Winter Wonderland

Almost every Christmas since I can remember I have asked for a white Christmas.  

This year, whether it actually snows on Christmas day or not, we will surely have a white Christmas.  It has been snowing all day long and there is probably ten inches on our back porch.  They are the really big, fluffy snowflakes that are perfect for accumulating and so everywhere you look it looks like a winter wonderland!  Watching snow fall is one of the most calming things to do; you can't help but feel at peace despite anything else going on around you.  It's really beautiful.  

It has been so fun to show Cale snow!  He is absolutely fascinated by the stuff!  He's not too interested in the snow that's already on the ground, although I think he will be once we let him play in it, but he really loves to watch it fall from the sky.  He just sits there and points to it...so cute!  I'm really looking forward to taking him sledding because I just know he is going to be so floored by the whole experience!  He may even forget he has a hat on.  For those of you who don't know Cale very well, he LOATHES things on his head and so it's been a real challenge to keep his head and ears warm this winter. :)  I'm pretty sure I get nasty glances from other mothers who think I'm just an irresponsible young mom by not putting a hat on my child.  Riley, on the other hand, is usually so well bundled up that when I go to take off her hat and coat her hair is plastered to her head by all the sweat.  Lovely.

Both kids are in bed right now, sound asleep (or at least I hope) and I can't help but feel like my heart is overflowing with love for them.  Each are so different but so uniquely special to me.  I worried I wouldn't have enough love to give Riley, as I thought I couldn't love anybody more than I do my son, but somehow your heart grows and squeezes in just enough room before you feel like it's going to burst.  The ability to love is one of life's greatest gifts.

I thought maybe the snow had let up while I was writing this but as I look outside I see that there's really no sign of it letting up anytime soon.  A winter wonderland it is indeed.   

Just when I think there's no hope for Cale and it seems like every day is an uphill climb for him, God shines His light on us and reminds me that with Him there is always HOPE.  

For the past four months we have been doing some pretty intensive speech therapy with Cale. Although it's called "speech" therapy it really only focuses on his eating rather than his talking.  Like I've said before he gets his main nutrition from a drink called Pediasure but we have been working very hard towards getting him to eat more solid foods.  When we first began with therapy Cale couldn't even eat baby food...you know, the nasty pureed stuff in the little jars.  We considered it a miracle if he took ONE bite and danced around the kitchen like idiots celebrating. We thought maybe it was the taste or the texture he didn't like because he wouldn't even touch the stuff, and if he did get food into his mouth he would push it out instantly with his tongue.  Since we've started the speech therapy, though, we've learned it has nothing to do with the taste but rather the lack of control he has over his tongue.  Just like he has problems "motor planning" to perform gross motor functions, he has the same problem with his tongue; he doesn't quite have the control to move the food around in his mouth to get it back far enough to swallow.  He's wanted to eat all along but has been paralyzed with the fear of choking.  To try and understand what it's like for him, I tried putting food in my mouth without using my tongue to move it around and believe me, you feel like you're going to choke!  No wonder he never wanted to eat.  

Well now he has the control he needs to be able to eat pureed foods.  It took a LONG time and A LOT of hard work and practice, but he now eats those foods pretty well.  HOWEVER, he sometimes gets a stubborn streak in him and decides to not eat all together.  Very frustrating.  He started one of his stubborn streaks a few days ago and since these come and go quite frequently, Alex and I were both ready to throw in the towel.  No more practicing.  No more fighting with him to get him to eat.  No more stressing over how to get high calorie foods in him.  WE'RE DONE!  If Cale doesn't want to eat, we are done trying to make him. 

Those were our thoughts anyhow.

Just after having said that, the next day I felt too guilty to give up on him.  I sat him in his high chair wondering why on earth I was volunteering to go to battle with him - knowing the next ten minutes would undoubtedly ruin the rest of my day - when I offered him a bite of pudding.  He opened his mouth, took a bite, swallowed, and then asked for more.  WHAT???!!!  This is not the same kid that I was dealing with yesterday.  He didn't try to grab the spoon, he didn't try and play imaginary games to distract me from feeding him, he didn't try and squirm out of his high chair - he simply sat there and let me feed him...ALL of it!  He finished his pudding and seemed to still be hungry so I made him a smoothie of bananas, pears, yogurt, and orange juice.  Since he did so well I decided to let him try and feed himself. (He gets EXTREMELY happy when you let him hold the spoon and do it himself!)  I normally don't expect much from him at this point other than dreading how messy he's going to get.  He doesn't yet have the skills to self-feed and so right now it's just a fun thing for him to start practicing.  Well, when I gave him the spoon he tried to dip it into the bowel to get another bite.  I helped him with this part but let him do the rest.  He brought the spoon to this mouth, took an actual GOOD bite, and tried to scoop more onto the spoon again!!!  For those of you who don't know Cale very well, this is a HUGE accomplishment!  

