surgery update

I've been trying for the last hour to put into words what's going through my mind and how I'm feeling but each time I get a sentence down my finger latches onto the backspace button.  So rather than try and make sense of my emotions I will just simply say this:

Cale is going in for surgery on Thursday.  I've been tempted many, many times to call all of this off and postpone it for a few more months.  I suppose in my mind I think a few more months will make me more ready for the changes that are about to take place in our lives but the truth in all of this is that I will never be ready.  No amount of time is going to take away my fear and doubts.  I'm scared beyond belief and the dread inside of me almost feels too much to bear.

My emotions make no sense to me.  We've been waiting for this day for years and now that it's finally here I find myself back peddling on our decision.  I've been alerted to many of the cons of the two procedures Cale will have and even though there is no other way to fix a hiatal hernia, I'm wastefully wishing there was another way.

We are meeting with the surgeon tomorrow for a pre-op appointment and we should know more after that.  Right now it's my understanding that Cale will be recovering in the hospital for seven nights.  Alex is currently in the middle of his work's busiest time of year and will not be available to take time off, which leaves me as the only parent to be with Cale. (my mom and mother-in-law will be here to help off and on)  Based on experience, hospital stays are incredibly hard and taxing and this will be the longest one we've done yet.

I want to try and get a list of things we need prayer for but right now I can't seem to think straight.  I will say this, though.  Even amidst all of my fear and dread, I am confident that God's provision over us is pure.  I believe in His sovereignty and trust Him with Cale.  I'm so thankful that our God is good and that He forgives me when I let fear overshadow His perfect plans for us.  Thank goodness He is in control because if I were in the driver's seat I would be adding and deleting things from my calendar faster than I could type them.  I'm thankful for this Thursday and the road God has paved for us to get here.

God is good.