Blah!

I feel like I am in one of those ruts again.  The kind of rut that leaves me lacking joy in nearly everything.  I hate when I get like this because everything seems so utterly hopeless, and yet I know in my head that that couldn't be farther away from the truth.  I know I have hope but I want to physically be able to feel it, and for whatever reason I just can't.  This sucks.

Cale is at the center of my hopelessness.  I feel as though God just doesn't care about the misery going on in our lives.  Does He not see how desperate we are down here?  And if He does, why isn't He doing anything about it?  Why do our prayers go unanswered?  It would be tremendously helpful to understand the will of God.

I don't want to just sit here and rant about all of the things that seem to be going wrong in our lives, but I do wish there was someone who could know my suffering without my having to tell them.  I feel like I all too often put on a brave face and try to be Super Mom, but the truth of the matter is that I hate Cale's disability. I hate what it does to our family and to me individually.  I feel like it robs me of my joy. Each day is just another twenty-four hours I'm forced to get through.  I don't want to live to just so that I can get through it faster...I want to enjoy life and make the most of this short time we have here.  These days I feel like that's impossible.  I want to wake up and be excited for the day ahead.  I don't want to wake up with the same twinge of trepidation in my stomach.

I went to dinner last night with a group of moms that all have children with special needs.  I love these times because it's the only time other moms understand why it's necessary to be constantly obsessed with their children's bowel movements or why having therapists in and out of your house all week long is so draining.  They understand my worries about Cale's future and can equally share in the joy of something as small as Cale swallowing a bite of apple sauce.  I don't have to tell them how much life can suck sometimes because they are feeling the same way.  I don't have to explain how it's possible to love my child so much but yet feel as though being around them is sometimes unbearable.  They get all this because they live this.  It's with these moms that I am free of the guilt from having these thoughts.

I want so badly for Cale to be healed.  I want to know the sound of his little voice calling out "Mommy!".  I want to watch him run and jump on our bed and beg to watch cartoons.  I want him to get mad at me for not letting him have sweets before bedtime.  I want him to love himself.