A few days ago I was in tears wondering why on earth EVERYTHING has to be so hard for him.  Why can't SOMETHING come easy to him?  Why does he need therapy to accomplish things that come so easy to others?  I sometimes get so angry with God because I know He could fix this if He wanted to.  Why is He punishing MY family?  I also get angry because some days are so GOOD and I become so inflated with hope, only to have the next day crumble any foundation of hope I have worked so hard at building.  But then God steps in and gives me glimpses of hope - His hope - like Cale eating again and being able to take one bite all by himself.  I know I will get angry again and I will feel like giving up.  Cale will undoubtedly frustrate me to my very ends, but God will faithfully answer - like He always does - and give me a taste of the hope He promises to give to those who love Him.  

For me, hope comes in packages like a simple bite, an unbalanced step, a high-five met halfway, or two little hands saying "please".  God has a plan for Cale.  A perfect plan.  What more hope do I need than that?

Merry Christmas!!!

M is for Mary.  Without her Jesus would not have had a womb to be knit in.

E is for Erica.  I LOVE Christmas and cannot wait to celebrate with family.

R is for Riley. Happy 1st Christmas, baby girl!

R is for rushing.  People rushing around like chickens with their heads cut off.

Y is for yodeling.  Or caroling. :)

C is for Cale.  His 3rd Christmas already...time flies!

H is for happy.  Happiness seems to flood the air this time of year.

R is for roads.  How many more cars can fit on them?

I is for icicles.  I love sucking on icicles, even though it's probably not sanitary.

S is for Santa.  The big fat guy in a red suit.  Gotta love him!

T is for time.  Sometimes I wish time could stand still.

M is for mittens.  I'm in need of a good pair of mittens with the below zero temps!

A is for Alex.  There's no better person out there to share my life with!

S is for Savior.  'Tis the reason for the season!

Nine Blissful Hours!

Last night was purely a miracle, plain and simple.  God must have known my needs because He delivered a gift I was in desperate need of.

My kids and husband have all gotten sick within the last week or so.  Nausea, vomiting, fever, muscle soreness...not fun.  I was thanking my lucky stars that I hadn't gotten sick when all of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks!  We were at the airport picking up Alex's little brother (more on that later) when I suddenly became very nauseated.  I ate a few saltine crackers from the airport lounge - yummy - and that seemed to calm my stomach.  I popped a piece of gum into my mouth, left the airport, put my kids down for a nap, and spent a few hours laying on the couch.  At around five o'clock I started to feel nauseated AGAIN but this time I also felt achy, feverish, and my neck was starting to hurt like it always does right before I get sick.  You know the feeling.  I managed to not throw up but I was definitely not feeling well.  I took my temperature and I indeed had a fever.  I skipped dinner in fear it would all come back up and very reluctantly went to the church to fulfill my obligations of babysitting the junior high youth group leader's kids.  My nausea came in waves...one minute I would feel fine and the next I would be rushing to the bathroom.  Nine o'clock rolled around and we packed up and went home.  My husband stopped at the store to get me some 7-Up - a MUST when I'm not feeling well - and then we came home, put Cale to bed, I took a bath, put Riley to bed, and then something miraculous happened!!!

I woke up this morning at eight o'clock!  I hadn't woken up at my usual times of midnight, two o'clock, four o'clock, six o'clock or seven o'clock.  Nine hours of REM! Not only had I woken up from a full night's sleep but I also woke up feeling rested and 100% better than when I had gone to bed. 

God must have known I needed my rest in order to feel better.  What a blessing sleep can be!  I feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel as far as getting Riley to sleep through the night, but I'm sure I'm jumping the gun on this one and she'll get me back tonight.  Oh well, the last five months made last night SO worth it!  

