one year later

A sweet friend of mine approached me about a month ago and offered to throw me a baby shower.  I honestly hadn't given much thought to the idea of having another baby shower, especially since this is my third child and I already have baby boy clothes of Cale's.  Would people think I was a greedy snob for asking for even more stuff to add to our already plentiful baby collection?  I really didn't see a need for gifts and when I told my friend about my concerns of her throwing me a shower, she laughed and simply reminded me that it wasn't about the gifts but about celebrating this new baby's life.  Okay, okay...how can one say no after putting it like that?  I agreed to the shower but not without lingering feelings of guilt.

My shower date is set for June 11th.  When I made a list of dates that worked for me this particular one stood out in my mind like bold print.  I thought perhaps I was forgetting someone's birthday or anniversary but I never could put my finger on it.  My friend picked this date and sent out the invitations, all the while leaving me wondering why on earth that day was leaving a fingerprint on my mind.  I had all but forgotten about it until driving home from running errands this last weekend.  June 11th of last year was the day we lost our baby when I was twelve weeks pregnant.

I remember that day so vividly.  The initial phone call to my doctor, the half hour of waiting in the waiting room, the seemingly blank ultrasound picture, and then the drive back to the hospital that afternoon to have our baby removed from my body.  Days like that day belong in movies, not in real life.  Not in my life.  But now, a year later, I feel surprisingly little.  I'm not sad or angry or regretful.  If anything I'm a little embarrassed of how void my emotions are.  Is it because I have this new baby to look forward to that I don't miss the life that could have been?  Or is it because the imminent arrival of this baby makes me realize that I've needed the last year to prepare for myself for this upcoming transition?

June 11th of this year will be a day filled with joy.  I'm so thankful that my friend convinced me that a baby shower isn't just about getting gifts but rather about celebrating a new life.  The coincidence of it all is just too uncanny to be a coincidence.  I think God is gently reminding me that He is in control and even the trials He allows into my life are woven perfectly into His plan.