normal mom things

Being Cale's mom sometimes feels like the loneliest place in the world.

No, it is the loneliest place in the world.  Or at least in my world.

I want to be a normal mom.

With summer winding down and school back in session, moms are excitedly dropping their kid off for their first day of school and having to hide back the tears when their child doesn't want them to kiss them good-bye or drop them off too close to the front of the school.  Moms are fighting to sign up their kids for soccer, gymnastics, dance, and t-ball.  Their schedules are crazy and their calendars are all marked up with different activities with lists of whose responsible for taking who where.

Today was Cale's first day of school and we have spent several weeks preparing him for this day.  The mere mention of the word has brought on a bucket of tears and hours wasted with anxiety.  It's very difficult for Cale to forget anything and we're learning that it's becoming more and more of a struggle to redirect his thoughts and attention, therefore an entire day can be spent assuring him that his first day of school is going to be okay.  Last night we had our first big success of talking about school without encountering a major meltdown.  I pretended to be his teacher and went over what I thought she might ask him when she saw him for the first time.  He seemed to like that and we saw our first glimpse of excitement in him.  He actually went to bed without crying about today's looming events.  Success!

We woke up this morning and only had a few bouts of whining.  He ate breakfast, got dressed, brushed his teeth and we were all ready in perfect time to take a few 'first day of school' pictures.  I was relieved to see that he was in a good enough mood to smile for the camera.  In fact he even seemed excited which filled my heart with unexpected joy.  After pictures we hopped in the car and the drive to school was relatively calm.  We went over what he was going to tell his teacher if she asked him what he did this summer and that seemed to lighten the mood.  Once we pulled up in front of school I could tell he was becoming more and more anxious, and sure enough it was a tiny bit of a struggle to get him to walk into his classroom.  He clung to Riley and shed a few tears when it was time to say good-bye but as soon as we turned the corner the cries muffled out so I'm assuming he calmed down rather quickly.  We survived the first day of school drop-off.

Needless to say, I wasn't crying over how independent and grown up my little boy was becoming.  I walked away wishing that for special days like these I could be a normal mom.

With summer winding down, our schedule is changing and a new routine is about to begin.  My calendar is full and life is about to get crazy.  However, instead of fighting to get Cale signed up for t-ball or soccer, I am fighting to schedule his many therapies so that we can get through the week with a tiny bit of free time.  My calendar is full of doctor appointments, case worker meetings, and conferences on how to maximize Cale's potential.  I wish so badly that I was a normal mom that could sign my son up for normal things.

With Cale getting older and his peers growing right along with him, I feel that we are on the journey to getting left behind.  It seems as though my girl friends get together because their kids enjoy playing together...they ask to play together...and no one ever asks to play with Cale.  I feel as though I am getting left behind which is both incredibly hard for me to admit and incredibly difficult for me to accept.  I always thought Cale's differences would affect him in this way, never me.  I just want to be a normal mom.

The crappy thing about all of this is knowing that Cale probably wishes he were normal a million times more than I wish I were a normal mom.  My heart just aches for him, for us.