Anyway, so back to the airport.  Alex's little brother, Ben, was stationed in Pensacola, FL following graduating from boot camp and infantry training in San Diego, CA.  Ben is a U.S. Marine and we could not be more proud of him.  He is a different person now than when he left and that's not to say he was a "bad" guy before, but now you can just see the confidence and self-worth that has grown inside him since he left.  He returned home yesterday and is on leave until January 10th.  I have a renewed respect for our military now and thank everyone who stands in uniform this holiday season!

Riley, Riley, Riley...

Every day it seems like Riley is doing something new or at least getting better at doing something she's already learned.  She's quite the little entertainer these days, making us laugh by squealing at her toys or rolling over without the skills to get back.  Ugh, although this is funny it has posed quite the problem during the middle of the night.  Riley loves to be on her stomach but it's only on HER time, which is usually for only a minute or two.  She rolls from her back to stomach but then can't get back and so she WAILS until someone comes along to roll her over.  This is okay during the middle of the day but when she wakes up in the middle of the night and does it, it's a little irritating to be woken up by a screaming child only to see that she needs to be rolled over.  Silly girl.  She's got to learn to roll both ways soon, right?

She's also become quite fond of her big brother.  She's always been interested in him, watching his every move when he's near, but these days she's starting to interact with him which has been very fun to watch.  This morning Cale was playing with her feet...or maybe a better way to put it is that he was trying to take off her socks (more on that later), and Riley thought that was the funniest thing ever.  She giggled at him and once Cale realized she was actually paying attention to him he got extremely happy and started to laugh at her.  They giggled back and forth for probably a good five minutes, occasionally looking up at me to make sure I was watching.  It is so neat to see them act like brother and sister.  I can only imagine what it will be like when she gets a little older and they can really play together.

Okay, so Cale has an obsession with socks.  His socks, his sister's socks, my socks - everybody's socks.  He sees a sock and his mission is to get it off under any circumstance.  It doesn't matter if he has shoes on or even if we've tied quadruple knots in his shoelaces - he WILL get them off and ultimately his socks, too.  If I leave Cale alone with his sister for two minutes, he will have her socks off.  I don't know why he loves them so much because once he gets them off he doesn't do anything with them.  It's just the simple act of getting them off that brings him joy, I guess.  We have a place in our car that we refer to as the "sock graveyard".  This place rests right below his car seat since he generally likes to take his socks off in the car.  So if you're ever in the neighborhood and need a few socks, just take a peek into the back seat of our car. Sock heaven!  We've tried disciplining him for removing his socks and shoes but honestly, is it really that terrible of a thing for him to be doing?  I'm a firm believer in choosing your battles and this sock thing is a battle I choose not to fight.  What's the harm in bare feet anyway?  

It's kind of sad to know these days are almost over.  Pretty soon our kids will be all grown up - or at least out of the baby stage - and then we won't have to worry about things like them not being able to roll both ways or taking off their shoes and socks.  Everyone always says these times go by so fast and to enjoy them, and I always smile and say, "I know" without really knowing, but Cale's a toddler and Riley is nearing half a year old.  I'm starting to get a glimpse of how fast these times really do go by and it makes me a little sad.  

If they are growing so quickly does that mean I'm getting older, too?  

Do you ever have those days when you dream of your life being just a little bit different?I am having one of those today. I was driving down the street, in awe of how many people were on the roads, thinking to myself "shouldn't all of these people be at work?", when it hit me - I wonder what my life would be like if I were a working mom? I'm not going to touch on this too heavily because I realize in doing so it would be like opening up a can of worms, but I do have a few thoughts on the subject.

When Alex and I got engaged and maybe even before, I told him that under no circumstances was I going to be a stay-at-home mom. I wanted to work and I defended my position by sharing my own experiences growing up; both of my parents worked and I have zero horror stories of daycare, nor do I feel cheated out of any time spent with my mom and dad. I turned out just fine and I'm proud of my parents' decision to keep working when they had kids. Furthermore, by the time I got a little older I cherished the two hours I had alone between getting home from school and when my mom and dad got home from work. I don't think I got in too much trouble during those two hours, which is a big concern in today's debate of raising kids.

