Bedtime Stories

First off I would just like to say a little something about my previous post.  Someone, somewhere, must have said a prayer for me because ever since I wrote it I have felt absolutely marvelous!  I've had several moments with my husband and kids over the past couple of days that make me just sit back and smile, feeling so incredibly thankful for the life God has given me.  So if someone is reading this that prayed for me, I'd just like to personally thank you.  God does answer prayers.

Okay, so while I was in Seattle with Cale for his doctors appointments and Alex was back home with Riley, they developed an adorable bedtime routine that has slowly, but forcefully, leaked over into our whole family's bedtime routine.  While away, Alex and Riley would get into their pajamas, fill a cup of milk for Riley, and then head upstairs to our bedroom with a handful of books.  They climbed into our bed, got under all the covers and read book after book, after book.  This is slightly different from the routine we had before because we would still get into our pajamas and still drink a cup of milk, but we would stay downstairs and read books on the couch.  We still try and do that but Riley throws one of her inevitable tantrums and says, "bed, Bed, BED" until we get the hint and lug both kids, plus ten or more books up the stairs and jump into our bed, get under all the covers, and read until all our eyes are heavy.  I have a feeling that this routine won't die out any time soon and I must say, I'm rather taken with it.

Laying in bed with my whole family and seeing the joy the kids get out of being able to be in "Mommy's" and "Daddy's" bed is just enough to make a momma want to cry.  I love these moments, and when all the books have been read and Alex and I each take a kid to their bedroom, we meet back in our bed and smile, so grateful for the two amazing children God has gifted to us.

I'm glad our evenings, like the ones I describe above, have been ending well because it's a sure bet that the morning won't involve that much joy.  Riley has taken to 'hating' putting on clothes.  She will cry and cry and cry until I finally cave in and let her run around naked.  Anybody else out there dealing with a toddler that loathes clothes?

Not even sure where to begin

I think the stress of trying to sell our home on a timeline, the demand to keep it sparkling clean, taking care of two very moment-to-moment earthly children 24/7, (who by the way do not understand my need to keep things clean), and watching Cale deal with the CRAP that was so unfairly given to him and me not being able to help in any way, shape or form, is making me lose my mind.  Literally.

 I have trouble focusing on little things, such as driving.  My mind wanders to far away places and then all of a sudden I find myself pulling into our driveway without a memory of how I got there.  Scary?  Extremely.  My desire to cook a nice and healthy meal for my family is hiding somewhere, probably in one of the boxes that we packed away into storage.  Hopefully it returns when, and if, we settle down in our new home.  Exercising - my main go-to for stress release and a cure-all for any bad attitude - has been far down on the list of things to do.  I'm tired all the time.  I go to bed AS SOON AS we put the kids down, which is usually somewhere between 9:00 and 9:30 and sometimes I don't get out of bed until 8:30 or 9:00, which is drastically different from my 4:45 alarm to get out of bed and get my butt to the gym.  Even when I lay down to go to sleep, exhausted, I find myself laying there for at least two, maybe three hours, before I finally fall asleep.  My mind is captive to what I need to be doing, what I could be doing better, and all of the worries and concerns I have about raising my kids.  Even after sleeping nearly ten hours, I normally try and take a nap when the kids take a nap.

 I find myself highly emotional, crying far more than I ever have over circumstances that may or may not warrant tears.  Our home life is like walking on thin ice.  I feel an overwhelming need to please my husband but ever since my attitude has shifted, that need to please has turned into resentment. I'm not sure if our attitude is effecting the kids' attitudes or if it's the other way around, but some nights it takes everything in us to just get through it and make it to bedtime.  Survival is key right now.

I'm sure this post has made it seem as though I truly have lost my mind or that it may lead to assumptions that somehow my marriage is on the rocks.  There may be a little truth to me losing my mind but thankfully my marriage is strong.  Alex, though at times makes me want to pull out every last strand of my hair, is the best man in the world.  I love him more than anything and thankfully he loves me back just the same.  I'm trying to decide if this is just a season of life, having little kids, that makes a mom feel like she has no identity other than "mom".  Is it worth it to get "dressed up" for an errand to Target or to a play group with friends, just to come home and take it off and put on my sweatpants - what I wished I could have been wearing the whole time?  I walk by the shoe section of stores and dream about buying those three-inch, must-have, high heels.  But then the reminder that I would have absolutely no where to wear them to creeps into my mind and puts a small frown on my face.  Is this just a season of life?

