouldn't start doing that either. At his six month checkup our pediatrician diagnosed him with cerebral palsy. Our dreams for him were shattered, broken into a million teeny tiny pieces, within just a few spoken words. I walked out of the doctors office with a baby I didn't even recognize. He was a different person to me and I hated myself for thinking that. All I could think about was that our time on earth is temporary and someday I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore. I hated myself for thinking that too. Cerebral palsy? What is that anyway?

Welcome!

Hello, Family and Friends! I have created a blog so that many of you have the opportunity to be updated more frequently on what goes on in our daily lives. Don't worry, the website Alex manages will still be the main way to view all of our pictures and videos, however I will hopefully be able to update this on a somewhat daily basis. For some of you our life is a bit of a mystery and so I will start at the beginning, or at least the beginning of when we had Cale, and hopefully the title of this blog "Dreaming New Dreams" will make more sense. I hope you enjoy it and I welcome ANY and ALL feedback.