Good-bye January...HELLO February!

Thank goodness January is nearly over!!! This month truly might have come from the devil himself and I will wave good-bye to it with a smile on my face, without looking back.

Alex has been EXTREMELY busy at work ever since Christmas was over. His job requires submitting applications for this year's projects and this year Alex was solely responsible for completing them. I don't have a very good grasp on what this entails but I do know that he was out of the house before the sun was up and didn't get home until the sun went down. He went into the office on weekends and worked through the holidays that he should have had off. He then got disgustingly ill for about three weeks of the month which meant he had very little energy to go around once he got home. Most nights he either went to bed right after dinner or once the kids went down for bed. He worked so hard and I'm so proud to be a wife of such a hard-working man, but all of his hard work and time at the office meant all of that time I was spending alone with both kids. Not all of you may understand what a chore that was but let me tell you, I'm greeting the month of February with sommersaults and cartwheels!

I'm pretty sure Cale and Riley have had enough "mommy time" and are ready for some one-on-one time with Dad. I can be pretty cool but not for that many consecutive days!

As I type this I am reminded of an article I read in Parents magazine. It was written by a single mom who was so tired of hearing other moms complain about what their husbands did wrong, such as not putting on a diaper correctly or forgetting to put the bottle back in the fridge. The single mom was, rightfully so, annoyed that these moms were fretting over such little things when what they should have been doing was been grateful they had a partner to help raise their children.

Yes, I was exhausted this past month and my patience was tested day after day, but at the end of it all I am just thankful that Alex is my partner in this great journey of parenting. My hat goes off to the moms out there that do it all by themselves. I certainly could not and I have great respect for those who can and do.

Screams in the maternity ward...

I am blessed to be part of a church that not only cares about deepening people's relationships with God, but connecting with people on a real relational level as well. Alex and I have been given more love and support than we could have ever dreamed of over the past three years and I truly feel like I'm a part of a huge family here in Missoula. One of the ways our church helps people "relate" to one another is through bible studies. I go to a weekly bible study every Tuesday morning and I am so thankful for the women there. They prayed for me when Cale was first born and in the hospital, they brought dinners to my house when we were too busy going back and forth from the NICU to cook, they prayed for Cale when the term "cerebral palsy" was first introduced into our lives, and they sat with us when Cale had surgery. They listen to me - REALLY listen to me - when I share my concerns and fears. All in all, this bible study has helped me through some very difficult times in my life.

This year we are doing a study on returning to the Lord. "Coincidently", this particular study has come at a perfect time in my life. Today we specifically talked about crisis and whether or not that draws us nearer or farther away from God. I personally believe it has the ability to do both. For instance, when our pediatrician first mentioned that Cale might have cerebral palsy, I walked out of that office wishing so bad to be with my Father. I wanted to be in heaven where there are no tears and there is no pain. I didn't want to be here on earth anymore. I prayed more than I ever had before and I craved reading God's word. I clung to the feet of Jesus during those first few months. But then something changed. Whether it was due to the time that had passed or the fact that I had more time to process this new information, I became angry with God and I didn't want to pray anymore. I didn't want to read my bible. God could have prevented this and He even had the ability to heal Cale...but He didn't. And the longer He didn't, the further and further I got from Him.

Today I'm not quite sure where I am in my relationship with the Lord. I know He loves me and that He is using everything in my life for His glory, but I'm still a little angry. I'm not yet at a place where I can say I'm thankful for all the circumstances in my life, but I can say I'm thankful for Cale. I love him with all my heart and I know that some day, whether here on earth but definitely in heaven, I will understand the plan he has for my family.

With that said, an analogy was shared today that will most likely stick with me for quite some time. A woman talked about a time when she was standing outside of a labor and delivery room at the hospital, waiting to see someone, and as she stood there she heard screams coming from the room just down the hall. Loud screams, painful screams...screams that were obviously coming from someone who was in deep agony. But this woman didn't feel remorse or sadness towards the lady screaming, because she knew all of the screaming was going to lead to something beautiful and full of life. Compare that to someone screaming in a cancer ward or a pediatric unit. If you heard screaming then you would undoubtedly be filled with compassion and sorrow for whoever was in pain.

