columbus, ohio

I have so much emotion stirring in me right now that I am going to try really hard to stay on point as I write this post but I can't make any promises.  Just thought I'd throw that in while I still can.

I feel as though this coming week has the potential to wrap up our struggles of the past five years into one little pretty box.  I'm reminded of the days when Cale was a baby, maybe four or five months old, and I would literally walk with him upright for two or three solid hours in hopes of keeping his last meal down. I remember feeling so defeated when after those hours of walking he would spit up immediately upon laying him down.  Food has always been Cale's enemy and getting him on the growth charts, and keeping him there, has always been one of our greatest challenges.  The problems Cale faces with food have just gotten worse and worse over time and I finally feel like this trip to Ohio is going to give us the answers we have needed all along.  I want to hope that.  I need to hope that.

But the truth in all of this is that I am absolutely and utterly terrified.  I'm scared for the procedures and tests that Cale will have to endure.  They are going to be painful and extremely uncomfortable and I'm scared to have to look him in the eye while he's miserable and tell him that mommy can't make it better.  I'm scared after all is said and done that we won't have the answers we were so desperately hoping for.  I'm scared of the doctors telling us that there's nothing they can do for him.  I'm scared that the life we've been merely getting through is going to end up being a life sentence.

We leave for Columbus, OH on Sunday at the painful hour of 5:50 am.  Thank goodness we live in small city with a small airport that allows us the luxury of arriving at the airport forty-five minutes prior to our departure time.  Cale will be admitted into the hospital on Monday and from then on it's test after test after test.  We are leaving Riley behind with Grandma and taking Cash since he's basically a lesion of me.  Leaving Riley is no easy task and I'm sick to my stomach about it.  Nothing about this trip is going to be fun. We will fly home on the following Saturday.

I'm scared of the can of worms this trip is going to open.  You see, I haven't allowed myself to cry about Cale in a very long time.  It's been months, before Cash was even born, and to give you perspective of the timeline, I used to cry weekly over him.  Even when Alex pours his emotions on me about our struggles with Cale I refuse to let myself cry.  It's a conscience decision I make and for the life of me I don't know why I do it.  I think maybe it's because tears are tangible evidence of my heartache and sometimes it's just easier to pretend that the hurt isn't there.  I feel guilty for being sad and for wishing that my life was different.  God gave me this life for a good purpose and so who am I to doubt His plan for me.  I want to be strong, for myself and for Cale, but even as I write this I feel the lump in the back of my throat that signals that maybe a good cry will make things a little better.  I just know I am going to be an emotional wreck this entire coming week.

As I was laying in bed awake last night I was trying to count up the number of hospitals and specialists we have taken Cale to since he's been alive.  I honestly can't remember some of them and a lot of them seem to mold into one.  Ohio is by far the furthest we will have traveled to seek help.  My mind keeps wandering to what we will do or where we will go if this trip isn't successful.  I want so badly for this to be the end of the road; for this to be our winning ticket!  I want Cale to live a life free of pain.  I want for him to be able to eat a fruit snack or enjoy a glass of water on a hot summer day.

Here's to hoping that our trip to Ohio will bring us one step closer to making those things a reality for Cale.