Prayer for complete healing questioned?

This post may be a little heavy and so I'll start out with something light.  I saw an advertisement informing me that Dairy Queen is celebrating a birthday and so they're offering a "buy one Blizzard and get the second one for $.25".  I'll definitely be partaking in that tonight!

I was driving down the street today, on my way to Starbucks to grab my usual Americano, when a thought hit me so hard I felt as though I had run into something.

My husband and I pray, DAILY, for complete healing in Cale.  I go through seasons when I'm angry with God for not answering my prayer, but on the contrary I also go through seasons when I'm filled with so much patience, and faith, that I'm content in waiting for the day WHEN He DOES answer my prayer.  Right now, on this very day, I'm somewhere in the middle.

I'm angry that I, one of billions of people in this world, was given a child with a disability.  People have babies every day, healthy babies.  Why me?  A selfish but honest question.  When someone says to me, "God chose you to be Cale's mom because He knew you were the best person for the job" only ignites my anger.  Should I feel special or feel like I won some sort of an award?  On the contrary, I'm also content knowing that Cale will most likely never be completely healed.  I'm not saying that God is incapable of performing miracles but I've had long enough to think about the fact that there is a bigger purpose - a purpose that may never be revealed - behind why Cale is my son and I am his mom.  I'm okay with that and I sometimes even feel special that I get to be apart of one of God's purposes.

Going back to the thought that hit me so hard while on my way to Starbucks.  My prayer for complete healing in Cale might leave God feeling puzzled.  He may be up in Heaven, looking down on me, wondering what on earth I'm asking of Him.  He's confused because He doesn't view Cale as being sick.  In His eyes Cale is not "disabled".  Cale is perfectly healthy and it's me, and this world, that labels him as being different.  So I'm left wondering what my prayer for Cale's life should be.  I don't think there's anything wrong with asking for healing because I assure you that if I or someone in my family were to get sick, I would be the first one begging God for a cure.  For whatever reason, though, I feel like I should be praying something different for Cale.  I don't know what that is yet because this journey of raising him and being his mom changes on a daily basis, but I'm sure God will let me know what it is He wants, whether it's through a dream or while on a drive to Starbucks.

He certainly has interesting and unique ways of communicating to us.

Screams in the maternity ward...

I am blessed to be part of a church that not only cares about deepening people's relationships with God, but connecting with people on a real relational level as well. Alex and I have been given more love and support than we could have ever dreamed of over the past three years and I truly feel like I'm a part of a huge family here in Missoula. One of the ways our church helps people "relate" to one another is through bible studies. I go to a weekly bible study every Tuesday morning and I am so thankful for the women there. They prayed for me when Cale was first born and in the hospital, they brought dinners to my house when we were too busy going back and forth from the NICU to cook, they prayed for Cale when the term "cerebral palsy" was first introduced into our lives, and they sat with us when Cale had surgery. They listen to me - REALLY listen to me - when I share my concerns and fears. All in all, this bible study has helped me through some very difficult times in my life.

This year we are doing a study on returning to the Lord. "Coincidently", this particular study has come at a perfect time in my life. Today we specifically talked about crisis and whether or not that draws us nearer or farther away from God. I personally believe it has the ability to do both. For instance, when our pediatrician first mentioned that Cale might have cerebral palsy, I walked out of that office wishing so bad to be with my Father. I wanted to be in heaven where there are no tears and there is no pain. I didn't want to be here on earth anymore. I prayed more than I ever had before and I craved reading God's word. I clung to the feet of Jesus during those first few months. But then something changed. Whether it was due to the time that had passed or the fact that I had more time to process this new information, I became angry with God and I didn't want to pray anymore. I didn't want to read my bible. God could have prevented this and He even had the ability to heal Cale...but He didn't. And the longer He didn't, the further and further I got from Him.

Today I'm not quite sure where I am in my relationship with the Lord. I know He loves me and that He is using everything in my life for His glory, but I'm still a little angry. I'm not yet at a place where I can say I'm thankful for all the circumstances in my life, but I can say I'm thankful for Cale. I love him with all my heart and I know that some day, whether here on earth but definitely in heaven, I will understand the plan he has for my family.

With that said, an analogy was shared today that will most likely stick with me for quite some time. A woman talked about a time when she was standing outside of a labor and delivery room at the hospital, waiting to see someone, and as she stood there she heard screams coming from the room just down the hall. Loud screams, painful screams...screams that were obviously coming from someone who was in deep agony. But this woman didn't feel remorse or sadness towards the lady screaming, because she knew all of the screaming was going to lead to something beautiful and full of life. Compare that to someone screaming in a cancer ward or a pediatric unit. If you heard screaming then you would undoubtedly be filled with compassion and sorrow for whoever was in pain.

Using Cale and his life as an example, even though I scream and I cry and I hurt, those tears are being used for something good, something beautiful and something full of life. Cale's life will bring glory to God and even though I'm in pain, screaming, His plan will be finished.

Hills and Valleys, Highs and Lows

If you have been keeping up with my blog, you might remember a former post about my emotional highs and lows in regards to Cale.  At that particular time I was on a "high" - Cale was making great progress and had the attitude of an angel!  I was in good spirits and had faith that Cale could conquer the world!  Well, I have inevitably hit my low.  I am so discouraged and sitting in my "poor me" pool.  I don't like to feel this way and hate myself for it.  When things are good they are REALLY good, but when things are bad they are REALLY bad.  I'm sure all parents feel this way but right now I feel very alone.

Cale has been refusing to eat the past couple of days which is probably the most stressful thing he can do.  His speech therapist thought he was making great progress but it now feels like we are back at square one.  He had breakfast yesterday but refused to eat anything after that.  He's an absolute crab since he's so hungry but yet he won't eat.  I wish I knew what was going through that little mind of his!  We are trying to get him to eat more solid foods so that his main nutrition doesn't have to come from the Pediasure he drinks.  I've made him every food under the sun in hopes that he will take a liking to it but no such luck.  I've wasted a lot of time and a lot of money.  The funny thing is I would spend all day in the kitchen if it meant he was eating something.  

His physical therapist told me she definitely things walking will happen for him but it might take him as long as three more years to master it.  He'll be five by then.  I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to take a five year old places when he can't walk.  I just want him to be able to run around and play with all of the other kids.  Right now he just watches and it breaks my heart.  

Being a parent is hard enough but having to be a parent to a child with special needs has challenged me in ways I never thought possible.  Some days I think it's amazing I even get through them.  I hate when my mind wanders to the fact that our time on earth is only temporary, and some day I will be in heaven where there is no pain and there are no tears.   I want to be able to enjoy life, each and EVERY day, not just the good days.  That is my prayer.

Some days I wonder if the sun will ever come out from behind the clouds.