Before we had Cale I was employed at a brokerage firm in downtown Missoula. I really enjoyed my job and was learning quite a bit about the financial markets in today's economy. In the back of my head I knew it was a possibility that I wouldn't return after my three-month maternity leave but, good or bad, I wasn't upfront with my boss about my decision, mainly due to the fact that I myself hadn't committed 100% either way - continue to work or stay at home with my son? Well, Cale's entrance into this world left him in the hospital for the first two months of his life and so if I were to go back to work after my maternity leave was up, I would have only had him home for one month. No thanks, here's my resignation boss.

Although my decision to stay at home was partly due to our circumstances, I truly believe I am doing the best thing for OUR family. That's not to say having a parent stay at home is always the best decision. I'm a firm believer that every family is different and there is no right or wrong answer. Perhaps if we lived in a bigger city there would be more options for specialized daycare for Cale, but unfortunately I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving Cale anywhere here. I'm also a pretty big sap when it comes to leaving my kids - the first time I left Cale in the nursery at church I cried like a baby. I'm not sure I would do too well leaving them for a whole day because I have yet to leave Riley alone for more than an hour, and even then it was either with Alex or my family. I swear I'm not one of those over-protective mothers, I don't think?

HOWEVER, if I were to be a working mom or at least a mom that did something outside of the home, I think I would first go back to school and get my nursing license. Especially when we spent all of that time at the hospital after Cale was born I realized being a nurse was my calling. I would maybe even want to be a NICU nurse, even though it would be incredibly emotionally challenging. I LOVE helping people and getting a peek into their lives, sharing stories, and connecting with others on a level that the general public doesn't. And as disgusting as you might think this is, I LOVE hospital food! I'm a little embarrassed about that last sentence and I'm debating on erasing it but I think I'll leave it be...

Back to working versus staying at home; for our family, having me stay at home is the best option for us because I would miss out on so much of Cale's care. We have therapists come into our home three days a week and if I working, I would miss out on what they were working on and most importantly I would miss out on seeing him make progress. Some of my best days are when I see Cale overcome something we've been working on for months and months! Overall, Cale just has some special needs that I don't think he could get at a normal 8-5 daycare. Socialization is a big concern of mine but he's around kids his age at least three to four times a week; not as often he would be if were at a daycare but still often enough to keep my nerves in check. :)

I used to think stay-at-homes didn't have any "worth"...after all, all they did was sit at home cooking and folding laundry. Ha, that's funny. I was worried I would feel like I wasn't contributing to anything with my life if I stayed at home with my kids, but now I realize I'm contributing in the best way I know how to the two most important things in my life - Cale and Riley. For me and my family, at home is where I belong and I am so thankful we are able to make that choice.

Maybe some day when the kids are older and in school I can go back to school and get my nursing degree...or do whatever I choose to do. That's the beauty of living in America.

Sans Kids

I'm going to try and get through an entire post without mentioning my kids.  I love them dearly but as I periodically re-read through my blog I notice that ALL of my comments have to do with them.  I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with that but there is more to my life than just my offspring.  We'll see how I do...

So I have been trying to Christmas shop for Alex the past couple of weeks but I have had ZERO luck!  I even have the benefit of a LIST that he himself gave me, but for some reason my attempts have come back void.  Grr.  I tried to offer not doing Christmas for each other this year but apparently that idea wasn't taken with the same enthusiasm I shared for it.  He tried to tell me that even if I thought it was a good idea at the time that I would ultimately be disappointed on Christmas when there weren't any presents for me under the tree.  I'm not going to deny that as a possibility but it sure would cut down on the amount of work.  Is that un-American?  Besides, shopping with two kids is sometimes downright impossible! (whoops, mistake #1)

One of the things I enjoy most is working out.  After Cale was born (mistake #2) Alex and I got a membership to a gym and I probably went on an average of six days a week for nearly two years.  When I was pregnant with Riley (mistake #3) I tried to go everyday and by the time I was full-term, people started following me around just to make sure I wasn't inducing myself into labor. (trust me, near the end I tried many times!)  Working out does a few things for me; one, it just makes you feel good.  I usually go in the mornings and so I end up feeling refreshed for the rest of the day.  Two, it gives me a mini-break from my kids. (mistake #4)  I drop them off at the daycare and I have a full hour and a half to myself.  Bliss!!!  Well, I am embarrassed to admit that YESTERDAY was my first day back to the gym since Riley was born. (mistake #5)  It felt so good to sweat and get my heart rate back up!  Sounds a little gross but there's nothing quite like building up a good sweat.  I'm a little sore today but other than that I feel great.  Alex and I have made a promise to each other that we are going to start going to the gym during his lunch hour.  I went by myself on Wednesday because he had a lunch meeting but tomorrow is our first day going together!  I'm excited!

