Today started off much better thanks to two angelic children who slept in until 8:00. As Alex and I would say, "PTL!", which is our way of quickly saying Praise the Lord!
Our nights have been rather miserable the past couple of weeks. As I mentioned in an earlier post, we have decided to bid adieu to nap time in hopes that the kids would go to bed a little easier and a little earlier. Our theory worked for a few nights but Cale has returned to screaming and basically making bedtime a part of my day that I dread. It reminds me of having a newborn and dreading night to come because even though you long for sleep so badly, you know you aren't going to get it and so the night becomes this object of misery. That is what I feel like these days. Not only does it take the patience of Job to put Cale down for bed, but to add on to an already difficult situation, he has been waking up five or six times in the middle of the night screaming in sheer terror. At times I think someone has broken into our house and is torturing him. It's that bad. At first I thought he was in pain but recently I've noticed that even though his eyes are open, he doesn't seem to be fully awake or aware of what's going on. He won't respond to our questions and he'll usually falls back asleep soon after we are able to calm him down. That is, if we're able to calm him down. His speech therapist thinks he might be having night terrors but I'm going to give it a couple more nights before I fall into that theory.
Oh yeah, I was supposed to be talking about how this was going to hopefully be a better day. As I write this sentence, it is actually a day after I wrote the above paragraph. The "better day" was actually yesterday because let's face it, sometimes kids don't understand your need to blog. Even though it's a day later, I can still tell you why yesterday was a better day.
Life is still seemingly unbearable most of the time. I constantly feel like I'm failing as a parent and the kids seem to be testing me more and more every day. Cale still walks around the house doing his "pout walk" and it takes every ounce of my energy to make him happy. But I do it. And I still have reserves left over at the end of the day to make dinner for our family, keep the house relatively clean and be pleasant towards my husband. Nothing about our situation seems to be changing and yet I am able to have days like I did yesterday. I even let the kids play with play-doh! I took them to the mall and let Cale walk around the new On store, which is loaded with computers, phones, iPads, iPods, TV's...things a normal child would run past as they headed for the gum ball machine or toy store...but not my Cale. The On store is his Disney World. I even took them to Barnes and Noble and let them tear books off the shelf as I patiently walked behind them, picking up and placing each book back in it's rightful place. I think in the past day I have read over 100 books, and 50 of those books has been the same one over and over again. I let them make messes and I don't even get grumpy when I look around and see that it looks like some sort of natural disaster has come through. I somehow have gained patience, and with that has come grace and love.
I say these things not to toot my own horn, because trust me, I am no where near a perfect mother. I say these things to give evidence to how God is able to restore a tired and broken soul. I've really been forced to depend on the Lord for daily living the past few months and at first I wasn't able to see Him working in my life, but then I'm able to have days like yesterday and see that even though God hasn't answered my prayers, He is changing my heart, and sometimes that's more of a miracle than anything else. Especially when it's my heart in need of change.
Here's hoping for more days like yesterday.
2 comments:
Erica, I have been thinking about you and how I could encourage you as a fellow sister in Christ cuz we both know that I have no idea how you feel in your situation. But I was thinking about the fact that Josie is my cousin and I know that her and Cale are completely different children with completely different "disabilities". But somethings that I really appreciate about her because she isn't "normal" is that she LOVES everyone, she doesn't really hold things against you or judge you and she doesn't complain or gossip about people. How perfect is that to find in a person? Sometimes I wonder if the children or people with the "disabilities" in life are the ones we should admire, they seem to live more like Jesus than those of us who have it "together". Anyway I have no idea if this even encourages you or just makes you more frustrated, I once read somewhere "if I was ever having a rough day, I would take out a piece of paper and write down the 10 things that were frustrating me. Then, I would rip that paper up, let it go, and write down 20 things that I am thankful for." I think you could do this on a frustrating day or even about Cale with his "disability". And maybe your list would be longer some days but you get the point. I'm glad to hear that God is working on your heart, we all need that.
The idea that you feel like a constant failure as a parent makes me furious. It's a lie of Satan, and I wish so badly that I could simply remove it from your very thoughts.
Everything you post here, even the parts where you are frustrated with the needs of your darling boy, only proves what a great parent you are. We all know we could do better somewhere, sometimes, but failing? Your kids aren't broken, aren't dead, aren't in any doubt of your abiding love for them. You're not failing. God is so much bigger than that feeling.
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