Trying to be Strong

Dealing with Cale and his disability has caused quite a strain on our family.  When he was first diagnosed we went through a grieving period.  Now some of you might wonder what we had to grieve.  Well, we had to grieve over the child we would never have.  We will never have what is considered a "normal" child.  When we used to dream of whether or not he would take up golf we now have to grieve over the fact that he may never be able to play golf.  Sounds silly to care about such a small aspect of life, but you would be amazed at the entire spectrum of things we've thought about in regards to what Cale may or may not be able to do.  

I think one of the hardest things Alex and I have been faced with is that we choose to deal with grief differently.   Alex likes to talk about things when he's feeling blue whereas I like to stay quiet.  So when I've had a hard day I usually express my sadness by becoming grouchy or defensive towards Alex.  If Alex has a hard day he wants to talk to me about it.  This causes another problem.  I want to be there for him and be supportive, however this is OUR child and we're both experiencing the same roller-coaster of emotions.  How can I be his strength when I don't have the strength myself?  Quite a dilemma indeed. 

Another thing that has been hard is that we both try and be so strong to the outside world.  Alex and I are generally very happy people and I think most people would agree that when we're at church or with a group of friends, we almost always have a smile on our face and a  positive attitude.  Trying to be strong all the time is exhausting.  Sometimes we'll get home from being out and just sit down and cry.  I really think it helps to just cry sometimes.  I often wish I could express my feelings more openly with friends and family but who likes to be around a downer?  I certainly don't want to be labeled as the party-pooper.  I would rather just put on a smile and pretend life is just as I dreamed it would be, no matter how exhausting it might be.  

One positive thing that this has drawn is that I feel I'm much more in tune with other people's emotions.  When I know of someone going through a hard time I don't automatically think they're okay just because they have a smile on their face.