Well I should probably go rescue my daughter.  She's napping in her crib and I'm betting by the sound of her cry that she's rolled over onto her stomach and can't get back.  Ugh, it's so annoying - she loves to roll over but then gets so mad when she can't roll back.  I hope she learns to roll both ways soon because this new activity really interrupts her good mood. (mistake #6)

Six mentions of my kids isn't that bad, right?   Nah, I think I did pretty well. :)

What Are You Celebrating This Christmas???

I was asked by someone to poll three to five people on what they were celebrating this Christmas. As I thought about who I was going to ask I first thought that maybe I, myself, should answer the question.  What am I celebrating this Christmas?

Honestly, the first thing that comes to mind is FAMILY.  I have two kids and my youngest is going to experience Christmas for the first time.  I realize she won't remember a thing but at least we can show her pictures when she gets older.  My son also won't remember this Christmas but he's at the age when he can at least get involved with opening presents and getting excited about what's inside.  I love going to church on Christmas Eve - getting all dressed up and singing carols. I remember one particular Christmas Eve, after the service ended we walked outside and it was snowing like crazy!  You know, the really big snowflakes that fall slowly to the ground?  Ah, it was beautiful.  Ever since then that's the picture I get in my head when I think of Christmas Eve...that and a big mug of hot cocoa!  

Aside from family, I'm also celebrating answered prayer.  This past year has been full of challenges and victories.  When I think of where Cale was a year ago compared to where he is now, I can only contribute his progress to answered prayer.  He wasn't even able to sit up yet on his own and now he's close to walking.  Amazing!  He can eat more foods and eat them well.  He's able to communicate with us through sign language and gestures whereas this time last year it was just a guessing game...a very frustrating guessing game.  Again, answered prayer.  We also gave birth to a HEALTHY, BEAUTIFUL baby girl and this time last year, although she was only the size of a peanut and deep inside my belly, we could only hope for a full-term pregnancy and a smooth delivery...answered prayer!  My family is healthy and thriving and at the risk of sounding redundant, it's only because of God answering our prayers.  We are so blessed this Christmas season.

Ok, so I'm celebrating family and answered prayer but I can't really celebrate those things without including the Giver of everything I have to celebrate:  our Lord, Jesus Christ.  After all, it is His birthday that this season is all about.  He has been my ultimate provider - He's given me a wonderful husband and two beautiful children.  He's provided my husband with a thriving career that in turn has allowed me to stay home with my kids.  He's put a roof over my head and kept food on our table.  He's provided many coffees throughout my years which may sound trivial, but coffee brings me great enjoyment and for that I am thankful. :)  He's also provided me with WONDERFUL friends, all of whom have kept me sane when I could have easily spun off into a different galaxy.  Our support system in our little town of Missoula could not be more sound and for that I will forever be in debt.  My family could not have survived this last year without the incredible people in this town.  God has also provided all of the resources to get the help Cale needs - therapies, insurance, pediatric specialists, and most importantly the funds needed to afford the aforementioned things.  God has really taken special care of us throughout the year, and for that I will celebrate.  Also, my mother, father, and sister...it started out as just the four of us and although we have now married off and gone our separate ways, I still reflect on the Christmas traditions we created as a family and only hope my very own family can create meaningful traditions like the ones we used to share.  I'm so blessed to have a mother who is also my best friend, a father who to this day is my Knight in shining armor, and my sister who would still let me hang out with her and her friends if given the chance.  I still feel like the baby in the family whenever we all get together, even though I'm married now and have two kids, but in some ways that's the most comforting place to be.  The Lord could not have raised me up in a better family than the one I grew up in.  For that I will be eternally blessed.

So I leave you with this question:  What are YOU celebrating this Christmas season?

