Sleepless nights...

I've had an incredibly difficult time sleeping lately and it's starting to take its toll on me.  Yesterday I felt like a walking zombie and barely had enough energy to make it through the day.  My personality has been a bit dull which is unfortunate for the ones I come in contact throughout the day, but it truly is exhausting to fake a happy persona.  The reason behind me not being able to sleep is because I literally cannot turn my mind off.  It just goes and goes and no matter how hard I try, I cannot stop it from dwelling on a certain two-year old I call my son.

The reality of how difficult my life is going to be is finally starting to hit.  The hopes of Cale one day "catching up" and being normal are slowly fading away.  Most parents look forward to their child growing up but I am terrified.  I lay awake at night going through scenario after scenario of what my life will be like in a year, five years, or even ten years.  I worry so much I begin to feel sick.  I just lay there praying I can fall asleep so that I don't have to worry anymore.   I literally cannot shut off my mind.

I go back and forth on my emotions towards God when it comes to Cale.  Some days I am accepting of what either God has done or has allowed to happen.  Some days I even feel at peace.  Lately, though, all I have been feeling is anger.  God healed many people while on this earth and performed many miracles.  He created the mountains, the stars, and the seas.  He did things we cannot even possibly fathom as human beings, which is why I'm left desperately wondering why He won't heal my son.  My head knows the answer is because He has a plan that will ultimately bring Him the glory, but my heart is in turmoil.  Why Cale?  Why my family?  

I hope this doesn't leave people doubting my love for my son.  I honestly don't think I could love him any more if I tried.  He's my little man and I think I love him more because of the life he's had to fight so hard for.  I just want him to have the best life possible and it's hard for me to accept that this is it.  

God can move mountains, I'm certain of that.  So why won't He heal my son?

  

Baby Dedications!

This coming Sunday we will dedicate Riley to our Lord at Missoula Alliance Church!  I have been consumed with the nonsense of what she's going to wear, what the rest of us is going to wear, if we should have a post-dedication celebration with family and friends, and who's going to take pictures of this momentous occasion.  Getting wrapped up in all of this small stuff has forced me to take a step back and focus on what this day means for our family, and more importantly, for Riley.

It was almost exactly one year ago that we dedicated Cale to the Lord.  He wore a cute black suit with a light blue, button-down shirt and an adorable clip-on tie. He was stunningly handsome!  It was such a big occasion for us that my family from Billings came to witness the event.  Perhaps it was the way Cale entered this world or maybe even the uncertainty of his future that made it so much bigger to us, but for some reason dedicating Riley doesn't seem as momentous.  I look at it somewhat like this: for whatever reason, good or bad, people seem to trust situations to God when they are too big for us to handle on our own.  It's when we feel like we can be in control of things that we stop trusting Him.  If I apply this to Cale and Riley, I begin to see that I feel more in control of Riley than I do of Cale.  I have no idea what the future holds for Cale - will he be able to walk or talk, will he ever have a job, will he ever have a girlfriend or even close friends, will he be accepted by people, will he ever have children of his own, etc.?  With Riley, I "know" she'll be able to walk and talk, she'll probably have tons of friends and unfortunately many boyfriends, she'll have several jobs before she finds the one that ends up being her career, and if she's anything like Alex and me, she'll be a social butterfly who one day has kids of her own.  I have to trust God's plan for Cale because things are too uncertain to make a plan of my own.  With Riley, it's easy for me to get lost in my dreams of her playing golf, going to prom, and planning her wedding that I forget that she's just as fragile as Cale is, and that God could take her from us in one breath.  Her life belongs to God just as much as Cale's does, but it's much easier for me to feel in control of her than it is for me with Cale.  It's hard for me to admit that but it's the honest truth.

This Sunday I am going to pray that Riley will know the Lord at an early age and that she trusts Him with her life.  I will pray that Alex and I can be good role models for her and that she can see God's love shine through us.  I will also pray that I can begin to understand that although she's my child, she's also on loan and that one day she will be with her true Father.  My job is to take the best care of her that I know how and give her the absolute most love she could ever experience on this earth.  

