eeny meeny miny mo

For those of you who read my previous post you know that we are currently in the middle of registering Cale for kindergarten.  For many moms this process is mostly exciting with a few drops of bittersweet mixed in.  For me, the entire month of April has been filled with anxiety over which school to choose and whether of not we should push for Cale to be as involved in a regular classroom as possible.  I've lost countless hours of sleep and have generally felt like I'm living in some sort of cruel nightmare.

Until yesterday.

We had a meeting at the school Cale was originally "assigned" to, Hawthorne Elementary.  I walked in and immediately noticed the uncleanliness, the disarray of library books on the shelves, and the dated look of this school.  Its library also had a pet rat.  Chief Charlo, the school I so badly want all of my children to go to, is a relatively new school and so its appearance is much more attractive than what I was witnessing right now.  And this school had no rat.  I kept telling myself to keep an open mind but I knew that even before talking with anyone I had already made up my mind.

I am not letting my son go to this school.


We finally made our way into the room where a team of teachers waited eagerly to meet one of their possible future students.  I forced a smile on my face and introduced my family to each unfamiliar person.  Cale was extremely nervous and suspiciously studied each person and signed to me that they were "different" from his teachers at preschool.  Yes, these teachers are different.  They went on to give us a brief summary of what a day in kindergarten might look like for Cale.  They thought it would probably be best to make the extended resource room his "home base" and then as he became more at ease with that to slowly integrate him in the regular classroom as much as he felt comfortable.  As soon as they pitched this idea to me I immediately shut down.  Without saying it, I had made up my mind.  Cale will not be going to this school.

We left the meeting with the understanding that we would try and reach a decision within the next couple of weeks, even though I had already chosen the school for Cale; the best school, Chief Charlo.

On the drive home, however, I felt an unexplainable uneasiness.  I knew I didn't want Cale going to that school but for some reason the idea of Cale going to Chief Charlo wasn't settling well with me either.  Something inside me kept tugging me back to that extended resource room where we had just met.  My thoughts kept wandering back to the bubbly, young-faced teacher who had showed such genuine care for Cale and his future education.  I knew the moment I first saw this young lady that if I engaged in too much of a meaningful conversation with her that she would be one of those people I just couldn't help but fall in love with.  So I didn't.  I simply sat there and took in the information she was giving us.  Miss Liz was her name and she warmly pleaded for us to choose her as Cale's teacher.

That night Alex and I sat down together after putting our kids to bed and discussed the happenings of our day.  The longer I sat there talking with him the more I realized that in the process of choosing the best school for Cale that I was really just interested in choosing the best school for me.  What school is going to make me feel better?  What school would hide the embarrassment I was feeling about Cale not being "normal" enough to be in a regular classroom?  I realized how selfish I had been in pushing Cale to be in a regular classroom.  Chief Charlo was telling us that mainstreaming him would not be a problem where as Hawthorne cautioned us by placing him in the extended resource room.  My pride and my own insecurities are what I was truly placing first, not Cale.

Once again I'm experiencing the death of a dream.  Once again I'm seeing how change spotlights Cale's differences.  But for some reason, and I'm sure only by God's provision and grace, I am at peace.  It's okay that we won't be attending 'Kindergarten Roundup" with all of the other excited parents.  It's okay that Cale will spend his first year of kindergarten in a special education classroom.

It's okay.

It's really okay.

And not only is it okay, but it is what's best. 

I've finally come to the realization that what I may think is best for Cale is really just a mask hiding what I think is best for me.  No parent wants to readily admit that their child is better suited for a special resource
room with limited access into a regular classroom with other normal kids.  Or at least I should I wasn't ready to admit that.  I've tried my hardest to let Cale have normal childhood experiences, which I think is a great thing and will benefit him positively throughout his life, but there comes a time when I need to stop pushing for 'normal' and let Cale be who he is and trust that he will succeed no matter what, just as he is.

And I truly believe that.  Cale will succeed no matter what.  Not because of what I've done or the decisions we've made, but because Cale is smart, driven, exceptionally persistent, and one of the hardest workers I've ever known.  He will without a doubt endear himself to his future teachers and excel at whatever learning plan is set before him.

I talked with Cale's current preschool teacher this morning and she asked me if we had made a decision yet about which school we've chosen.  I told her I thought we were leaning towards Hawthorne, which is the first verbal commitment I've made towards choosing that school and a big step for me personally.

Before having children I never gave a second thought to having to choose a school for my child.  Growing up I went to the the school that I lived closest to, simple as that.  I never thought that once having my own kids that it would be such a difficult decision, but I think I've grown a lot in this journey and learned a few important lessons in the short few weeks we've had this on our minds.

Sometimes I think it's my job to teach Cale about life, but other times I think God gave me Cale for him to teach me about life.

Maybe it's both.