Scared. Worried. Frustrated. Heart-broken. Guilty. Depressed. Overwhelmed. Sad. Angry. Impatient. Bitter. Dissatisfied.
Thankful. Hopeful.
These are words, both good and bad, describing my state of mind as of late. As you can see, the bad clearly outweigh the good. Life has been incredibly difficult over the last couple of weeks and I find myself climbing an impossible mountain. Cale's disability has taken a huge toll on me and my family and it seems as though all joy has been stripped from us, from me.
I find this road of raising a child with special needs to be painfully lonely. No one can possibly understand the heartache and the difficulty of it all, nor would I expect them to. I rarely, if it all, let people see my true emotions. I only write about them here. I spent the majority of today in tears, wanting nothing more than for something to go right for a change. Cale's health and mood continue to get worse and I'm exhausted from caring for him. I love him with all of my heart but breaks are few and far between, which is unfortunately taking a toll on my ability to be the best mom to him. My patience is thin and I'm constantly angry with myself for not being able to be better for him. I've been treading water for far too long and I'm drowning.
As Cale gets older I'm realizing more and more how different our life has to be from our friends' lives. Alex and I are figuring out that he or I can't just have a night out because it leaves the other one with a huge burden of caring for Cale on their own. Date nights are near impossible to plan, which is especially difficult for me to accept because going out on dates is something I need just about as badly as I need water. They are vital to my soul and I rarely get them. I'm also beginning to experience the sad reality that Cale's peers don't ask to play with him. I watch my friends' kids get invited over for play dates, but I can't remember the last time someone called and wanted Cale to come over. I thought I wouldn't have to deal with this until he was in grade school but I suppose that was just naive of me. Cale is different, therefore he will be treated differently...no matter how hard I fight for him.
As I read other people's blogs and get a peek into their lives, I'm reminded of how much I hate that most of what I write about are my struggles. My nature is to be a happy, optimistic, and full-of-life kind of gal, but sometimes I just need to get out that life sometimes sucks. The reality for us is that life is hard and we've been given a situation that makes it even harder. I would certainly appreciate your prayers as we try and navigate this road as best as we can.
I find this road of raising a child with special needs to be painfully lonely. No one can possibly understand the heartache and the difficulty of it all, nor would I expect them to. I rarely, if it all, let people see my true emotions. I only write about them here. I spent the majority of today in tears, wanting nothing more than for something to go right for a change. Cale's health and mood continue to get worse and I'm exhausted from caring for him. I love him with all of my heart but breaks are few and far between, which is unfortunately taking a toll on my ability to be the best mom to him. My patience is thin and I'm constantly angry with myself for not being able to be better for him. I've been treading water for far too long and I'm drowning.
As Cale gets older I'm realizing more and more how different our life has to be from our friends' lives. Alex and I are figuring out that he or I can't just have a night out because it leaves the other one with a huge burden of caring for Cale on their own. Date nights are near impossible to plan, which is especially difficult for me to accept because going out on dates is something I need just about as badly as I need water. They are vital to my soul and I rarely get them. I'm also beginning to experience the sad reality that Cale's peers don't ask to play with him. I watch my friends' kids get invited over for play dates, but I can't remember the last time someone called and wanted Cale to come over. I thought I wouldn't have to deal with this until he was in grade school but I suppose that was just naive of me. Cale is different, therefore he will be treated differently...no matter how hard I fight for him.
As I read other people's blogs and get a peek into their lives, I'm reminded of how much I hate that most of what I write about are my struggles. My nature is to be a happy, optimistic, and full-of-life kind of gal, but sometimes I just need to get out that life sometimes sucks. The reality for us is that life is hard and we've been given a situation that makes it even harder. I would certainly appreciate your prayers as we try and navigate this road as best as we can.
1 comment:
Our prayers are with you! And we would love for Cale and Riley to come over and play. The more the merrier!! Just let me know what times are best.
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