Having a child with special needs sure makes life interesting and keeps me on my toes.  I've always said there is never a dull moment in our household and, oy,  has that been ringing true lately.  Some days I feel as though life is comparable to a relaxing day at the beach; sitting with my toes buried in the sand while sipping a fruity umbrella drink and getting a tan.  Life is good.  Other days, not so much.  Sometimes I feel like life has me on the course of a crashing wave, constantly beating and churning me beneath the waves, never allowing me to come up for air.  And oddly enough the days at the beach are on a fairly predictable cycle.  Change is the one determining factor in what makes the difference between a sunbathing kind of day and a drowning kind of day.

We are embarking on another season of change at the Burkhalter household and so far this whole experience has left me gasping for air: the beginning stages of transitioning Cale into kindergarten.

Let me give you a moment to let that sentence sink in.

Yes...kindergarten!


I can hardly believe my little three pound preemie is starting kindergarten next year.  When did I become old enough to have a child that old?  Eeesh.

With his last year of preschool winding down, we met with his teacher for a regularly scheduled parent teacher conference last week.  I love these conferences because it's always a time when we get to hear from his teachers how amazing our little guy is.  They seem to have all fallen in love with him over the past two and a half years and his educational circle has become a place of comfort for both Cale and me.  It's apparent they have a genuine desire for anything and everything that is in his best interest and as a parent, there is no greater feeling than having other people root for your child as much as you do.

Towards the very end of this meeting as we were wrapping things up, his teacher put a little sticky note atop of our papers that had the date and time for our official transition meeting into kindergarten.  It was set for April 26th at Hawthorne Elementary School.

Hawthorne Elementary School???


But we live a five minute walk away from Chief Charlo, the school we have been planning for all of our children attending.  Chief Charlo, the school my fellow special needs moms have given their stamp of approval.  Chief Charlo, the school that was a big deciding factor into the purchase of our house.  Chief Charlo, my dream school for my kids.

Needless to say, that little sticky note came as a complete surprise.  I fumbled through my words and asked why our transition meeting into Chief Charlo was taking place at a different school.  His teacher simply responded by saying, "because that's where he'll be going next year."  It was obvious to her then that we had no idea this was coming.  In true Erica fashion I broke into tears and we left the meeting agreeing to meet with the head of the special needs program in our school district do discuss our options.

We had that meeting earlier this week.  I was far more prepared this go around to deal with things emotionally, aka no crying.  They explained their thought process into assigning Cale to a different school other than his neighborhood school.  They did a good job of listing the pros and cons to each and I left the meeting feeling more prepared to make this decision.  We are going to try and quickly squeeze in a meeting with both principals, and hopefully maybe even observe a kindergarten class at both schools before we need to make our final decision.  I feel good about being proactive in deciding where he'll spend the next six years and when all is said and done, I can say that Alex and I did our homework, gave it our all, and then hopefully remain at peace knowing that God already knows each and every one of Cale's future teachers, and that no matter what building he's in, it's the one God has chosen in advance for him.

Aside from going back and forth between schools, we also talked about what a regular day in kindergarten might look like for Cale.  I'm ashamed to admit that this conversation is something that has burned a hole in the back of my brain from letting it sit there too long.  I've purposely avoided trying to think about what school is going to be like for him.  I remember my own thoughts and behaviors towards kids with special needs and one of my greatest fears for Cale is that he'll be treated that same way.  Kindergarten is going to expose him to a whole different world and I'm scared for his innocence and sense of worth being crushed.  My desire is to have him in a regular classroom as much as possible but I'm starting to doubt what is best.  Academically he is right there with his peers but the communication aspect of learning will without a doubt pose a huge threat to his involvement in the classroom.  I want him to feel accepted and valued and I'm so scared for how other children might treat him.

My hope is that we as parents have instilled a greater sense of self worth in him that even the occasional bully at school cannot destroy and that God would keep a constant protection around his heart.

I'm prayerful that this season of change in our lives - in his his life - will not beat us beneath the waves.  I believe God will direct us and help us in choosing the best school for him, but it's always these changes that seem to shine a spotlight on how different our lives are from our friends' lives.  Embarrassing as it is to admit this, I'm battling extreme jealousy over my friends who get to choose where their children go; some get to homeschool their kids while others get to place their kids in a Christian school.  Options for Cale's education are limited, and heading into our first year in the public school system is really making me realize how much that stinks.

Sometimes life just stinks and it doesn't seem fair.