be careful what you ask for

Let me begin by saying that I am entirely grateful for reaching the 38 week mark in this pregnancy.  I begged and pleaded with God for nearly nine months asking for this very moment to become a reality for me and He was faithful in answering my many, countless prayers.  With that said, however, I am so ready for this to be over.  During these last several months I have created a mountain of anxiety over worrying about what my life as a mother of three will be like and I'm finally ready to begin this climb.  Sink or swim has been my personal motto the past few days and I just want to know which one it's going to be.  I hope I have my flippers and life vest with me.

Aside from swollen ankles and a worn path in our carpet leading from the bed to the bathroom, I truly have very little to complain about.  I seem to have more energy than usual, which is good considering my kids are on over-drive now that the summer weather finally decided to show up.  I have been cleaning like crazy and keeping up with the laundry, all the while making time to either take the kids to a park or a pool to burn off their extra energy.  I have been trying to go on long walks or hike the M to get this whole process started but so far the only results I've gotten are a sore butt and puffy feet.  As of my check-up with the doctor last week I am a few centimeters dilated and about 80% effaced, however I was that way with Riley for nearly three weeks before he finally decided to induce me.  Not favorable news in my eyes.  He keeps telling me I won't make it until my due date but I have a feeling God took my prayer of "Please keep me pregnant for 42 weeks and I promise I won't complain" to heart and He's up there looking down on me and saying "be careful what you ask for, Kid.".  


I promise not to complain, I promise not to complain, I promise not to complain...

one year later

A sweet friend of mine approached me about a month ago and offered to throw me a baby shower.  I honestly hadn't given much thought to the idea of having another baby shower, especially since this is my third child and I already have baby boy clothes of Cale's.  Would people think I was a greedy snob for asking for even more stuff to add to our already plentiful baby collection?  I really didn't see a need for gifts and when I told my friend about my concerns of her throwing me a shower, she laughed and simply reminded me that it wasn't about the gifts but about celebrating this new baby's life.  Okay, okay...how can one say no after putting it like that?  I agreed to the shower but not without lingering feelings of guilt.

My shower date is set for June 11th.  When I made a list of dates that worked for me this particular one stood out in my mind like bold print.  I thought perhaps I was forgetting someone's birthday or anniversary but I never could put my finger on it.  My friend picked this date and sent out the invitations, all the while leaving me wondering why on earth that day was leaving a fingerprint on my mind.  I had all but forgotten about it until driving home from running errands this last weekend.  June 11th of last year was the day we lost our baby when I was twelve weeks pregnant.

I remember that day so vividly.  The initial phone call to my doctor, the half hour of waiting in the waiting room, the seemingly blank ultrasound picture, and then the drive back to the hospital that afternoon to have our baby removed from my body.  Days like that day belong in movies, not in real life.  Not in my life.  But now, a year later, I feel surprisingly little.  I'm not sad or angry or regretful.  If anything I'm a little embarrassed of how void my emotions are.  Is it because I have this new baby to look forward to that I don't miss the life that could have been?  Or is it because the imminent arrival of this baby makes me realize that I've needed the last year to prepare for myself for this upcoming transition?

June 11th of this year will be a day filled with joy.  I'm so thankful that my friend convinced me that a baby shower isn't just about getting gifts but rather about celebrating a new life.  The coincidence of it all is just too uncanny to be a coincidence.  I think God is gently reminding me that He is in control and even the trials He allows into my life are woven perfectly into His plan.

rain, rain, go away!

I have yet to see more than two days in a row of good weather here in Missoula.  We keep getting teased with little glimpses of Spring but I'm fairly certain Summer will be here before Spring truly arrives.  This had better not be any indication of how Missoula's summer is going to go.  I want three solid months of temps in the 80's and 90's...and if I'm still huge and pregnant when the hot weather rolls in, so be it!

This Memorial Day weekend was rainy.  And cold.  BUT, we were able to have a fantastic few days together as a family despite the icky weather.  We painted the baby's room and kept the kids busy with various activities such as the carousel, a baseball game, lots of umbrella time, movies, and driving Cale's and Riley's motorized Jeep around up at Grandma and Grandpa's house.  The kids were very sad to watch Dad leave for work this morning and we are slowly trying to adjust to our normal weekly routine.  Wish me luck on that one.  So far I have battled a tantrum or sibling rivalry every half hour.

In other news, I am slowly but surely getting back into taking pictures.  In the month of May I took over 1,300 photos, however I'm sure I only kept about 100 of those.  I'm proud to say that not one of those  photos was shot in automatic mode.  I am loving playing around in manual mode and the more I do it the more comfortable I am getting.  Alex bought me a new photo editing software for Mother's Day and even though it will probably take years of practice before I ever figure it out, I am having a blast playing around with pictures and making them unique.  I have a feeling this is going to be a very time-consuming hobby. :)  My dream is to get good enough with photography that I can make a name for myself by becoming a photographer for Community Medical Center and specializing in taking pictures for families who either know they are going to lose their baby at birth, or being called in at all hours to photograph a baby who died unexpectedly during birth.  I'm also becoming more and more interested in possibly photographing hospice patients.  We'll see where my dream takes me.  All I know is I love photography and the challenge of getting that perfect shot keeps me coming back for more.  I suppose it's a lot like the game of golf in that way.  It doesn't matter if the first seventeen and a half holes were complete and total disasters if you have that perfect last shot on the eighteenth hole...chances are you'll be back at it again the next day to find just one more.  