Without a doubt, I experienced some level of post-partum depression after giving birth to Cale.  Those were very traumatic and different experiences from what I'm dealing with now, but I wonder if a small amount of depression is present in my life?  Or is what I'm feeling normal to every other stay-at-home mom out there?

I've definitely put myself out there in this post and perhaps I should have kept it secret in a journal, but there's something freeing about being truthful about who you are and what you're feeling to other people. I've tried hiding my emotions and even tried pretending as though they weren't there, and that leads to no good.  I'm sure of that.

I go through times of desperate prayer, basically giving God an ultimatum, which I always realize is silly and I picture Him up in Heaven, looking down at me, and laughing.  I go through very dry prayer which is basically giving God the two minutes I have before I fall fast asleep, and then there is the kind of prayer that makes me certain that when I wake up in the morning and go into Cale's bedroom to wake him up, I'll miraculously find him playing in his room and when he realizes I've opened his door, he'll look at me and say, "Geez, Mom!  What took you so long?"  And then he'll run out his door and down the stairs, grab a big box of Lucky Charms out of the pantry, swinging the refrigerator door open and lugging the gallon of milk up on the table, spilling it everywhere as he tries to get it in the bowl, and then chowing down at the breakfast table.  For whatever reason, I'm never disappointed when I wake up and realize that my prayer has not been answered.  I simply view it as "not yet".

God is capable of anything, therefore I know He is capable of changing my attitude.  Positive energy - that's what I need.  Here's to waiting...

Fishing!

Thanks to me, my wonderful husband is on a guided fly fishing trip down the Bitterroot River as we speak.  He was so deserving of something like this and so earlier this week I called my father-in-law and begged him to take my husband away for a day.  Turns out it didn't require much begging and he called me the next day and told me what he had planned for the two of them.  Alex isn't much of a fisherman but he's never fly fished before and so I think he may come home hooked.  No pun intended. :)  

I sadly don't think I give my husband enough credit most of the time.  I'm incredibly thankful for him and I think I have a pretty realistic grasp on all that he does for our family, but I know for a fact that my attitude and my words don't always reflect that.  He's one of the most hard working individuals I know and even if his boss tells him he can have a day off, to me I know that means he might be home ten minutes earlier than normal.  He works incredibly hard and holds himself to such a high standard.  After putting in a full day at work, he willingly chooses to shake off whatever stresses he has at work and leaves them at the office, allowing him to just be a husband and a father, rather than a husband and a father who is consumed with whatever happened at work earlier in the day.  He immediately helps me with the kids, is interested in what happened in my day, and the phrase, "what can I do to help you around the house" is even muttered a couple times a week.  He truly is selfless and more than I could have ever hoped for in a husband and a father to my kids.

With that said, work has been extraordinarily stressful this year.  Our home life has been up and down with the kids being sick, us being sick, and the emotional tiredness we both experience every day with Cale, and the stress of trying to buy and sell a house.  It takes a great amount of effort on both of our parts to see the glass half full most of the time.  Alex, in my opinion, is the glue that holds all of us sanely together. :)  

So I sent him fishing.  It's only a day trip and I know that it's not going to take away anything that awaits him at home and work, but he deserves a day away from me and the kids.  Plus, he's with his dad and if you've never had the pleasure of meeting Rick Burkhalter, he's a true gem and someone who can definitely bring life to a party.  I'm sure they're having a blast and I can't wait to hear all about it when he gets home. 

Blessings and tears should not coexist

Yesterday, after months and months and months and months, AND MONTHS, of trying to get Cale approved for Medicaid under some special government waiver, we finally got the news that Cale officially is on Medicaid as of 03/01/2010.  PRAISE GOD!  Not only does this lift a GIGANTIC financial burden off of our already financially stressed lives, but it opens up hundreds of doors for the type of care Cale can receive that he couldn't receive before because of money.  The sky is the limit and I cannot wait to see how God uses this new "money" to help Cale reach his upmost potential.  An answer to prayer - AMEN!  I feel like nothing can stop our little man now.  Watch out world!  Here comes Cale!

