Mall Walking!

Our family is still being plagued by the nasty illness that seems to have taken the whole city of Missoula captive but Cale is on the mend, praise the Lord!  We have literally been cooped up in our house for almost two weeks and so Alex and I decided to take Cale walking around the mall last night.  A few things need clarified before I go any further.

1.  Cale has a special walker that looks very "medical".  It's big, bright orange, and definitely not something you see everyday.  Therefore, we get a lot of stares whenever we take it anywhere.

2.  Since the walker is so big we don't have the space to let him use it in our house.  We usually try and go up to the church since no one is ever there during the evenings, but sometimes it's good for Cale to be in a "normal" functioning setting.

3.  I feel like such a terrible mother for admitting this but I have not let Cale use his walker in over ten months.  I hate how this walker makes me feel.  I hate that my son needs something so "special" to help him walk.  I hate the stares we get.  I hate it when he doesn't do as well in it as I'd hoped.  I literally hate everything about it.

Okay, so now that you have that information you can somewhat understand the emotions and fear I was experiencing as we walked into the mall last night.  Since he has not used his walker since well before Riley was born, I tried to eliminate any and all expectations I had for him.  I tried to just praise myself for finally getting the nerve to let him practice walking again.  Again, I cannot express the guilt I have been feeling over waiting so long to let him use it.  Almost every day I think about it and how maybe if we practiced more often with him he would be closer to walking independently than he is now.  Guilt.  Pure guilt.  

I put Riley in the front pack and off we went.  Alex helped Cale get strapped in and it took him a few minutes to remember what he was supposed to do.  For the first half hour Cale needed to hold both of our hands while he walked, but both Alex and I were amazed at how well he was doing!  In all honesty, even though I was trying not to have any expectations for him I secretly hoped he would do okay, and watching him last night blew my mind!  He did absolutely amazing!  We started at JC Penny and walked to the water fountain by Sears.  Cale LOVES the water fountain, as I've mentioned in earlier posts, and our new thing is to let him toss pennies into the water.  I figured the fountain would be a good motivator for him and it was!  Once he realized where we were going his little feet started moving faster and faster and I don't think he knew he had let go of both of our hands.  Alex and I had the pleasure of watching our son walk ahead of us - something we have dreamed of for a very long time, and even though he was needing a walker to do it, it was still just as proud of moment as though he were doing it under his own steam.  

Once we tossed a few pennies in the water we turned back around and walked back to JC Penny.  This time Cale seemed a lot more interested in the stores and what was in them.  It took a few tears to get him away from the pet store and a minor tantrum to get past the shoes, but once we did he just had a blast walking to and from the potted plants, all the while looking back at us to know if he was doing something we didn't approve of.  Let me tell you, it's really hard to discipline a kid during the moments he's making you the most proud!  

As we were walking out of the mall back to the car, I looked at Alex and said, "that was fun!"  He agreed.  Never in my life would I have imagined combining the word "fun" with the circumstances we are faced with.  But it was fun.  It was fun to see Cale get so pleased with himself and to see him flash that big grin he gets when he knows he's done something well.  Another great thing about last night is that we did get some stares, but the stares were not mean.  In fact, each stare was followed by a smile.  We got a lot of comments on how cute he was but of course we already knew that.

So, I still feel guilty about waiting so long to let him use it, but now maybe next time it won't be so scary.  And who knows, Cale may be walking in no time!

Stay Far, Far Away!

Today marks one week plus one day of my kids being the most sick as I've ever seen them.  Both of them have had several days with a fever of 104 degrees, breaking only when I give them Tylenol and spiking as soon as it wears off.  They have been throwing up, coughing a cough that rattles their lungs, and left with only enough energy to turn their head in the direction of my voice.  It has been so hard to see them this sick and I can only pray that they get better soon!  

To top off trying to take care of two sick kids at once, I have been diagnosed with "gasteritis".  This very painful and annoying condition basically means my esophagus is eating itself while the acid in my stomach tries to eat away my stomach lining.  This all started while I was grocery shopping on Monday and realized I was having chest pains.  My hands grew very cold and tingly, I felt the color leave my face, and it felt as though I couldn't catch my breath.  I raced home, called my mom, and told her I was having a heart attack!  I literally thought I was experiencing the final moments here on earth.  My mom calmed me down, like she always does, and we went through what I had eaten that day.  Hmm...I had pancakes for breakfast but hadn't eaten anything since then. (it was now almost 5:00)  I also had a quadruple shot coffee somewhere between breakfast and now.  Bingo!  Okay, so I wasn't have a heart attack but the acid reflux was enough to make me want to die.  I tried taking Pepcid and that did absolutely nothing.  I woke up on Tuesday morning after not being able to sleep all night, went to the doctor, and they prescribed me something that will hopefully make me feel more comfortable.  As I write this I have felt zero relief since this began on Monday but hopefully soon...hopefully!