This whole realization is oddly comforting. 

Game's on now!

Alex's birthday was this past Thursday.  He turned 26 years old which means he is closer to 30 than he is 20!  I sometimes find myself laughing when I realize I, too, am getting older and will one day turn 30.  It truly is baffling.  

Anyhow, Alex's birthday had more significance this year than just bringing him one year closer to turning 30.  Riley started crawling, and oh man, things just got interesting!  Cale has been mobile for nearly a year now and so I know what it's like to have to keep my eye on a child, but Riley adds a whole new variable to the equation!  Due to the way Cale is he was never a child that would find a small object on the floor and immediately put it in his mouth.  I could leave pennies, marbles, thumb tacks, and pretty much anything else that a pediatrician or a fellow mom would gasp at the sound of, on the floor and Cale would move right by them and never give them a second look.  Riley, on the other hand, will put anything and everything in her mouth and so I'm learning a whole new definition to the term "baby proof".  Cale, although he crawls and pulls himself up on furniture, doesn't exactly move at lightning speed.  Riley, though, can be nowhere in sight when I'm changing Cale's diaper and the next thing I know she's one fist full of a poopy mess.  Yes, things just got a whole lot more interesting but I am having so much fun!  I remember the countless hours of physical therapy that we needed to get Cale to move and so just watching Riley learn it all on her own has been thrilling, not to mention it has lifted a huge mountain of worry off my shoulders!  Now I just need to hold my breath until she learns to walk and talk. :)  

Cale has been learning a few skills of his own, too.  We have baby latches on all of our cupboards to keep Cale (and now Riley) from opening them and dumping dishes all over the floor.  The other day I was cooking and heard a huge crash!  Cale had pulled a stack of glass bowls off a shelf and let them hit the floor.  No broken glass but there were many tears after a harsh discipline...Cale knows better.  I thought it was weird that he had gotten into the cupboards but I excused it as me just forgetting to close the door.  Well, he got into the same cupboard yesterday but thankfully I caught him before he managed to pull anything off the shelf.  I watched him from the around the corner to see how he was getting the door open and I watched as he carefully opened the door as far as it would go until the baby latch caught, then he wiggled his hand up to pull down on the latch, and after he did that he knew to pull on the door before the latch caught again.  Amazing.  Simply amazing.  So much for our kitchen being child-proofed anymore.  Oh well, a part of me is just so proud that he is smart enough to have figured that out. :)

 

Mall Walking!

Our family is still being plagued by the nasty illness that seems to have taken the whole city of Missoula captive but Cale is on the mend, praise the Lord!  We have literally been cooped up in our house for almost two weeks and so Alex and I decided to take Cale walking around the mall last night.  A few things need clarified before I go any further.

1.  Cale has a special walker that looks very "medical".  It's big, bright orange, and definitely not something you see everyday.  Therefore, we get a lot of stares whenever we take it anywhere.

2.  Since the walker is so big we don't have the space to let him use it in our house.  We usually try and go up to the church since no one is ever there during the evenings, but sometimes it's good for Cale to be in a "normal" functioning setting.

3.  I feel like such a terrible mother for admitting this but I have not let Cale use his walker in over ten months.  I hate how this walker makes me feel.  I hate that my son needs something so "special" to help him walk.  I hate the stares we get.  I hate it when he doesn't do as well in it as I'd hoped.  I literally hate everything about it.

Okay, so now that you have that information you can somewhat understand the emotions and fear I was experiencing as we walked into the mall last night.  Since he has not used his walker since well before Riley was born, I tried to eliminate any and all expectations I had for him.  I tried to just praise myself for finally getting the nerve to let him practice walking again.  Again, I cannot express the guilt I have been feeling over waiting so long to let him use it.  Almost every day I think about it and how maybe if we practiced more often with him he would be closer to walking independently than he is now.  Guilt.  Pure guilt.  