So things are a little better since my last post.  My grief goes in waves and so when I wrote that last one I must have been at the lowest spot on the wave. :)  

On Sunday we went to church as we usually do but this Sunday was a little different than most.  I have started going to a class that discusses the book, The Purpose of Christmas by Rick Warren.  It's my first Sunday School class and I think I'm really going to enjoy it. I get less and less excited for Christmas each passing year, mainly because it always involves more and more work, and so it'll be nice to be reminded of what Christmas is truly about.  Along with my new class, Cale is now eligible to attend the two's and three's Sunday school class.  This milestone is bittersweet for me because it means that one, he's getting older and growing out of my sweet baby boy and two, it's just another reminder of how different he is from his peers.  Alex volunteered to go with Cale to his class since he can't really do anything by himself.  The format of the class usually involves singing songs, sitting in a circle while someone teaches a story from the Bible, then some sort of craft followed by a snack.  Cale can sit and listen to the story but that's about it, or at least without any help.  

Poor Alex...I'm not sure he was emotionally ready to see Cale in a mix of normal developing kids his age.  I'm around Cale more often when he's around other kids and so I'm a little more used to it; it still hurts but I've developed a pretty thick skin, or so I think.  Alex said Cale did great - he walked in a circle with everyone while they sang a song, he sat quietly and listened to the story, tried to eat his goldfish and water with everyone else at the table, and even managed to scribble a streak of blue crayon on the craft Christmas ornament.  Alex, on the other hand, was reminded in a huge way of how different Cale is from his peers.  Although the other kids were not mean to Cale, they certainly noticed his differences and asked questions of why he is the way he is.  It sounds like Alex handled all of the questions magnificently but even I would have had a hard time being in that situation.  I know as Cale gets older the questions will come more and more often but I suppose we'll just cross that bridge when we get there.  

You can bet one thing is for sure, though - the Christmas ornament that Cale made is going to be front and center on our tree.  I've never been so proud of a scribbled streak of blue crayon.  

Hills and Valleys, Highs and Lows

If you have been keeping up with my blog, you might remember a former post about my emotional highs and lows in regards to Cale.  At that particular time I was on a "high" - Cale was making great progress and had the attitude of an angel!  I was in good spirits and had faith that Cale could conquer the world!  Well, I have inevitably hit my low.  I am so discouraged and sitting in my "poor me" pool.  I don't like to feel this way and hate myself for it.  When things are good they are REALLY good, but when things are bad they are REALLY bad.  I'm sure all parents feel this way but right now I feel very alone.

Cale has been refusing to eat the past couple of days which is probably the most stressful thing he can do.  His speech therapist thought he was making great progress but it now feels like we are back at square one.  He had breakfast yesterday but refused to eat anything after that.  He's an absolute crab since he's so hungry but yet he won't eat.  I wish I knew what was going through that little mind of his!  We are trying to get him to eat more solid foods so that his main nutrition doesn't have to come from the Pediasure he drinks.  I've made him every food under the sun in hopes that he will take a liking to it but no such luck.  I've wasted a lot of time and a lot of money.  The funny thing is I would spend all day in the kitchen if it meant he was eating something.  

His physical therapist told me she definitely things walking will happen for him but it might take him as long as three more years to master it.  He'll be five by then.  I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to take a five year old places when he can't walk.  I just want him to be able to run around and play with all of the other kids.  Right now he just watches and it breaks my heart.  

Being a parent is hard enough but having to be a parent to a child with special needs has challenged me in ways I never thought possible.  Some days I think it's amazing I even get through them.  I hate when my mind wanders to the fact that our time on earth is only temporary, and some day I will be in heaven where there is no pain and there are no tears.   I want to be able to enjoy life, each and EVERY day, not just the good days.  That is my prayer.

Some days I wonder if the sun will ever come out from behind the clouds.

Love Hurts

Have you ever loved anyone so much it hurt?  Okay, so that question is kind of cliche but I've found myself literally hurting over how much I love my family.  Sometimes I look at my kids and become so overwhelmed with love that I start to cry.  I'm not sure why I cry because I honestly don't think I'm THAT emotional of a person, but the tears just come whether I want them to or not.  

I remember a time when I thought I never wanted kids.  I wanted to be a career wife and have all the time and money to do whatever I wanted with my husband.  I wanted to travel, live in a big city in a high-rise apartment, and go see broadway shows on Friday nights.  I admit, there are days when my mind wanders to that time and dreams of that again, but my life here in Missoula with my husband and two kids is exactly where I want to be.  You hear people say you'll never a experience the kind of love you have for your children until you actually have them, and it's every bit true!  I don't know what I would do if anything ever happened to them.  They are what makes my world go 'round.  