This is obviously a huge blessing and yesterday when the Medicaid "committee" left our home I had to hold myself back from hugging each and every one of them, and when they finally closed our door behind them I burst into tears and buried my head into my husband's shoulder.  Tears of joy and amazement came flowing.

But now, 24 hours later, I find myself in a heap of sadness.  I HATE that Cale has to be under some governmental program because he's disabled.  I'm so sad for him and I feel terribly guilty because I'm even sad for myself.  The dream I had for this life is nothing like I had imagined it.  I would love to fill our house with more kids (okay, maybe just one more), but that just seems impossible with the kind of demands and time just one child takes.  Giving Cale the best is certainly not adding another brother or sister to his life that takes the time away from us that he desperately needs.  I hate watching how easy everything is for Riley.  Living is seemingly effortless for her and it takes Cale's best focus and determination to try and go up and down a slide on his own.  Kids run circles around him and it breaks my heart to see the disappointment in himself.  I just hate all of this, plain and simple.

 But I do love my Cale.  I'm surprised my heart can hold this much love.

Thank goodness for bunnies!

Praise the good Lord above for the new bunnies He brought to the pet store in the mall!

Seriously.

For the last month Cale has asked to go see the dogs at the mall nearly every day, but what he really means when he asks for the dogs is that he wants to see the bunnies.  Perhaps with Easter just around the corner the bunny supply has been low and there haven't been any bunnies for the last month.  Cale points to the bunny display area and very sweetly does his sign for "bunny", and when I tell him there are no bunnies he gets that infamous frown on his face and makes me lift up the little bunny "house" to prove to him that there are indeed no bunnies.  He doesn't throw a fit, he doesn't cry, but he frowns and keeps his sign for "bunny" up in the air for everyone to see until we are completely out of the mall and  sometimes even the entire car ride home.

But last night when Cale asked to go see the dogs we were ecstatic to see that there were four new bunnies for him to ooh and aah over!!!  He was so happy and kept his nose smashed up against the glass until the bunnies were no longer exciting and he realized there were fish and turtles to still be seen.  Who knew a bunny could make a kid so happy.  Maybe that means when it's time to get his picture taken with Easter Bunny he won't be freaked out.  Here's hoping.

I love how the littlest of things can bring so much joy to his life.

Mission Impossible

There is a big difference between keeping your house clean and keeping it "open house" clean. I'm naturally a clean person, largely due to my mother who would call my room a pig sty if I had one lonely sock laying helplessly on my bedroom floor, but constantly mopping floors, scrubbing sink basins, and rotating loads of laundry is exhausting my inner need to be clean. Add into the mix two incredibly messy toddlers and you have what I like to call a "mission impossible". Please pray that our house sells soon so that I don't become clinically insane.

On Sunday I turned 26 years old. Alex's birthday is only a few weeks before mine and since I was in Seattle on his birthday, we decided to celebrate jointly by having our friends over to our house for dinner. Four adults and four children equated to a fabulous chaotic and fun time. I got some really nice headphones for the gym and also a new lens for my camera! It's supposed to be 60 degrees today and so I think I'll take the kids somewhere outside to test it!

My mom is coming to visit later today. Thank goodness for moms! I'm looking forward to having someone to play with during the day while Alex is at work. I'm not sure what we'll do but I'm positive her time here will include some shopping and good meals! Hooray!

I'm itching for spring to be here for good and although today is forecasted to be absolutely gorgeous, I'm preparing myself for at least a few more cold snaps and probably another big snow. Blah. I'm ready to play outside!

Hopefully I can capture some good photos today and have them up on facebook by tomorrow. The last few times I've tried taking pictures of Riley she's thrown a fit and told me "no". Cross your fingers!

happenings...

Wow, where do I begin? The last several weeks have been crazy, to say the least. We ventured to Cabo sans kids, put a 'For Sale' sign in our yard, and toured the Pacific North-West hospitals with Cale. I will try and sum up the above in the least amount of words possible. First up, Cabo!

