Yesterday was probably the hardest day I've encountered in a very long time. Without going into every detail explaining why it was so awful, the best way I can explain it is that I just wanted to lay in bed, hold my breath, and fly away.
I'm not talking about suicide. I would never, ever consider that option. It was more of a feeling of wanting to escape everything bad that is going on in my life, or more or less my perception of what is bad in my life.
It started out yesterday at the mall. My friend has asked me to meet to there to grab some coffee with another gal and let our kids play. As per usual, Cale doesn't really like to play. He prefers to dig through other people's purses, grab cell phones, untie strangers' shoe laces, etc.. My take on his behavior is that it takes one hundred times more effort to play than it takes other kids, therefore he chooses to just give up and do things he can do, such as dig through purses, untie shoes, and grab at cell phones. It literally breaks my heart to see that kind of defeat in him.
After we gave up playing on the train we all decided to venture over and get a pretzel. All of the other kids were eating one and so I gave Cale a little piece off of Riley's dipped in Ranch. As per usual, he fumbled with it in his fingers and Ranch poured from his mouth and down all over his face. One of his peers looked over at Cale and said, "Eeew, Cale's making a mess." Perhaps I was a bit more sensitive that day but that little comment made me cry. I hate seeing Cale getting made fun of, mostly because I know that this is just the beginning.
All the while I was with my friends the subject of baby showers and baby gifts fluttered through our conversation. I feel like I should be able to at least hear about babies and see pregnant bellies without turning into a sop, but for some reason my sadness keeps getting worse, not better. I really want to be genuinely happy for my friends, and I truly believe I am...in fact I'm sure of it...but the pain just doesn't seem to go away.
I'm already taking anti-depressants from which I started when I first had my miscarriage. I'm a little worried about myself, and so is my husband, because all I want to do is sleep. I can take a three-hour nap in the middle of the day and fall fast asleep again at bedtime. I'm always tired, always on the verge of crying, and never really having an appetite. I've had to choke down food just to make sure I get at least some nutrition in me. I've had little desire to work out; something that used to energize me and put me in the best of moods.
I have no idea what's going on but I want so badly to just return back to me. The happy, excited, goofy, Erica. I miss her.
1 comment:
Erica, your honesty amazes me. Since being put on 2 different medicines for depression and anxiety I have made it a goal to be honest about depression and it's, sometimes, crushing effects. I know a lot of women who are ashamed by their struggles, when I feel so strongly we need to be sharing our pain. I will be praying for you...thank you for being so candid.
Rebecca Spinder
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