And then there's my hubby.  I'm not quite sure what I did to deserve him.  There really are no words to describe the love I have for him or what he means to me.  I guess the best way to put it is that he strives to love me the way Christ loves His church, and when it comes down to it, there is no greater love than that.  I'm pretty darn lucky because I know I'm not deserving of that kind of love, but for whatever reason he does it anyway.  I'm not sure if I believe that there is just one person out there for people, but I know there is nobody out there better suited for me than Alex.  

I hope none of you are rushing to the bathroom ready to throw up all the mushiness I just fed you.  I really didn't intend to sound like a Hallmark card...

Being a mom and reflecting on how much my own parents love me, it makes me kind of embarrassed of how I treated them when I was younger.  Everything they ever did was only because they loved me and it makes me sick to my stomach to think how much I must have hurt them by going through my rebellious stage.  If my kids ever do that...!!!!!  Thank goodness I have a few more years before all of that.

Family truly is a gift from God and I am so thankful for the one I have.  

50th Percentile!

A big sigh of relief, at last!  

Ever since Riley was born I've heard nothing but "she's so small!"  Truth be told, she was only six and a half pounds at birth and so I suppose that's a little smaller than the average newborn but certainly still within the healthy spectrum.  I'm very sensitive about her size and so when people make comments about her being small or crack jokes about me not feeding her, I get a little offended and depending on the delivery of each comment, my feelings get hurt.  Perhaps it's because I just want things to be the cut-and-dry definition of "normal" with her and when something stands out as "not normal" I start down my spiral of worry. 

Well today was her four-month checkup and her weight and head size were both in the 50th percentile and her length was in the 75th percentile.  Completely normal!  Ha, now I can start telling people that when they make comments about her being small.  She also got her shots today and oddly enough, she got real red and made the crying face but no sound came out.  Once they were done poking her she acted as if nothing had happened.  I was sure we were in for a wailing child since that's what her big brother always does when he gets his shots.  So far today she's been a little crabby and won't really sleep for longer than twenty minutes at a time but hopefully that just means she'll sleep well tonight. :)

I am so relieved to know that Riley is "average".  She's doing everything she's supposed to be doing and when I asked our pediatrician if she saw any signs of her being like Cale, she looked at me like I had ten heads and said, "Erica, she's the most normal baby I've ever seen..."  Ah, music to my ears.

Cale's Birthday!!!

Saturday was Cale's 2nd birthday...it's amazing how fast two years go by.  We initially were not going to have a party for him (I know, I know - cruel, right?) but birthdays are kind of emotional for us since it's just ANOTHER reminder of how different he is from other kids his age.  BUT, we buckled under the pressure and went above and beyond our hopes for it.  We rented a huge inflatable slide and had his party up at our church.  Cale is in love with slides and even though it was rather expensive, seeing his smile and hearing him giggle was worth EVERY penny!  Alex was a good sport and spent almost the entire two hours taking him down it again and again and again....

My mom and sister drove up and were a huge help in helping organize everything.  I usually try and go over the top when it comes to hosting events but this time I decided to make everything as simple as possible: Papa Murphy's pizza, chips and dip, water, a homemade cake, and balloons.  Pretty simple, right?  The church had a kitchen and every appliance you could possibly need and so we pretty much had everything at our disposal.  The pizzas were the ones you bake yourself and since the church had two ovens we decided to bake them there.  Three adults were in charge of watching the timers...THREE!  That's plenty, right?  Well, we all got so wrapped up in watching the kids go down the slide that we completely forgot about the pizzas.  NOTE: pizzas do not need to cook for 45 minutes.  That's the last time I try and do something simple.  All in all, though, I think everyone had a good time.  I know Cale did and I guess that's all that matters.  

Even though Cale's two and not doing what most two-year olds can do, a nice man reminded me that it's quite amazing how far he's come in the two years he's been with us.  I remember his first birthday and thinking he would NEVER be able to sit up on his own.  Now, although he's not walking yet, I don't set any limits for him because he has proven to me and to everyone that he is capable of overcoming any obstacle set in front of him.  From the day he was only three pounds and fighting for his life, he has continued to fight for everything he can now do to this day. I don't see that stopping anytime soon.  The sky is the limit for my little guy!

Having to dream new dreams is actually a blessing for me - I've been able to dream things for him that I would have never dreamed before.