Glorious Cabo. Six days and seven nights of pure bliss. Even though leaving the kids was complete torture and I cried like a baby, it was 100% worth it and I would do it again tomorrow in a heartbeat! I love my kids, obviously, but spending that time with my husband in such a beautiful place was like getting a second honeymoon! A honeymoon with our best friends, however. Not that you would ever bring along your best friends with you on your honeymoon but you catch my drift. We went with Thaiv and Crystal Armerding, who also left behind their two little ones, and they were the perfect traveling companions. I can't speak for them, but we never once got annoyed or irritated with their company. We spent our days lounging by the pool, zip-lining and rock climbing, playing beach AND pool volleyball, and just pretending to be kids again without the responsibilities looming back at home. It was a PERFECT way to spend a vacation! I can't wait for the next one. :)

We decided, rather quickly and unexpectedly, to sell our house. One day we were perfectly content in our home and the next day we were pounding a 'For Sale' sign in our yard. A God-given opportunity was given to us and now we find ourselves in the stressful and chaotic position of trying to sell a house in today's rough economy. I've found it nearly impossible to keep my house "open house" clean day in and day out and the stress of finding crumbs on my floor is about to put me over the edge. Two little kids who are constantly into anything and everything basically makes me a human vacuum as I chase after them. The God-given opportunity that was given to us is the chance to purchase a home in an incredible, clean, established neighborhood. This house has more than double the space we currently have and it has a view overlooking the city that just screams God's greatness! Missoula is truly a beautiful place. It's in the school district of an elementary school that is supposed to be THE BEST for children with special needs and I want so badly for Cale to go there. The school and our church are within walking distance and if you stretch it a bit so is Alex's office and our gym. It really would be the perfect house for our family. We signed a buy-sell agreement a few weeks ago contingent upon the sale of our house. We've had two open houses so far which has attracted a fair amount of traffic and a few people who have come through on their own. Please PRAY that our house will sell soon!

On a completely different note, Cale and I took to the skies and flew to Spokane and Seattle to see a neurologist and a gastroenterologist. The reason behind seeing the neurologist in Spokane was to either confirm or rule out the possibility of Cale having seizures. (I believe I posted about this awhile back) After having to see my baby's connected by hundreds of wires, the final word came back that Cale is NOT having seizures! Wahoo! We flew from Spokane to Seattle and saw the GI doctor, however this appointment was a complete waste of our time and money. Alex is going back in May with both kids and I will explain in a minute why I won't be there. Traveling with Cale, alone, was a bit frightening. First off, I LOATHE airplanes. I cry when I walk through security because I realize then that there's no turning back. I cry when the airplane starts to taxi and then when it finally reaches the runway. Taking off is the absolute worst. Tears are definitely flowing by then. This time, however, I was completely calm. I don't know if it was because I had to focus so much on Cale that I didn't have the time to focus on my own fears but I made it through all of my flights without one single panic attack. Success! I did however, not like having to sit through those doctor's appointments without Alex there for support. I hate that we have to take Cale to all of these specialists and I hate that, for the most part, no one wants to try and help him as much as we do. Sitting in those offices while I tell the doctor everything that is wrong with my child is absolutely heartbreaking and at times impossible. Doctors don't ever seem to catch on to the emotional side of these appointments. Oh well, we're doing the best we can for Cale and I suppose that's all that matters at the end of the day.

Oh, and why I won't be going with Alex when he goes back to Seattle in May is because I am lucky enough to be able to take a girls only trip with my mom and sister! Oh my goodness, we have talked about doing this for years but nothing has ever come to fruition. This time, though, we've taken the mindset of "Go big or go home!". Obviously, this trip wouldn't be chosen by everyone, but for me it's a mini-dream coming true! The last day of April I will fly to Seattle and then on to Los Angeles, CA to spend four days with my best girl friends! We are going to an episode of "ellen" (whom I just think is the funniest person on the planet) and then to disneyland one of the days. Thanks to my dad, who hooked us up with the "ellen" tickets, he also is hooking us up with a tour of the Warner Bros Studios lot! Again, I realize this may sound lame to you but it is so exciting for me! :) I guess this makes me a nerd but I already knew that about myself anyway.

So that's what's been going on lately in my life. I must apologize for my seemed disappearance off the face of the earth but I am indeed still here and will hopefully be better about blogging since we are, for the most part, settled back in.