I put Riley in the front pack and off we went.  Alex helped Cale get strapped in and it took him a few minutes to remember what he was supposed to do.  For the first half hour Cale needed to hold both of our hands while he walked, but both Alex and I were amazed at how well he was doing!  In all honesty, even though I was trying not to have any expectations for him I secretly hoped he would do okay, and watching him last night blew my mind!  He did absolutely amazing!  We started at JC Penny and walked to the water fountain by Sears.  Cale LOVES the water fountain, as I've mentioned in earlier posts, and our new thing is to let him toss pennies into the water.  I figured the fountain would be a good motivator for him and it was!  Once he realized where we were going his little feet started moving faster and faster and I don't think he knew he had let go of both of our hands.  Alex and I had the pleasure of watching our son walk ahead of us - something we have dreamed of for a very long time, and even though he was needing a walker to do it, it was still just as proud of moment as though he were doing it under his own steam.  

Once we tossed a few pennies in the water we turned back around and walked back to JC Penny.  This time Cale seemed a lot more interested in the stores and what was in them.  It took a few tears to get him away from the pet store and a minor tantrum to get past the shoes, but once we did he just had a blast walking to and from the potted plants, all the while looking back at us to know if he was doing something we didn't approve of.  Let me tell you, it's really hard to discipline a kid during the moments he's making you the most proud!  

As we were walking out of the mall back to the car, I looked at Alex and said, "that was fun!"  He agreed.  Never in my life would I have imagined combining the word "fun" with the circumstances we are faced with.  But it was fun.  It was fun to see Cale get so pleased with himself and to see him flash that big grin he gets when he knows he's done something well.  Another great thing about last night is that we did get some stares, but the stares were not mean.  In fact, each stare was followed by a smile.  We got a lot of comments on how cute he was but of course we already knew that.

So, I still feel guilty about waiting so long to let him use it, but now maybe next time it won't be so scary.  And who knows, Cale may be walking in no time!

Stay Far, Far Away!

Today marks one week plus one day of my kids being the most sick as I've ever seen them.  Both of them have had several days with a fever of 104 degrees, breaking only when I give them Tylenol and spiking as soon as it wears off.  They have been throwing up, coughing a cough that rattles their lungs, and left with only enough energy to turn their head in the direction of my voice.  It has been so hard to see them this sick and I can only pray that they get better soon!  

To top off trying to take care of two sick kids at once, I have been diagnosed with "gasteritis".  This very painful and annoying condition basically means my esophagus is eating itself while the acid in my stomach tries to eat away my stomach lining.  This all started while I was grocery shopping on Monday and realized I was having chest pains.  My hands grew very cold and tingly, I felt the color leave my face, and it felt as though I couldn't catch my breath.  I raced home, called my mom, and told her I was having a heart attack!  I literally thought I was experiencing the final moments here on earth.  My mom calmed me down, like she always does, and we went through what I had eaten that day.  Hmm...I had pancakes for breakfast but hadn't eaten anything since then. (it was now almost 5:00)  I also had a quadruple shot coffee somewhere between breakfast and now.  Bingo!  Okay, so I wasn't have a heart attack but the acid reflux was enough to make me want to die.  I tried taking Pepcid and that did absolutely nothing.  I woke up on Tuesday morning after not being able to sleep all night, went to the doctor, and they prescribed me something that will hopefully make me feel more comfortable.  As I write this I have felt zero relief since this began on Monday but hopefully soon...hopefully!