Using Cale and his life as an example, even though I scream and I cry and I hurt, those tears are being used for something good, something beautiful and something full of life. Cale's life will bring glory to God and even though I'm in pain, screaming, His plan will be finished.

Cuddles!

Cale has never been very interested in cuddling with me, or anyone for that matter.  He's never really taken naps with me or Alex and generally hates to be hugged.  He's a squirmer and has been since birth.  I think his dislike for snuggling goes back to his NICU days.  During his first two months of life he had to sleep all alone, getting held for only a couple of hours a day at most.  He was basically taught that touch was rare and to not crave it.  HOWEVER, if you catch him when he's real tired he does something that just makes your heart melt!  

I've only experienced this a handful of times but Alex sees it more for some reason. (Cale has a definite favor for Dad)  When Cale is extremely tired he will snuggle his head between your head and shoulder and even though he'll only stay that way for a few moments, it's enough to make up for all the lost cuddling during his lifetime! 

I was making Cale his afternoon bottle right before his nap and I knew he was tired because he had been yawning the whole time we were out running errands.  I was a little frustrated with him because he would not stay content unless I was holding him.  So here I am, frustrated, trying to make his bottle while holding him, and then he snuggled his little head right into my shoulder.  Frustration was immediately replaced with complete adoration!

This may sound simple and not worth much, but to me those few moments he let his head rest on me were priceless.

Riley, on the other hand, snuggles on anyone and everyone!  She's such a cuddler and will nap with me for hours!  I'm glad I can get my cuddle fix from at least one of my children, although I'm sure these days will fly by way too quickly and pretty soon she won't want anything to do with me. :(  

Enjoy the here and now, I guess.  

Help is a good thing...

Most of you who know me well know that I am almost incapable of receiving help...in regards to everything!  It can be something as small as dropping a pen and trying to pick it up while juggling two kids, grocery bags, a purse, and a latte and having someone ask me, "can I get that for you?"  My response is always, "no, I'm fine, but thank you!"  Or it can be something bigger such as going through a difficult time in regards to my son and having a friend ask me if there's anything they can do to help ease the stress load, emotional grief, etc. etc. etc.  Again my response would undoubtedly be, "no, I'm fine...but thank you!"  

I am in no way proud of this personality trait.  I'm almost certain life could be a lot easier if I just accepted help from people now and then.  It wouldn't have to be ALL the time...just some of the time.  I experienced this first-hand today.  

Alex has a cold that quite possibly could kill him. (not really, but if colds were rated on a scale from one to ten, this cold would be a twenty!)  Anyhow, our Sunday routine is to go to church and even though Alex elected to sit this one out, I decided it would be nice to let him have some get-well time and take the kids by myself.  It sounds easy and in theory it should be, but since Cale cannot yet walk and Riley is still in a car seat, taking them anywhere together where there are no shopping carts to drop them in is nearly impossible.  I work out but not nearly enough to make lugging the two of them around easy.  I managed to get them both inside the church but not without breaking a sweat.  I hobbled down the hallway in my high heels, Cale clinging and sliding off my hip, Riley's car seat being bumped and tossed against my leg with each step, my purse annoyingly slipping off my shoulder, and to make things more interesting Cale was DETERMINED to yank the earrings from my ear.  I finally reached the nursery only to realize that Cale didn't need to be in nursery but upstairs in his sunday school class.  "Okay, okay, that's fine because at least I can leave Riley here," I thought.  I dropped Cale off, ran back downstairs to leave the diaper bag with Riley, raced back upstairs to the room where I was leading a high school bible study, and finally plopped down in a big comfy chair where I could sit down and wipe the beads of sweat off my forehead.  Whew.