In pregnancy news, I had a routine doctor's appointment this morning and apparently my body is already preparing itself for labor.  I'm starting to efface and my doctor wants to start seeing me every week from here on out.  To even begin to think about finally meeting this baby has me completely high strung for a couple of reasons.  The first one being that I am only 34 weeks pregnant and it's still far too early for this baby to make his grande debut.  Second, we have yet to agree on a name and there is no way I am delivering this baby without a name picked out for him!

I cannot believe I will soon be a mother of three.

laugh lines

I have newly formed wrinkles upon returning from my weekend retreat, and yet I could not care less about them or the fact that at eight months pregnant I was forced to sleep on a half-inch thick mattress on top of a piece of plywood.  Yes, the weekend retreat was just that - a retreat!

I had the extreme pleasure of spending two nights away from my daily life and responsibilities and surrounding myself around sixty wonderful ladies.  We spent the weekend laughing, eating, experiencing God, laughing, doing girly things, eating, and laughing.  I don't think I have laughed so hard since I found my son covered from head to toe in poop.  Oh wait, I didn't laugh then.  I cried...and then yelled.  So truly I don't remember the last time I was able to laugh that hard.  It was a perfect weekend to cap off this pregnancy before life takes another wild turn.

In between meals, getting a sunburn with some pretty awesome sunglass lines, taking pictures, learning how to make fantastic tablescapes, and devouring an entire chocolate buffet, we also got to hear from an incredible speaker speak on the book of Esther.  I had no prior knowledge of anything to do with Esther and this short book in the Bible turns out to be rather sweet!  I also got to talk with some of my best girl friends, all of whom have kids, without the interruption of kids needing to go potty or throwing a fit because someone took the toy they were playing with.  We were able to be completely selfish in our time and it was fabulous!  I stayed up until nearly one o'clock each night, which is highly uncharacteristic of me, but it was so worth it.  I think the whole purpose of the retreat was to feel rested and recharged when we came home, but since I only averaged about six hours of pregnancy sleep I definitely didn't come home rested but I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

I am so thankful for my friends who relentlessly encouraged me to go.  As you might remember, I initially said no way to the thought of being three hours away from medical care, but as more time passed I started to feel a peace about going.  A lot of my friends don't mind that I'm a hypochondriac and they even offered to listen to me if I needed to vent my worries to someone.  Many times throughout the weekend I would have someone come up to me and ask me how my stress level was doing, which further proves the fact that I have awesome friends. :)  AND, I came back still pregnant so all of my worries were for not.

I must say, though, sleeping in my own bed on top of my own mattress is priceless.

happenings

I apologize for letting nearly a month go by without posting.  Truth is, I haven't really had anything to say.  We've been chugging along, impatiently waiting for the day when Spring finally decides to arrive in Missoula.  I am SO ready for warm weather and sunshine!

I am 32 weeks pregnant now and getting more and more excited to meet this little guy.  Alex and I have yet to settle on a name and I have a feeling we won't have a final answer until he is born.  We are both set on a name but neither one of us seems willing to budge, yet I have a feeling I will be victorious in the end. :)  This little guy never seems to stop moving and his jabs and pokes are becoming more and more uncomfortable as he gets bigger.  Every now and then I can feel a perfectly formed foot trying to explode from my stomach and even though this is the third time feeling a baby move inside of me, it never gets any less amazing.  The only part of pregnancy I will miss is feeling the baby move.  Thank goodness, if all goes according to planned, this is the last time my body will be subject to such torture.  I used to be a firm believer that pregnancy was a beautiful, joyful, and amazing one-of-a-kind experience, but this baby has proven to me that not all pregnancies should be treated equally.  I am extremely grateful to be carrying this child but it certainly has not been easy or enjoyable.  

In other news, I am headed out of town in a few hours to spend the weekend at a women's retreat through our church.  Its theme for the weekend is called "Pampered for a Purpose" and can I just tell you that that could not sound more heavenly right now.  I will be surrounded by a wonderful group of ladies, including a group of my closest girl friends, and the rumor has it that there will be delicious food and lattes every morning.  Hello!?  Could you appeal to a pregnant woman more if you tried?  I think not.  It took a lot of convincing from both my husband and my friends to get me to go because I'm the type of person that does not want to be more than ten minutes away from immediate medical care while I'm pregnant, and the place we are headed to is over three hours away from Missoula.  I initially said no way but I'm trusting that this weekend will give me some much needed relaxation and that God will keep this baby happy and healthy inside my belly for another month and a half.  

Alright, I suppose that is enough tidbits for now.  I will update soon with events from the retreat.  Have a great weekend everyone!!!

