I now fully understand what God was doing when he sentenced women with the pain of childbearing as one of the punishments for Adam's and Eve's sins. I once thought women were getting off easy if you were to compare the two punishments given: a lifetime of work for the men and just a few hours of painful labor for the women. Plus, some genius invented the epidural and so now we are given the option of skipping the pain altogether.
I naively thought childbearing was solely defined as the actual act of labor - the several hours of agony between when the first contraction starts and when the baby finally pops out. I now think that the word childbearing may actually reference the entire nine months of having to carry the baby, also. Because let me tell you, this is no walk in the park and I can almost hear God punishing me with these nine months for the consequence of my sin alone.
My first two pregnancies were a breeze. I may have been a little bit more tired than usual but even using that as a complaint is a bit of a stretch. I honestly don't remember much about when I was pregnant with Cale but I definitely remember my pregnancy with Riley as some of the best nine months of my life. It is how I felt with her that made me think I wanted to do this again. But now that I am doing this again, please let it be known and written in the history books that I will never, ever, want to do it again.
This pregnancy has been one-hundred percent different than the last two. My husband keeps wondering if his wife is ever going to return to him. I'm even wondering if I will ever return to me. I literally feel like I'm having an out-of-body experience, able to look on from afar and recognize how completely unreasonable I'm being and yet not having the energy or drive to do anything about it. The last few months have been a tad better, I'll admit, as I don't think Alex has had to peek inside the door when he gets home from work to see what kind of house he's walking into. I'm sure there were nights when he'd drive by the house and have the temptation to just keep on driving. That's what I would have done if I were him. You know it's true love when a guy can stick around through everything I've been putting him through.
Aside from my emotional instability, physically I feel like I've gotten hit and run over by an eighteen-wheeler. At just six months pregnant I've already had the pregnant waddle for at least the last two. I literally feel like one day I'll be walking down the street and !PLOP! my baby will fall out right there on the sidewalk. The pressure is indescribable. I keep going to the gym and trying with all my might to stick to my workout routine, but I'm pretty sure one of these times someone is going to have to escort me out in a wheelchair. I have it in my head that the reason I felt so great when I was pregnant with Riley was because I exercised nearly every day, and so logically if I just keep at it I will start feeling normal again??? I'm not too sure my logic is very good. I'm in a constant state of worry thinking, this cannot possibly be normal! Something is wrong! I lay in bed at night and cry myself to sleep because I am so afraid of having another premature baby. I've been down that road once and I know for a fact that I never want to have to go through that again. How does one NOT worry? I've prayed since the very beginning that God would give me peace throughout this pregnancy but apparently He's trying to teach me something that I'm just not able to get through my thick skull. I would love for just one day to be able to make it through without having an anxiety attack over thinking something is wrong.
Aside from all the worry and all the discomfort, I do remind myself daily that I am so blessed to be carrying another little human. I try not to complain because I know nine months is a blink of an eye compared to the lifetime I will have with this child, but man, it sure would be nice to not feel like my body has been invaded and taken over by aliens.
Pregnancy. What a journey!
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