Despite all the illness spreading in our family, Alex and I were able to retreat to a beautiful, relaxing, and cozy lodge for Valentine's Day!  He surprised me with an overnight trip to the Double Arrow Resort in Seeley Lake, MT.  It was absolutely amazing!  Grandma Leslie stayed over at our house and watched both kids for us, which means we truly had a night to ourselves!  We ate an amazing dinner, relaxed in a jacuzzi, played Scrabble by a real wood fire, and slept in a king-sized bed!!!  It was perfect.  This was the first night Alex and I have had to ourselves since Riley was born and it was so worth the wait.  Not having to worry about kids is a beautiful thing.  Our romantic getaway has a funny twist, though.  Okay, so Grandma Leslie got to our house at 6:00 PM on Saturday.  We drove to Seeley Lake which is about one and a half hours away, checked into our room at 7:30 PM, ate dinner, etc., etc., etc..  We woke up around 7:30 AM, at breakfast, finished our game of Scrabble from the night before, looked at each other around 9:00 AM, and realized it was time to head home.  Why?  I'm still breast-feeding Riley and was not smart enough to bring a breast pump with me, therefore it meant I had not "fed" her in over 15 hours.  For those of you women out there that have breast fed a child before, you know how painful it gets when you have had zero relief over any significant amount of time.  So, we packed the car, laughed at the fact that we were already going home, and walked through the door before 10:30 AM.  Ahhhh, a hungry child was the best homecoming present ever!  Relief at last!  

Even though we were only gone for a little over 12 hours, it was so worth it and we had a wonderful time.  Thank you,  Alex, for one of the best Valentine's Days ever!  I love you.

Now, if only we could all be healthy again. :(

The above photos are of us swimming at the hotel and then we also took Riley in to get her six month portraits.  These are only two of many we took!

Wow, things have been rather crazy lately which is why it's taken me awhile to update this blog.  We were blessed with a visit from Alex's mom, Donna, and her husband, Steve, for a few days last weekend.  They love seeing the kids and since they live in Washington they don't get to see them as often as they'd like.  Cale got spoiled and I don't think Riley was ever NOT being held, therefore come Monday it was quite an "adjusting" period for us all. :)  We took the kids swimming at their hotel, which was an absolute blast!  I always knew Cale loved the water but it was Riley's first time and she LOVED it.  I cannot wait for summer to roll around so that I can take them to the park!

Switching gears, Saturday is Valentine's Day.  I usually hate this holiday because I always have these great expectations of a huge surprise filled with roses, chocolates, romantic gestures, etc., but never once (or at least to my memory) has anyone ever met these expectations.  I admit it's completely my fault for putting these expectations on some poor unsuspecting man but I can't help it - I'm a woman who loves romance.  This year, however, all bets are off!  Alex has arranged an entire twenty-four hours of a childless romantic getaway!  I have no idea where he is taking me and the suspense is killing me; I hate not knowing things!  I'm a little anxious because Riley is still breastfeeding and under no circumstance will she take a bottle, but hopefully if she gets hungry enough she'll change her mind, otherwise she might have to live off of rice cereal and pears for a day.  I feel like a bit of a bad mother leaving her but I know it's going to be so healthy for Alex and me to have some time alone!  

With all of that being said, Cale is very sick today and if he's not feeling better by tomorrow we might have to cancel our romantic getaway. :(  He woke up with a fever of 103.5 but with some Tylenol and TLC I've managed to keep his fever under control.  I hate it when my kids are sick...it just breaks my heart.  

I'll keep you posted as to whether or not Alex and I are able to go...and where he's taking me! :)   

"OPEN"

Cale playing at the fountain in the mall

Today marked a huge accomplishment for my sweet little boy, Cale!  We have been working diligently on teaching him sign language to eliminate some of the frustration of not being able to communicate.  Like I've mentioned before, he knows only a handful: "please", "tired", and "all done".  Today, as he was trying unsuccessfully to open the baby wipes case, his speech therapist helped him to sign the word for "open".  After helping him only a few times he was able to do it all by himself, unprovoked!  This is quite monumental because that sign requires bringing your hands together and that is something Cale hates to do and rarely ever does.  My faith has been restored and I'm confident that if he can learn to do this SO quickly, he will eventually learn everything he wants to!  Way to go, Cale - Mommy is so proud!!!