Despite all the illness spreading in our family, Alex and I were able to retreat to a beautiful, relaxing, and cozy lodge for Valentine's Day!  He surprised me with an overnight trip to the Double Arrow Resort in Seeley Lake, MT.  It was absolutely amazing!  Grandma Leslie stayed over at our house and watched both kids for us, which means we truly had a night to ourselves!  We ate an amazing dinner, relaxed in a jacuzzi, played Scrabble by a real wood fire, and slept in a king-sized bed!!!  It was perfect.  This was the first night Alex and I have had to ourselves since Riley was born and it was so worth the wait.  Not having to worry about kids is a beautiful thing.  Our romantic getaway has a funny twist, though.  Okay, so Grandma Leslie got to our house at 6:00 PM on Saturday.  We drove to Seeley Lake which is about one and a half hours away, checked into our room at 7:30 PM, ate dinner, etc., etc., etc..  We woke up around 7:30 AM, at breakfast, finished our game of Scrabble from the night before, looked at each other around 9:00 AM, and realized it was time to head home.  Why?  I'm still breast-feeding Riley and was not smart enough to bring a breast pump with me, therefore it meant I had not "fed" her in over 15 hours.  For those of you women out there that have breast fed a child before, you know how painful it gets when you have had zero relief over any significant amount of time.  So, we packed the car, laughed at the fact that we were already going home, and walked through the door before 10:30 AM.  Ahhhh, a hungry child was the best homecoming present ever!  Relief at last!  

Even though we were only gone for a little over 12 hours, it was so worth it and we had a wonderful time.  Thank you,  Alex, for one of the best Valentine's Days ever!  I love you.

Now, if only we could all be healthy again. :(

The above photos are of us swimming at the hotel and then we also took Riley in to get her six month portraits.  These are only two of many we took!

Wow, things have been rather crazy lately which is why it's taken me awhile to update this blog.  We were blessed with a visit from Alex's mom, Donna, and her husband, Steve, for a few days last weekend.  They love seeing the kids and since they live in Washington they don't get to see them as often as they'd like.  Cale got spoiled and I don't think Riley was ever NOT being held, therefore come Monday it was quite an "adjusting" period for us all. :)  We took the kids swimming at their hotel, which was an absolute blast!  I always knew Cale loved the water but it was Riley's first time and she LOVED it.  I cannot wait for summer to roll around so that I can take them to the park!

Switching gears, Saturday is Valentine's Day.  I usually hate this holiday because I always have these great expectations of a huge surprise filled with roses, chocolates, romantic gestures, etc., but never once (or at least to my memory) has anyone ever met these expectations.  I admit it's completely my fault for putting these expectations on some poor unsuspecting man but I can't help it - I'm a woman who loves romance.  This year, however, all bets are off!  Alex has arranged an entire twenty-four hours of a childless romantic getaway!  I have no idea where he is taking me and the suspense is killing me; I hate not knowing things!  I'm a little anxious because Riley is still breastfeeding and under no circumstance will she take a bottle, but hopefully if she gets hungry enough she'll change her mind, otherwise she might have to live off of rice cereal and pears for a day.  I feel like a bit of a bad mother leaving her but I know it's going to be so healthy for Alex and me to have some time alone!  

With all of that being said, Cale is very sick today and if he's not feeling better by tomorrow we might have to cancel our romantic getaway. :(  He woke up with a fever of 103.5 but with some Tylenol and TLC I've managed to keep his fever under control.  I hate it when my kids are sick...it just breaks my heart.  

I'll keep you posted as to whether or not Alex and I are able to go...and where he's taking me! :)   

"OPEN"

Cale playing at the fountain in the mall

Today marked a huge accomplishment for my sweet little boy, Cale!  We have been working diligently on teaching him sign language to eliminate some of the frustration of not being able to communicate.  Like I've mentioned before, he knows only a handful: "please", "tired", and "all done".  Today, as he was trying unsuccessfully to open the baby wipes case, his speech therapist helped him to sign the word for "open".  After helping him only a few times he was able to do it all by himself, unprovoked!  This is quite monumental because that sign requires bringing your hands together and that is something Cale hates to do and rarely ever does.  My faith has been restored and I'm confident that if he can learn to do this SO quickly, he will eventually learn everything he wants to!  Way to go, Cale - Mommy is so proud!!!

Good-bye January...HELLO February!

Thank goodness January is nearly over!!! This month truly might have come from the devil himself and I will wave good-bye to it with a smile on my face, without looking back.

Alex has been EXTREMELY busy at work ever since Christmas was over. His job requires submitting applications for this year's projects and this year Alex was solely responsible for completing them. I don't have a very good grasp on what this entails but I do know that he was out of the house before the sun was up and didn't get home until the sun went down. He went into the office on weekends and worked through the holidays that he should have had off. He then got disgustingly ill for about three weeks of the month which meant he had very little energy to go around once he got home. Most nights he either went to bed right after dinner or once the kids went down for bed. He worked so hard and I'm so proud to be a wife of such a hard-working man, but all of his hard work and time at the office meant all of that time I was spending alone with both kids. Not all of you may understand what a chore that was but let me tell you, I'm greeting the month of February with sommersaults and cartwheels!