The bible study went well and it was nice to get a brief break from the kids.  I then went and got Cale from his class, took him downstairs to the nursery, took Riley FROM the nursery since she needs to eat every ten minutes, (not really, but it sure seems like it) and then proceeded to try and listen to the sermon while Riley was crinkling paper and yelling at me for trying to stop her.  After church was over I literally cringed at the thought of having to try and get the kids back out to the car all by myself.  Luckily, the husband of one of my best friends offered to go down to the nursery to get Cale for me.  I initially said no and told him I was fine to do it myself, but since he knows me better than that he insisted.  And then as if he wasn't helpful enough he offered to carry Riley to the car.  This time I insisted I was fine and could do the rest without his help but my girl friend very sternly said, "Erica, accept help when it's offered!!!"  Alright, alright, alright...

It was nice to walk out of the church without feeling like I was breaking my back.  It felt good...no, it felt great...to accept help.  Next time it's offered I might wait a few more seconds before I say, "no, I'm fine.  But thank you!"

Hey, Rome wasn't built in a day.  

Essay Time!

I am experiencing what I can only think of to call an internal battle.  I have started and stopped writing a particular essay what seems like a thousand times.  It's by far the most difficult thing I have ever been asked to do.

Cale is a "client" of the Child Development Center here in Missoula.  I'm not exactly sure of its purpose (government run programs never make any sense to me) but twice a month a "family support specialist" comes and visits our home to play with Cale, ask questions, fill out paperwork, etc.  About three months ago she mentioned a program that will pay for a child's therapies, special equipment, etc...for LIFE!  There is a huge waiting list and a pretty intensive application process, and although Cale will probably never get accepted (it's based on a "need" basis and compared to a lot of kids Cale's needs are very low) but we decided to get on the waiting list anyway, just in case.  One part of the application process is to write an essay on why you think your child needs this service.

Sounds easy, right?

My internal battle is not knowing how to put in words everything that is wrong with our son and how it's affecting our family.  We've been advised to not sugar-coat anything, make it as heartfelt as possible, and explain how our dreams of having a child were broken when Cale was diagnosed.  Ever since we found out that Cale was going to have some difficulties we have tried to be as positive as possible - and probably too positive at times.  Never have I wanted to portray a "poor me" attitude but that is exactly what this essay is asking me to do.  I'm not sure I know how to do that and I hate that I have to try.  I fear that in putting those thoughts on paper I will lose the little hope I have for Cale.  I know I'm already losing hope and I'm scared that this essay will be just enough to put me over the edge.  "Cale is going to be normal someday, it's just taking him awhile to get there", is what everyone always tells us.  

But what if he's not?  This essay has the power to lift a huge financial burden off our family and I can't even get past the first sentence.  

This is definitely going to stretch me, emotionally, in ways I have never gone before.  

A New Perspective

Yesterday I was reminded that even if I think the problems in my life are too difficult to handle at times, I am actually very blessed.

Alex and I have been in a bit of a "rough" patch the last several days.  Nothing serious but nonetheless not pleasant.  It seems we get on this ongoing and infinite cycle of needing more "alone" time, but with two kids and several weekly commitments, neither of us is getting that.  Patience is running thin in our household and I think we both desperately need a vacation.  Unfortunately warm weather and palm trees is nowhere near in our future.  Therefore, we're both just going to have to suck it up and be miserable.

Okay, "miserable" might be a slight exaggeration.

Yesterday Alex and I were informed that a couple in our church are going through a very difficult time.  The husband moved out and no one seems sure what lies beneath the reasoning behind such a shocking decision.  This man is very close to Alex and I know it breaks his heart to see his friend go through something so terrible.  It's always so unnerving to hear of news such as this because this couple is a believing family.  I know they love the Lord and will hopefully and ultimately seek His guidance in the days to come, but you always think these sorts of things don't happen to "christians".  But they do, and probably all too often.