Pregnancy

I now fully understand what God was doing when he sentenced women with the pain of childbearing as one of the punishments for Adam's and Eve's sins.  I once thought women were getting off easy if you were to compare the two punishments given: a lifetime of work for the men and just a few hours of painful labor for the women.  Plus, some genius invented the epidural and so now we are given the option of skipping the pain altogether.

I naively thought childbearing was solely defined as the actual act of labor - the several hours of agony between when the first contraction starts and when the baby finally pops out.  I now think that the word childbearing may actually reference the entire nine months of having to carry the baby, also.  Because let me tell you, this is no walk in the park and I can almost hear God punishing me with these nine months for the consequence of my sin alone.

My first two pregnancies were a breeze.  I may have been a little bit more tired than usual but even using that as a complaint is a bit of a stretch.  I honestly don't remember much about when I was pregnant with Cale but I definitely remember my pregnancy with Riley as some of the best nine months of my life.  It is how I felt with her that made me think I wanted to do this again.  But now that I am doing this again, please let it be known and written in the history books that I will never, ever, want to do it again.  


This pregnancy has been one-hundred percent different than the last two.  My husband keeps wondering if his wife is ever going to return to him.  I'm even wondering if I will ever return to me.  I literally feel like I'm having an out-of-body experience, able to look on from afar and recognize how completely unreasonable I'm being and yet not having the energy or drive to do anything about it.  The last few months have been a tad better, I'll admit, as I don't think Alex has had to peek inside the door when he gets home from work to see what kind of house he's walking into.  I'm sure there were nights when he'd drive by the house and have the temptation to just keep on driving.  That's what I would have done if I were him.  You know it's true love when a guy can stick around through everything I've been putting him through.

Aside from my emotional instability, physically I feel like I've gotten hit and run over by an eighteen-wheeler.  At just six months pregnant I've already had the pregnant waddle for at least the last two.  I literally feel like one day I'll be walking down the street and !PLOP! my baby will fall out right there on the sidewalk.  The pressure is indescribable.  I keep going to the gym and trying with all my might to stick to my workout routine, but I'm pretty sure one of these times someone is going to have to escort me out in a wheelchair.  I have it in my head that the reason I felt so great when I was pregnant with Riley was because I exercised nearly every day, and so logically if I just keep at it I will start feeling normal again???  I'm not too sure my logic is very good.  I'm in a constant state of worry thinking, this cannot possibly be normal!  Something is wrong!  I lay in bed at night and cry myself to sleep because I am so afraid of having another premature baby.  I've been down that road once and I know for a fact that I never want to have to go through that again.  How does one NOT worry?  I've prayed since the very beginning that God would give me peace throughout this pregnancy but apparently He's trying to teach me something that I'm just not able to get through my thick skull.  I would love for just one day to be able to make it through without having an anxiety attack over thinking something is wrong.

Aside from all the worry and all the discomfort, I do remind myself daily that I am so blessed to be carrying another little human.  I try not to complain because I know nine months is a blink of an eye compared to the lifetime I will have with this child, but man, it sure would be nice to not feel like my body has been invaded and taken over by aliens.

Pregnancy.  What a journey!

Yes or No Questions Only, Please!

I'm not sure if I mentioned in my posts about our trip to Denver how special it was to have a week's worth of one-on-one time with my boy.  It brought me back to the days before Riley when all of my attention, love and affection could be devoted to just one child.  That almost seems like a lifetime ago.

Having that week with just Cale brought me so much closer to him, I feel.  I got to know him better, which seems silly considering I spend every minute of every day with him...what on earth could I possibly be missing?  A whole lot apparently.  He even fell asleep two or three times while I was holding him, which never happens.  Cale has never been one to snuggle and he's an extreme creature of habit (just like his daddy) who refuses to fall asleep anywhere but his own bed.  He won't even sleep in the car, which I think is just purely bizarre considering any length of time in the car puts me fast asleep.  Cale relished in being able to push the elevator button every time, never being forced to share a turn with his sister.  He got to play with his iPad without interference from Riley and never once had to listen to her drawn-out, hard-to-follow mythical stories.  He always got to sit in the preferred spot in the grocery cart and always had a free hand to hold if he wanted extra support while walking.  He was basically treated like a king and I loved every minute of being able to spoil him.  


Something even more amazing happened during that week, though.  For whatever reason, perhaps receiving feedback for every sound he made or every word he tried to say, he started gaining more control over his speech.  He can now say yeah, uh-oh, and uh-huh (no).  As long as you ask him yes or no questions, he can have a full conversations with you.  It became clear to me how monumental this was while he was talking to my mom on the phone yesterday.  Usually he signs his responses to her questions, which obviously does the person on the other end no good and which is why video chats are so great, but this time if she asked him yes or no questions he could respond with his mouth every time...and she could understand him!!!  It is so fun to hear him use words and it gives me great hope to know that even if he isn't fully verbal, he will slowly gain more and more control over the sounds he is able to make.

Now if only he would learn to say mommy.