I'm pretty sure Cale and Riley have had enough "mommy time" and are ready for some one-on-one time with Dad. I can be pretty cool but not for that many consecutive days!

As I type this I am reminded of an article I read in Parents magazine. It was written by a single mom who was so tired of hearing other moms complain about what their husbands did wrong, such as not putting on a diaper correctly or forgetting to put the bottle back in the fridge. The single mom was, rightfully so, annoyed that these moms were fretting over such little things when what they should have been doing was been grateful they had a partner to help raise their children.

Yes, I was exhausted this past month and my patience was tested day after day, but at the end of it all I am just thankful that Alex is my partner in this great journey of parenting. My hat goes off to the moms out there that do it all by themselves. I certainly could not and I have great respect for those who can and do.

Screams in the maternity ward...

I am blessed to be part of a church that not only cares about deepening people's relationships with God, but connecting with people on a real relational level as well. Alex and I have been given more love and support than we could have ever dreamed of over the past three years and I truly feel like I'm a part of a huge family here in Missoula. One of the ways our church helps people "relate" to one another is through bible studies. I go to a weekly bible study every Tuesday morning and I am so thankful for the women there. They prayed for me when Cale was first born and in the hospital, they brought dinners to my house when we were too busy going back and forth from the NICU to cook, they prayed for Cale when the term "cerebral palsy" was first introduced into our lives, and they sat with us when Cale had surgery. They listen to me - REALLY listen to me - when I share my concerns and fears. All in all, this bible study has helped me through some very difficult times in my life.

This year we are doing a study on returning to the Lord. "Coincidently", this particular study has come at a perfect time in my life. Today we specifically talked about crisis and whether or not that draws us nearer or farther away from God. I personally believe it has the ability to do both. For instance, when our pediatrician first mentioned that Cale might have cerebral palsy, I walked out of that office wishing so bad to be with my Father. I wanted to be in heaven where there are no tears and there is no pain. I didn't want to be here on earth anymore. I prayed more than I ever had before and I craved reading God's word. I clung to the feet of Jesus during those first few months. But then something changed. Whether it was due to the time that had passed or the fact that I had more time to process this new information, I became angry with God and I didn't want to pray anymore. I didn't want to read my bible. God could have prevented this and He even had the ability to heal Cale...but He didn't. And the longer He didn't, the further and further I got from Him.

Today I'm not quite sure where I am in my relationship with the Lord. I know He loves me and that He is using everything in my life for His glory, but I'm still a little angry. I'm not yet at a place where I can say I'm thankful for all the circumstances in my life, but I can say I'm thankful for Cale. I love him with all my heart and I know that some day, whether here on earth but definitely in heaven, I will understand the plan he has for my family.

With that said, an analogy was shared today that will most likely stick with me for quite some time. A woman talked about a time when she was standing outside of a labor and delivery room at the hospital, waiting to see someone, and as she stood there she heard screams coming from the room just down the hall. Loud screams, painful screams...screams that were obviously coming from someone who was in deep agony. But this woman didn't feel remorse or sadness towards the lady screaming, because she knew all of the screaming was going to lead to something beautiful and full of life. Compare that to someone screaming in a cancer ward or a pediatric unit. If you heard screaming then you would undoubtedly be filled with compassion and sorrow for whoever was in pain.

Using Cale and his life as an example, even though I scream and I cry and I hurt, those tears are being used for something good, something beautiful and something full of life. Cale's life will bring glory to God and even though I'm in pain, screaming, His plan will be finished.

Cuddles!

Cale has never been very interested in cuddling with me, or anyone for that matter.  He's never really taken naps with me or Alex and generally hates to be hugged.  He's a squirmer and has been since birth.  I think his dislike for snuggling goes back to his NICU days.  During his first two months of life he had to sleep all alone, getting held for only a couple of hours a day at most.  He was basically taught that touch was rare and to not crave it.  HOWEVER, if you catch him when he's real tired he does something that just makes your heart melt!  

I've only experienced this a handful of times but Alex sees it more for some reason. (Cale has a definite favor for Dad)  When Cale is extremely tired he will snuggle his head between your head and shoulder and even though he'll only stay that way for a few moments, it's enough to make up for all the lost cuddling during his lifetime! 

I was making Cale his afternoon bottle right before his nap and I knew he was tired because he had been yawning the whole time we were out running errands.  I was a little frustrated with him because he would not stay content unless I was holding him.  So here I am, frustrated, trying to make his bottle while holding him, and then he snuggled his little head right into my shoulder.  Frustration was immediately replaced with complete adoration!

This may sound simple and not worth much, but to me those few moments he let his head rest on me were priceless.

Riley, on the other hand, snuggles on anyone and everyone!  She's such a cuddler and will nap with me for hours!  I'm glad I can get my cuddle fix from at least one of my children, although I'm sure these days will fly by way too quickly and pretty soon she won't want anything to do with me. :(  

Enjoy the here and now, I guess.