Anyhow, Alex's and my need for "alone" time really got shoved on the back-burner after hearing this news.  In fact, our arguments about whose job is harder and why we're so exhausted just seemed so petty.  And they are petty.  In the grand scheme of things I am so lucky and blessed because I know with all of my heart and soul that Alex would never move out.  He would never leave me no matter how tough the circumstances, I just know it.  

Today I woke up loving my husband just a little bit more, and while I'm writing this I hear my daughter giggling on the floor - probably at the sight of her own hand - and it just makes me remember just how blessed I am.  

I can get more alone time in heaven, I suppose, because today I am counting my blessings.

Cale hits another milestone!

Yesterday marked one of Cale's greatest milestones!  As you know, he can not yet talk with words but he is making significant progress in using sign language.  I was running errands and feeling quite pleased with his terrific behavior and so I looked back at him in his car seat and asked him if he wanted to go to the mall to play on the train.  He, very sweetly, put his hand on his chest (please) and started kicking his legs in excitement.  Okay, okay, I'll pack both kids into the mall and let him play on the train for awhile.  This was huge for me because for one, taking both kids anywhere is always a giant task and two, yucky sicknesses are spreading like wildfire around Missoula and I'm sure the train is packed with every last one of those germs.  We got to the mall and Cale crawled over to the stairs, went down the slide, and instead of going up again like he always does (again and again and again) he crawled over to me and started whining.  I asked him what was wrong and he put his hand next to his ear (his sign for "tired") and looked at me so sweetly with his big, beautiful blue eyes.  It was nearing his nap time and so I asked him if he'd rather go home and take a nap than continue playing on the train.  Again, he put his hand on his chest (please) and smiled at me.  

Cale and I had our first conversation!  He was able to tell me what he wanted and then tell me what was wrong.  Amazing - simply amazing!  Even though this first conversation was nothing like I had imagined it, it was better than I thought it'd be.  

As he continues to improve with his sign language, he is also getting better at pointing to things he wants.  I can hold up two items and he can tell me which one he wants, rather than just sitting there and whining.  I can ask him to grab something and bring it to me, he will come to me if I ask him, and so much more.  His receptive language is amazing and I'm confident that eventually he will be able to use words.  Like all things in Cale's life, it will come in his own time. 

Welcome 2009!

A new year is upon us and I am so excited to see what it has in store for me, my family, and my friends.  I was reminiscing about 2008 and all that happened during that year.  It truly is amazing how much can happen in twelve months and even more amazing how quickly it seems to go by.  I thought I would try and remember the major events of 2008.  In no particular order, here it goes:

• Our beautiful baby girl was born! July 16, 2008
• My handsome little boy turned 2! November 29, 2008
• Cale learned to sit, crawl, EAT!, use sign language, cruise along furniture, walk with a push-toy, kiss, high-five, and so much more!  I'm so proud!
• I spent my last year in my early twenties.  2009 will officially mark a quarter century.  Yikes!
• All of my friends - Crystal, Julianne, Jenna, Marissa, Rachelle, and Sarah - either welcomed a new baby or found out they were expecting!  Congrats, I love all these little kiddos!
• Alex and I enjoyed a true vacation away from kids, albeit I was pregnant, in Cabo!
• Alex's little brother joined the Marines and graduated from boot camp.  So proud, Ben!
• My husband and I celebrated our 3-year wedding anniversary.  I love you, Alex!

There are probably several things I'm forgetting about but it's hard to remember a whole year!  I think overall 2008 was a terrific time in my life.  My family is alive and healthy, my kids make me smile every day, and my husband would go to the moon and back if I needed him to.  My mom and dad continue to thrive in the role as grandparents, my in-laws are basking in their empty nest, my sister continues to succeed at work and grow her family into something beautiful, and my friends have all been there for me in one way or another.  2008 was terrific, yes, but it wasn't always easy or enjoyable, and so I tip my hat to the people that held my hand and walked me through it.

