It's a BOY!

I had originally planned to wait to share this news until someone had the guts to ask me if I was pregnant or not, but apparently all of my friends are smarter than that and so I finally just decided to come out with it - I'm pregnant!  And we're having a boy! :)

This new addition to our family truly is God's way of slapping me in the face and reminding me that HE is in control.  Rewind about four months ago and you would have found Alex and me making the decision that after trying for a baby, getting pregnant and miscarrying, and then trying for another baby without success, that it was time to put an end to this emotional roller coaster and do something permanent.  Permanent is a heavy word but we didn't come to this decision overnight.  I had been praying for about six months that God would either give us another baby or completely take away my desire for another child.  Well, about a month before we got pregnant I felt an incredible peace about not having any more children.  In fact, I had come up with a million reasons why I didn't want any more kids.  I figured God had answered my prayer and taken away my maternal desire.  I remember marching downstairs while Alex was fixing our internet and telling him that I had decided we were done trying - no more kids for us!  Being the wonderful husband that he is, he just said "okay".  Our decision was made.

I called my doctor and made an appointment to discuss semi-permanent birth control options.  They scheduled me for one month later.

The day of my appointment came and I was reminded of a conversation I had had with the nurse a couple of days earlier.  She asked me if there was any possible way I could already be pregnant because it would be unsafe to start birth control if I were.  Being the paranoid person I am, I decided to take a pregnancy test just to be on the safe side.  I nearly passed out when I saw those two pink lines slowly become visible in the window.


WHAT?!?!  But I prayed about this and God completely took away my desire for another child!  This isn't part of the plan...I don't want this anymore...I don't want to be pregnant!  


I walked around the house in a daze for the next hour.  I paced back and forth, shaking.  I felt guilty for immediately having feelings of regret.  How did this happen?  Not knowing what else to do, I called my doctor and cancelled my appointment.  I thought about calling Alex and crying to him over the phone, but I didn't want to freak him out and telling him at work was hardly the appropriate place to deliver this kind of news.  So I just kept pacing.

Fast forward four months and here we are.  I am almost 17 weeks pregnant and we just found out we're having a boy.  I wish I could tell you that I've come full circle and that I'm thrilled about this new baby, but I just can't.  Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly thankful for this gift of new life, but now that I've had time to process things I find myself paralyzed with fear.  I'm scared beyond words about carrying this baby to term, and while I was aware of nearly every possible pregnancy complication when I was pregnant with Riley, those fears somehow never found a way to creep in.  This time around, however, everything that could go wrong is all of a sudden this huge blinking light staring me in the face every minute of every day.  I've prayed tirelessly that God would give me the kind of peace He gave me when I was pregnant with Riley but for reasons only He knows, He has yet to answer my prayers.  Peace is so hard to come by these days.

Despite these fears, I've found myself marveling in the love I have for Cale and Riley and just knowing that I am going to have another child to love that much makes me extremely grateful.  And a little boy no less!  I can't wait for Cale to have a little brother and I have to admit that I was a little relieved to know that the only estrogen in our house will be coming from either me or Riley...our house can't handle any more than that!  :)  Alex can't handle more than that...

Our little boy is set to arrive on July 18th - two days after Riley's third birthday!  Here's hoping he behaves and stays put until then!