confession

I've been feeling a tad guilty lately over my emotions regarding my son.  Yes, Cale's struggles and life journey have put me through the ringer and then some.  I've experienced a side of grief that I never had before and my good days and bad days seem to change so fast that it's hard to keep track of which kind of day I'm having.  I'm always aware of our situation because Cale is constantly with us (thank God) which makes it hard to escape from the different life that God has given us.  I used to have periods in my life, mostly when Cale was younger, when I would constantly wish that Cale were like all of my other friend's kids.  I compared Cale to his peers until my head would nearly spin off into the universe until finally comparing him to other kids got to be so depressing that I shut that part of my brain off completely.  Those periods of wishing Cale were normal used to be a daily struggle, but thankfully those years turned into days and now I only seem to have those moments a few minutes at a time.  I truly love Cale for who God created him to be and even though it's impossible to say for sure, I don't think I could love my children as fully if we had been dealt a normal life.  I'm definitely in a place where I can genuinely thank God for Cale and accept that he is exactly how God intended to create him.

I've been feeling guilty because this surgery seems like such a big deal to me.  And it is...to ME.  If someone were reading this who had lost a child or was helping a child fight cancer I'm pretty sure they would roll their eyes at my sob story and sarcastically tell me boo hoo!  And I get it.  This surgery is not life or death and even though it's going to forever change the way Cale's body works, God willing he will recover just fine and make positive steps forward.  Like I said yesterday, this surgery is not a quick fix and  we have a very long road to go down from here, but Cale will get through this.  We all will.

With that said, Cale's surgery is tomorrow morning at 8:30.  We met with the surgeon today and he affirmed our decision to go forth with it.  He fully agreed that this was necessary and for the moment put my mind at ease.  Cale's recovery time in the hospital will all depend on how quickly his intestines "wake up" and if we can manage his pain effectively.  The surgeon said anywhere between three to seven days in the hospital and then another six to eight weeks until Cale is finally feeling like himself.  We've tried our best to prepare him for what's going to happen and I think he gets it, or at least as much as a five year old can get something like this.  He gets incredibly excited when we tell him it won't hurt anymore when he eats and the thought of being able to drink as much water as he wants throws him into fits of giggles.  He also doesn't mind that he gets a couple weeks off from school. :)  I think he's ready and I think I am, too.

It's been a long road leading up to tomorrow and I don't know how we could have got through it as well as we have without the love and support from our friends and family.  We truly have an army of supporters and it blows me away to see everyone surround us with prayer and love.  I have some of the greatest friends who have offered to bring us meals and the thoughtfulness of everyone just tickles me to pieces!  I think I've said this before but I really hope I can be as great a friend to those who have been so kind to us during this entire journey.  So, thank you for all of the help, for reading this and checking in with Cale, and for praying for our family.

Tomorrow this part of our journey will all be behind us...