I don't have any resolutions to announce for this new year, but I do have a few goals.  I'm not quite sure what the difference is between the two, but saying I have a goal sounds so much more achievable for some reason.  One of my goals is to be there for friends or family who need me.  I feel like I've been so "needy" ever since Cale was born and I'm ashamed that I haven't been able to give much back.  There's no doubt in my mind that I will probably continue to be needy this year, but I think I am finally in the right place to start being there for someone who needs me.  The role reversal will be quite refreshing, I'm sure.  Another goal I have is to be more consistent in letting my "yes" be yes and my "no" be no.  I feel like I get roped into a lot of things I'm not necessarily thrilled about doing because I have a hard time saying no.  On the other hand, I feel like 2008 marked a huge accomplishment in my life; I really believe I was fairly consistent in following through with doing things I said I was going to do.  Even though I improved on that last year, I really want to master it in 2009!  I guess a better way of putting that is I want to grow a backbone!  

I would say one of my goals is to become better organized but I just don't think that's going to happen. :)  With two little kids and several commitments during the week, it's amazing I even have the time to keep up with daily household chores.  Organization will maybe fall under my goals for 2010.  

All in all, I'm excited for this new year!  I'm excited to watch my kids grow even though seeing them grow makes me sad, I'm excited to spend a whole other year with my husband, and best of all I'm excited to see how I am going to grow.  God has been pretty creative in that department during the last several years and so we'll see what He has in store for me this year!

Here's to 2009!

I've been on a blog hiatus lately but not because I don't have anything to blog about; it's quite the opposite actually.  There are so many things running through my mind, from all that happened over Christmas to the daily frustrations of raising kids, that I just become so overwhelmed with the thought of putting those things into words.  Christmas was great and I could feel my heart inflate with joy, but now for whatever reason that joy is starting to disappear.  I'm not sure if it has anything to do with the post-holiday blues or if life simply isn't meeting up to my expectations.  Which brings me to my next point.

Cale has started going to the 2's and 3's Sunday School class at our church, as I'm sure I've mentioned before.  I am helping lead a class for high school girls and so Alex goes to the class Cale's in.  I thought it would be fun to meet Alex and Cale today when Sunday School was over but when I walked into the room I didn't see a happy Cale or even a happy Alex.  I saw what was a very "defeated" Alex and a semi-frustrated Cale. I had walked in during coloring time and for those of you who don't already know, Cale cannot yet color.  He tries but he's more into the actual paper than putting anything on it.  It was hard to see him sit there, months - if not years - behind his peers.  He was so different and it's becoming easier and easier for me to say that he "is" different.  I'm not sure why but I feel like in me saying that that I have somehow given up on him.  I don't feel like I've given up on him but I feel guilty for admitting to myself, and now to all of you reading this, that he is indeed different.  As I'm typing this I hear the saying "not bad, just different" in the back of my head.  No, Cale is not bad nor do I love him one ounce less than if he were perfectly normal, but I do hate that he's different.  I hate that he's different not because I'm embarrassed of him (I am absolutely NOT embarrassed of him) but I don't want his quality of life to be compromised because of this.  I dread the day when someone makes fun of him or calls him names behind his back.  I dread the day when his sister asks us why he is the way he is, although I'm confident she's going to love him anyway.  I especially dread the day when Cale asks us why he is the way he is or why God allowed this to happen to him.  I don't have those answers and I fear as a parent I'm going to fail him in some way.  I feel silly admitting these things because I know in my head that it's pointless to worry.  Worrying cripples me and I hate that.

On a more positive note, Riley has been amazing Alex and me a lot lately.  She has started to roll all over the place and pushes her chest completely off the ground with straight arms.  I can tell she's trying to get her legs underneath her to rock back and forth but she's not quite there yet.  It has been so refreshing to watch her develop all on her own!  We haven't needed a therapist to come in and teach her how to do those things...she just does it.  Amazing...

Alex said something while we were in Billings over Christmas and it has been stuck in my head ever since.  Talking to Cale he said, "even though you're not running around and talking, I'm still proud that you're my son."  

I'm proud, too, Cale.  I'm so very proud.